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The unusual cold seems to have left...

During the unusual cold.. Dotti was particularly miserable. At first a blanket seemed to help.

But then - she decided she too wanted to wear clothes. After all the rest of us went out and came home with new ones.
She knew this made her "special". If the cold returns I will consider dog clothing instead of fishing out William's old shirts.

Today Rocky visited the daycare centre I work TWICE - once he found it and I called my kids to come and get him and the second time I drove him home. It is school holidays and he has kids at home for him but chose to use the fact they aren't very dog safety aware.... and escape. I knew a few weeks ago that my dogs know where I am. I can see them from one verandah and knew they could see me. Now Rocky has confirmed this is indeed where I am wasting my days... I think we will have to rethink fences, gates and possible baby(dog) sitting arrangements.

Apologies for the poor quality of the photos - Anna has to find me the receipt for her camera so that I can send it off under warranty for whatever... happened to it. These photos were taken with the mobile phone that has caused the past 6 weeks of grief for Anna and me.

All over and we are the best of friends again. To amuse me tonight she sang the "Hokey Pokey" to prove to me she is as cute as the two year olds she doesn't approve of me cuddling by day.

She leaves for the Gold Coast Friday to attend the National Cheerleading competition and perform at the State of Origin football game.

Jane and Will were to catch the train to Rockhampton to spend the holidays with their sperm donor - however he is sick again and they are staying here.

My bad rating!

I found this while browsing through some blogs I have neglected lately.



This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

bitch (5x) hurt (4x) fuck (3x) fucking (2x) sex (1x)

I guess I should pay better attention to my dreadful potty mouth sometimes? But honestly - sometimes a "bad" word says it all.

Ben will be home tomorrow

Jane arrives home at 5 am tomorrow. Her father is heading to.. somewhere I forget.. for horses... and dropping her off on the way.

I start work at 9 am. I hope she is smart enough to just climb in bed with me and not wake me till after 7 am.

But - oh well!

I contemplated quiting

So I got to work this morning and everything was lovely. The director gave me my new uniform. Everyone was congenial and the person who had annoyed me... stayed away from me and seemed to understand that I did not want to participate in conversation with her. I took my cigarette break when I wanted without my previous checking to make sure she was happy with it.

The children provided me with hugs and kisses. The kids work better than a hot water bottle in this awful strange weather and carrying them and dancing with them was lovely and warm.

Two of them have finally ceased calling me Mummy and are calling me a variation of Melissa that works just fine for me.

"MISSALISSA - I WANT MY BOTTLE!" I understand perfectly. And "Missa I can't find my woobie" I understood too. ("woobie" is the name of the soft blankets she fondles) The others just laugh at me when I say "I am not Mummy - I am Melissa!" - and some of them like to argue with me.

I learnt about twenty years ago it is hardly worth arguing with a two year old. Sometimes it's useless to argue with adults too.

Another whinging post.

I know my posts are getting more miserable by the week. I sound dreadful - one of those awful whinny women I avoid. Or try hard to avoid but never really manage it. Whateva. I am NOT a miserable person. I seek and crave fun and when life shits me I go feed the ducks, play tricks on my dogs and stand for hours by the water pretending the aim is to catch a fish.

I went permanent full time at a daycare centre that is located right across the road. The pay is crap. But I need the money - and what luck working so close from home - still time to run home at lunch prepare dinner, wash up after breakfast and hang the washing on the line. I have 12 two year olds to care for and they are all wonderful.

Even my wildcat who does bite, is always up to something dreadful and reminds me of my daughter Jane. Her little mind is constantly thinking.. constantly watching her surroundings to find the easiest most fun thing to get into. You know when you have to turn your back on her for another child she is going to find the easiest mischief she can. The trick is to think ahead of her so you can tell her you can see her doing it when you cant. She will blow you kisses when she realises she has been foiled. Sadly.. sometimes she foils me. I think she would be aiming to escape out the door - she chose to tip the paint for the next activity into the book shelf. Even the two that come on Monday and Tuesday that cry constantly almost all day unless I can think of ways to distract them. These kids are all wonderful. The good ones that always do as you ask or direct. The cheeky ones that know that there is an ok to push - and not ok to push.

