Steve Irwin - an unqualified view

I was just reading a few posts about the tragic and untimely death of Steve Irwin. (Jam the GG arguements or any similar - 44 is about as fucking untimely as you can get)

A few hours after we found out Steve was dead (via text message if you please? We were texted with "Did you know Steve Irwin is dead". Every word was spelt wrong - it came via Anna's (15 years)phone.)We were at the fish market picking up supplies for a special supper for my girlfriends birthday. The whole shop started talking about it.

I can confess to being a "knocker" of Steve's. That is simply because he was alive and whilst alive in Australia it is perfectly acceptable and very often appropriate for moments of humour, wit and our comfortable bad taste. Especially if you are in the spotlight - the tall poppy syndrome. It is simply part of our culture. Also he once said Little Johnny was the greatest leader in Australia and then REALLY got carried away and said the world. (Buggared if I can find the link to that now but it was truly vomit stuff) I will probably knock you if I hear you support Little Johnny just because I can.

When we had cable tv, "The Crocodile Hunter" was played rather persistantly. One blog I read mentioned that here in Australia we didnt see all that much - that lovely person probably didnt have small children to amuse. I went through a brief (manic) time of insisting my children only watch "Discovery Channel" "National Geographic" "The History Channel" etc.... mostly because had I let my wee ones they would of watched cartoons all day every day, and the very first time one of my kids told me to "eat my shorts" led to a short obsession with censorship that I invariably lost control of.
Anyhoo - (I can waffle hey?) My personal experience of that was that ole Stevie boy showed my kids how to milk cane toads on tv. How to gently squeeze the thingo's (I should of been watch the show too hey?) glands on the top of their head and the white stuff that came out was the poison. I had long stopped being afraid of cane toads, because I have seen my girls dress them in dolls clothes and place them in the cabbage patch clothes dolls pram (said cabbage patch doll turfed out face down in the lawn) and drag them around. Said cane toads would not mind this .. interaction for a while and then the bastards would escape and I would have teary girls who had lost their "babies". The cat and dog dried food attracted the damn toads. It is also very funny when you are six to throw a cane toad near your mother and ask her to kiss the "baby". Sadly I was the mother. But even I had engaging moments where you realise the toad is enjoying being stroked. We used a hell of a lot of dettol those days - but in the same sentence we also had to wash all the dettol of because it really made the toads suffer.

And my Jane... took to said "milking" task with great gusto - and until I asked her older sister why she had asked me for a jar I had NO IDEA WHAT SHE WAS BLOODY DOING!
Same year Jane also downloaded instructions for building home made bombs and printed them and I knew nothing about that until the school rang me to come in. Actually same year of what Jane did would take a novel. But she was right into anything ... hmmm experimental? It usually called for me having to apologise to other parents, teachers and children.

So I would knock him.. in the ocker way. No malice just "what a bastard!". Germaine Geers' horrible diatribe doesn't (to me) qualify under that kind of thing. I found this comment so very distasteful. "You can just imagine Irwin yelling: "Just look at these beauties! Crikey! With those barbs a stingray can kill a horse!" (Yes, Steve, but a stingray doesn't want to kill a horse. It eats crustaceans, for God's sake.)"

She mentions when a bird tore at his nose and the bird having more brains than a croc. Heavens - we all roared laughing when the bearded dragon bit his nose. And when the croc came very close to his genitals. We do the same when other Aussie adventurers have similar misadventures. Hell - I do it when my own kids get bitten by a lizard, cricket (I kid you not) or a fish. My finicky daughter the day a leech attached itself to her hand. Now - it was FUNNY!You know they had a small amount of pain and that isnt what you are laughing at but it is damn funny to see this stuff. Read Jellyfishes blog about the kid with the leech in his mouth. It simply is FUNNY.

"Just hold the critter there while Mummy gets the camera and do that again!" (They rarely oblige sadly)

I cant help myself I watch Malcolm Douglas because aside from any of the beautiful views, lovely animals I am waiting for him to bog himself hopelessly, or his dog to pinch the beautiful fish he just caught and yes I am waiting for him to hook himself on his home made lures. And - because part of their job is showman... he does! Hooray!

It is just astounding how venomous people can be.

I always try not to visit Tim Blair's blog. It is like a curiousity of something ghastly. A train wreck? Follow the link to the comments. But I did when I read Pavlov's Cat. I wish I didnt. (Not read her blog I mean - I love that - I mean follow the links) It then becomes like a stoning from "The Holy Grail".

Steve's death shocked me profoundly because I really never imagined a sting ray would kill you. Never. Maybe a small child or an elderly person. We often see sting rays and marvel in their incredible beauty. I have stood and watched them swim past me as I wait for my rod to tug and see them swim past me so close. And never did I feel scared. When we are fishing in the shallows in the boat and they swim past and are interested in our bait or what is struggling in the water that we have caught. And how close they are to me and how I have put my hand in the water to be closer and watch them watch me.

Once - only once did I have fear and that was when Maggie our Kelpie fishing mad dog went insane because Christian had one on the fishing line and she was being an absolute lunatic at the wonderful big hunting catch we had. I begged Christian to cut the line... and the line broke itself... and we fetched Maggie out of the water..... everyone safe. I almost stood on one accidently whiting fishing at Caloundra and Christian knocked me over backwards. I got up to abuse him - I had a fish and was stepping forward to get it and had almost stood on a very large one just sitting in his/her sand hole. I had to apologise then.. standing on one wouldnt be wise. But being near them never worried me. As a matter of fact their presence was always one of the most wonderful things for me and with the water.

I think Germaine Greers comment he "As a Melbourne boy, Irwin should have had a healthy respect for stingrays, which are actually commoner, and bigger, in southern waters than they are near Port Douglas," were a little bit lost. Dementia? He left Melbourne as a 6 year old and attended Caloundra High School? How are you a "Melbourne Boy" when the majority of your life was spent somewhere completely different? Ask your teenager of their memories under 6. I wonder why GG would assume he would assimilate himself as a "Melbourne boy"? Maybe she just has better booze and drugs than the rest of us! (Notwithstanding I really didnt like the horrible bully banter of Tim Blair's followers.)

My partner works 10 hour days in heat - never cold just heat. Even our winters are a lovely 24 C during the day but down a hole its a hell of a lot hotter. When he comes home he does an odd thing - he yells at the tv and the current affairs programs. It sometimes alarms me and the kids. He doesnt think he is yelling. He wears ear plugs all day - and he thinks he is just talking. It isnt a characteristic just of his - the children and I notice their father does the exact same thing. For some odd reason if something annoys them on the tv they yell some absolute rubbish and we all flee... because we think they must be cranky.

They are not - they just do this odd thing. And the first thing Christian heard was the reaction to GG. I said to him "She is actually a smart and witty woman who has certainly contributed to modern society BUT the way she makes money is she stirs up shit - and that is how she gets paid" or in similar words but with more swearing because he was yelling very loud and none of the kids, dogs or me like it if anyone yells. He wisely told me in a quiet voice - "when I have to stir up shit" (he means literally as in a sewer line problem) "all you do is yell at me."

Point taken he was quite right. I do.

My mother emailed me on how sad Steve Irwins passing was. And a Canadian chat friend asked me if I could post him the Australian news articles on the incident - which of course I can. Within hours of his death.

I loved what Pavlov's Cat did with Colin Theile, Don Chipp and Steve. I so seriously should pay attention to the news. I cried at Colin's death and I only read about it at PC's and then went and searched it. I still feed pelicans and fuck anyone who says I cant. THEY at least have always scared the shit out of me if I didnt. I know to respect them because aside from loving "Storm Boy" I know a 6 foot wing span squarking at me will make me let them have whatever they want. Eh - see here.. Colin allowed me to survive motherhood. I know what to be scared of! Kids were easy going - just hard work.

I honestly never knew sting rays kill you. I figured they are just pleasant creatures who get mighty cranky if you catch them and seeing we fish on light line almost always break free. I have eaten them once that I know of. And bloody nice too.

I read all the stuff about calling them slimy to touch. I didnt find them slimy to touch just smooth? And as to the "Dr Meridith... knowing Steve?" you can know anybody and not say what they did minutes before they died?

Steve said and did many things I disagreed with. But he did a hell of a lot more that I so approved of. And he wasnt some half assed twit that just did the minimum ... he stuck his head out. Dont trust your governments to buy land to save animals. It is your wealthy that will do it. To the twits that say there should be no private santuarys... may Harriet bite your ass in your sleep.

Above all - he loved his family and his animals. It is impossible for me to hate any man who can do that.

Can you ROSTER a ROOSTER - we need you!

Ok - we have already established it doesn't take a terrible lot to amuse me. This really tickled me but. It is like the person who typed this up has used her naughty draft instead of the real one! The trouble Word auto correct can make!

