Goodbyes and till we meet again

The dogs only enjoy the left over food part of Christmas. They just don't appreciate being dressed up. Dotti chewed the pom pom off her hat while I was talking on the telephone to my mother.
We had a pre Christmas lunch with my workmate and Friend Fersie on Sunday. Fersie comes from the Philippine's and although her English is good sometimes there are certainly discrepancies if not damn mistakes. I asked her if her boyfriend liked seafood and she said yes. Frank is from Greece and due to being raised on seafood he considers it...peasant food. He explained this in the most eloquent and not insulting way. It is my description that sounds rude.

I was delighted to find my friends fiance.. a witty and intelligent conversationalist, extremely polite and capable of not reacting too badly as I kicked a bone from under the table under the cupboard hoping no one would see... but he did. I saw his face - he saw it.

The dogs also beat the back door consistently during lunch. Until Rocky grew tired of being ignored - climbed the 8 foot fence, again hurting himself, and banged on the front door.

So what was my menu for this person who didn't like seafood? Yep - prawn cocktails, followed by mud crab caught that morning by MOTH, turkey and roast veggies (thank fook I didn't decide to go salmon cutlets as I did consider) and parfait glasses with red wine jelly with blueberries, strawberry mousse, chocolate mousse, banana custard, mango frozen yogurt and topped with pretty chocolate sticks.
I had not met Frank before - although I have heard about him from Fersie who I have worked with for the past six months. She was very coy and cautious about telling me about him.. but he really was lovely and so caring with her. Fersie leaves soon with Frank and I will be the sorrier for it. Working with her has been a great pleasure. Sometimes I would help with her assignments and she has made me laugh and have to think harder than I normally allow myself to bother.

I think best of all is the contentment in sharing a workplace with someone you like, trust and who knows and understands your idiosyncrasies. Who you know cares as much as you do. And she never messes up my side of the cupboard. Ever. Cause I understand my mess. No one else does.

Anna also joined us for lunch. I had invited her to dinner but she was being thrown a goodbye party by her friends and naturally that was more important. I was a little worried inviting her to lunch because this was my celebration of Fersie's completion of her course, a Christmas celebration and a goodbye to Fersie.

I worried Anna would attempt to make it all about Anna. She arrived very hungover. Her apathy was upsetting but I am getting better and better and either holding my tongue or forcing back my tears. Although she was being amusing, my guests could tell I was annoyed at her behaviour.... and at one stage Frank challenged her.. and asked her... in 20 years when you have a child you love and your child is doing the same thing you are doing now.. how will you feel? He pressed her for an answer.

She boldly sat straight and stared back and said "I will be the coolest mum ever - I will allow my child to go out every night and I will be like.. XXXX's Mum and buy all the booze for their friends too, and I wont carry on like Mum".

We all looked at each other and knew we would remember this.

Two people I am going to miss very much. But the one on the left has been missing from my heart for enough time to let that grief go. The one on the right - well hopefully she will return.
At the dinner table Anna, showing all the class her mother did NOT teach her... had this to display to us. She claims it was done slipping on cat urine on the stairs where she has been staying since our altercation... and was done whilst in a sober moment not an intoxicated one. Sounds just lovely. Free accommodation for three weeks included with all you can party and drink - and slippery stairs. Go figure. No wonder I am not considered fun.

Bet she thinks her mother wouldn't post that on the Internet!

I do hope everyone had a Merry Christmas.

We went to a friends house where we were treated to great food, company and cocktails.

My three youngest children left Christmas Eve for their biological fathers house while I was at work. I returned to an upside down home. They took the printer which Anna and I had agreed would stay with me... but apparently Anna was so under the weather she didn't even bother to come home to help pack the stuff into her fathers 4x4. And what Jane threw in the bin would of made me cry if I could just remember how to let the tears actually flow.

MOTH seems to panic if I am distressed and can only resort to .. adult activities that I feel least like.

I dyed my hair back to dark brown Christmas Eve -(the original colour prior to when I was 27) to try amuse myself. It felt funny looking in the mirror... the brunette is someone I know but someone I... don't feel connected with. And those dreadful lines around her eyes! She was a nicer person than I am too... she cared more and was sure she could do more. She thought she could make everything wonderful and everyone happy.