Ok - I am waffling.

It is bloody cold today. Abnormally cold. The other two rooms have only 6 children in them, and mine has 12+ - some of mine had to go into the other rooms to accommodate the numbers versus carers. I have the smallest room and I share a bathroom with another room. During the course of the day - I have a couple of women who share care duties with me. One - normally I find fine to work with. She is shrill and I find she yells and can be... blah.. lets not carry on.

Just before my lunch hour... I take three children into the bathroom for nappy changing, hands and face wash before nap and after lunch... and she throws two more children into the bathroom and shuts the door... to which one of the children turns on the tap to the water basin and another shoves her finger up the spout.. thus causing incredible cold water over everyone in the bathroom.. whilst I am holding a two year old on a change table with SHIT everywhere... I yelled at HER. I did first shout the name of the child with her finger up the water spout. But it is utterly impossible to expect me to control five (I think six actually - there was another child in the room not belonging to my room) But - yep I yelled for help. I had one hand on the child on the change table so he didn't fall off onto the tiles and crack his head open and the other reaching towards the children with the hand basin that was saturating the tiled bathroom ... I was furious! So was other woman.

She went and told a supervisor (I don't know which) that I had yelled at the children and that I took cigarette breaks. I do. I take one in the morning and one in the afternoon. I wait for when I can see the children are quiet before I piss off for said cigarette break. I also watch other woman take personal phone calls, chat to other workers in nearby rooms, organise milo's and other food breaks for her and her fellow workers, completely piss off for half an hour god knows where when I am left alone for that time with 12 two year olds.....I didnt yell at the kids other than the girl with her finger up the tap when we all got the impromptu shower. I definitely DID yell at the woman for shoving the extra kids in the room. When I got back into the room and she said to me just pat the children until they sleep I just did it. I am new.. I cant argue and I certainly knew saying what I wanted to say in front of twelve 2 year olds wasnt wise. And the children I am happy to pat to sleep. Other woman pissed off up the rooms to once again leave me alone with them A float kindly came past and helped with some of the little things - sheets for children who didnt bring them etc. Eight minutes later was my lunch and the second my relief came in the room I was out the door.

I went home.. considered eating and decided that would probably give me indigestion. I hung out laundry, washed dishes and sorted socks. Counted heaps. Told myself it was an isolated incident and not to worry about it. For heavens sake the woman who had annoyed me steals food from the children, brings her own kids to the centre to wake up our kids and give them germs when her kids are sick, ignores timetables, writes utter rubbish as observations and is so careless with her comments to the children it breaches even what parents are taught via the media on what to say to toddlers. It is hard work - I am not denying that. It's somewhat difficult to not say "you are being disgusting" instead of "your actions are disgusting" as a kid smears snot or shit into something. I am not denying that either. And I am very conscious of the fact carer does have tooth pain, wont fix it because it is too expensive and instead gets bad tempered or seeks pain relief - at the expense of the room.

I got back to work - as other carer leaves for her lunch. She informs me that the children are to stay in their beds until 2.30. Four are already awake.. and its 1 pm. I can see this is so not gunna work.

The senior of our block.. pulled me aside to her room.. (I had aimed to get the list of things "wrong" with our room fixed at this point..) sat me on the chairs for toddlers.. to ask me about the incident. I am seated 20 cms from the ground, in a toddlers room to be interrogated about my actions. I was defensive and at first considered denying there was an incident - but she pushed with you were yelling at the children in the bathroom. (Small town too.. I know her "grown up" son)I said no.. I was yelling at the other carer. Fuck it - I did yell. But I tell ya - the kids that copped the sudden shower and slippery floor were not all that bloody shocked I did yell. I shouldn't have five (I am pretty sure there were six actually) kids in a bathroom.. full of both unhygienic and dangerous things... just because the other carer wanted the kids out of the room while she put the most disruptive kid in our room down first when every other day that kid is put to bed last. As a matter of fact I hadnt even finished making the kids beds when I took the three into the bathroom. Sometimes I can take five into the room - but when I select the kids as to the ones I know are not likely to want to play with the water, soap, flushing the loo's, pressing the hand dryer button and unravelling the toilet paper. They are TWO! They are gunna want to do all that stuff.