The fundraising person has to CO-ORDININATE A ROOSTER. Line up the hens maybe? Make sure his feathers are in place and matching? Wake him up in the mornings so he can cock-a-doodle-doo on time? Tell him which hens are failing to make the egg grade? Mind boggles!(One of my Aunts collects Roosters - I think she was born in the year of a Rooster - she should put her hand up hey!)

I particularly like "going on a rooster"? Should we call the RSPCA? How many people exactly would fit on this Rooster? Do we bring our own Rooster food?

Warning - this stuff is just me bitching. Scroll to the next one.

Their maths also amused me. One hundred and sixteen players forfeiting the $600 canteen duty fine... costs $20 per player? And I berated myself for my dreadful maths! Last year I was secretary to the secretary - and I thought that was very funny! But I do always hate the tone of these damn letters. IF they needed my help why didn't anyone ASK? I am not going to go out of my way to find extra stuff to do - but if they ask they already know I never say no. (OK - so I have hidden behind cars before when I realise they want help in the canteen - but mannnnnnnnnn you should see how horrible that is. It can take a full five minutes for some ladies to add up what you have bought - and by that time the hot stuff is cold and the cold stuff has melted. Or worse - when they hand you your drink and their fingers are on the INSIDE of the cup. I take my own. Sigh.)

Preparing for Father's Day

This Sunday is Father's Day. So today I selected the presents for my youngest child William to present to his step father and father on the weekend. It is also my youngest daughter Janes birthday on Friday - but her father has got in first and she is spending the weekend with him. (I had hoped to deliver some magnificent cake creation to boarding school and delight her with her gifts there or at the beach - somehow I COMPLETELY forgot all about fathers day until I got an earful via said father.)
I let William wrap them as he saw fit. I probably should of known better. As you can see - spelling is not his strongpoint. I was tempted to stick an extra "R" & "T" in his sperm donor father's one..... and then remembered that would only antagonise.... and even if I do antagonise him with something witty and funny it takes him way too long to get over it... so best I dont. Oh yeah - trust me ole sperm donor has never had to brave three different shopping expeditions with the kids to find the "perfect" present for me.

Anyhoo - so the plan now is I drive to his dark and abysmal home* an hour and a bit away - all of us have to smile and be sweet and us females are expected to eat like ladies.........No sucking the chocolate off the licorice and putting it back on the plate in front of him.. no sireee... It can be funny - one of the girls swear or answer me back and he jumps right on them. The most shocked one is usually me. He will make the girls wash up - I better be careful with the planning of the cake incase he insists one of them vacuums too.

He will insist the gift recipient expresses the correct and proper thankfulness (Oh - too good - tomorrow I will wrap up some tea towels - that should be funny) and share any bounties like chocolates. Poor buggar - he has no idea why they avoid him.

Anna has bought him a garbage bin and some decent pillows (cause the house has none) and I will ring Jane tomorrow to find out what she wants me to get him.

I said William could stay the weekend - forgetting of course that soccer season is almost over and its.. not semi finals the one before that this Saturday. So Jane is stuck there for the weekend by herself. Anna has work and she got out of this weekend by saying she would take the weekend of his birthday off. It will just be the opening of the gifts, mutilation of the cake and the drive back home.

My Dad is owed a million letters and pictures and tomorrow I will delay the painting to put all that together and post it. Christian's Dad I will have to buy something and throw in the post too.

That sounds dreadfully flippant doesnt it? The fact is all the fathers in our life... yep sperm donor included have done a heck of a lot and have our eternal respect. It just seems kinda sad that we have to send them a crummy box of $10 chocolates and pay $12 to post it with a crummy card...And my oldest baby doesnt even have that option this year (her father died recently)and I wonder what she will do.

Righto - I better start sorting out what to send my Dad from two pc's and heaven knows how many bloody cds. He will love the blokes yard at Theodore with all the dead tractors. Sigh.

*This house is a gorgeous old Queenslander but as a single man he has simply outfitted it with the bare necessities and other than badly or unframed pictures of the kids no decorating at all.

Two (Really three) interesting blogs today

Ok - this one is somewhat disturbing and .. hmmm... scarey. HMHB's blog is very interesting itself. But hey! SEVEN HUNDRED Al Qaeda sympathisers released from prison after being "corrected" in Saudi Arabia.

The mind can boggle I tell ya. It is my fault - I just finished reading Colleen McCullough's Caeser. Now HE had some interesting methods of "correcting"! It can be better if I simply don't think some days.


Ok - and then over at Pavlov's Cat we find the objectional moronic, stupid argument that the new Cervical cancer vaccine "Gardasil" (today available for Australians who have the $400 spare for their daughters! I will be saving!)- and out come the lunatics who have to say dumbass stuff like... the drug will encourage teenagers to be promiscuous. (Oops and as Tigtog says - for the boys too of course!)

Hey - Saudia Arabia has 700 spare prison places for idiot "Christian value" parents who would forgo a vaccine that could spare their daughters cervical cancer incase their daughters interpret that as to go forth and have sex with as many men as possible! Don't mention the sex word - the children might hear! Blah - cant the world be stupid?

P.S Scroll down in Tigtog's blog - I love the 6 year old saying the word "penis" and her father who declares her as "traumatised". Sigh. I thought EVERY parent knows not to react when a child says "fuck" or "dick" but penis? Yep - that poor poor 6 year old.

Painting a RENTED house

About a month ago I rang our landlord/lady to ask if I could cut down two trees out the front to make for easier access to the yard with the two boats, three trailers and two car stuff. (I despise being parked in.. it is a terrible and stupid fear as I have no reason whatsoever to be so fussy about this.. but I really hate to find my car is parked in. I don't even like driving! It really isnt the most rational thing about me. But it really will upset me if I feel my car is parked in a way I cannot access it when I want? Actually I can completely not want nor be capable of driving and will still get upset if my car is parked in.)

Anyway - I got the him - not the her. And his answer to my request was "Mel - you CAN DO WHATEVER YOU LIKE" which, ya know in hindsight he is probably going to regret saying. Especially when I tell his wife the reason I did it was because he said I could. It was like the cartoon lightbulb as I placed the phone back into its hook. "Mel - you CAN DO WHATEVER YOU LIKE" It - well I just wish I could hear those words more than I do.

So I interpreted it rather broadly and decided to paint the interior of the house bright yellow. It has always pissed me off that the bad paint job and terrible patch up of the previous tenants holes seem to attract the attention of my guests and friends. (Oh - the hole in William's wall was Lancelot, Christian and William being boys and the hole in the built-in wardrobe was Jane being impatient with the door/her sister and the perfect iron burn mark in the carpet in Anna's room was - according to Anna - always there even if no one saw it for a year and it is the perfect fit for our iron.)

And it is looking really nice. But I forgot that painting is so slow and boring. I shake all the time (just the degree varies ..from very mild to absolutely out of control usually only if I have drunk too much or am completly nervous and agitated and havent eaten) and so I need to hold my painting arm to get the perfect line cut in. I am pretty fussy too.. if I am going to do a job it has to be perfect.

And it is painfully obvious I am not used to hard work. My whole body is in agony and the climbing and balancing is not as easy as I remembered it ten years ago. But it looks lovely and is bright and cheery.

Maybe, in hindsight bright, yellow wasnt a good idea. It seems to be attracting bugs. Wonderful. It is also terribly clean looking which makes the blue and red sofa's look very dirty. Alright, they are dirty. Britex time. After painting etc.

To me - it is also a conclusion. An admission that I am not just camping here and am living here. That is a good thing. Perpetually feeling like you are just camping isnt a good way to be. From grey with terrible mismatches to bright happy yellow of daisy style.

Interesting Katrina aftermath blog

Found this blog whilst checking out Elsewhere's travelling blog - both are very interesting. I think it is very sensible to try blog whilst travelling - all those times we have travelled around Queensland and I can no longer remember names of places? It isn't just that for a while I thought I would have to wait three weeks for pictures and stories. Honestly.

I will have to look later and see if there are any interesting ones about Larry? (And I wonder why Robyn removed hers?)

No stripping at funerals!

There you go!

A pleasant change maybe from drunk-off-her-tits Aunt Mabel stripping whilst Uncle Bill falls after his beer into the grave? Funerals are funerals no matter where you are!

It sounds pretty familiar to me. Except I guess all the ones I attended no one could afford to pay strippers so we just supplied them ourselves. Or someone keeps supplying more booze.

Theodore

Christian went to Theodore this week for three days with work. I agree with Big Mama - it sucks when your partner is away!

Apparantly These pictures are Theodore. They went there to work on a new sub division. I should listen to what they actually do - but alas I dont listen very well sometimes.

