Uh-oh

Moth broke his hand today. Using a drill? to do.. something? it umm... jumped? and his hand broke. (I so should listen better!) I did listen (sorta) and fuss and get him drinks and dinner and help him feed the dogs (oh ok so I called William to do that)...

He came to my work just as I was busy with a two year old to get my car and he said as he walked out... that he was off to the hospital to get his hand x-rayed but I was concentrating on making sure this child was comfortable.. and didn't actually hear that bit until he had driven away. That is when I thought.. crap I probably should of offered to drive him to the hospital.

I got home to a house with NO ONE. And so I lay on my bed and read the last half of a book I kinda pinched from work (a parent gave it to another carer saying it was very good... my coworker/boss/friend nicked it and I quickly nicked it from her) The dogs laid with me and when the book was finished I napped with them... waking at 8pm to realise MOTH was still not home.

Youch. Neglectful lover. It was indeed broken.. in two places and he had spent four hours at the hospital alone.

I found him on the telephone on his way home via a more sympathetic friends house..... and somehow still managed to say "the wine is in the boot of my car will you bloody hurry"....

He arrived home with the doctors notes, his workers compensation forms and keys in his mouth and the wine in his left hand with a jolly great big cast on his right hand. Crikeys.. he really did hurt himself.

We went to trivia last night. I was going to cancel. See - I love trivia but the woman I work with and I have big mouths and we brag to everyone that we won that one time.... and a couple of other workers decided to come too. And one of them.. I get a little annoyed at work with. But you cant say... "No - you cant come because you annoy me" - that is simply too mean. But I didn't want to go. Yep - that much of a bitch I was gunna not go just so I didn't have to socialize with that person... My usual coworker seems to understand I am a bitch and convinced me to go...

I was completely wrong we all had a ball as usual. MOTH loves female company and he had a great time. We drank a couple of bottles of wine... and we had a few before we left too... and the meals are wonderful value ($11 for reef and beef t-bone with chips and salad and we have NEVER finished it all) The wine shouldn't of affected me so .. quickly... however when I woke this morning from the first proper sleep I have had in weeks... fully clothed in what I was wearing the night before I realised that I had.. blanks. I don't remember anything that happened after the motor car round. I couldn't remember coming home. I didn't wake with the awful feeling I had done something dreadful but I still didn't like having NOTHING..... I didn't know whether we had won or lost (we lost and came third apparently) I didn't remember being driven home... so I rang MOTH. He told me he felt like crap and was sick and couldn't remember anything about getting home but that he liked one of my workmates because she giggled a lot.

That is not good. Both MOTH and I were apparently legless drunk and cannot bloody remember anything past 10.30 at night. I wasn't sick - I just didn't like having this giant blank...... And I was hoping he could fill in the blank bits. My workmate filled in a few for me. I was obnoxious when she fiddled with my cigarettes and when my giggling colleague said she was going home I forced her to drive us home. I noticed this afternoon my cigarettes are all over the gutter and sidewalk.

Definitely not how the evening SHOULD of gone. The first thing I asked MOTH about was if he was hungover when his accident occured. He said no. I hope he was telling me the truth.

William told me this morning that we left the lights and tv on and he had to get up and turn them off. Poor little thing!

Oh - and Rocky the wonderdog keeps turning up at my work. Looks like MOTH has time to figure out how he escapes now. Except Rocky doesnt bother escape if he has someone home with him. The kids at work all can recite the story of the "very unhelpful dog Rocky who doesnt use his listening ears and stay home" and its really hard for Rocky who knows I am cranky with him but ten little people usually covered in yogurt and other deliciousness are so pleased to see him.

I ask the kids why they are peering threw the fence or window and they tell me.. "I am looking for unhelpful Rocky!"

Great. Just Great.

Karma got me - it always does

See that big bump on my forehead? I did that too myself. Fifteen minutes before knockoff time in front of parents, 30 children and three of my workmates I stood up from talking to a child spun around and slammed my head into a pole. The whole pole vibrated. Everybody laughed. (Except one little girl from my room actually who will be receiving a very nice reward this week for being nice)

Yes, my nose is that big. No - my nose is not crooked it is just the damn photo.

Yes - it hurt. Yes - I felt like crying. No - I didn't cry in public - I went elsewhere to cry.

Its odd though. When I work with the women I like - work is more like play. I do get tired but it is a pleasant tired. When I work with some people.. I feel like I have been picking potatoes and dragging 30 kilo sacks in the hot sun all day. And I have never actually done that. Yet.

