The One that Got Away!

This cod was found dead in the marina last week. Not a mark on it and it apparantly simply died of old age. Love the size of the mouth? (The bad Mel thinks immediately - my death wont be from marauding sharks - no it would be just my luck to be swallowed hole by the damn thing I AM TRYING TO CATCH.)

It was front page of our local paper "The Observer" last week. Pretty cool huh? That would sink our little tinnies!

I suspect I am being an imposter!

This morning - we all overslept. Anna woke me exactly 15 minutes before I had to be at work. There are positives about living in small cities. There are bad things about dressing in a hurry in a dark room. The shirt I had pulled on's colour had faded and looked like I was wearing a bib or a very large drool mark. Thankfully I was only there till 12.30.

I used my "I am awake" face (that I use when I am asleep) and it served me very well. Occasionally I nodded wisely too. I am very grateful that I will never have to use Autocad beyond making it into a pdf, printing, binding or emailing the sucker. Very very grateful. I am almost positive no one heard me snoring. I decided full on erotic daydreams was perfectly acceptable at the bit about using logarithms in Excel.

I kind of understand maths could excite some people. Twenty years ago when I was doing my HSC I battled logarithms. For the life of me I couldnt understand it until a nice tutor told me I was trying to measure the inside of a snail shell. Any other description from any other tutor, teacher or peer could not and would not let me do those bastards. Stuff about atomic mushrooms etc ring a bell but .. NOPE I understood NOTHING. All I wanted to do was pass Maths.

I knew right then when I finally understood WHAT I was trying to do... that there was absolutely no need EVER for me to have to retain that. Never since nor in the future am I going to want to do that. But if you want to do it - that is all fine and well - I will print the sucker out and dispense with it however you see fit. If you like I will add the company logo, page numbers and make a pretty border for you. I have an admiration for people who can do that shit - but no desire too ever do it myself. (Generally I always stamp on snails nowdays too.)

Yep - in hindsight it is a bloody wonder I passed my HSC at all.

I wonder if the engineers think I do understand? Surely NOT! Or worse - that they think when they catch me looking at the maps and graphs I can understand what they are doing with them - I am not I am just trying to find creeks, canals and sandbanks I havent explored yet. Maybe I should just stop doing that incase anyone clicks that I really haven't even the foggiest.

Nevermind - no one has ever complained about my documents, data entry or binding - YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Second Princess is home again

Anna's priceless phone call home to Mummy was this one.

Anna - Mummy!

Me - Yes Anna? How are you?

Anna - Its FREEZING COLD and Mummy you will never guess WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me - THINKING - Which relative/friend has been off his or her tits drunk and dobbed me in for something stupid I did at her age when I was just as beautiful? (She is smarter than me thankfully)

Me - talking - err.. what darling?

Anna - Today I saw "baby lambs" in the WILD.

Me - snort/snot/laugh/ sniffle/snot hahahahahahahhahahahahaha

Anna - Mum.. stop it

Me - snort/snot/laugh/ sniffle/snot hahahahahahahhahahahaha

Anna - Well I have never seen lambs before in the wild - I only saw them at Daycare*
or at the mall out of the "Old MacDonald's Farm trailers before"!

Me - Hahahaha you mean you saw lambs with their mothers in the paddocks.

Anna - You arent paying attention Mum - it is COLD here.

Me - snort/snot/laugh/ sniffle/snot hahahahahahahhahahahaha

Anna - Stop it Mummy - be sensible

Me - I am being sensible darling .. ok and what else have you seen?

Anna - Everyone here has BEAUTIFUL FIRE PLACES.

Me - No crap Anna - should I not buy the new freezer and get a nice brass fireplace?

Anna- Heck yes Mummy - they are so pretty we have done marshmellows every night!



Ok - Me - I give up we have spoilt this kid letting her live in our wonderful weather. Keep your frost/sleet/snow/fog and wild lambs. I ... like to whinge it is too hot.



(Coopers Plains Day Care Centre was the best ever child care centre... second only to Samford Family daycare and YMCA at Acacia Ridge should rot in hell) and

Anna does the cold

I sent Anna to her older sisters father's funeral. (Dont correct my apostrophes ffs) It wasnt just the cold. My new job, Anna never being there.. the chance to meet my family (which didnt happen)

Apparantly Sara has a very nice new boyfriend called Chris. The DAY Anna and I were mucking around in Rockhampton ............... Ok... I figure in Rockhampton no one really knows I am a peasant. So i was jumping around at CAPTAIN SNOOZE trying the beds. Anna suffers from old habits die hard. I spent 15 years smacking her and her siblings for jumping on furniture... now she just WILL NOT DO IT. Big ugly salespeople have to lie next to me to see how a bed I cannot afford will feel. Anyway I am mucking around on .. like the worlds greatest most expensive bed while Anna is begging me to stop.. and who is there.... SARA'S BF FROM her brief... (miss a few words here in case she reads them) visit from hell. He is a nice boy and he showed me the budget beds,,, afterwards. He has a new tinney. He was so nice. It was so awful to get busted jumping on furniture again.

Oh oh.. this all makes no sense.

Not a lot makes sense to me.

Oh .. and Cassie and M tell me stories about rapid heart beating. I wrote a heap back.... and lost it all.

Goodbye Raymond

Funny few weeks really. Since my oldest daughter's distraught phone call telling me of her father's death... till now... how life just keeps on going even when there are moments you would really like to say "Just wait.. I will catch up shortly?" My oldest daughter has my ability to shriek... and I remember her shrieking at me that the person she loved most might die at any time. And he did. He simply did. I guess I was hurt because I always wanted her to love me. But from the tiniest of baby - she always liked him more than me. I think it was because he was so... relaxed always. He didnt worry about bills, or lack of.. material things or anything. He smoked heavily and drank rediculously - but he never seemed to fret about those things either.