I haven't done peering at her. Just looking and watching in the mirror.

I had a hangover at work today

Yep. A rip roaring,head thumping, gut wrenching, pore seeping colossal hangover. I do remember it being 2am and the only thing I could find to drink was some wine a friend gave me about 6 months ago that I wasn't particularly fond of. I also remember listening to Cat Stevens on You Tube and thinking I should be asleep.

So of course we were short staffed and had capacity room and every one of my small charges wanted to play the drums, bang puzzles on tables, request me to read books that had too many words and a couple of them threw in some pretty spectacular toileting accidents for good measure.

I swear they knew I was unwell. They only wanted me to play my normal noisy stuff today.

Mind you - getting twelve children to make Kookaburra noises is awfully funny even when your head does hurt.

And although my colleague was amused by my demise she showed lovely consideration by buying me greasy food, mints and body spray.

I taught the children to point to pictures of elephants and tell me Miss Cheree is an elephant. She had already tried to get the children to say the picture of the gorilla was me... but they dobbed. Tomorrow when I will be perfectly healthy and my head wont hurt - I am gunna teach them how to trumpet and pretend their arms are an elephant trunk when she comes into the room.

Still yelling

Jane (daughter no3 aka the newly inducted shoplifter) came to my work this afternoon after finishing her shift at the supermarket to inform me that I had to pick up her (confiscated) mobile phone from High School today or else she would not have it these holidays. My commitments after my day shift today are 2 hours cleaning. I quite like this arrangement because I like the fact that I know where toileting accidents occurred, who had the running nose and where they played and what toys need to be attended to and I like knowing it is clean. I stick that pay cheque in a separate banking account which is for a purpose I haven't decided yet.

I told Jane I would go and get it as soon as the shift finished as long as she started vacuuming as soon as I left so that my duties are not affected. And she did. And she did a very good job. And I collected the phone at the 11th hour and returned to finish my duties.

When we got home Jane went straight to bed in her work uniform. I had to wake her because we have a power outage tomorrow - and she wont be able to do her normal use the washing machine and dryer for her stuff - it has to be done tonight.

I spent maybe 15 minutes talking to my girlfriend Roxanne... and whilst I was talking/typing I was aware Jane was cooking her self deep fried potato chips for dinner. MOTH and I had eaten - Lamb vindaloo and rice which my youngest children do not like. MOTH queried Jane's cooking - and she mistook it that he was hungry. So she cooked an entire 1 kg of chips. She then drowned them in a brand new bottle of tomato sauce without checking to see if there was another bottle. Not once did she ask anyone for assistance or direction. When I saw the two plates of cold fried chips swimming in tomato sauce.. I started yelling. When I saw the empty 1 kg bag of chips on the floor - I got louder.

In the fridge there is ham, garden salad and coleslaw. There is eggs, cheese, cream and vegetables. Beautiful watermelon and peaches. In the pantry there is bread, packet noodles & pasta and rice, cans of food suitable for heating and I am not kidding - it is loaded with food. In the freezer is portions of Sunday nights spaghetti bol that are suitable for microwaving. Pizza bases and suitable portions of meat for one or two people.

I KNOW that the chips cost is negligible. $2 or $3. It is the choice and the wastage that makes me lose the plot.

She has chosen to go live with her sister and father on the 24th December. She stays here so she can do her shifts at work so she has money for the holidays. She attempted to give me a list of things she needs/wants for my shopping tomorrow.

I am hating just waiting for this date... And it is pretty insane getting wild over a 1 kilo of chips.... and a beautiful girl that cries over her weight problem.

Headaches, new beginnings and Police appointments

Arghhh... ok have to start from somewhere!

Can't I waffle on about how we stripped off the 9 two year olds today and filled two large water troughs with water from the fire hose and added bubbles and plastic boats and water squirters? (guns/pistols are not allowed at our daycare however we insist they are neither and are indeed "squirters" and we make sure we install the word "squirter" into the children)

Now THAT was fun. The roaring laughter, the squeals, the wet little people, the cool lovely cuddles as they tried to squirt water always directly in our faces..... the "Missalissa look at ME" as they splashed and sploshed and made me laugh until I snorted.