This is partly because as I look at the photos he took - it alarms me that he finds the yard with all the dead tractors as fascinating. He would do that to our yard if I allowed him to. Actually - he is always trying to achieve this look - but thankfully we have Listers - who will remove anything on wheels for free.(The picture of IGA was for Anna - IGA's are EVERYWHERE!)




Anyhoo - I had a plan of all these things I wanted to finish/achieve while he was away and I - achieved NONE. I haven't finished the shellaking; I havent re-sorted the kitchen cuboards and sidetable out; I havent put together and posted all the stuff I have been meaning to send my family; I didnt work on the kids cooking/scrap book;etc etc. Could ramble on for ages there!
Really - other than taxi, cook and make half hearted starts at stuff I did NOTHING.

Rocky the wonderdog was very miserable. To commiserate he chose to sleep on Christian's pillows. William also decided to sleep with me. (I was not previously aware of how loudly he snores)If it wasn't for me hearing all the odd noises of the night - I didnt have to listen hard - Rocky chose to bark his head off at every noise from the safety of my bed.

Before Christian left - I lost his debit card. Two weeks earlier HE lost the card. DREADFUL MEL berated Christian with words like "irresponsible; careless; absolutely impossible and stupid". Such words were not used when I lost the damn card.

Anyway - the card has been found and he has to pick it up from the bank tomorrow (Friday is the only day the bank is actually open when he isnt at work) Kinda like forced savings! He shall have his new boat motor very soon.

BUT - doesn't absence make the heart grow fonder! My churlish behaviour when he is under my feet, eating everything in sight (especially when I have visitors coming and he is eating the stuff I am preparing for them),sitting on furniture when he is filthy dirty straight home from work, the rotten habit of scraping his boots of mud at the front door, taking over my art/decorating projects - oh the list goes on!

STUPID MEL decided the way to handle the mouse in the trap situation in Christian's absence was to hoik it out the back door - trap and wee pretty dead thing (Yes - I find mice very pretty and that is why I hate them dead)...... was in hindsight a very stupid thing to do. Of course, the dogs found it and played with it for a day and bought it back inside. Naturally the dogs waited until I had a visitor before bringing the thing inside. Of course.

SO - our partners certainly have their uses aside from sex when you want it and to carry heavy things. Best we get him the new boat motor soon.

Christian thought I would like a picture of the bouganvillia. And of course he is right - it does look splendid. I didn't even mention that he could of moved the sticks and orange plastic first. Bravo to the nice Mel!

New Fridge and freezer

Kids love the cardboard boxes from whitegoods. William is not too old for them - I had thought of giving them to younger kids whom I thought would enjoy it. Twelve is not too old to still love to play with boxes. When Will heard my idea to give away the prized boxes he was disgusted with me.

Last weekend he and his mate A painted the fridge box into their version of the tardis. It is completely nothing like I would of made - but hey it is Will's box. He has been SLEEPING in the freezer box. Yes - I agree there is something wrong with practising to be a homeless person.

And YES his room normally is as messy as that. The tardis idea comes from the times my girlfriends and I have wine and nibblies - or coffee - whatever and they are amazed at how many kids come in and out of Will's room when no one ever seems to know exactly how many are in there. Especially me. Will has great mates and somehow they all fit in the room. I can hear boys playing soccer outside so I am sometimes surprised to find "extras" in his room playing Xbox, gameboy or board games. I have just learnt never to assume I am alone in the house. My friends find it amusing that it doesnt worry me.

Birthday partys and pleasant walks

Today was J's birthday party (another lovely local kid who frequents our home and heart)- sensibly held at the Marina. All parents know the horror of hosting them in our own homes. I offered to make the cake. Well - actually I have made J's cakes for the past couple of years (barring last year) and he doesn't let me forget when his cake is due.

That cake is meant to be a dinasaur. You just have to use your imagination. Sometimes things dont end up looking as wonderful as I originally planned them. J didn't seem disappointed at all though.

While the party was being held Christian, Anna, myself and Dotti the wonderdog (who you may recall is completely deaf and somewhat...... difficult to train) decided to walk from the first set of swings around the entire marina to Spinniker park and enjoy the sights. It is not easy to walk Dotti. Really not easy. This photo of Anna and Dotti is kinda how the whole walk goes. She doesnt know whether she wants to a) walk b)run (she is very strong) or c) attack the lead. She desperately wants to say hello to every other dog and will crouch down and pull so hard to get to them.
The marina makes for a lovely pleasant walk. We strolled and spent a few minutes in a new store that sells jetski's. I managed to drag Christian out with only a small glint in his eye. The store owner was actually very congenial, full of very interesting information - something I find rarely here. A pleasant experience.

By the time we got back to the first set of swings at the marina the party was ready to be packed up and the last of the kids waiting to be picked up.

Wednesday 16th August News

Is it just me? Or was today's news more....... revolting than usual? Or did they run out of real news? Or is this the reason I rarely bother to read the news and just rely on television.

There was the horrid story of the 60 puppies dying in a truck fire in the USA. Luckily I read that alone at home and so didn't have to stiffle my sobs or worry about getting teary.

Then there was Warrick Capper now stripping with his new girlfriends male stripper group. The Capper antics in the 80's were gross enough - but this......... oh man... is just plain disgusting.That picture with the mullet was in the 80's for heavens sake. Some people just don't understand the getting older thing. They seem to believe it will earn money. The saddest thing is it probably will. Gross Gross Gross.

Ian Turpie's lying about his sexual impotence to promote a NASAL SPRAY to remedy it. Oh Gawd. I tell ya - it is just plain scarey and WRONG!

Day two of the Queensland State Government campaign for the election and non-stop bitching and griping there. That can get funny though. Yesterday our Federal government was in an uproar over the use of the words "drongo" and "pork chop" during debating. Yep - exciting stuff.

And only in Australia? The sentencing magistrate of an attempted rapist describes him as a "fine young man" before chuffing him off to jail for 12 years. Magistrates can afford better booze I guess?

I think that is why I prefer to read the blogs I like instead. I found Ann Altman's at Ms Fits' site - now THAT is way more interesting!

Good bugs

Well - maybe not so good for hibiscus. But hey! Hibiscus are tough plants. We call these Harequim beetles. I don't really know if that is the correct name. This is the first one I have found since we left Brisbane over 4 years ago. They also come in a magnificent peacock blue. If you could have your car, dress or hat in these colours you would. They dont seem to mind when you wear them for a few hours. I don't have a hibiscus in our yard so this one was lost. When I finished playing with it I took it two doors down to a neighbours yard who does have hibiscus. (Neighbours probably don't like me an awful lot? Nevermind)

I thoroughly enjoy finding these beetles.It is similar to feeding the ducks, eels and turtles or sitting and watching dolphins play. Doesn't take a terrible lot to keep me amused.

The One that Got Away!

This cod was found dead in the marina last week. Not a mark on it and it apparantly simply died of old age. Love the size of the mouth? (The bad Mel thinks immediately - my death wont be from marauding sharks - no it would be just my luck to be swallowed hole by the damn thing I AM TRYING TO CATCH.)

It was front page of our local paper "The Observer" last week. Pretty cool huh? That would sink our little tinnies!

I suspect I am being an imposter!

This morning - we all overslept. Anna woke me exactly 15 minutes before I had to be at work. There are positives about living in small cities. There are bad things about dressing in a hurry in a dark room. The shirt I had pulled on's colour had faded and looked like I was wearing a bib or a very large drool mark. Thankfully I was only there till 12.30.

I used my "I am awake" face (that I use when I am asleep) and it served me very well. Occasionally I nodded wisely too. I am very grateful that I will never have to use Autocad beyond making it into a pdf, printing, binding or emailing the sucker. Very very grateful. I am almost positive no one heard me snoring. I decided full on erotic daydreams was perfectly acceptable at the bit about using logarithms in Excel.

I kind of understand maths could excite some people. Twenty years ago when I was doing my HSC I battled logarithms. For the life of me I couldnt understand it until a nice tutor told me I was trying to measure the inside of a snail shell. Any other description from any other tutor, teacher or peer could not and would not let me do those bastards. Stuff about atomic mushrooms etc ring a bell but .. NOPE I understood NOTHING. All I wanted to do was pass Maths.

I knew right then when I finally understood WHAT I was trying to do... that there was absolutely no need EVER for me to have to retain that. Never since nor in the future am I going to want to do that. But if you want to do it - that is all fine and well - I will print the sucker out and dispense with it however you see fit. If you like I will add the company logo, page numbers and make a pretty border for you. I have an admiration for people who can do that shit - but no desire too ever do it myself. (Generally I always stamp on snails nowdays too.)

Yep - in hindsight it is a bloody wonder I passed my HSC at all.