I spent the last five plus years furious at Ray and I may have said a few things that right now I wish I could take back. He just never stood up to anyone and never worried about what would happen. Maybe he is the lucky one. The best he could ever do to me... and he did it often enough.. was to drunkenly sway his head side to side and look at me crosseyed..and say "You are a bitch - but I love ya"

He loved everyone really. A million stories and a million good things. And really only the fact that not only did he impregnate me as a teenager and make my struggle a little harder... that he did it again to my daughter (Not incest you sick mind - he allowed her to run away from where she was meant to be and sleep with limp-dick hand whose name thankfully almost always escapes me. My daughter took said incredibly exciting sexy boyfriend... doesn't history repeat itself! to Daddy who said dont worry I wont let mean old auntys or mummy put the little dweeb in jail, whip his ass and make sure no more semen can escape- I probably sound a little crazy... JUST cause.). I think she (Sara) would stand up to me and say she did it to herself. And it isnt begrudging my beautiful daughter or her beautiful son... it is just how much nicer it would of been to not make life that little bit harder.

He always proclaimed the cure for the flu was rum. I am an aggressive drunk on rum. I want to fight everyone and anyone. Give me rum and you have a problem for the night.

Anna (my second daughter) described Raymond's funeral and the goings on to me on the telephone. It was kind of funny - but also I felt a terrible wish I had of gone. Of them lighting his cigarettes and putting them in his burial plot for him, and staggering and crying...of stories and well wishes. Of her watching it and being a little scared and me telling her .. no this is just the way they will get over this and its all fine.

I have many things I want to write - just to think... about his death. Twice - not once twice.. Maybe three times really because when my Canadian girlfiend visited I had long ago left the little kids father and it was Ray who looked after her at Tom's house. Blah details. Ray came to Grafton to help us with our racehorses when the father of the rest of my children was sick. Twice he helped for free. Well ok - so you needed to have beer or some kind of booze. And occasionally he got hungry. Not very often and he was never fussy.

He had a wonderful temper. A temper I have never seen on any other human in my life. It just didnt exist. Sara or my kids would draw on the walls... and he would say "what a lovely picture". I would come home three days later with love bites on my neck and he would say... "I cant work the microwave" (I was a teenager.,...)

The story at Anna at home i will do as a seperate post....

Cute doggies

I found this on jellyfish's site. Cute huh?

The third and final...

Things go in three's? Firstly my Aunts.. one expected and one so horridly? And then last night my oldest daughter rang to tell us that her father had died. Ray had abused his body for too long I guess. Still 51 is so young to die.

Of course Sara was very upset...and her pain affected us. Last night's pain meant I had great plans for us all to head south to help Sara deal with all of this. Of course, this morning that is entirely impractical - and Anna can fly down to be with her sister for the coming week. Monday we will get what we can from school, pay for the airfare and send her down. Ray's body is being taken back to Jugiong...and it is rediculous for me to attend. (Especially considering how many times I have told him to... hmm well nevermind!)

After my Aunts funerals, my other Aunt had an operation on her HEART (for Atrial Fibrillation) and she is young and active and healthy ... and how positively horrid?

I blogged once before about how she amuses me... Am copying and pasting it again - linking to the original too.
Some stories are too good too waste
Just received an email from my Aunt Lola in Hobart. And it is too bloody good not too share. (Let's hope she doesnt insist I remove it) The red writing is hers... anything else is mine....


Hi NOB ..... Don't worry about this acronym I have just had the funniest experience (despite just being told I dont know who my father is !!!) definately don't worry about that she is one of us no matter how hard she protests ..... do you remember my red agapantha adventures. No - sometimes she forgets to share the fun stuff with me Well, I have a row of aggies agapanthus along the waterfront garden which look very nice because they stand up tall when flowering, with the backdrop of the water behind them. Well I sprayed one of the white ones with red paint ... gorgeous it was ... and I expected some bastard to come along and chop it off and steal it. Well, they've all dried out and are drooping now ( I should chop them back) ... I just looked out the window and there's this old lady down on hands and knees in the aggies and weeds.

At first I thought she's resuscitating someone and jumped up quite purturbed thinking I should ring an ambulance. I stared more closely on the way out from the balcony .... I thought then that maybe she's resuscitating a dog??? I hurried down and see that she's got a little trowel and digging in the aggies. I asked what she was doing and she answered "I just want a little cutting .... are these yours?? I thought they were wild". I said yes, and that they are very hard to keep alive down there in the freezing winds and salt spray, and that I need them in a big clump to protect each other. She kept digging furiously and saying "I just want a little piece" . I realized she was right where the "red" aggie was. I said that this one over here would be much easier to get ... and she said that she'd nearly got it now.

Then she looked like giving up. So I stepped up and said "here, give me a tug" (she was in her 70's) .... A N D ..... noticed a band of green wool tied to the base of the dead stalk. Up came the bulb ... I handed it to her and said "I hope you enjoy it" ..... and marched off quite angrily but bursting into laughter. She's going to nurture that fucking bulb, and all she'll ever get is a white agapantha (if it survived the battering she gave it).

Fancy the old bugger, marking the plant so that she could come back when it dries out and STEAL the fucking thing !!!!!!! Now, that was my only red one as far as she was concerned, and now she's stolen it !!! How incredible is that?? .... what an old devil .... aren't people amazing. I'm shocked. The same thing happened when a young girl who lives close by, noticed the red aggie and came rushing in to tell me about it. I told her what I'd done and she decided to "do" her mothers aggies and borrow my paint. They live out of town so she sprayed them on her next visit. Next thing a 4 wheel drive vehicle pulls up outside, and a guy jumps out with an axe ... chops the plant out of the ground and off he goes with it !!! Can you imagine all this excitement??? The madwoman next door, then decided to "do" a couple in her brother's drive, borrows the paint, and "does" two of his. He's got plastic bags over the flowers now so that the seeds will be caught and contained and he's taking them to the CSIRO. I am kinda hoping Lola cant get in any trouble for this? What have I started with my spray paint?? BUT wont that woman be disappointed when her's is white, and next year I'll spray the one next to that one ...... and she's got the wrong bulb !!!! .... what a joke !!!!!

