Ok - somewhat calmer

I feel a little bit silly waffling like that for the past few blogs.
Our dog Rocky has to be desexed. I have to pay for him to be registered as a dangerous dog and he gets a special dangerous dog collar, a muzzle and signs that have to be erected on our fence warning of the dangerous dog.
Shame I am not allowed to put signs on the neighbours fence warning that they are idiots.
Nothings going to change. Rocky will still be ... the dog on my bed at night, my warner of intruders, my greeter at all opening of any doors.... and we can afford this. Actually - I consider him worth every cent... times a million really. I wish he liked baths but other than that... he is everything I like in a dog.
Damn shame he chose to shake the little dog. But I know he would do it again.
I adore my family. I wish they wouldn't fight. I wish some of them wouldn't choose to live so far away. It's not all days by the water having fun and mad meal times. Some of being a family happens to be... arguments and nasty comments and selfishness.. raised voices and tantrums and restless nights on the sofa until the dogs drive me nuts and I have to creep back into my own bed.
The simple fact is.. I love them.
BUT.. get this. My works gone a bit crazy of late. Insecurity that I think is due to outside pressures that myself and my coworkers have no power to control has .... hmmmm dampened spirits?
But our numbers of children have been low - and without children we don't have jobs. That has been picking up daily for us. But our boss has decided to shuffle the workplace arrangements to "REDUCE THE TENSION" (that's what the crazy memo says) there has been a shuffle of assistants to begin in two weeks. And I love working in my room with my group leader... and I adore the age group I have. I will be moving into the Kindy room.. so to 3-4 year olds. Most of these children I had as 22 month olds until 30 month olds and I loved them all. The woman who is the group leader in that room is lovely. So where is the catch? That woman goes on maternity leave soon. I have mucked around and not completed the qualifications I need... and it is most likely I will have to work with someone .......... for want of a better word... yucky.
I work with two year olds.
Sometimes I find their language quite appropriate.
Arghhh and Gah.
Oh - as my little blonde haired two year old often tells me... "BULLSHIT". She said that too me today... and usually I tell her not to use that word and chastise her... all I could do was nod and tell her that I agreed... it was.
Oddly enough.. she then didn't say it again.
The children are going to get a new person to look after them that I find quite cruel. Part of me thinks being with my old kids will be lovely. But I like what I do - who I work with and the wonderful age my kids are.
I really only have a few assignments to finish and attend to some idiot posters that I just hate doing for the course. I decided today I was going to have tomorrow off sick and do the damn things. And when I got home... I realised my partner has tomorrow off due to the rain and my kids will be home. If I stayed home.. I wouldnt get anything done. I would be taxi, cook, companion and mediator. Hand holder and appointment maker, general cleaner and tongue biter....
It is bullshit. I love working where I do and I should of attended to my studies. I just get too damn busy at home .... Rain is forecast for the rest of the week... how ghastly.

Rocky was declared dangerous

The council's letter stated that he had attacked a person.

That of course was bullshit.

The councils spokesperson said that it was just a typo.

The horrid little man said that Rocky's,,, puncturing the little dogs neck was dangerous and not necessary and I became instantly annoyed and thought of all the parents who have attacked me verbally because their kids have bite wounds, skinned knees or bumped foreheads and told me it was my fault.

The fact is... dogs are dogs. They behave like dogs. Children are children. They behave like children.

If you are a dog lover.. dont move to Gladstone. The pound keepers will put your entire dog in with a on heat pure bred bitch. We witnessed the pound keeper then kick our own dog to try get him off her.

Oh I am mad at MOTH for letting Rocky get the little dog. But I cant stay mad at the little dog no matter how often he barks and be's horrid.

Rocky has to be desexed now... and council will give him a dangerous dog collar... a muzzle and some signs for our house to say he is dangerous....and we have to pay large fees to register him.

I am so mad at MOTH. As he and Anna fight I just get more and more demented.

Absolute paling in comparison

The news is constant with the awful stuff happening in Victoria. I remember the fires in my own hometown of Cootamundra and the ones recently when I wasnt there but I still worried....

I guess its just awful selfishness that I still worry about my own ... much lesser problems?

Jane is in Laidley... and I havent spoken to her yet. She rang Anna for the money she lent Anna but I declined to get into that telephone conversation. I hear both sides...