I have to stop feeling such horrid things about the workmates who don't deserve it. I KNOW they have huge problems. I KNOW they suffer things I cant even imagine properly. But I still get wild as hell when I feel I have to do my job and theirs because they have some strange agenda.

Overtired and feeling like my back was breaking.. I clunked my head on a bloody pole that has been in the same place for the past 9 months I have worked there and know it is there. And I wanted to cry like a child over it.

Silly really - I have never needed a man to bash me - I am quite capable of doing that for myself.

I am very lucky MOTH doesn't laugh and does be nice to me when I am being petty and horrid.

Quick blog about blogs

The really wonderful thing about blogs and blogging - is the people you find and UNDERSTAND and love the stories and the connection that you find. I feel disappointment when I check some blogs and there is nothing new. I feel like I have been a bad friend (I don't know 99% of these people in real life!) when I check their blogs to find they have posted 174 new posts and I have to read throughout my entire lunch hour just to catch up!

PICTURES of ice on plants, funnies relating to other side of the world, recipes and travel stories....

It saves me a fortune too - I no longer need to read every magazine I see in the supermarket aisle.

No more whirling - back to the baby steps

Thanks for the comments. Such a mismatch of feelings and nothing making too much sense but ... the comments made me feel a little better.

I shed tears again when I read Joy's blog but at least the sobs and choking feeling in the throat are gone. Her writing was way more elegant than mine but suffice to say she has always been better at the sane thing than I have.

And in comments! Carrie! Whom I love and who listened and made me laugh through a million baby steps with me and who I rarely catch up with anymore! See - life can be so wonderful - friendships may not be as intense as once... but they just live for so long!

Life is just so lucky and wonderful with friends.

I was able to walk with MOTH and my son William and admire the full moon.

I quit my second job. I did it mostly in temper but in hindsight I am glad I did. Even though it was just cleaning the childcare centre I work at I liked making sure it was lovely and clean. I knew where "accidents" had occurred and which toys had been in mouths etc.

The truth of why I quit lays somewhere between - I am an impossible bitch who likes things my own way to my coworker is neurotic and unstable. But either way - there is a stupid rule that we had to clean together and this.. inevitably led to my frustration. I am not afraid of being raped and murdered at a childcare centre after hours. My colleague finds my flippant attitude to being alone at the centre a real issue worthy of threatening me with the boss every time I forget to tell her I am going to the garbage bins or outside to have a cigarette etc.

I would of liked to clean for an hour... go home cook dinner and go back and do the other hour. My colleague would try to make me understand how she thought and I found it erratic. I know the crucial part to her thinking was what do the people in the top centre think - she thinks as long as they know we are there (even if we are drinking coffee and talking) that is fine...so she would want to stay until they left. I didn't give a rats arse what they think - if I cleaned the centre at 3 am that is none of their business.. but I guess the language and cultural barrier... and I have got a family and dogs that I would prefer be with...

Anyway it is best that I just quit it - 6 hours a week at $20 an hour isn't worth my sanity and the possibility my working relationship with this woman would hit a low... lower than even I can do... No matter how much I liked making sure the rooms were lovely and clean for the children.

My stress at my colleague was becoming so terribly high and it was scaring me that I could feel so upset at a person. Her like of washing up in cold water distressed me. Her use of loads of water and suds when mopping the floors distressed me. She will tell me the bathroom is clean when the skirting boards are visibly disgusting and there is POO IN THE LOO! She retreats when I decide to do it again and just spends the time in her own room and then I feel... like a mini tornado.

It was affecting how I work with this woman too because incidents during our day where she would be upset at another coworker ... could of impaired my judgement because I ended up feeling defensive about the other coworker and argumentative about her decisions.

I could have to do it for another week or so - I don't know how much notice I was meant to give. Guess I will find that out tomorrow. Babysteps and bite tongue! I do know the routine! I seem to forget too that when I took on the cleaning I did it for the reason of making sure it was clean. I can make sure my own room is clean during my working day.

And if it is not - I can blame the cleaners! Too easy!

The world is like an apple whirling silently in space...