That's all my excitement for this arvo .... cheers, Lola. p.s. the attached photo is the one I sprayed inside the yard ... I dont have a photo of the one down on the water. I'd better check and see if someone's stolen that one???

See - hardly seems the stuff someone with a faulty ticker would do huh? Anyrate - she is recovering nicely and galavanting about visiting and sightseeing - including Magnetic Island and friends with a catamaran.

My oldest daughter is heartbroken - and Anna is keen to be with her. Sara's 21st is in October - I planned not to go incase I killed Ray - however I guess it could be safe to change my plans now. (I doubt I will go actually... it is just such bad timing for us - and a party at a pub...Anna's exams, work etc? Distance sure can suck for family)

Anyhoo... no rest for the wicked I guess. Life has been strangely mad and hectic and JUST WRONG... but surely now it should all get better.

Oh - and the boat motor blew up (hmm gear thingo..and the repair shop said the new gear thingo was $800 - fifteen year motor..time to buy a new one) so I have a miserable man. And I thought this month I would buy me a new side by side fridge freezer... it just ISN'T going to happen. Anna has broken, lost or had stolen all her mobile phones so I had to buy her a new one today for the trip - of course amid promises she will repay me. Last week she joined soccer and had to be "suitably" outfitted for that.... after paying all that for her boots if she doesnt keep playing I will have to join up myself.

Rejections, reflections and fun people

I was rejected for the position I applied for yesterday. I kept checking email from 7.30 am to see what happened. I guess it is the best woman wins... and... that is the way the cookie crumbles. I can't say I am not disappointed... sometimes surely volunteer work should count for SOMETHING... but it doesn't and I should not expect it too - otherwise I simply shouldn't do it.

This week at work I have been working with a woman (H) who is FUN to work with. She has many amusing stories and is easy to converse with. H managed to make something I thought would floor me.... into something amusing. I love honest women who will tell stories even if the story has no intention of "big-noting" themselves. H told me stories that made me feel better.

And you know what? I will volunteer still any time the centre needs me... EXCEPTING for anything to do with that particular program. Pretty pathetic huh? Another candidate had worked in health (what have I been working in badhealth? Smart ass I meant my day life not my... wonder what happens when i smoke too much, drink as much as possible, think turkey thigh fat is the most delicious thing on earth and can survive on coffee for days in a row and think drinking cream straight from a carton is perfectly acceptable!) and the successful candidate is studying health promotion.

I expected Christian to be cranky. He always HATES me volunteering... and I guess I led him on with - it could lead to a job. He managed to not say "I told you so" (and no I wasnt holding any dangerous type objects in my hand at the time).

H seems to think my hours will pick up now everyone is getting used to me. And let's face it an engineering firm doesn't have the "stranger" elements of the general public. I am the most stupid person in the office..... that is a good thing.

Back later... I so shouldnt open so many programs at once. Bad habits.

Failing? Nah just.. adjusting

I am still smoking about ten cigarettes a day. I still think 40 to ten is good. And occasionally I haven't resisted the urge to imbibe. Thursday night I was upset with Anna and afraid I would not sleep for the 8am start at work. So I drank port and white wine and slept heavily - and duly punished with Friday morning - yes being awake and ready to work - but my face badly broken out in the terrible rash. I decided that the boxes of drugs the doctor gave me had alcohol avoiding warnings.. so I avoided taking the pills instead. Sigh.

Yesterday M arrived with nibblies that just paired too well with red wine (buggar my vegetable juice)and with a bottle shop just a run across the road away..... but hell it was nice and we had some great laughs.

I have a job interview Monday evening after work at Women's Health. It is a position wherein I would only work 22 hours a week - but would have the certainty of KNOWING what days/times I work for a couple of years. This suits a creature of habit (usually all the bad ones) like me... I hate not knowing what days I have to work. But of course there is always the dreaded INTERVIEW to botch up. I am so good at doing THAT! I would like the job because I prefer work within the community rather than for a huge engineering company.... and this is for young mothers. Well - I was a mother at 17 and my daughter too was a mother at 17 (much to my... angst/frustration/tears/pleadings and ultimate... resignation) I know EXACTLY how intimidating it can be trying to attend Breastfeeding mothers meetings... and sitting in the carpark looking at other somewhat older mums getting out of their brand new four wheel drives, assembling their fantastic baby crap and deciding instead to go back home and maybe sing out to the neighbour over the back fence and ask HER ADVICE.. rather than endure any.... real or absolute bullshit insecurity embarrassment/humiliation.

Yes - I know stay where I am and maybe it will lead to more money - lots of money greater things - but I guess the sad thing is that that doesnt seem to attract me all that much anymore. (When did I lose all my ambition? I don't know that answer either?) Who knows? And .. my path will... be chosen somehow. I would just like to keep being here for Anna and William - Jane is so much more content now at boarding school...

In the past 7 months Anna has had some big changes in her life. Her first job - the money and freedom that brings (I have been so proud of her...) and her first real boyfriend. (We like him lots - DONT TELL HER THAT!) But she has also gone from being an almost straight VHA (Very High Achievement) student to a SA (Satisfactory Achievement) student. Her behaviour hasnt changed - she still tortures her teachers - she CANNOT stay quiet if she thinks an injustice has been done and she will tell adults she thinks they are wankers (I am probably at fault there.. I should of stopped her yelling at adults when she was three - it was just so damn FUNNY when she was three?)... just the marks. But - the changes have meant that she gets home from school.. works for three or four hours, then entertains the boyfriend till about 10 pm..... and of course there is no time for study. In the past when she always got me to proof read assignments... nowdays I only see some.. and that is at 8.30 am and we have 10 minutes before we drive to school.