I wonder if the engineers think I do understand? Surely NOT! Or worse - that they think when they catch me looking at the maps and graphs I can understand what they are doing with them - I am not I am just trying to find creeks, canals and sandbanks I havent explored yet. Maybe I should just stop doing that incase anyone clicks that I really haven't even the foggiest.

Nevermind - no one has ever complained about my documents, data entry or binding - YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Second Princess is home again

Anna's priceless phone call home to Mummy was this one.

Anna - Mummy!

Me - Yes Anna? How are you?

Anna - Its FREEZING COLD and Mummy you will never guess WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me - THINKING - Which relative/friend has been off his or her tits drunk and dobbed me in for something stupid I did at her age when I was just as beautiful? (She is smarter than me thankfully)

Me - talking - err.. what darling?

Anna - Today I saw "baby lambs" in the WILD.

Me - snort/snot/laugh/ sniffle/snot hahahahahahahhahahahahaha

Anna - Mum.. stop it

Me - snort/snot/laugh/ sniffle/snot hahahahahahahhahahahaha

Anna - Well I have never seen lambs before in the wild - I only saw them at Daycare*
or at the mall out of the "Old MacDonald's Farm trailers before"!

Me - Hahahaha you mean you saw lambs with their mothers in the paddocks.

Anna - You arent paying attention Mum - it is COLD here.

Me - snort/snot/laugh/ sniffle/snot hahahahahahahhahahahaha

Anna - Stop it Mummy - be sensible

Me - I am being sensible darling .. ok and what else have you seen?

Anna - Everyone here has BEAUTIFUL FIRE PLACES.

Me - No crap Anna - should I not buy the new freezer and get a nice brass fireplace?

Anna- Heck yes Mummy - they are so pretty we have done marshmellows every night!



Ok - Me - I give up we have spoilt this kid letting her live in our wonderful weather. Keep your frost/sleet/snow/fog and wild lambs. I ... like to whinge it is too hot.



(Coopers Plains Day Care Centre was the best ever child care centre... second only to Samford Family daycare and YMCA at Acacia Ridge should rot in hell) and

Anna does the cold

I sent Anna to her older sisters father's funeral. (Dont correct my apostrophes ffs) It wasnt just the cold. My new job, Anna never being there.. the chance to meet my family (which didnt happen)

Apparantly Sara has a very nice new boyfriend called Chris. The DAY Anna and I were mucking around in Rockhampton ............... Ok... I figure in Rockhampton no one really knows I am a peasant. So i was jumping around at CAPTAIN SNOOZE trying the beds. Anna suffers from old habits die hard. I spent 15 years smacking her and her siblings for jumping on furniture... now she just WILL NOT DO IT. Big ugly salespeople have to lie next to me to see how a bed I cannot afford will feel. Anyway I am mucking around on .. like the worlds greatest most expensive bed while Anna is begging me to stop.. and who is there.... SARA'S BF FROM her brief... (miss a few words here in case she reads them) visit from hell. He is a nice boy and he showed me the budget beds,,, afterwards. He has a new tinney. He was so nice. It was so awful to get busted jumping on furniture again.

Oh oh.. this all makes no sense.

Not a lot makes sense to me.

Oh .. and Cassie and M tell me stories about rapid heart beating. I wrote a heap back.... and lost it all.

Goodbye Raymond

Funny few weeks really. Since my oldest daughter's distraught phone call telling me of her father's death... till now... how life just keeps on going even when there are moments you would really like to say "Just wait.. I will catch up shortly?" My oldest daughter has my ability to shriek... and I remember her shrieking at me that the person she loved most might die at any time. And he did. He simply did. I guess I was hurt because I always wanted her to love me. But from the tiniest of baby - she always liked him more than me. I think it was because he was so... relaxed always. He didnt worry about bills, or lack of.. material things or anything. He smoked heavily and drank rediculously - but he never seemed to fret about those things either.

I spent the last five plus years furious at Ray and I may have said a few things that right now I wish I could take back. He just never stood up to anyone and never worried about what would happen. Maybe he is the lucky one. The best he could ever do to me... and he did it often enough.. was to drunkenly sway his head side to side and look at me crosseyed..and say "You are a bitch - but I love ya"

He loved everyone really. A million stories and a million good things. And really only the fact that not only did he impregnate me as a teenager and make my struggle a little harder... that he did it again to my daughter (Not incest you sick mind - he allowed her to run away from where she was meant to be and sleep with limp-dick hand whose name thankfully almost always escapes me. My daughter took said incredibly exciting sexy boyfriend... doesn't history repeat itself! to Daddy who said dont worry I wont let mean old auntys or mummy put the little dweeb in jail, whip his ass and make sure no more semen can escape- I probably sound a little crazy... JUST cause.). I think she (Sara) would stand up to me and say she did it to herself. And it isnt begrudging my beautiful daughter or her beautiful son... it is just how much nicer it would of been to not make life that little bit harder.

He always proclaimed the cure for the flu was rum. I am an aggressive drunk on rum. I want to fight everyone and anyone. Give me rum and you have a problem for the night.

Anna (my second daughter) described Raymond's funeral and the goings on to me on the telephone. It was kind of funny - but also I felt a terrible wish I had of gone. Of them lighting his cigarettes and putting them in his burial plot for him, and staggering and crying...of stories and well wishes. Of her watching it and being a little scared and me telling her .. no this is just the way they will get over this and its all fine.

I have many things I want to write - just to think... about his death. Twice - not once twice.. Maybe three times really because when my Canadian girlfiend visited I had long ago left the little kids father and it was Ray who looked after her at Tom's house. Blah details. Ray came to Grafton to help us with our racehorses when the father of the rest of my children was sick. Twice he helped for free. Well ok - so you needed to have beer or some kind of booze. And occasionally he got hungry. Not very often and he was never fussy.

He had a wonderful temper. A temper I have never seen on any other human in my life. It just didnt exist. Sara or my kids would draw on the walls... and he would say "what a lovely picture". I would come home three days later with love bites on my neck and he would say... "I cant work the microwave" (I was a teenager.,...)

The story at Anna at home i will do as a seperate post....

Cute doggies

I found this on jellyfish's site. Cute huh?

The third and final...

Things go in three's? Firstly my Aunts.. one expected and one so horridly? And then last night my oldest daughter rang to tell us that her father had died. Ray had abused his body for too long I guess. Still 51 is so young to die.

Of course Sara was very upset...and her pain affected us. Last night's pain meant I had great plans for us all to head south to help Sara deal with all of this. Of course, this morning that is entirely impractical - and Anna can fly down to be with her sister for the coming week. Monday we will get what we can from school, pay for the airfare and send her down. Ray's body is being taken back to Jugiong...and it is rediculous for me to attend. (Especially considering how many times I have told him to... hmm well nevermind!)

After my Aunts funerals, my other Aunt had an operation on her HEART (for Atrial Fibrillation) and she is young and active and healthy ... and how positively horrid?

I blogged once before about how she amuses me... Am copying and pasting it again - linking to the original too.
Some stories are too good too waste
Just received an email from my Aunt Lola in Hobart. And it is too bloody good not too share. (Let's hope she doesnt insist I remove it) The red writing is hers... anything else is mine....


Hi NOB ..... Don't worry about this acronym I have just had the funniest experience (despite just being told I dont know who my father is !!!) definately don't worry about that she is one of us no matter how hard she protests ..... do you remember my red agapantha adventures. No - sometimes she forgets to share the fun stuff with me Well, I have a row of aggies agapanthus along the waterfront garden which look very nice because they stand up tall when flowering, with the backdrop of the water behind them. Well I sprayed one of the white ones with red paint ... gorgeous it was ... and I expected some bastard to come along and chop it off and steal it. Well, they've all dried out and are drooping now ( I should chop them back) ... I just looked out the window and there's this old lady down on hands and knees in the aggies and weeds.

At first I thought she's resuscitating someone and jumped up quite purturbed thinking I should ring an ambulance. I stared more closely on the way out from the balcony .... I thought then that maybe she's resuscitating a dog??? I hurried down and see that she's got a little trowel and digging in the aggies. I asked what she was doing and she answered "I just want a little cutting .... are these yours?? I thought they were wild". I said yes, and that they are very hard to keep alive down there in the freezing winds and salt spray, and that I need them in a big clump to protect each other. She kept digging furiously and saying "I just want a little piece" . I realized she was right where the "red" aggie was. I said that this one over here would be much easier to get ... and she said that she'd nearly got it now.

Then she looked like giving up. So I stepped up and said "here, give me a tug" (she was in her 70's) .... A N D ..... noticed a band of green wool tied to the base of the dead stalk. Up came the bulb ... I handed it to her and said "I hope you enjoy it" ..... and marched off quite angrily but bursting into laughter. She's going to nurture that fucking bulb, and all she'll ever get is a white agapantha (if it survived the battering she gave it).