They dont want to stay on their beds till 2.30 just because it suits the carer. And fuck you too.. because I dont want to sit on my bed for an hour and a half and do nothing just because you are in a bad mood. If I don't want to do it.. how the hell are they gunna want too? I gave them all books.. and then let the awake ones have textas on the table and when they did colour in the table.. I didn't care. When carer came back and quizzed why they were all out of bed.. the children didn't answer and neither did I. I resisted the urge to also draw on the table.

I can be a petty bitch when it suits me. I also think the other carer would be fine if she had her toothache fixed, a little backbone installed so she didn't find it necessary to tell me stories on how she lies to her husband about smoking and money and elocution lessons wouldn't go astray. Use those vowels baby and it is not necessary to use your nasal drawl when speaking.

Carer then decided the children could all go outside. It was freezing today. Ok .. so freezing still in the + temperatures - but us tropical people don't do cold so good. I wanted to say no. But of course I dared not too. I need the money. So I made my kids run and jump, follow me on the fort and down the slippery slide and put two pairs of socks on the kids that had no shoes and wiped noses like a crazy woman.

I adore the children. I am the new person in the workplace. I should learn my place and let them continue to step all over me and ask me to do three things at once and their duties and not complain when they ask me to cover for them. I should be grateful I have full time permanent when many have been there longer and don't.

But oddly enough - really all it makes me think is... you are such a slacker Melissa. Go back into the real workforce.. do what you do...

I almost typed.. do what you do best.. but that isn't true to me. I adore loving these kids. I love every second that they tell me the colours, the sounds, the numbers and the animals. I love the hugs and kisses and hand holding and just the gentle observations they make. There isn't one kid in that room I wouldn't happily bring home tomorrow. (My wildcat I would have to move a lot of stuff for).

I get tired of other peoples stupidity. I also find my life dreadfully busy when I don't do paid work. I get tired of the good people being trod on and the stupid getting their own way. I am not saying other carer is stupid or any of those things. I just think.. maybe this is just a means to kicking me in the butt to go find a real job. I got annoyed at the sign that said "Saftey" and changed it to "Safety". I alphabetically organised the kids charts. Because I cant find them any other way. I clashed with another carer when one child was upset and she wouldnt let me intervene because it was a challenge of authority.... but in reality the child had a bottle and the carer hadnt given it to her.. of course the child was upset. There is a sign on the wall that is meant to map our day.. I try follow that. But the other carers ... all say the sign on the wall is wrong and therefore the children should remain on their beds for 2 and a half hours.

I am new. I cant tell anyone (even ever so politely) to fuck off. I cant take 5+ children into a bathroom with 5 toilets, four child sized basins and four soap dispensers, one adult sized basin and one moveable soap dispenser and a change table. I simply cant do that. Not safely. And if I cant do it safely I aint doing it.

I had an awful day at work. And - at almost go home time.. a dear little fellow asked me to pick him up - and of course I did. Diarrhoea.... it soaked threw all my clothes. My cardigan my shirt and my shorts. I was meant to go to a committee meeting. I rang and begged that if quorum was reached.. to apologise for me. I was saved by the bell.

Then of course - Anna forgot her jumper for work and MOTH didn't want to go and get dinner even though he had to go out anyway.....and Will had school soccer ....

I dont think I am gunna cut it at the new job. Best I seek something else. Which is a shame really - I thought I was loving it. But after deleting half of what I have written so as to not... be mean to people I do .. have to interact with.... The person who attempted the "disciplinary action" at my two cigarette breaks has more herself for goodness sake.

I will just have to wait for them to fire me. I am not going to go outside in the cold because they say I have to. I might run my kids around the yard twice and go back into the heating. They wont be cold because the other carers think it is easier on the cleaning. I will take my two two minute breaks because I dont have two ten minute breaks like everyone else.

If they annoy me any more I will do it naked.

Winter shopping

The cold has set in. Our nights fall to around 12-15C and the days are only 21-25C.

In case I have that wrong - here is the link to our daily temperatures.

I don't actually read it. I decide it is cold when I need a cardigan and socks.