My little princess has also taken to constantly indicating we are beneath her standards.... can't possibly have friends over here because the house is too daggy,my wonderful sorting of messes are embarrassing, and no one else she knows decides to strip ten layers of paint off something in the living room for 6 weeks! She cant possibly let boyfriend or girlfriends talk to us because we are embarrassing and I accidently repeat stories that I think are really very funny.... and if she is picked up from school in the ford its a major problem because the state of the car (and worse when the dogs have come along for the ride) is utterly humiliating...."why cant we just have normal looking dogs like everyone else?" type stuff? So we had a big fight Thursday - both of us cried... me probably more (alcohol excited - you should see the two of us watching anything Disney... man are we criers) and I am still riding her butt about her grades. Now - to me this picture is funny. It is Dotti the wonderdog completely asleep on the dining chair. (Don't worry I finally hoiked that table out the front today - I so miss mine - there is just no way it can fit in this house.)

The thing I never learn about my puppies.. is that only dogs of small breeds should be encouraged to sit on laps or furniture. Large dogs do not ever seem to understand that they have grown and should no longer drape themselves on furniture humans inhabit. My dogs still want to sit on EVERYONES laps... any chair, sofa or bed. You would think she would be uncomfortable hey?

I was most offended when Anna knocked the dogs and queried why I never bring home a pure bred dog. I think I have a reason for that. I had a step father who on two occasions bought home purebred dogs thinking this would make him look good. He really did. It wasnt the dog that amused him.. it was the fact the dog was expensive looking and that would make him look good. My Mum likes animals - but I dont think she has ever had a permanent relationship with anything. She is very gifted as an artist. She can make almost anything look beautiful. I never understood why she didnt stand up for the dogs - I do now... hindsight is such a bastard!

And naturally I loved the dogs dearly. One puked in his damlier (matter of fact so did I and I didnt last all that long either hahaha) and the other... I think I just annoyed him with my devotion to it... and both dogs were sent....... to.. other ends.. I look in my dogs eyes and I think they are beautiful. Rocky is a spoilt nasty little bully boy who couldnt fight to save his life. A warmonger who couldn't fight to save his life and will faint at the sight of blood. He would send you to your death in battle though. Dotti is deaf... completely and utterly deaf. If she cannot see you she cannot understand you and if you dont think.. she will mistake what you think you meant to tell her. She chases the garbage truck for stealing her crap (Dotti loves the contents of a garbage bin and she IS well fed) and its one hell of an ordeal to get her back home. She is way more social than Rocky - she doesn't mind a good play with other dogs but under Rockys influence she wont.. she would rather fight with him. I take her out alone and she is lovely with her interaction with other dogs. (I am not meant to have the dogs in my car so that is yet another secret - dogs are only allowed in the ford) Put them together and they just want to fight every dog.Any dog. Except bigger ones than Rocky. THEN he behaves.

So - I havent beaten my addictions. Except coffee. Christian, Anna and William keep me .. saner. For Jane I want to beat at least another one before next holidays. I cannot keep telling her what she should do if I can set some example. Musing on how nice it would be if she were home tonight. She is the only kid I had that doesnt wriggle to sleep with. Ah well! And tomorrow I have boring stuff... blah.... maybe I will sneak out for a while!

(Thank you Rox. xxx)

What Latin American Country should you visit quiz

You Should Visit Brazil

If you're looking for an extreme yet chill vacation, Brazil is perfect for you. Go wild at Carnaval, get lost in the Amazon, and relax checking out the beautiful people on the beach.

What Latin American Country Should You Visit?

Ok - so last night I had a minor setback.

Yeppers - I drank about 6 cans of scotch and dry and 3 glasses of wine and fell into a wonderful deep sleep wherein neither Christian or the dog could make me move over. Dreamless wonderful sleep. You can call it camatose drunk or passed out or whatever. For me it was just wonderful. And really it has been years since so little wine can make me pass out so quickly. I also smoked about 13 cigarettes yesterday too. And today I had a headache and cough that wouldn't budge.

When I woke up my chest was as horrid as the days before I decided to quit. One lousy setback in almost two weeks and INSTANT return of the bad stuff. Worse - my face.

I get a terrible eczema on my face if I am stressed. On my FACE... so the whole world can see. Now if I got it somewhere that could be normally hidden I wouldnt be so pissed off at it. The week IMMEDIATELY after the nicotine patches, abstinence from alcohol and coffee... my face broke out horrifically. I was like the red lizard lady. If a circus had of been in town they probably would of employed me. And then Sunday - my skin was the best it had been in years. Wonderful - thought I. Then I woke this morning and there it was in all its red and scaley glory. I suspect it could be the preservatives in the wine.

Righto - so getting drunk and passing out isn't the solution. So I went to the local doctors. The GP (a pleasant enough Indian man - who somehow managed to tell me he has never had and addiction in his life - I refrained from calling him nasty names) noticed I suffer from "anxiety". No shit sherlock - I just told you I was giving up all three of my addictions. He said.. I don't know if it is wise for you to give up all three at once. I tried to explain that I don't know how to have one without another. (The amount of times I have poured scotch into my coffees so noone would notice?) Sheesh. He also told me he suffered from anxiety when he was a young man and yoga helped that. Righto - I will give that a go too then. (Almost everyone I know who does Yoga I have at least once thought - you are a fruitloop. Sigh)

Remember (or imagine) when you are raising toddlers. And you are nonstop distracting them.. say in the garden and they want to eat a slug... and you have to distract them with something else..and then of course they find a snail or a worm... and also want to taste them.. and you gently remove slimy creature and show them the flower.. which they also want to taste? and then you try the swings? Non stop distracting toddler from revolting stuff because who the hell would have the energy to yell at them every time for doing it (and frankly when they do eat one.. it isn't that big of a deal.All my kids did manage at least one revolting thing.) Distract and perservere with more appropriate suggestions.You know - the old smear the cot and wall with the faeces routine.. it means you need more toys in the cot. The old .. examine one's genitals when in the pram at the mall or bank managers office - you distract with more toys in the pram and more difficult apparel to get into. I AM THE TWO YEAR OLD. But there is no one to distract me - I have to distract myself.