Fancy the old bugger, marking the plant so that she could come back when it dries out and STEAL the fucking thing !!!!!!! Now, that was my only red one as far as she was concerned, and now she's stolen it !!! How incredible is that?? .... what an old devil .... aren't people amazing. I'm shocked. The same thing happened when a young girl who lives close by, noticed the red aggie and came rushing in to tell me about it. I told her what I'd done and she decided to "do" her mothers aggies and borrow my paint. They live out of town so she sprayed them on her next visit. Next thing a 4 wheel drive vehicle pulls up outside, and a guy jumps out with an axe ... chops the plant out of the ground and off he goes with it !!! Can you imagine all this excitement??? The madwoman next door, then decided to "do" a couple in her brother's drive, borrows the paint, and "does" two of his. He's got plastic bags over the flowers now so that the seeds will be caught and contained and he's taking them to the CSIRO. I am kinda hoping Lola cant get in any trouble for this? What have I started with my spray paint?? BUT wont that woman be disappointed when her's is white, and next year I'll spray the one next to that one ...... and she's got the wrong bulb !!!! .... what a joke !!!!!

That's all my excitement for this arvo .... cheers, Lola. p.s. the attached photo is the one I sprayed inside the yard ... I dont have a photo of the one down on the water. I'd better check and see if someone's stolen that one???

See - hardly seems the stuff someone with a faulty ticker would do huh? Anyrate - she is recovering nicely and galavanting about visiting and sightseeing - including Magnetic Island and friends with a catamaran.

My oldest daughter is heartbroken - and Anna is keen to be with her. Sara's 21st is in October - I planned not to go incase I killed Ray - however I guess it could be safe to change my plans now. (I doubt I will go actually... it is just such bad timing for us - and a party at a pub...Anna's exams, work etc? Distance sure can suck for family)

Anyhoo... no rest for the wicked I guess. Life has been strangely mad and hectic and JUST WRONG... but surely now it should all get better.

Oh - and the boat motor blew up (hmm gear thingo..and the repair shop said the new gear thingo was $800 - fifteen year motor..time to buy a new one) so I have a miserable man. And I thought this month I would buy me a new side by side fridge freezer... it just ISN'T going to happen. Anna has broken, lost or had stolen all her mobile phones so I had to buy her a new one today for the trip - of course amid promises she will repay me. Last week she joined soccer and had to be "suitably" outfitted for that.... after paying all that for her boots if she doesnt keep playing I will have to join up myself.

Rejections, reflections and fun people

I was rejected for the position I applied for yesterday. I kept checking email from 7.30 am to see what happened. I guess it is the best woman wins... and... that is the way the cookie crumbles. I can't say I am not disappointed... sometimes surely volunteer work should count for SOMETHING... but it doesn't and I should not expect it too - otherwise I simply shouldn't do it.

This week at work I have been working with a woman (H) who is FUN to work with. She has many amusing stories and is easy to converse with. H managed to make something I thought would floor me.... into something amusing. I love honest women who will tell stories even if the story has no intention of "big-noting" themselves. H told me stories that made me feel better.

And you know what? I will volunteer still any time the centre needs me... EXCEPTING for anything to do with that particular program. Pretty pathetic huh? Another candidate had worked in health (what have I been working in badhealth? Smart ass I meant my day life not my... wonder what happens when i smoke too much, drink as much as possible, think turkey thigh fat is the most delicious thing on earth and can survive on coffee for days in a row and think drinking cream straight from a carton is perfectly acceptable!) and the successful candidate is studying health promotion.

I expected Christian to be cranky. He always HATES me volunteering... and I guess I led him on with - it could lead to a job. He managed to not say "I told you so" (and no I wasnt holding any dangerous type objects in my hand at the time).

H seems to think my hours will pick up now everyone is getting used to me. And let's face it an engineering firm doesn't have the "stranger" elements of the general public. I am the most stupid person in the office..... that is a good thing.

Back later... I so shouldnt open so many programs at once. Bad habits.

Failing? Nah just.. adjusting

I am still smoking about ten cigarettes a day. I still think 40 to ten is good. And occasionally I haven't resisted the urge to imbibe. Thursday night I was upset with Anna and afraid I would not sleep for the 8am start at work. So I drank port and white wine and slept heavily - and duly punished with Friday morning - yes being awake and ready to work - but my face badly broken out in the terrible rash. I decided that the boxes of drugs the doctor gave me had alcohol avoiding warnings.. so I avoided taking the pills instead. Sigh.

Yesterday M arrived with nibblies that just paired too well with red wine (buggar my vegetable juice)and with a bottle shop just a run across the road away..... but hell it was nice and we had some great laughs.

I have a job interview Monday evening after work at Women's Health. It is a position wherein I would only work 22 hours a week - but would have the certainty of KNOWING what days/times I work for a couple of years. This suits a creature of habit (usually all the bad ones) like me... I hate not knowing what days I have to work. But of course there is always the dreaded INTERVIEW to botch up. I am so good at doing THAT! I would like the job because I prefer work within the community rather than for a huge engineering company.... and this is for young mothers. Well - I was a mother at 17 and my daughter too was a mother at 17 (much to my... angst/frustration/tears/pleadings and ultimate... resignation) I know EXACTLY how intimidating it can be trying to attend Breastfeeding mothers meetings... and sitting in the carpark looking at other somewhat older mums getting out of their brand new four wheel drives, assembling their fantastic baby crap and deciding instead to go back home and maybe sing out to the neighbour over the back fence and ask HER ADVICE.. rather than endure any.... real or absolute bullshit insecurity embarrassment/humiliation.

Yes - I know stay where I am and maybe it will lead to more money - lots of money greater things - but I guess the sad thing is that that doesnt seem to attract me all that much anymore. (When did I lose all my ambition? I don't know that answer either?) Who knows? And .. my path will... be chosen somehow. I would just like to keep being here for Anna and William - Jane is so much more content now at boarding school...

In the past 7 months Anna has had some big changes in her life. Her first job - the money and freedom that brings (I have been so proud of her...) and her first real boyfriend. (We like him lots - DONT TELL HER THAT!) But she has also gone from being an almost straight VHA (Very High Achievement) student to a SA (Satisfactory Achievement) student. Her behaviour hasnt changed - she still tortures her teachers - she CANNOT stay quiet if she thinks an injustice has been done and she will tell adults she thinks they are wankers (I am probably at fault there.. I should of stopped her yelling at adults when she was three - it was just so damn FUNNY when she was three?)... just the marks. But - the changes have meant that she gets home from school.. works for three or four hours, then entertains the boyfriend till about 10 pm..... and of course there is no time for study. In the past when she always got me to proof read assignments... nowdays I only see some.. and that is at 8.30 am and we have 10 minutes before we drive to school.

My little princess has also taken to constantly indicating we are beneath her standards.... can't possibly have friends over here because the house is too daggy,my wonderful sorting of messes are embarrassing, and no one else she knows decides to strip ten layers of paint off something in the living room for 6 weeks! She cant possibly let boyfriend or girlfriends talk to us because we are embarrassing and I accidently repeat stories that I think are really very funny.... and if she is picked up from school in the ford its a major problem because the state of the car (and worse when the dogs have come along for the ride) is utterly humiliating...."why cant we just have normal looking dogs like everyone else?" type stuff? So we had a big fight Thursday - both of us cried... me probably more (alcohol excited - you should see the two of us watching anything Disney... man are we criers) and I am still riding her butt about her grades. Now - to me this picture is funny. It is Dotti the wonderdog completely asleep on the dining chair. (Don't worry I finally hoiked that table out the front today - I so miss mine - there is just no way it can fit in this house.)

The thing I never learn about my puppies.. is that only dogs of small breeds should be encouraged to sit on laps or furniture. Large dogs do not ever seem to understand that they have grown and should no longer drape themselves on furniture humans inhabit. My dogs still want to sit on EVERYONES laps... any chair, sofa or bed. You would think she would be uncomfortable hey?

I was most offended when Anna knocked the dogs and queried why I never bring home a pure bred dog. I think I have a reason for that. I had a step father who on two occasions bought home purebred dogs thinking this would make him look good. He really did. It wasnt the dog that amused him.. it was the fact the dog was expensive looking and that would make him look good. My Mum likes animals - but I dont think she has ever had a permanent relationship with anything. She is very gifted as an artist. She can make almost anything look beautiful. I never understood why she didnt stand up for the dogs - I do now... hindsight is such a bastard!