I am a little bit behind and confused at the moment. So many different hurts around me.. and sometimes I dont seem to cope very well with them. Time is my enemy - but I am my real worst enemy. I waste emotions and waste time...
I knew I was feeling.. somewhat sad this week and decided to take a sick day.
Very late last night I checked my msn email (which I almost never bother with) and learnt a friend had lost her son in a tragic... well accident is the wrong word. An accident is an unforseen event. It isnt an accident that if you drive under the influence of prescription drugs you can cause something horrible. My friend was not a close friend - but someone I love anyway.
I keep thinking of her beautiful boys and that... that one is gone and its.. so dog gone awful. I cant imagine her pain but I cant help shedding tears when I think of how... awful it would be for her.
I have to complete a course for work - it is a job requirment and my trainer was meant to be there on Monday to observe my performance. She didnt turn up. I did receive a note today that apologised and that the floods were the reason. I am completely unaware of floods between where the trainer is and where I am.
It is my little princesses birthday today. And last night she just cried on the phone to me and spoke about her life. She wasnt very kind to her friends in our conversation and she didnt once think to ask how I am.
A calamity of errors meant I didnt attend trivia tonight. I am pleased my friends did lose - it means I can pretend I am smart for another week.
I am very grateful that I have really wonderful friends and amazing people to love.
I just feel a little.. crowded? One of my friends has a marvellous sense of humour that makes me roar....she can delight me in many ways.
I am so glad I found blogs.
I think my Mama is being treated cruelly and I am scared at how to react.
I have a dozen people I am meant to contact and haven't.
I just feel rather lost...

What kind of flower are you?

Trust me to be the poor man's orchid! Sheesh!

I am a Canna What Flower Are You?

My day

This photo was taken at 5.30 this afternoon - my knock off time. Ten new almost 2 year olds. (Click to enlarge)

Here I go again! All of them looked kinda shocked when I sat them on the toilet. Not one understood the concept of no feet on the table when we are eating. A few dont understand even the simplest directive. Sitting on the mat seemed a puzzle. Some showed interest in learning. A couple are deliciously cute.

They all like cuddles and books. We are going to get on just fine.

But... man am I tired.

The weekends go too damn fast

MOTH caught crabs today. It was hideously hot and humid. I worried for a while that he wanted me to go with him - but luckily he found someone willing to go with him.
I do like fishing and being on the boat. But not in mad heat. Not in weather that can change at a second. I dont want to be rained on.
I wanted to go to the nursery but I never got there. I wanted to do some homework for the course I have to complete - but I never got there either. I did tidy house and do laundry - but not to vacuum or mop floors. I guess they will wait.
I rested and I cooked. I made chicken and vegetable soup and I tended my garden. Meg and the kids visited and William bought us meagre nibblies - I was not in the mood for catering. I think I agreed to catering for a seafood night Tuesday. I am just tired and cantankerous.
I will blame the bubbly wine a lovely parent gave my co-worker and myself on Friday. The gift was quite lovely - I guess that mum doesnt know how much pleasure her son gave me this past 7 months. But geeze it was nice to be given the gift and the lovely card....
I get to drink my co-workers wine sometime soon. She doesnt drink white wine - only red. And I am quite happy to swap!
The irony is in the fact that the gift was from the mother of .. one of my really smart beautiful children who is cared for beautifully. None of the more difficult parents or ... those who feel it is my job to bend over backwards - show such regard.
The careless mother who forgets her childs lunches; the mother who complains she collected the child with a dirty nappy (I am not in control of the children's bowel movements no matter how much I love my job) and not even the mother who delivers her child at nap time and completely stuffs up our routine? Nope - The woman who works full time and shows incredible regard, love and education for her beautiful child... takes the time to buy two bottles of wine and write two lovely cards. The woman whose child has provided me with tears and laughter and incredible pride. That child can name every colour, shape and animal. Recite the books verbatim...make me roar laughing if I get something wrong and the child gets frustrated with my stupidity. That child - has made my life so much more wonderful.
When I think about it like that - I have nothing to whinge about.

The betrayal of confidence...

I mentioned in my last post that I had sent an email forwarded from my oldest daughter Sara that my youngest daughter Jane had sent her. It was a very uplifting letter - full of dreams of life and desires and ambitions fit for any young achiever.

As I also mentioned - I foolishly forwarded it to middle daughter Anna without being aware that she and Jane were at an internet cafe and that Jane had full knowledge of our... betrayal of confidence.

The reasons for our.. bafflement? wonder? amazement and perhaps concern about the letter are many.

Here is Jane's letter to her big sister.