Me addict - I want a smoke.

Me distracter - No you want a nice long walk.

Me addict - I would like a drink BEFORE THE NICE LONG WALK

Me distracter - Yes - you would love a vegetable juice that claims to have antioxidants and lots of healthy things in it.

Me addict - I hate you, I hate life, I hate vegetable juice, everything is evil and picking on me... and I want something bad and evil and I want it now. (insert stamping tantrum and expletives here... possibly even throwing something too)

Me distracter - let's find your walking shoes.

Me addict - what is in it for me?

Me distracter - well the nice long walk will make you tired and have a nice sleep tonight.

Me addict - lying adult no fun bastards.

See - it is exactly the same as dealing with toddlers. Exactly!

The lack of sleep is what makes me so irritable and unreasonable. So - the Doctor prescribed me something (Zamhexal- oh I asked the chemist for the cheap alternative - I always do) for "anxiety" that he thinks will help and I wont get addicted too. And something for my face. When I already told him... after ten days of no booze my face had completely cleared up. I bought them both anyways. I have smoked about 8 cigarettes today ..... tomorrow is another day. To me... eight from 40 is a wonderful achievement. Both packets of tablets say "may cause drowsiness". I bloody hope so.

Some pictures from the weekend

Christian and his boss had a small job on local Witt Island this weekend. The owner of the island certainly has views and peace and quiet. It is the only home on the island.
Saturday was overcast and mild drizzle... and the owner and his mate had said they would continue the care of the slab. Neither Christian or his boss envied them that task.




And then it was back on the barge home.Some more pictures of the island views. I could happily laze there and read books. Sigh.

Quiz on what religion are you. My rating.

You scored as agnosticism. You are an agnostic. Though it is generally taken that agnostics neither believe nor disbelieve in God, it is possible to be a theist or atheist in addition to an agnostic. Agnostics don't believe it is possible to prove the existence of God (nor lack thereof). Agnosticism is a philosophy that God's existence cannot be proven. Some say it is possible to be agnostic and follow a religion; however, one cannot be a devout believer if he or she does not truly believe. agnosticism 88% Satanism 83% atheism 75% Islam 71% Buddhism 71% Paganism 67% Judaism 46% Christianity 38% Hinduism 33% Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

Nicked this from Boysenberry - A quiet life in the Burbs.

The depravity of addicts - second failure day

Thank heck I was never interested in illegal drugs. My love of tobacco is just so bloody awful. I thought I was going really well for the first few days. Three cigarettes in one day for me! Then - a couple of slip ups and.. maybe 5-7 cigarettes? And I would tell myself... that isn't all bad? From 40 to seven! Marvellous well done. Or the errant family member who says "Mum, naughty naughty!" when I do smoke - and doesn't know how close to violence they have just encouraged me.

I learnt very quickly that there are "triggers" to my smoking. I smoke alot around certain people. And I realised that I use the cigarette as a barrier.. because I don't feel comfortable with them and the cigarette gives me time to carefully chose my words. People that have different opinions to social/political matters then I do. I use the cigarette to carefully think... be quiet.... say nothing. (Past fortnight I have found it much easier to simply HIDE from said people) I learnt some people I smoke with for the simple.. sharing of a pleasure. Boredom entices me to smoke. Habits definately are the largest part. The alcoholic beverage or the caffeine.... that is a habit. Anything stressful tends to make me reach for the cigarettes.

Oh - the caffeine headache lasted two days. I absolutely kid you not. It did not let up. I took about 12 panadols until I threw them out in disgust too... figuring they could probably end up my next addiction.

It is the lack of sleep that is most horrendous. And I guess my addictive behaviour really took hold (it was there before this) when I went through my sleep deprivation motherhood years. When my son was at home he was almost always connected to an apneo moniter that would scream this horrible siren when William had forgotten to breath for over 20 seconds. The main problem was basically he had a floppy larynx and lazy brain that wouldn't tell his body to fix it. It was a good thing actually the problem with his throat (that he simply grew into). As he breathed he would make this "whhoppp whooppp" sound. And it was so noisy that really I didn't need the machine. I could be with the girls downstairs in the pool and still hear when the quiet came. He spent a great time of time at the wonderful Royal Brisbane Childrens Hospital and we donated heaps of time and research to the SIDS clinic at the Mater Hospital. I taught myself to drink myself to sleep. I also always managed to wake when the damn sound stopped. My mother-in-law used to call it "the dripping tap". But many late nights we both agreed we were greatful for "the dripping tap." Never did the siren go off without me or Margaret being there first.

I am just so unbelievably tired. I have been deliberately walking long walks and taking the dogs for runs and exercising to tire me out. I have re- read all Colleen McCullough's Rome series. I read another Jill Manswell and the Ozzy Osbourne biography "Ozzie knows best" by Chris Nickson. Usually mind numbing silliness amuses me. I can't read anything that doesn't make me concentrate because.... if I am not concentrating I am thinking about cigarettes.

I can't sit at the computer for long times because it is another trigger to smoke.