And naturally I loved the dogs dearly. One puked in his damlier (matter of fact so did I and I didnt last all that long either hahaha) and the other... I think I just annoyed him with my devotion to it... and both dogs were sent....... to.. other ends.. I look in my dogs eyes and I think they are beautiful. Rocky is a spoilt nasty little bully boy who couldnt fight to save his life. A warmonger who couldn't fight to save his life and will faint at the sight of blood. He would send you to your death in battle though. Dotti is deaf... completely and utterly deaf. If she cannot see you she cannot understand you and if you dont think.. she will mistake what you think you meant to tell her. She chases the garbage truck for stealing her crap (Dotti loves the contents of a garbage bin and she IS well fed) and its one hell of an ordeal to get her back home. She is way more social than Rocky - she doesn't mind a good play with other dogs but under Rockys influence she wont.. she would rather fight with him. I take her out alone and she is lovely with her interaction with other dogs. (I am not meant to have the dogs in my car so that is yet another secret - dogs are only allowed in the ford) Put them together and they just want to fight every dog.Any dog. Except bigger ones than Rocky. THEN he behaves.

So - I havent beaten my addictions. Except coffee. Christian, Anna and William keep me .. saner. For Jane I want to beat at least another one before next holidays. I cannot keep telling her what she should do if I can set some example. Musing on how nice it would be if she were home tonight. She is the only kid I had that doesnt wriggle to sleep with. Ah well! And tomorrow I have boring stuff... blah.... maybe I will sneak out for a while!

(Thank you Rox. xxx)

What Latin American Country should you visit quiz

You Should Visit Brazil

If you're looking for an extreme yet chill vacation, Brazil is perfect for you. Go wild at Carnaval, get lost in the Amazon, and relax checking out the beautiful people on the beach.

What Latin American Country Should You Visit?

Ok - so last night I had a minor setback.

Yeppers - I drank about 6 cans of scotch and dry and 3 glasses of wine and fell into a wonderful deep sleep wherein neither Christian or the dog could make me move over. Dreamless wonderful sleep. You can call it camatose drunk or passed out or whatever. For me it was just wonderful. And really it has been years since so little wine can make me pass out so quickly. I also smoked about 13 cigarettes yesterday too. And today I had a headache and cough that wouldn't budge.

When I woke up my chest was as horrid as the days before I decided to quit. One lousy setback in almost two weeks and INSTANT return of the bad stuff. Worse - my face.

I get a terrible eczema on my face if I am stressed. On my FACE... so the whole world can see. Now if I got it somewhere that could be normally hidden I wouldnt be so pissed off at it. The week IMMEDIATELY after the nicotine patches, abstinence from alcohol and coffee... my face broke out horrifically. I was like the red lizard lady. If a circus had of been in town they probably would of employed me. And then Sunday - my skin was the best it had been in years. Wonderful - thought I. Then I woke this morning and there it was in all its red and scaley glory. I suspect it could be the preservatives in the wine.

Righto - so getting drunk and passing out isn't the solution. So I went to the local doctors. The GP (a pleasant enough Indian man - who somehow managed to tell me he has never had and addiction in his life - I refrained from calling him nasty names) noticed I suffer from "anxiety". No shit sherlock - I just told you I was giving up all three of my addictions. He said.. I don't know if it is wise for you to give up all three at once. I tried to explain that I don't know how to have one without another. (The amount of times I have poured scotch into my coffees so noone would notice?) Sheesh. He also told me he suffered from anxiety when he was a young man and yoga helped that. Righto - I will give that a go too then. (Almost everyone I know who does Yoga I have at least once thought - you are a fruitloop. Sigh)

Remember (or imagine) when you are raising toddlers. And you are nonstop distracting them.. say in the garden and they want to eat a slug... and you have to distract them with something else..and then of course they find a snail or a worm... and also want to taste them.. and you gently remove slimy creature and show them the flower.. which they also want to taste? and then you try the swings? Non stop distracting toddler from revolting stuff because who the hell would have the energy to yell at them every time for doing it (and frankly when they do eat one.. it isn't that big of a deal.All my kids did manage at least one revolting thing.) Distract and perservere with more appropriate suggestions.You know - the old smear the cot and wall with the faeces routine.. it means you need more toys in the cot. The old .. examine one's genitals when in the pram at the mall or bank managers office - you distract with more toys in the pram and more difficult apparel to get into. I AM THE TWO YEAR OLD. But there is no one to distract me - I have to distract myself.

Me addict - I want a smoke.

Me distracter - No you want a nice long walk.

Me addict - I would like a drink BEFORE THE NICE LONG WALK

Me distracter - Yes - you would love a vegetable juice that claims to have antioxidants and lots of healthy things in it.

Me addict - I hate you, I hate life, I hate vegetable juice, everything is evil and picking on me... and I want something bad and evil and I want it now. (insert stamping tantrum and expletives here... possibly even throwing something too)

Me distracter - let's find your walking shoes.

Me addict - what is in it for me?

Me distracter - well the nice long walk will make you tired and have a nice sleep tonight.

Me addict - lying adult no fun bastards.

See - it is exactly the same as dealing with toddlers. Exactly!

The lack of sleep is what makes me so irritable and unreasonable. So - the Doctor prescribed me something (Zamhexal- oh I asked the chemist for the cheap alternative - I always do) for "anxiety" that he thinks will help and I wont get addicted too. And something for my face. When I already told him... after ten days of no booze my face had completely cleared up. I bought them both anyways. I have smoked about 8 cigarettes today ..... tomorrow is another day. To me... eight from 40 is a wonderful achievement. Both packets of tablets say "may cause drowsiness". I bloody hope so.

Some pictures from the weekend

Christian and his boss had a small job on local Witt Island this weekend. The owner of the island certainly has views and peace and quiet. It is the only home on the island.
Saturday was overcast and mild drizzle... and the owner and his mate had said they would continue the care of the slab. Neither Christian or his boss envied them that task.




And then it was back on the barge home.Some more pictures of the island views. I could happily laze there and read books. Sigh.

Quiz on what religion are you. My rating.

You scored as agnosticism. You are an agnostic. Though it is generally taken that agnostics neither believe nor disbelieve in God, it is possible to be a theist or atheist in addition to an agnostic. Agnostics don't believe it is possible to prove the existence of God (nor lack thereof). Agnosticism is a philosophy that God's existence cannot be proven. Some say it is possible to be agnostic and follow a religion; however, one cannot be a devout believer if he or she does not truly believe. agnosticism 88% Satanism 83% atheism 75% Islam 71% Buddhism 71% Paganism 67% Judaism 46% Christianity 38% Hinduism 33% Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

Nicked this from Boysenberry - A quiet life in the Burbs.

The depravity of addicts - second failure day

Thank heck I was never interested in illegal drugs. My love of tobacco is just so bloody awful. I thought I was going really well for the first few days. Three cigarettes in one day for me! Then - a couple of slip ups and.. maybe 5-7 cigarettes? And I would tell myself... that isn't all bad? From 40 to seven! Marvellous well done. Or the errant family member who says "Mum, naughty naughty!" when I do smoke - and doesn't know how close to violence they have just encouraged me.

I learnt very quickly that there are "triggers" to my smoking. I smoke alot around certain people. And I realised that I use the cigarette as a barrier.. because I don't feel comfortable with them and the cigarette gives me time to carefully chose my words. People that have different opinions to social/political matters then I do. I use the cigarette to carefully think... be quiet.... say nothing. (Past fortnight I have found it much easier to simply HIDE from said people) I learnt some people I smoke with for the simple.. sharing of a pleasure. Boredom entices me to smoke. Habits definately are the largest part. The alcoholic beverage or the caffeine.... that is a habit. Anything stressful tends to make me reach for the cigarettes.

Oh - the caffeine headache lasted two days. I absolutely kid you not. It did not let up. I took about 12 panadols until I threw them out in disgust too... figuring they could probably end up my next addiction.

It is the lack of sleep that is most horrendous. And I guess my addictive behaviour really took hold (it was there before this) when I went through my sleep deprivation motherhood years. When my son was at home he was almost always connected to an apneo moniter that would scream this horrible siren when William had forgotten to breath for over 20 seconds. The main problem was basically he had a floppy larynx and lazy brain that wouldn't tell his body to fix it. It was a good thing actually the problem with his throat (that he simply grew into). As he breathed he would make this "whhoppp whooppp" sound. And it was so noisy that really I didn't need the machine. I could be with the girls downstairs in the pool and still hear when the quiet came. He spent a great time of time at the wonderful Royal Brisbane Childrens Hospital and we donated heaps of time and research to the SIDS clinic at the Mater Hospital. I taught myself to drink myself to sleep. I also always managed to wake when the damn sound stopped. My mother-in-law used to call it "the dripping tap". But many late nights we both agreed we were greatful for "the dripping tap." Never did the siren go off without me or Margaret being there first.