I have had a dull headache above my left eye for over a week now, and it wont leave me alone. I am doing my best to not think about my daughter no2 and daughter no3's choices. But it is kinda hard.

I also have a nagging worry as I tend to my two year olds that I am a real pretender and no mother of a thief should be trying to teach these precious little people what is right and wrong, what colour or animal is that, what sound an animal makes, what is happy and what is sad and how to recognise their names the alphabet and their numbers.

When their parents collect the children I find myself wondering what they would think if they knew - and worse! Horrors! It is a small town and they will probably hear about it. And how would I explain it? I accept a Xmas gift from one of my small charges... and stop the tears from my eyes because the truth is I never managed to stop THAT kid from stealing his friends lunches at the table EITHER!

Yep - on a scale of shitiness.. I feel pretty damn... shitty. And I am going to excuse my deplorable choice of words in that last sentence. Why? Because I spent an hour or more reading the dreadful use of English that my teenagers use in text messaging, myspace and such other web page type things today. Here is a verbatim example.

well can u tell mi y u and jane did it????

cuz i have no effin idea!!!!

and yea i kno i was in the wrong 4 lettin u 2 go through mi registar

bt friends dnt dob friends in that is y i did not say anything cuz u were mi friend!!!!!!!!!!

and tell jane i hope she is happy cuz i mst prob b gettin charged for wat happens!!!!!!!!!!!

so i lst mi job and gettin charged 4 it!!!!!!!!!!!!

then when i went in the interview room at wrk and lied to the police officer so i could cover u and jane up bt then he new that i was liein so i told him the truth..............

so wat is happenin to u and jane?????

plz right bak

That was from the poor girl who lost her job when my daughter chose to shoplift on Saturday. The girl this was addressed to whom Jane was sure was her new best friend and greatest friend ever - has now decided it was all Jane's fault and Jane stole everything and she is the innocent bystander. And I worry that Jane is feigning her sorrow and guilt for my benefit.

Last week I wrote this email to my daughter no 2 who is staying at her friends house right now.

Dear Anna,

I have been advised that you have organised with your father to remove your belongings on the 24th December and will be staying with him for a while. On hearsay it is alleged you will then reside with your friend who has recently endured their own family displacement and I trust and hope you will manage to be a viable part of that household and not cause them any distress.

As I will be at work on the 24th December I would appreciate an inventory of what you plan to take, as a matter of courtesy. I will have it out for you on the 23rd in the carport.

I will attend the meeting with Mr. Wyer on Friday and advise Toolooa High School of the situation wherein I find it impossible to support your behavior and although I am completely aware of what has happened to your school work that it is not in my power or discretion to make any changes in that area. Your socialising every single night until the early morning hours and treating our home as a motel cant be tolerated. You have made the decision to act like an adult and therefore can have the responsibilities of one.

I wish you luck and happiness.

I have decided that in light of your recent (well, that is for argument too) behavior and in the consideration that I am not financially willing to support your mobile telephone usage (something that has never met my approval) that you will have to return the current phone. I am considering allowing you to have my Motorola telephone that is fully paid for and you can organise some kind of payment plan that suits you. The telephone in your possession that is a contract in my name I need back this weekend.

Again, as a matter of courtesy, I would appreciate a rough estimate the vodaphone telephone bill will incur.

Jane and William have elected to spend Christmas with your father and I have encouraged William to spend further time with you and your family. I will appreciate the time alone and the lesser work and costs involved with just 2-3 people.

I am completely aware of how you think making me suffer for protesting your bad behavior by your absence will allow you to feel self righteous and indignant about my cruel words... but the fact is I am just as strong as you are ...and I don't need your behavior bringing me unhappiness, worry and unnecessary work or expense.

You want to party every night - even on a Monday night because "it is school holidays" (without your expletives) and I am staring at a letter stating you'r efailing the most important exams of your life even though you have the comfort of a home, people who love you and leniency at every single angle.

I am not sitting up on a Monday night worrying about you. You have chosen adulthood - may you embrace it and may it not be cruel.