Yesterday we did the essential winter shopping for new cardigans, shoes, socks and sleepwear. Anna came happily and William was dragged under protest. Actually - he managed to complain in complete silence so we left him at the video game shop for a few hours alone.

Lunch was nice - baby octopus, prawns, garlic pizza, fetta, olives, sausage and chicken kebabs. We gave William a ham sandwich and he was none the wiser.



Today - Will rushed off to friends and Anna attended work and then cheerleading at basketball. I taxied. MOTH left at sparrowfart to navigate The Narrows and seek crabs and fish. Jane rang twice to tell me what she planned to do with her.. different holiday arrangements. I did laundry and half cleaned the house, cooked lasagna, roast beef and some stuff for the dogs to save time next week. When MOTH got home he started eating the food I was cooking for the dogs. FOR GOODNESS SAKE ASK! Mind you, of course the food was all originally intended for human consumption it is just not the point. I count the dogs proportions so they don't fight. Actually - I do the same for the humans too.

Oldest daughter Sara sent me two bottles of scotch on Friday night. That was a lovely gesture on her behalf. I don't know quite what motivated her. Probably me bitching I hadn't been paid - but shortly afterwards my pay did come threw. Or the fact Jane wont elaborate what makes her do... what she does to give us the simplest form of ability to understand her motivation...frustrates both Sara and myself. And maybe better - the fact her siblings... misadventures completely highlight the fact I over reacted 7 years ago to Sara's behaviour as a teenager. The oldest probably does always cop the worst.

All my girls are beautiful. Sara has to work too hard and has more responsibilities than I want her to have - nothing can change that. (Well no, she could move here and have a few of them shared with her family but she would rather hell freeze over than do that and I understand) ..Anna is spoilt rotten and cant see past the ME ME ME... but can be compassionate and caring if the event is dramatic enough.... and Jane just treads a path she cant possibly want to tread but will anyway. It is going to be very difficult for Jane and her father to suddenly become a day girl after 3 + years of boarding. He isn't there early in the mornings, and Jane is not the easiest person to motivate to school even if you are there wide awake and holding something designed to threaten. Catching a bus for almost two hours a day isn't going to be enjoyable. Assignments and tests where a drama in the past with the best support... She has bit off heaps this time.

MOTH and I drank one bottle of Sara's scotch last night. We watched the movie "Eight Below" but the combination of the scotch, my weak... whatever it is and the terrible story meant that I started my ridiculous shaking and had to get MOTH to take me to bed before the ending. I was so upset I wasn't sure I could navigate my way down the hallway to bed.

I watched the ending tonight with Anna and we both cried. What where they thinking? That is so not a Disney movie. I love Disney. That was just demented and ridiculously sad and horrid! I noticed other reviewers said it was wonderful and great for children. But I cried and cried!

I put the bubble machine on for Dotti today for ages and watched her play. (Rocky is scared of the bubble machine - Dotti thinks its a million balls and tries to catch them all... always looking a little confused that they taste of washing up liquid and cant be caught)Watching her be an idiot made me happier.

We were going to go and buy new dirt for the new garden MOTH built me - but decided the day had gone too quickly and that we could wait till next week. And after all I had cleaned the floors.

Everything is going to be ok. When Jane was little I used to say.. she will either be a Nobel prize winner or the next uni-bomber. Sara is doing fine.. she just forgets how incredibly gorgeous she is. And impatient with me because she hardly knows me really. Anna - is capable of being a complete bitch but she is just so darn beautiful doing it!? And I forget - this was the deal for Anna - just do your OP (Higher school certificate) and do it as well as you can and you can play all you like. I just forget that when it's very late and I am waiting for her to come home. And Anna knows me probably better than anyone. William is just happy so long as he isn't being dragged clothes shopping and can play. He doesn't want to discuss his health problems and is only unhappy if he thinks we are.

A hell of a funny post - albiet with some reality to us

Ok - because my last post was so boring.. I ask you all to peek at this...

Because at least it is funny!

Yet another drama

Jane (daughter no3) "self harmed" again.