I haven't ever realised how.. I avoid my partners moods or idiosyncracies with the protection of alcohol or cigarettes before. Don't get me wrong I do love him. But he is a bad tempered sod who advocates vicious diatribe I would never ever believe in or endorse....(he would be BETTER OFF IF HE FELL IN LOVE WITH MY GIRLFRIEND I AM HIDING FROM... and I have so been in this place before) And they are not his beliefs.. they are the beliefs of the people he works with. Yet he swears like a trooper (sorry to all troopers I have never met one really) when he is with them and shocks me... if I say Buggar he is alarmed - if i say c*nt he protects himself.

How much fun it is to walk with Anna on the beach at midnight. (Or how many times my dogs can crap! late at night!) How many nasty comments that happen to me all the time.. but normally I ride over them but without my beloved vices they cut raw? I normally don't notice the acid comments and jibes about me being home all day and doing nothing when there is a three or two at worst course dinner.

I guess I always just protect myself and mine. I can blow things out of proportion. (Christian is working afternoon shift today... I am happy to drink the scotch and smoke the cigarettes I stashed) And how my... methods of avoiding any problems we have are .. so scarey without them when I realise I live with and have loved someone who doesnt have my beliefs AT ALL? I don't believe in no refugees. I certainly don't believe in children in detention. I don't believe our authorities would willingly allow us to eat modifyed genetic food that can harm us. I didn't believe police were bad before I met him. (OK now I do - I find my circumstances hard to forgive them... they didn't need to enter a bathroom with a naked 11 year old twice.. but there is another side.. the side that had I never fell in love with Christian this would never of happened to me?) How I am always always terrified of his driving. You can take the boy out of Woodridge... but you cannot take the Woodridge out of the boy. And I had no business playing with him in the first place.

The martyrdom is amazing. Because he felt he was treated (and he was) badly as a kid he cannot imagine why I argue that my kids cannot be treated the same way. I guess I am that callous. Just because he was treated cruelly doesnt mean my kids cant be picked up and delivered to school/sport/travel/whatever. Normally I dont fight.. I just drink... and do what I want to the next day. I almost never get hangovers so it works fine. It isnt working too fine this past two weeks. And I dont have the cigarette to let me have those valuable seconds that dont say something nasty.

Ahh I don't like me all that much without my addictions either. My cigarettes allow me time to think and say nothing. My booze allows me to not feel fear when he yells. I have seen my girlfriends get upset and worried about me.. and I am not worried.. I have had enough booze to not be scared...i could quite easily beat a tiger, lion or bear. At least daily Christian has said to me... "for fucks sake just smoke". I walk away thinking "thanks for your support.. its always been brilliant". Why do people harm each other like this?

I feel like I am swaying on some stupid tree I so shouldnt of climbed up in the first place. And I agree with every nasty comment.. he so shouldn't have no money for new lights on the boat (he so shouldnt of spent our last weekly budget on his rotten car he kills daily) - he works hard. But he took on a woman with three kids. He should of at least had some brains with the other women. Four kids with school holidays and man werent they a killer! But now I am suffering fear of heights. I cant cope with no sleep... it is just too cruel. We all suffer from our own behaviour. And there is no help for you if you establish behaviours that are detrimental. I am just too tired and I don't know what to do next. I have to stay still for Anna for another two years. I don't want to stay still. I am mad as hell I have to give up my cigarettes and my wine or spirits... I am mad as hell I am expected to be used to being yelled at... I am mad as hell imbiciles have jobs and I usually am underemployed. I am mad as hell I cant smoke inbetween these things. Anna still says "poor Dad?" My goodness he paid $10 a fortnight for these kids for four years? And POOR DAD.

Well tomorrow I might try the not smoking/drinking thing again. Or not.

The stupidity of smoking cigarettes part 1

Approaching my 38th birthday I was wrangling with my stupid behaviour of cigarette smoking. Notwithstanding the fact I have in recent months developed the crusty horrific cough of a smoker as an after effect of what should have been a simple case of the flue. I remember looking at ANCIENT (my age now) hard drinking, harder living women in the small town I grew up in thinking what bloody idiots are they. Not only was I doing the same thing, but to aid my ghastly cough when smoking I was gulping down cough syrups and swigging on water all day – especially before and during smoking. And at places of work or where some form or decorum was necessary I was HIDING THE COUGH SYRUP and not the cigarettes? Add the lozenges I sucked on, the times I have soaked my fingers in bleach to remove the yellow stains, spraying my hair with perfume cause I don’t have time to wash the smell out and what I have subjected my teeth to in order to get rid of the stains – which the dentist says quite bluntly –JUST STOP SMOKING. Nah not me. I go pay him a couple of hundred dollars to get the stains off instead. Or make myself puke with vinegar and bi carb soda and scrub until I am satisfied.

I was smoking up to 40 cigarettes a day. I answered the quit coach guide online and said I was smoking 30. (It is poetic license … not an out an out lie. SOMEDAYS I PASSED OUT DRUNK AND DIDN’T GET TO SMOKE THE WHOLE PACKET HONESTLY) That wretched thing came back and told me I was spending $85 a week on my addiction. Noice hey? $4 k a year on stuff I smoke and cough like an old hag over.

So, somewhere in the folds that I call sanity I decided that this is my year to quit. I hadn’t really discussed it with anyone – it had just been a long discussion with myself. We talk a lot me and I. Just such a dreadful shame we disagree with each other so often!

Wednesday morning was my birthday and I fully anticipated a sleep in, a late breakfast with my two youngest daughters, (William being away) shopping and then cooking for friends for wine and nibblies. I had smoked my head off and drank two bottles of wine on Tuesday night. So of course at 9am work rang and said can you get in here ASAP. BLAH! I drank two cups of coffee and smoked 7 cigarettes in 20 minutes while dressing suitably and putting on makeup.