Hey Sara!!

awww he is sooo cute!!!
Well i have
decide not to live in sydney anymore well not for a while any
way!!
when i finish grade 12 im going to schoolies then im going to
live in Gatton(thats where Tonia and Gary Live) because i want to be a wildlife
officer or something like that who works with like panda bears and stuff!! and
Gatton has the 3 best course...people all over the world come there just to do
that course..... but before i start there me and garry are traveling the
world YAH:) so yea i hope that works out! and while im studying at uni im gonna
work in child care as a part time job or something cause at the moment im am
doing certificate 3 in early childhood studies!!

i hoping to save
30 grand in 2 years....thats gonna be heaps hard but i gotta try lol.....because
formal, schoolies, car, Around the world and my new apartment and funiture and
uni course will be coming up in 2 years!!

i like my new
school alot and i told mum that and shes mad at me but nothing new there!! its
really hot here ...i wish i was in sydney though its cold there and i love
sydney!! its flodding here at the monet aswell but its not getting any hgiger i
dont think...its just around the river....we are about 50 meters away from it so
we were lucky!!

im looking for a job at the moment but i havnt put
my resume much place..only sizzlers and Sanity!!
im at the
bowling centre at the moment because its the only way we can use the internet at
the moment but it cost 7 dollars for an hour so i wont reply for a while
sorry :( well best be off then!! Cya :)
love you
say
hi to judy, Jay, Chris and judys kids...i think its david i cant
rem,ber the other gals name lol:(

welll bye!!

It is a lovely letter - albiet full of dreadful mistakes.... and she sounds so cheerful and looking forward to the future.... BUT....

Well - I had to drag Jane out of bed every day for school. Weekends and holidays she is lucky to even be dressed before 1pm. Her past jobs - I have to yell at her to just get her there 5 minutes LATE. Her apathy would make me fret to utter distraction... Jane always thinks large amounts of money spent on things such as her music lessons or gym or.. whatever would make her happy. And yet no matter how often I would try to give her something she has said she wants - she would always ALWAYS just put it aside and/or discard it. I know the girls printed out about 20 resumes in application for jobs for Jane. I was with the girls when Jane handed in hers at Sizzlers. I saw the envelopes all with prospective employers names on the front.

Their first day at school I rang to see how they went and got Jane on the phone. The conversation went like this:-

"How was your first day at school?"

"It was wonderful - I learnt more today than I did the entire time I was at Toolooa!" gushed Jane.

"Right, goodnight Jane.. talk to you later..." and I hung up.

I wasn't mad that she had a nice time at school - I was mad at the stupid statement ...I just didn't feel able to cop such bullshit.Anna rang back to tell me how her day went - but I did go to work that evening after my day off... and William and MOTH simply forgot to tell me Anna wanted to talk too.

Jane is mad at Me. And it isnt logical - but it is just the way it is. It is my fault she is over weight - I wont pay for the gym and drive her to swimming. It is my fault she doesn't have nice clothes - because within days of purchasing them they mysteriously dont fit her. Or clothes are disposable wear once only items. Something like that. It is my fault she got caught shoplifting because I wouldn't provide for her. (She was mostly stealing baby items) I wouldn't of bought her foundation - I admit that - because her skin is PERFECT. It is my fault she isnt a brilliant musician - I wouldn't pay for the lessons. I cant get this girl to get out of damn bed in the morning but had I provided these magical beans she would of been better off. In the past I have wasted money paying for drama classes etc that she GOT KICKED OUT OF FOR BAD BEHAVIOUR... and you dont get refunds. I dont have to do that kind of effort - the cajoling, nagging, bribing and screaming like a mad woman to get her siblings to attend their chosen.. things. I just have to make sure I have organised paying for the chosen thing, find a way for them to get there and turn up sometimes when I am meant to. Make sure their stuff is clean etc... Will and Anna just always make things easier on me....

I hope Sara wasn't REALLY MAD at me when she rang to berate me for showing them that she forwarded the email. I actually didn't realise I was dobbing her in because Anna is normally excellent at discretion. I really wasn't aware Jane was sitting beside Anna as I forwarded the email. I was terribly flippant - because I was just enjoying listening to Sara's voice for a minute or so.

But I found it .. amusing? that Jane took the betrayal hard. Because she has always been so brilliant at betraying her sisters (and my) confidence... it seems ironic that she should be able to make her sisters feel bad for betraying hers.

I am enormously worried that Jane seems to equate her happiness with money or .. fantasies about things that.. just aren't going to make her happy or be viable. She choses relationships with people that can't be good for her ... and her loyalty to those people becomes a defiance to me... There are times I wonder if I should pretend those relationships are fantastic so she can ditch them....