When I got home from work Tuesday there was a message from Jane to ring her casual workplace and let them know she was available for the holidays. I am not terribly fond of talking on the telephone - and told Anna (daughter no2) to ring Jane and let her know that she would have to ride her bike, catch the bus or use taxi's to get to work because I am working full time and no longer available at their demand. The phone call went a little "screwy" in that Anna was blunt to her sister... and the call was definitely not a loving call between sisters. MOTH also gave his two cents as Jane argued she was not riding a bike to work - and Anna relayed the information that Jane called him a "dickhead". Jane then hung up on her end after telling Anna she wouldn't come home at all. I was cooking dinner and listening but deciding not to participate in the argument. I guess hindsight's a beautiful thing and I should of taken the phone off Anna and talked to Jane myself. I felt tired and didn't want to argue with anyone.. or disappoint Jane with this information that is fact - when Mummy works - she cant play taxi and be ready to prepare uniforms at five minutes notice. I have no excuse for my apathy. I just.. didn't bother.

I did feel hurt Jane wasn't coming home at all. I felt that was mean - ok I cant do what she wants me to do but punishing me by not coming home at all to me felt mean.

It is a funny adjustment this family has. When I don't work - we have very little spare money. When I do work - the family has extra duties and responsibilities - dinner is late, washing is done at midnight, I leave notes for the kids to do the washing up and lifts to and fro - don't occur. I reckon the world over.. knows this stuff.

So .. I waffled again.

Kids sperm donor rang last night - absolutely blasted Anna on the phone - our telephone conversation had caused Jane to cut her skin again with a blade. Anna was in tears as she relayed what he said ... he had tore into her.. threatening MOTH with bodily harm, blaming us on Jane's misadventure...

I immediately rang the hospital. The nurse at emergency told me Jane had been admitted less than three minutes ago and she would have to call me back. So.. I waited. She called back and told me that the boarding school Jane attends had instructed her that she was only to talk to the father. I was LIVID.

There are no legal constraints - I am on the emergency contact list for boarding school at number 2.

I very impolitely just hung up. The truth is.. I don't trust myself when I am that cranky and will do that on a telephone. If I say what I really think it will get me in further trouble.

I rang a friend who I knew would do her best to find out what had happened. At that stage I didn't know if Jane had really.. harmed herself or if it was just another scratching at herself to... I have no idea why she would cut herself. I just know shes being admitted to emergency and no one will talk to me.

Jane drew blood this time with the scratches. That is still all I know. She is home at her fathers. She has been expelled from boarding and plans to attend as a day girl now. We discussed the possibility of her coming home and attending a local school here. She seems concerned that isn't what the rest of the family wants. She is only going to spend one week this holidays with us. She has to visit specialist doctors (read shrinks) next week.

But here is what happened via email from the dear boarding school. For Jane's sake and no others I am going to erase the names.

I sent this last night when I was told I was not allowed to have information due to the directive of the boarding supervisor.

From: Melissa
Sent: Wednesday, 13 June 2007 9:39 PM
To:
Subject: Jane



The head of boarding tonight informed the Yeppoon hospital not to give me any information on the welfare of my daughter Jane Blank.



Ironic that I must be listed somewhere as in the past it is me who has been rang for other incidents and me who has had to travel to be at Jane's assistance. Heck - boarding has rang ME before to get the money for Jane's travel when her father hasn't paid it.



Jane's father rang her sixteen year old sister to tell her that somehow her telephone conversation with Jane last night is to blame for a serious self harm condition that has resulted in her being hospitalised.



I was present at this end of the conversation with Anna and Jane on the telephone. The conversation was relating to her holiday employment and the unavailability of myself to drive Jane to her workplace during the working hours.



And your school refuses me to even contact my daughter? Or to be told the extent of her injuries?



I hope none of you ever ring a hospital frantic with worry about your daughter and be told we cant give you any information because some stranger from boarding says only tell the father.



Melissa

The reply I got today after work was this.. and I must say it absolutely infuriated me.

From: blank
To: melchri@aapt.net.au
Sent: Thursday, June 14, 2007 11:57 AM
Subject: FW: Jane


Dear Ms Collins,



I am in receipt of your email regarding your daughter Jane’s hospitalization last night.