I am just so unbelievably tired. I have been deliberately walking long walks and taking the dogs for runs and exercising to tire me out. I have re- read all Colleen McCullough's Rome series. I read another Jill Manswell and the Ozzy Osbourne biography "Ozzie knows best" by Chris Nickson. Usually mind numbing silliness amuses me. I can't read anything that doesn't make me concentrate because.... if I am not concentrating I am thinking about cigarettes.

I can't sit at the computer for long times because it is another trigger to smoke.

I haven't ever realised how.. I avoid my partners moods or idiosyncracies with the protection of alcohol or cigarettes before. Don't get me wrong I do love him. But he is a bad tempered sod who advocates vicious diatribe I would never ever believe in or endorse....(he would be BETTER OFF IF HE FELL IN LOVE WITH MY GIRLFRIEND I AM HIDING FROM... and I have so been in this place before) And they are not his beliefs.. they are the beliefs of the people he works with. Yet he swears like a trooper (sorry to all troopers I have never met one really) when he is with them and shocks me... if I say Buggar he is alarmed - if i say c*nt he protects himself.

How much fun it is to walk with Anna on the beach at midnight. (Or how many times my dogs can crap! late at night!) How many nasty comments that happen to me all the time.. but normally I ride over them but without my beloved vices they cut raw? I normally don't notice the acid comments and jibes about me being home all day and doing nothing when there is a three or two at worst course dinner.

I guess I always just protect myself and mine. I can blow things out of proportion. (Christian is working afternoon shift today... I am happy to drink the scotch and smoke the cigarettes I stashed) And how my... methods of avoiding any problems we have are .. so scarey without them when I realise I live with and have loved someone who doesnt have my beliefs AT ALL? I don't believe in no refugees. I certainly don't believe in children in detention. I don't believe our authorities would willingly allow us to eat modifyed genetic food that can harm us. I didn't believe police were bad before I met him. (OK now I do - I find my circumstances hard to forgive them... they didn't need to enter a bathroom with a naked 11 year old twice.. but there is another side.. the side that had I never fell in love with Christian this would never of happened to me?) How I am always always terrified of his driving. You can take the boy out of Woodridge... but you cannot take the Woodridge out of the boy. And I had no business playing with him in the first place.

The martyrdom is amazing. Because he felt he was treated (and he was) badly as a kid he cannot imagine why I argue that my kids cannot be treated the same way. I guess I am that callous. Just because he was treated cruelly doesnt mean my kids cant be picked up and delivered to school/sport/travel/whatever. Normally I dont fight.. I just drink... and do what I want to the next day. I almost never get hangovers so it works fine. It isnt working too fine this past two weeks. And I dont have the cigarette to let me have those valuable seconds that dont say something nasty.

Ahh I don't like me all that much without my addictions either. My cigarettes allow me time to think and say nothing. My booze allows me to not feel fear when he yells. I have seen my girlfriends get upset and worried about me.. and I am not worried.. I have had enough booze to not be scared...i could quite easily beat a tiger, lion or bear. At least daily Christian has said to me... "for fucks sake just smoke". I walk away thinking "thanks for your support.. its always been brilliant". Why do people harm each other like this?

I feel like I am swaying on some stupid tree I so shouldnt of climbed up in the first place. And I agree with every nasty comment.. he so shouldn't have no money for new lights on the boat (he so shouldnt of spent our last weekly budget on his rotten car he kills daily) - he works hard. But he took on a woman with three kids. He should of at least had some brains with the other women. Four kids with school holidays and man werent they a killer! But now I am suffering fear of heights. I cant cope with no sleep... it is just too cruel. We all suffer from our own behaviour. And there is no help for you if you establish behaviours that are detrimental. I am just too tired and I don't know what to do next. I have to stay still for Anna for another two years. I don't want to stay still. I am mad as hell I have to give up my cigarettes and my wine or spirits... I am mad as hell I am expected to be used to being yelled at... I am mad as hell imbiciles have jobs and I usually am underemployed. I am mad as hell I cant smoke inbetween these things. Anna still says "poor Dad?" My goodness he paid $10 a fortnight for these kids for four years? And POOR DAD.

Well tomorrow I might try the not smoking/drinking thing again. Or not.

The stupidity of smoking cigarettes part 1

Approaching my 38th birthday I was wrangling with my stupid behaviour of cigarette smoking. Notwithstanding the fact I have in recent months developed the crusty horrific cough of a smoker as an after effect of what should have been a simple case of the flue. I remember looking at ANCIENT (my age now) hard drinking, harder living women in the small town I grew up in thinking what bloody idiots are they. Not only was I doing the same thing, but to aid my ghastly cough when smoking I was gulping down cough syrups and swigging on water all day – especially before and during smoking. And at places of work or where some form or decorum was necessary I was HIDING THE COUGH SYRUP and not the cigarettes? Add the lozenges I sucked on, the times I have soaked my fingers in bleach to remove the yellow stains, spraying my hair with perfume cause I don’t have time to wash the smell out and what I have subjected my teeth to in order to get rid of the stains – which the dentist says quite bluntly –JUST STOP SMOKING. Nah not me. I go pay him a couple of hundred dollars to get the stains off instead. Or make myself puke with vinegar and bi carb soda and scrub until I am satisfied.

I was smoking up to 40 cigarettes a day. I answered the quit coach guide online and said I was smoking 30. (It is poetic license … not an out an out lie. SOMEDAYS I PASSED OUT DRUNK AND DIDN’T GET TO SMOKE THE WHOLE PACKET HONESTLY) That wretched thing came back and told me I was spending $85 a week on my addiction. Noice hey? $4 k a year on stuff I smoke and cough like an old hag over.

So, somewhere in the folds that I call sanity I decided that this is my year to quit. I hadn’t really discussed it with anyone – it had just been a long discussion with myself. We talk a lot me and I. Just such a dreadful shame we disagree with each other so often!

Wednesday morning was my birthday and I fully anticipated a sleep in, a late breakfast with my two youngest daughters, (William being away) shopping and then cooking for friends for wine and nibblies. I had smoked my head off and drank two bottles of wine on Tuesday night. So of course at 9am work rang and said can you get in here ASAP. BLAH! I drank two cups of coffee and smoked 7 cigarettes in 20 minutes while dressing suitably and putting on makeup.

Anna (daughter No.2) wonderfully took control of catering for wine and nibblies – which is a fairly common occurrence in this house anyway – but she outshone herself. Jane (daughter no 3) wasted her last ten bucks buying me a beautiful thoughtful present. Anna went overboard and spent way too much money – her newly gained appreciation of work and money has somehow been .. Misappropriated in direction. Pleased though I am at her generosity it is misdirected at me!



M and K arrived in full birthday mode – gifts and more wine! And when I announced my plans to go on the nicotine patches in the morning both were suitably supportive with my plans. We enjoyed our food and wine and giggles. And then they went home to their families. Christian soon passed out. And Anna had unfortunately chosen that night of all nights to conduct a sleep over with two girlfriends …… and I spent a little time crying to myself as I heard them have fun while I sat alone. Contemplating my misery at giving up my beloved white smoking thing that has kept me and I company for so long.

I am going to post this now because Blogger keeps mucking me up and losing things.. or is that me? Nevermind.

Unfinished projects, envy! and just plain messes

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Ahh the green eyed monster huh?

WELL - I was looking through Elsewhere's blog and admiring the dresser she has purchased already completed.. and yep I felt a pang right there. For about 9 weeks my kitchen has had a dresser being restored in situation - hence much dust and mayhem... absolutely no room to get into anything. I didn't remember to take a before picture. I never remember important things like that. But we found it in a shed... and the owner said I could have it. Our house is WAY TOO SMALL for us. I am getting around to moving. Maybe once I finish the projects I started. Anyways - especially Christian has laboured over the dresser..... to come to almost completion...and now we have hit a problem. The hinges and handles. I cant find similar ones anywhere in town. And I think the old ones are beyond restoration. So - the too big ANYWAY dresser crowds the house as we fill it with UTTER RUBBISH AND JUNK... household stuff that should be elsewhere. (Oh.. no pun intended! She seems to live an uncluttered life) It sadly awaits the return of the doors and glass. Sigh. I have furntiture stored at a girlfriends house. I had to dismantle my beloved dining table so as to fit the second sofa into this house. I miss that table so much! (Or do I just miss the times we had around it? A big table is a must for food family and friends. Anyway - it is going to be wonderful when I figure out the hinges/latches problem. Just as beautiful as Elsewhere's. Honestly.

And I couldn't resist my envy at Cazzie's bus. What a wonderful idea/project huh?

When the kids were little Christian and I used to do heaps of boating, camping and fishing. And we all loved it - our weekend escapes and adventures. Until the kids reached an age when they decided that it was very "uncool" to hang with us - and the weekends of soccer, cheerleading, sleep overs, work,school functions etc all took over. One such weekend we were stuck at home... bored.. and our boats motor had been mucking up.... and a stranger approached and offered us .. i think it was $500 or $600 for our boat (we had sold the trailer previously)... and we took the money thinking ... we never use it anymore ANYWAY... the motor is about to blow up and...the money showed promise of gluttony, waste and better quality alcohol for the weekend.....