Thank you for the good times. Thank you for all the times you made me laugh and smile. For every poem recited, song sung, dance danced and time you choked my throat and made me blink back tears at how beautiful and cute you are. For the times you made me feel loved and the times you tried to help my sadness at the big bad world that can be so mean. And best of luck with your choices - may you find happiness... sometimes it does come from the places we expect least. Our door is always open - it just cant be open 24/7 for how you chose to behave. But if you need me... I am always easy to find. I am going to miss you.

I love you always Anna.

Organise for the phone swap and the inventory of what you are taking on the 24th. I will make sure the stuff is outside on the 23rd.

Mum

She responded with this.

Dear Mum.

ok the phone will be returned to you. It can still make calls but 3 of the buttons do not work.
Do not worry about giving me the motorala i will organise somthing as the nokia is pretty damaged. If i return the phone u should use the sim as 50 dollers will be taken out everymonth unless u cancel it.

Im not shore were im going to be living permenetly i just no im going to dads for christmas.

If u do not want to attend the meeting that is fine as because i dont live there i need to organise being a independeant student. Im still going to the meeting as im finishing yeat 12 there

Are u saying william is to be living with dad aswell?

Love Anna

Bit of a worry really. And to think she actually did pass English?

Everything is a bit bewildering for me at the moment.

MOTH of course is my rock. Even if he can be an annoying rock. He thinks the way to cure any form of my unhappiness is sex. I agree - it is a useful mechanism to relieve stress. But, sadly he thinks that if my misery is great - then the solution is more sex. I convinced him to take me to a restuarant and buy William and Damien takeout pizza tonight.(Jane too of course - it is just I am not feeling particularly generous to her at the moment and she is just lucky the boys don't annoy me - she should be eating boiled rice and cabbage)

Mostly because I know at a restaurant he cant hassle me. The food was nice though and the no washing up was nicer. MOTH is a little weird when I have major problems - he just doesn't seem to be able to cope. So he tries to compensate by also demanding my attention. And I am perfectly aware smacking every one's nose is not an option.

Damn shame that.

The dogs are reacting just the same though. They think the solution is to sit on me. Rocky climbed on the dining table tonight in an effort to gain my attention. I went with the flow and fed him a couple of my Christmas present chocolates. Put fairy wings on Dotti and watched her try to chew it off her back. She doesn't really make a very good fairy.

Both my parents sent me lovely notes and gifts this week. My mother likes to stay in touch and so her kindness was somewhat anticipated. My father, however has almost never been guilty of showing affection - so that was kind of a shock. Damn shame his note included his pride in my beautiful girls. I managed to lose the cheque enclosed and I think that is probably a good thing.

And, believe it or not, only a few tears have escaped. I think I need time alone so I can let them go. But right now - my commitments to work, this family, my friends, my colleagues and even the dogs don't allow for such an indulgence.

Oh! MOTH told one of my friends about Jane's shoplifting. And I have had to endure her pleasure in my failure. If you have a friend who works and has just an hour for lunch - don't take your children to her house to laugh at her demise during that time. It is extra mean. The lunch hour recipient cannot eat - because she couldn't eat in front of people and couldn't be assed cooking for you and yours...and she will be starving later when she is working a 9 1/2 hour day.

And it is easy to gloat when you feel more secure. Trying to force me to concede that your advice that the child encouraging Jane was bad... wont endear you to me. Normally I try to let it go that this friend loves to see me (or anyone) failing.. and sometimes I can just let it go.

But this particular week I could of killed MOTH for telling. He of course, cannot understand why I bit his head off for telling her the truth about where I was Saturday afternoon when I should of been preparing for their visit. Why he couldn't of just said I had a case of herpes/ syphilis or gonorrhea and had to go to hospital is beyond me.

It would of been easier to live down.

Pride is an awful thing. Swallowing it is just dreadful. It has all just made me feel terribly tired. And I cant sleep I have too much to do - and when I do have time to sleep I just cant. It is dreadfully easy to convince yourself that your children are magnificent and not see their faults. It is awfully difficult to listen to anyone tell you that your children have faults.

The police called today at work for Jane's interview. My friend and colleague and also the mother of the other shoplifter involved took the call and the dates for the appointments with the police detectives. Jane could be just cautioned because she has no priors. But it appears she has taken the blame for the lot. The interview date is when she will be at her fathers - so we will have to organise for her to catch the train back for it or maybe the interview can be at Rockhampton. I dont know. I guess that is just another thing on my urgent "to do" list.