There seems to be a few misunderstandings. We did not instruct Hospital staff not to speak to you. Mrs Blank, our Head of Boarding, was nearby when a nurse took your call. When Mrs Blank was told you had phoned, she simply remarked that we had already contacted Jane’s father because he is the parent with whom we mainly communicate. We felt it was his prerogative to contact other family members.



We know nothing of any family conversations that may have occurred, so I feel it inappropriate for me to comment on these matters.



We have had many anxious moments with Jane and are, indeed, very worried about her welfare. Blank Blank herself spent nearly five hours last night dealing with Jane’s situation.



My staff work very hard in very difficult circumstances at times – and deserve respect and support.



Blankety Blank

Principal




Which infuriated me enough to respond with this.... (I deserve an award.. you should of seen what I first wrote they could stick four dozen horny goats covered in ticks and fleas and where)

What an incredibly insulting and rude reply! I am Jane's MOTHER - I am on the list of emergency contacts. There is absolutely no reason why I should of been treated so rudely last night. I had no idea of the extent of Jane's injuries until 10pm when a family friend was able to contact Jane. Your staff might have stopped to think for a moment that Jane's father happens to be a horse trainer and is asleep early in the evenings.

I do respect the fact Mrs. Blank was present at my daughter's incident and am glad that Jane had someone familiar with her - but you seem to be overlooking the fact Mrs. Blank is paid staff. I am her mother - the only information we had was that Jane had cut herself and was being taken to the emergency room at Yeppoon and a very (understandably) upset reaction from her father to Jane's sister. There was no other information.

I am on the emergency contacts list, have been since she started at the school and the only possible reason for me to not be able to ring my own daughter would be if Jane had of requested that herself.

Hospital staff clearly stated that only the father was able to receive information on the instruction of the school.

I acknowledge that Jane's treatment for her current behavioural episodes would be further detrimented by any animosity I bear for the actions of last night. But I absolutely reiterate the fact I should of been allowed contact with my daughter and the hospital and that the school had no legal reason or right to deny it to me.

Melissa

Right. So yet another episode that thwarts my dreams of happiness for ever and ever with the perfect family.. but hasn't stopped me one second believing it will happen.

I hope you were sensible enough to go read something funny.

I LOVE funny.

A Tuesday night

Anna and I spent the night together in her bed... with the heater (we call it the Sun because Dotti the wonderdog treats it as the sun inside) and we both agreed we scared each other on how our emotions and words got so carried away. We cried at Law and Order together and giggled at Sex in the City.

All is good.

When she came to Kindy today to tell me she had found her phone I was cuddling small children. She told me she didnt like that. I understand that. And I feel - content again with my beautiful family.

The phones been found!

With a dramatic twist ... Anna has her phone back. One of her "friends" stole it. And - somehow the grapevine got hold of that information and Anna has her phone. She has agreed to curtail her party activities for a little while.

I didnt even listen as she rattled off her plans to buy a second phone to take to parties.

Terrible two's are nothing - wait for teenage girls!

Actually - choosing the title for this story isn't easy!


This photo was taken of me and my beautiful baby girls in 1992. Back in the horrid days of film camera where if you messed it up - you just messed it up. You couldn't take 300 of one thing. Sigh.

But I like this photo. Photo's of all the girls are rare in my album. See little Sara - with Anna on her knee? She was like their second mother - clucking and fussing over them. I used to watch in horror really - so much work for her, she so young and me telling her to watch her sisters, hold them, don't let them eat that and she took delight in playing "mother" to her sisters. She lived with her father and grandmother in Jugiong - for many reasons 98% of them considered to be the best move for her at that time. We would fly her up school holidays almost every time. The only times we didn't where when I couldn't find the finances to do it. (My three younger children have a different father to Sara)

So there is fifteen years of water under the bridge now. Some of the water was gorgeous and wonderful, some murky and unclear and some fucking tsunami proportions. Just excuse my terrible language - I feel perfectly okay to sit on the roof and just swear all the most awful words I know randomly. Good thing to me its cold outside today.

Yeah - I know - stop waffling on and tell why I am so wild.