I love that girl. I just wish she could make things easier on herself.

Mud in your eye?

I have a sty under my eye. A very large pimple like thing... under my eye. I knew it was coming ... but it is annoying now. I could have the flu coming but I am combating that with mad healthy eating and resting.

The sty - almost came in very handy. At work we were told we had to attend a staff meeting.. and suddenly the sty was a stroke of luck. I lamented to all staff I had contact with that I had a terribly sty under my eye that was causing me a dreadful headache. It was actually just annoying me and making me look rediculously ugly...
Almost handy - because the staff meeting was cancelled. Thank dog. Why we have to have them out of hours when we are not paid is beyond me.
I adopted a somewhat dramatic - oh dear - my eye... stance just so I had an excuse on why I didnt attend. I wonder if I could FAKE a sty next time?
I am rundown. That is why I get the silly stys. I know that. I was somewhat surprised when my mother told me... "Of course your run down - you dont like change and that makes you rundown." Oh. Just a rediculous ... "oh".

It is odd with my girls not being here. (Especially Anna - Jane has been at boarding school for sometime before the past 8 months so I am used to just the teenage girl turmoltuos stuff at school holiday time)
The clean bedrooms (not including William's "tornado look" which I am sure is all the rage... somewhere) and less work - still seem somewhat confronting to me. I get confused in the laundry when there is none. I dont seem to remember to cook for just three people. (The dogs are not unhappy with this part of the scenerio) We all stare at the telephone when it rings and wait for one of the girls to answer it... and we all look surprised when the telephone rings out.
"Maybe we should of answered that?" and we all look at each other accusingly. "Nah!" we all decide. Normally the girls would push us over to answer the telephone.

Monday we get all new kids at work. 21 brand new almost two year olds. The odd part is.. I didnt like accepting the children I have had for this past eight months.. are moving up. I know most of them are ready and just so eager and willing to learn different things. I am just that selfish.. that I didnt want to and dont want to let them go. I like waking up looking forward to playing with them. I like their laughter, their tantrums and their ability to learn. Hunting for lizards, spiders, frogs and bugs. Stick insects stuck on our clothing - and vying to be the one who has the bug on us? Touching jelly, dough, spaghetti and paint. Roaring laughing at hot and cold play... hiding behind my back as I call them and mock that I have lost them and then screaming when they jump into my view...
These new 21 kids have awful big shoes to fill. Well - awful small shoes really. (three of the 21 I have had for a couple of months and I know they are amazing so that is a plus)
I really worry... what if I dont like these kids like I loved the last batch? I worry that the two batches I have had... where simply amazing due to luck.. and soon horrid kids will come and that could make me love the job less... worse make me... soured at it? Oh dog let these kids be as wonderful as the last ones.
Let them be funny, and compassionate and caring and like to see nature. Let them be angry and sick and tired and FEEL so freely and let them let me be part of their days. Their little hands around mine and tears on my neck. The triumph when they get colours, shapes and animal names correct - let me feel that too. The understanding when we agreed shades of blue/purple/pink etc could be too close for just one guess.
I hope the new kids will be good at the hokey pokey. I hope they will all complain to me when I get it wrong. I hope they will be fussy about the jocks or knickers they have to wear. I hope they will all copy me when I say "oh dear oh dear" and I hope they will all say "he/she is being UNHELPFUL".... when whoever said that is probably being damn unhelpful themselves.
I hope their next room carers.. love them as much as I love them. And I hope I dont miss them too much.
My daughter Jane sent a very uplifting positive email to her sister today. Sara forwarded it to me in confidence and I mistakenly showed it to her other sister Anna... not calculating the fact that Anna and Jane were at a net cafe using the internet... and therefore I betrayed the confidences. Of course Jane would be completely oblivious that she betrays Anna's confidences all the time - often with pure spite....like the time she ran to tell me Anna had had sexual relations...or telling her father that Anna likes to party and drink alcohol with her friends....
Poor Sara of course felt dreadful that Jane found her accidental betrayal? and telephoned me to berate me for it. I am getting so awful I just find it so nice to hear my daughters voices that I dont mind being introuble.
William signed on again for soccer today. I paid the fees - bought new socks etc... and we went to lunch at the chinese restuarant together. I was surprised to find Will and I have never "had lunch" before. Not just the two of us. Other than at home or feeding the ducks at the park etc. His manners where lovely and I was really pleased. He commented that I only "had lunch" with his sisters. And that is really silly of me.. because he is a lovely lunch companion.