I am never sure if Jane shows remorse or if she is just acting what she thinks I expect her to act. But as she stares at the ceiling when I mention anything connected to any of this... I wonder if she actually thinks about anything at all. Maybe my daughters were simply beautiful in white nighties at bed time and ... along the way I forgot to teach them stuff I really should of.

I still refuse to believe Jane needs drugs. I still refuse the labels and I still utterly believe she is just (on occasion) a naughty little girl. Her alleigences are misguided and her devotion to children and people with their own problems could be commendable if they were directed in the right direction. I dont think she understands that her own behaviour could jeapordise what she is actually best at.

I think I just indulged Anna too many times so that she can be as rude as she wants to me. And it all just went way too far. She is advertising her move to Rockhampton as happily as one can - even though she has thrown tantrums every time I have mentioned I want to leave this town for the last four years.

Do not kow tow to your children. Seventeen years goes so very fast. By all means consider their happiness.. but dont make that the ultimate decision. Because the little ingrates will bite you. And so they should if you were so stupid.

Time goes by.. so quickly

Well. I don't know where to start! So very much has happened and some of it extremely unpleasant.

So - in a nutshell.

1) I broke my toe. No wonderful funny interesting story for you - I just kicked it on the way back from getting a drink of water in the middle of the night and broke it. I am a sook - and it caused me a great deal of misery.


2) MOTH lost his job. But in true form - he got a new one he seems to enjoy immensely. I don't think they do a terrible amount of hard work at this new job and he now works basically the same hours a week I do...

3) MOTH has been catching mudcrabs galore and we are in order to purchase a new bigger boat shortly.

4) I attended a work party at Great Keppel Island. The very first time I willingly took myself away from Anna, Jane, William and MOTH and went out with girls. (Ok women) I never did that - I always just stayed with them. When the children did visit their father I always just stayed with MOTH and usually at home. The island was beautiful. My workmates can drink me under the table. Which they did.

4) William graduated Primary school and we bought him a new push bike. Combined Christmas, well done for school, getting ready for high school and just... thanks for being a son who rarely causes me grief - type of gift.

He contributed some of his own money towards it and I have a feeling his bike cost more than my car is worth.

5)Anna (daughter no2) and I had a terrible fight wherein the result is she has now moved out of home. More on that later. But the fact is she is of age to move out if she so wishes - she refuses to live under our rules and her school work is so dismal, her "me, me, me" philosophy became unbearable and no longer amusing. It certainly isn't the ending I wanted but in saying that.. I can see she is eager to begin her adult life. I need to adjust my life to accepting that. And I have some good ideas on how to achieve that.

6) Jane (daughter no3) must of felt she was somehow missing out on something here - so she chose to shoplift for the local scumbags yesterday at our local mall. (Incase anyone is curious and knows the situation - yep believe it or not the Yowyeh girls) She and my friends daughter chose to steal baby items to the value of around $150 from the store. The girls are to be formally interviewed this week and Jane can hope she wont be charged and just cautioned because she has no priors. That is up to the detectives discretion though.

A horrible addition to the story is that the girl on the checkout at the store they stole from was instantly dismissed on the assumption she knew the girls and what they were up to. The poor check out girl was (I feel) just a victim of knowing naughty girls.

More embarrassing humiliating stuff. And a wonderful way to spend your Saturday afternoon and evening.

7) Anna decided to go live with her father in Rockhampton and complete her studies there. I heard about this on the grapevine.

8) When I chastised Jane for her stealing - and told her she was welcome to join her sister... she opted to take that option.She has told me she has resigned from her position at the local supermarket.

9) Both girls are acting self righteous and content in their decisions.

10) I went and bought myself a beautiful dinner setting - I figure there are definitely going to be benefits to this. I had to use Mastercard because it takes me a couple of working days to transfer cash into my working account.

I am sad - I am scared for them and I am surprised at the finality of something I always knew was going to happen, just didn't expect it yet. I always thought Anna was way smarter than this. I also suspect both my girls are just thinking of their best interests and that their father is suddenly feeling generous and offering them monetary value stuff.