And for two years after we regretted selling our beloved (very very thin hulled little) boat. This year Christian has bought TWO. This week we could make it THREE. Sigh.

Christian manages to put both boats into the single carport. Yep - our cars have no protection whatsoever. I think he competes with me with the messes in the yard... as to how much old junky furntiture I drag home and cannot fit in the house.

You cant move in our house because of furniture. The built in wardrobes have wardrobes and cupboards INSIDE of them. Here is a picture of my beloved big table that is now in the damn wardrobe Ahhh I miss all of us fitting around it so well and all the food I could laden the table with.....

Anyway - there you go. Today I have felt a horrid envy of two bloggers that I love to read. And yes - you are right.. I so shouldnt let the dogs sit at the table. More on the good manners of dogs later. Cheerio!

I give up - we are simply horrible

Gretel said............. "Today, and presumably for the remainder of the week, you may be inundated with exaggerated ill-informed stories in the media which do nothing but perpetuate ignorance and hurt those involved," she said.

"Ashley and John were fantastic housemates, bringing joy not only to their fellow housemates but to Australia as a whole, and we're very sorry that one foolish incident on their behalf has led to them leaving."

I so hope the girls and I are wrong at the "incident". I said to Anna and Jane.. well I personally think slapping anyone in the face with your genitals without consent is very very bad. We are so horrid we roared laughing at this comment. I mean it. ROARED. The three of us made slapping noises and yelled and wooted. We could of made more noise than what my son made as he watched the Socceroos. I was just reading all the boring comments from politicians........and youch for us it was like the cleaning of the lungs because we all laughed so hard? (I love Gretel but her aforementioned comment was so INSIPID?) I smoke cigarettes.. (very unpopular at the moment) and the girls had to stop fearful they had induced me into a coughing fit I wouldnt come out of. My girls are HIDEOUSLY FUNNY! We couldnt stop laughing and making slap noises.

We really are DREADFUL! I would be furious of course if any male......... turkey slapped? my girls? Without their consent. And part of me knew that being the mother I should not laugh. At all. Anna and I together shouted down Jane's excuse the boys were "hot". I tried in vain to tell Jane that "if" these boys had stuck their genitals were they were not wanted that this was actually a crime. It made the whole situation worse and we were all laughing again? We really are horrid?

Anna had to remind me to breathe. And all of us have hated Big Brother this year. The girls rush off to watch... oh either Home and Away or neighbours... I dont allow either on the tv in the living room or on mine. (Actually mine doesnt work anymore I have no idea what happened? I plugged a laptop into the outlet and now.. nothing?" But tonight we watched BB. As Gretel made her speech.. we roared. "Oh yeah baby such nice blokes take them home to YOUR DAUGHTER!" I might even watch Big Brother now too.

Did you see how our useless pollies SUDDENLY FOUND SOMETHING TO SAY? Get rid of BB they say.... where is the list of pollies who said it? And of course all the family lunatics. It was a wonderful thing for my daughters and me. Laughing is SO SO GOOD FOR YOU. THE THREE OF US LAUGHING? It was hilariously funny. Roaring at William dont stick your wonker out to amuse the girls? Him "ewwwiinnnggggggg" ? You cant pay for moments like that.Us girls slapping each other at the train station most of the time pretending we saw mosquitos? It was funny. We slapped.. and then we said... bugs? Until someone mentioned turkeys. Then we all laughed again. They cant solve health issues for our elderly - cleaning a ceiling fan becomes an act of impossibility...they can make gross mistakes and never ever apologise...but look at the ones today who managed on a SUNDAY.. to say bann BB. I found my girls too funny and amusing and I didnt pay attention. I still have no qualms cleaning ceiling fans. Rediculousness goes on. But I will pay no part.

Lazy funny Sundays

Christian left fishing early this morning - and I asssumed he would return for me at some stage. He didnt. He was catching fish and left me at home ALL DAY. So the kids and I had a forced day together that was somehow hilariously funny and I so hope I can remember all the funny bits.


Any puritan type readers... best you link to the next blog. My girls shock me sometimes. And that is saying something.

The tv is almost always on but no one pays attention to it. The noise of the tv is simply a diversion in our lives. I can crave silence but when I get it ,... it always confuses me. Channel ten reports that Big Brother has taken two house mates out due to a sexual assualt. This catches our attention. (Sad arent we?)

Only Jane has been following Big Brother this year. Normally I love it. Anyhow... Anna finds a site that says that housemate Camilla has been "turkey slapped" and I say.,....


Me - say what?

Anna - turkey slapped ... for heavens sake mum you DO KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS DONT YOU

Me - well i am imagining...

Jane - which housemates?

Anna - tells her - i already forget...

Jane - I LOVE....

Anna and Me in unison - Jane just dont SPEAK .... GAWD.....

Anna and I roll on the floor for a while laughing.

Jane - what are you two fools laughing about.

Us - we thought you were going to say you liked to be turkey slapped.

Jane AND WILLIAM - what is turkey slapped? (FFs I didnt really know until Anna made "gestures" to me to explain it!)

Anna - Mum you are SO NEVER GOING TO GET A BLUE CARD!

AND WORSE... my first thoughts were I love Inghams turkey thigh roasts? I really do. They are just the nicest things to eat?

I will be so glad when the flu leaves me and I dont have extra snot when laughing.

I have been nagging the girls to read more variety .. i get annoyed at the rereading of Harry Potter over and over again. So Jane got this DREADFUL book at the library..and I read it today because she claimed it was wonderful. It was sad and horrid.It was "the Jarrow Lass" by Janet Macleood Trotter. It doesnt take me very long to read a novel. That infuriates the girls.... but the book was sad and ghastly and mean? And it made my baby cry?

William caught the train to his fathers today for the very first time. Nothing is ever meant to run.. smoothly? in our life so we managed to book him onto carriage L -the carriage that doesnt fit on the Gladstone station. William is somewhat ... hmm...smaller than his age... so he looked rediculous pushing past nine hundred ( I exaggerate somewhat) smokers trying to disembark to get to his seat. He has been waiting for today for a long time. Ever since Sara was allowed to travel unaccompanied minor on airplanes William has dreamed of his chance. Today he got it. To a teary mother and a wailing crying older sister... and a bemused Jane. DO NOT GET THE L CARRIAGE IN GLADSTONE.. IT DOESNT FIT ON THE PLATFORM.Anna actually wailed. It was just he looked so small. We stayed on the phone till Tom said he was safe and sound. We really are demented.

It is probably nice William is interested in his father suddenly. I have this terrible feeling he just wants to experience the travel his sisters have? I do worry I have annoyed him too. Tom has never done anything for the kids. But I have always advocated they should love their dad. So I Guess I am just being mean. I have no right to say tom hasnt done anything for the kids either because I have no idea what he has been doing. I just know he doesnt pay maintenence and if he is given the opportunity he tells me how much he struggles to pay Janes boarding school fees. For two years. Outa 16 nearly. Same sentence he cant help brag to me the prizemoney he won last year. I guess i am being ghastly. I am not angry at him. I am angry at me. Jane is happy now with being at boarding school. Maybe I just want to fight with someone.

If Jane tells me one more story about how easy it is to escape from boarding school I will probably lose it.

Not that I ever had it.

Funnies

This is a damn funny blog!

Weekends fishing

The weather is just perfect for our meandering through the local estuaries in our tiny (somewhat leaky) tin boat. Our dog Rocky loves to be with us - but he really is nervous about the whole water thing. He tried to just sleep on the bottom of the boat.. but it leaked and he was most upset that he got a wet bum. He spent the rest of the journey on higher ground - the middle seat. If you take Rocky fishing you have to be extra careful at standing up. He has no idea that he is upsetting the balance. He just cares that there is water on his hind. He would be happier if he stayed home. He really doesnt feel safe on the water.

We bought both green prawns as bait and cooked prawns to snack on for the journey... and enjoyed them on our travels with some sauce. Dip your hand over the side of the boat to wash them.... Christian caught a dozen fish... all undersized except one grunter... and I soon bored because I only caught ONE tiddler....and began not wanting to share the green prawns as I imagined what I would cook for tonights dinner. It is a lovely way to waste an afternoon. The sun set on Mt Larcom as we drove the boat home... and the grunter and the green prawns became the base for the seafood chowder I cooked on our return home.

And - we will probably go fishing again tomorrow. Simple pleasures for simple people I guess? We admire the fishing birds. It is just nice when we are alone drifting and playing? Softly talking and planning. Wondering and musing. Time for healing sadnesses.