Today William got offered a soccer trip to the UK that would cost me... about 8 k... and I semi lost the plot because I just cant afford it. And that makes me feel bad.

On the weekend MOTH took me too Brisbane to attend to something stupid I did... and made us hurry.... (We had to pick up a computer that somehow I got wrangled with fixing when really I have never claimed to be good at hardware stuff... I barely manage with software stuff... but I wouldnt quit... and I took it to a friend who knows more and then... it had to come back.. and its still fucked)

MOTH drove through his hometown where I lived with him for a while and I didnt cope very well. I was still terrified of the place... and just so glad I escaped.

My dog Rocky was declared dangerous. I will add to that in a minute with a seperate title. My daughter Anna and my partner are fighting in a way that upsets me ... so awfully that I am scared to speak and I wish I could run away.

But I cant... I have work, my family has to live and pay bills and someone has to cook and clean...

The kids at work are lovely and so alive and clever. I love this job. It makes it so sad knowing I cant keep doing it - I cant afford to, and if I could afford to I am growing so tired of this town that I just have to leave soon. If I want things to get better I have to go back to administration. I don't think I can be a legal secretary anymore because now I do answer back. Childcare doesnt pay. Most of the workers are lovely... but oh my goodness worrying about the others is just... horrid.

My tears are selfish. I shouldnt expect to have decent relationships with the two children I barely had any impact on raising. I shouldnt cry over them.

I just dont have $8000 to send William off to the UK for soccer fun. And if I did have it... I think I could take us all for that amount of money. I am the queen of free or cheap. But he just never asks for anything.
And It felt awful telling him.. I just dont have the money. I dont have anything. I pay off a car every week I never get to drive. I dont think anyone would lend me the money to buy another one...I dont get to say what time my windows are drawn.
And the only time I got excited because I thought I had a friend of my own... she only wanted to hang around me for what MOTH can provide. And that stuff... annoys the crap out of me.

I know I am whinging way more than anyone should be allowed to... but I got one more. My apologies for my waffling.

She didn't listen.....

Saturday night as it grew late and my friend was about to leave, Jane told me that she had something important to tell me. My friend left some ten minutes later and Jane springs on me that in the morning she catches the train to join her Uncle on the extreme outskirts of Brisbane - who has agreed to help her return to school.

She kept asking me to respond... but I had nothing to respond with ... I can't say no - she will anyway. I can't say "Go with my best wishes" - because now I have to explain to MacDonald's here why Jane isn't here to accept the shifts she went to go and get... after much coercion from me. Because I don't believe she wants to go to school for the right reasons and I don't believe moving 700 kms away from her parents (not just me and her stepfather but her father too 100kms north of us)is for the benefit of the family... and because I just know too well the trauma and expense of setting her up for a new school or beginning only to find she .....

Gah.

Poor Uncle. I wonder if I ever told him how difficult it is to get her out of bed before midday? Jane gets chance No 107 (I could be overusing poetic license a little again) at basic attending school.... and achieving somewhat harmonious living.

There is an even more sinister side to it all from me than just Jane's continual betrayal and bad choices. And the ghastly bit is me. Not only do I feel the frustration and hurt at what she does... but the fact that I actually breathe a sigh of relief because it simply is easier with just Anna and William - makes me feel so very terrible. What an awful mother. I find my own daughter such a conflict.. so very strange to me... unpredictable, taciturn and absolutely unable to care about the feelings of the rest of us....that I am actually relieved (when I am not worrying about her safety) that the house is just back to us.

Anna explains it as it has always really just been us - and somehow I understand that. Doesn't make it less sad.. just makes it a bit easier to concentrate on the positives..... William just knows to come for a hug sometimes and head back to the Tardis. (That is what we have always called his room).

I don't understand or like or.... have enough patience with the self harm - the sleeping all day, the churlish remarks, the refusal to help with chores without a song and dance worthy of a slavery story, the fact I worry more than any parent should that she could be stealing.. and I feel suitably revolted in myself for feeling all of this.

And I don't know what to do to stop it all.

So instead I deal with Anna's mad plans to go blonde, attend soccer sign up with William and just deal with my week at work as best I can. Hoping no one see's too through me as a failure as a parent to two of my kids.