Anna (daughter No.2) wonderfully took control of catering for wine and nibblies – which is a fairly common occurrence in this house anyway – but she outshone herself. Jane (daughter no 3) wasted her last ten bucks buying me a beautiful thoughtful present. Anna went overboard and spent way too much money – her newly gained appreciation of work and money has somehow been .. Misappropriated in direction. Pleased though I am at her generosity it is misdirected at me!



M and K arrived in full birthday mode – gifts and more wine! And when I announced my plans to go on the nicotine patches in the morning both were suitably supportive with my plans. We enjoyed our food and wine and giggles. And then they went home to their families. Christian soon passed out. And Anna had unfortunately chosen that night of all nights to conduct a sleep over with two girlfriends …… and I spent a little time crying to myself as I heard them have fun while I sat alone. Contemplating my misery at giving up my beloved white smoking thing that has kept me and I company for so long.

I am going to post this now because Blogger keeps mucking me up and losing things.. or is that me? Nevermind.

Unfinished projects, envy! and just plain messes

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Ahh the green eyed monster huh?

WELL - I was looking through Elsewhere's blog and admiring the dresser she has purchased already completed.. and yep I felt a pang right there. For about 9 weeks my kitchen has had a dresser being restored in situation - hence much dust and mayhem... absolutely no room to get into anything. I didn't remember to take a before picture. I never remember important things like that. But we found it in a shed... and the owner said I could have it. Our house is WAY TOO SMALL for us. I am getting around to moving. Maybe once I finish the projects I started. Anyways - especially Christian has laboured over the dresser..... to come to almost completion...and now we have hit a problem. The hinges and handles. I cant find similar ones anywhere in town. And I think the old ones are beyond restoration. So - the too big ANYWAY dresser crowds the house as we fill it with UTTER RUBBISH AND JUNK... household stuff that should be elsewhere. (Oh.. no pun intended! She seems to live an uncluttered life) It sadly awaits the return of the doors and glass. Sigh. I have furntiture stored at a girlfriends house. I had to dismantle my beloved dining table so as to fit the second sofa into this house. I miss that table so much! (Or do I just miss the times we had around it? A big table is a must for food family and friends. Anyway - it is going to be wonderful when I figure out the hinges/latches problem. Just as beautiful as Elsewhere's. Honestly.

And I couldn't resist my envy at Cazzie's bus. What a wonderful idea/project huh?

When the kids were little Christian and I used to do heaps of boating, camping and fishing. And we all loved it - our weekend escapes and adventures. Until the kids reached an age when they decided that it was very "uncool" to hang with us - and the weekends of soccer, cheerleading, sleep overs, work,school functions etc all took over. One such weekend we were stuck at home... bored.. and our boats motor had been mucking up.... and a stranger approached and offered us .. i think it was $500 or $600 for our boat (we had sold the trailer previously)... and we took the money thinking ... we never use it anymore ANYWAY... the motor is about to blow up and...the money showed promise of gluttony, waste and better quality alcohol for the weekend.....

And for two years after we regretted selling our beloved (very very thin hulled little) boat. This year Christian has bought TWO. This week we could make it THREE. Sigh.

Christian manages to put both boats into the single carport. Yep - our cars have no protection whatsoever. I think he competes with me with the messes in the yard... as to how much old junky furntiture I drag home and cannot fit in the house.

You cant move in our house because of furniture. The built in wardrobes have wardrobes and cupboards INSIDE of them. Here is a picture of my beloved big table that is now in the damn wardrobe Ahhh I miss all of us fitting around it so well and all the food I could laden the table with.....

Anyway - there you go. Today I have felt a horrid envy of two bloggers that I love to read. And yes - you are right.. I so shouldnt let the dogs sit at the table. More on the good manners of dogs later. Cheerio!

I give up - we are simply horrible

Gretel said............. "Today, and presumably for the remainder of the week, you may be inundated with exaggerated ill-informed stories in the media which do nothing but perpetuate ignorance and hurt those involved," she said.

"Ashley and John were fantastic housemates, bringing joy not only to their fellow housemates but to Australia as a whole, and we're very sorry that one foolish incident on their behalf has led to them leaving."

I so hope the girls and I are wrong at the "incident". I said to Anna and Jane.. well I personally think slapping anyone in the face with your genitals without consent is very very bad. We are so horrid we roared laughing at this comment. I mean it. ROARED. The three of us made slapping noises and yelled and wooted. We could of made more noise than what my son made as he watched the Socceroos. I was just reading all the boring comments from politicians........and youch for us it was like the cleaning of the lungs because we all laughed so hard? (I love Gretel but her aforementioned comment was so INSIPID?) I smoke cigarettes.. (very unpopular at the moment) and the girls had to stop fearful they had induced me into a coughing fit I wouldnt come out of. My girls are HIDEOUSLY FUNNY! We couldnt stop laughing and making slap noises.

We really are DREADFUL! I would be furious of course if any male......... turkey slapped? my girls? Without their consent. And part of me knew that being the mother I should not laugh. At all. Anna and I together shouted down Jane's excuse the boys were "hot". I tried in vain to tell Jane that "if" these boys had stuck their genitals were they were not wanted that this was actually a crime. It made the whole situation worse and we were all laughing again? We really are horrid?

Anna had to remind me to breathe. And all of us have hated Big Brother this year. The girls rush off to watch... oh either Home and Away or neighbours... I dont allow either on the tv in the living room or on mine. (Actually mine doesnt work anymore I have no idea what happened? I plugged a laptop into the outlet and now.. nothing?" But tonight we watched BB. As Gretel made her speech.. we roared. "Oh yeah baby such nice blokes take them home to YOUR DAUGHTER!" I might even watch Big Brother now too.

Did you see how our useless pollies SUDDENLY FOUND SOMETHING TO SAY? Get rid of BB they say.... where is the list of pollies who said it? And of course all the family lunatics. It was a wonderful thing for my daughters and me. Laughing is SO SO GOOD FOR YOU. THE THREE OF US LAUGHING? It was hilariously funny. Roaring at William dont stick your wonker out to amuse the girls? Him "ewwwiinnnggggggg" ? You cant pay for moments like that.Us girls slapping each other at the train station most of the time pretending we saw mosquitos? It was funny. We slapped.. and then we said... bugs? Until someone mentioned turkeys. Then we all laughed again. They cant solve health issues for our elderly - cleaning a ceiling fan becomes an act of impossibility...they can make gross mistakes and never ever apologise...but look at the ones today who managed on a SUNDAY.. to say bann BB. I found my girls too funny and amusing and I didnt pay attention. I still have no qualms cleaning ceiling fans. Rediculousness goes on. But I will pay no part.

Lazy funny Sundays

Christian left fishing early this morning - and I asssumed he would return for me at some stage. He didnt. He was catching fish and left me at home ALL DAY. So the kids and I had a forced day together that was somehow hilariously funny and I so hope I can remember all the funny bits.


Any puritan type readers... best you link to the next blog. My girls shock me sometimes. And that is saying something.

The tv is almost always on but no one pays attention to it. The noise of the tv is simply a diversion in our lives. I can crave silence but when I get it ,... it always confuses me. Channel ten reports that Big Brother has taken two house mates out due to a sexual assualt. This catches our attention. (Sad arent we?)

Only Jane has been following Big Brother this year. Normally I love it. Anyhow... Anna finds a site that says that housemate Camilla has been "turkey slapped" and I say.,....


Me - say what?

Anna - turkey slapped ... for heavens sake mum you DO KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS DONT YOU

Me - well i am imagining...

Jane - which housemates?

Anna - tells her - i already forget...

Jane - I LOVE....

Anna and Me in unison - Jane just dont SPEAK .... GAWD.....

Anna and I roll on the floor for a while laughing.

Jane - what are you two fools laughing about.

Us - we thought you were going to say you liked to be turkey slapped.

Jane AND WILLIAM - what is turkey slapped? (FFs I didnt really know until Anna made "gestures" to me to explain it!)

Anna - Mum you are SO NEVER GOING TO GET A BLUE CARD!

AND WORSE... my first thoughts were I love Inghams turkey thigh roasts? I really do. They are just the nicest things to eat?

I will be so glad when the flu leaves me and I dont have extra snot when laughing.

I have been nagging the girls to read more variety .. i get annoyed at the rereading of Harry Potter over and over again. So Jane got this DREADFUL book at the library..and I read it today because she claimed it was wonderful. It was sad and horrid.It was "the Jarrow Lass" by Janet Macleood Trotter. It doesnt take me very long to read a novel. That infuriates the girls.... but the book was sad and ghastly and mean? And it made my baby cry?

William caught the train to his fathers today for the very first time. Nothing is ever meant to run.. smoothly? in our life so we managed to book him onto carriage L -the carriage that doesnt fit on the Gladstone station. William is somewhat ... hmm...smaller than his age... so he looked rediculous pushing past nine hundred ( I exaggerate somewhat) smokers trying to disembark to get to his seat. He has been waiting for today for a long time. Ever since Sara was allowed to travel unaccompanied minor on airplanes William has dreamed of his chance. Today he got it. To a teary mother and a wailing crying older sister... and a bemused Jane. DO NOT GET THE L CARRIAGE IN GLADSTONE.. IT DOESNT FIT ON THE PLATFORM.Anna actually wailed. It was just he looked so small. We stayed on the phone till Tom said he was safe and sound. We really are demented.

It is probably nice William is interested in his father suddenly. I have this terrible feeling he just wants to experience the travel his sisters have? I do worry I have annoyed him too. Tom has never done anything for the kids. But I have always advocated they should love their dad. So I Guess I am just being mean. I have no right to say tom hasnt done anything for the kids either because I have no idea what he has been doing. I just know he doesnt pay maintenence and if he is given the opportunity he tells me how much he struggles to pay Janes boarding school fees. For two years. Outa 16 nearly. Same sentence he cant help brag to me the prizemoney he won last year. I guess i am being ghastly. I am not angry at him. I am angry at me. Jane is happy now with being at boarding school. Maybe I just want to fight with someone.

If Jane tells me one more story about how easy it is to escape from boarding school I will probably lose it.

Not that I ever had it.

Funnies

This is a damn funny blog!

Weekends fishing

The weather is just perfect for our meandering through the local estuaries in our tiny (somewhat leaky) tin boat. Our dog Rocky loves to be with us - but he really is nervous about the whole water thing. He tried to just sleep on the bottom of the boat.. but it leaked and he was most upset that he got a wet bum. He spent the rest of the journey on higher ground - the middle seat. If you take Rocky fishing you have to be extra careful at standing up. He has no idea that he is upsetting the balance. He just cares that there is water on his hind. He would be happier if he stayed home. He really doesnt feel safe on the water.

We bought both green prawns as bait and cooked prawns to snack on for the journey... and enjoyed them on our travels with some sauce. Dip your hand over the side of the boat to wash them.... Christian caught a dozen fish... all undersized except one grunter... and I soon bored because I only caught ONE tiddler....and began not wanting to share the green prawns as I imagined what I would cook for tonights dinner. It is a lovely way to waste an afternoon. The sun set on Mt Larcom as we drove the boat home... and the grunter and the green prawns became the base for the seafood chowder I cooked on our return home.

And - we will probably go fishing again tomorrow. Simple pleasures for simple people I guess? We admire the fishing birds. It is just nice when we are alone drifting and playing? Softly talking and planning. Wondering and musing. Time for healing sadnesses.