When Sara went to Stella Maris (girls school in Manly) I felt sorry for her in that many girls at that school had money (and her parents where peasants and she attended the school at the good grace of her paternal aunt) - and so I went and got her a mobile phone exactly the same as mine. So this is 8 years ago? About that. I was warned this was a bad idea. But I figured I couldn't do much for her so far away for me and this would help her in the "prestige" stakes. I was after all once a teenager myself and understood that. The plan it was on should not of cost more than $40 a month - however Sara's first bill was $250. I rang her immediately.. cease and desist.. I understood the thrill being too much.. and she assured me it would be... curtailed. I understood too because I had the exact same phone and plan and even mine was a naughty $70. And then Sara's next bill was $250 too. Alarm bells started ringing. Then I would try ring her and a strange boy would answer the phone and hang up on me! When the bill totalled $750 I rang the phone company.. cancelled the contract (ie agreed to pay the $1000 to finalise it) and let it go.

My mobile phone is the exact same mobile phone from that ancient plan.

Daughter no2 has had a mobile phone for the past three years too. Cheapies ran on prepaid credit.. no lock in bills etc. Anna has been... not a great deal of trouble to me usually. We have certainly had "incidents" but generally Anna and I share lots of laughs and secrets. We bitch like friends instead of mother and daughter. We fight and argue like friends (usually) instead of mother and daughter. She can make me understand even her most dreadful actions.

BUT - add dramatic scary music here.

Anna told me that the "best" deals for phones where all on contract... and kept up this argument for quite some time. I explained to her that I had already fallen for the contract deal with her sister.. and that I didn't want to incur a debt that made me feel so bitter again.

Anna persisted in her clever arguments. She argued she had her own income. She argued she was responsible with money. She argued that I could trust her. She argued she wasn't Sara. She argued that it made better $ sense.

And I gave in. And the day before Anna left to the Pink concert - I signed for a phone thingy that had Internet and camera and video etc... for my dear baby No 2. And off she went for her adventure. Home she came as happy as can be.

And then.. suddenly.. with no warning... Anna and I had a terrible terrible fight. I wanted to watch tv in her room. (MOTH likes to watch awful shows so when he does I go watch tv with her) She told me how dreadful I was and how I made her entire life miserable and everything was my fault - and the fight started when she proclaimed she wanted to drop out of school? And that everyone Else's parents had nice cars and didn't turn up daggy anywhere and that feeding children strange and somewhat exotic vegetables (bok choy) could be classed as cruelty. And I had consumed a few wines - so she cleverly added that the wine makes me a complete bitch... and I guess I am so used to being belittled.. I copped my wounds from her words squarely and went to bed very sad and upset. She left for school early Tuesday.. leaving me a note... the mobile phone was broken and I had to ring the company to give them my drivers license as confirmation as to who i was for the insurance claim.

I was so .. flabbergasted? She had led me into a useless fight about nothing that did nothing but bewilder and frighten me. And while I nursed my tear sore eyes and swollen nose... and read her note... she had FUCKING broken the brand new phone... and chose instead to be on the offensive rather than the defensive...

I had wonderful visitors and so had to downplay my hurt a little... and yet I felt so bloody stupid. My girlfriend, Moth and even Sara had warned me this was a stupid move on my part. And eventually two weeks later my insurance claim was processed and a replacement phone came.

So - Ok we move on. More water under the bridge and no time to feed the ducks and admire the lillie's.

Very early Saturday morning Anna arrives home from a party I wasn't all that keen on her going to - covered in a blanket with her clothes all wet wearing someone Else's clothes. And her friend.. is definitely ill.. (Simone) and MOTH's a little irritated... and I calm him down with.. oh for heavens sake you were young once too.. they are home safe.. all is well.

This very Saturday I was invited (three hours before I should add - no one ever remembers me) to a party at one of the few friends I have locally. A bloody Tupperware party. Kelly is one of my most lovely friends.. but a bloody Tupperware party! But I think - heck its an excuse to drink bubbles during the day. And I did break her ski tube.

I don't get many excuses to go out by myself with adults and have a drink during the day like that. And I quickly make some chicken meatballs and wings... and rock on over. To a room full of women I don't know except the host and my long term friend Meg. One or two I have seen before but I don't know. No one introduces me to anyone. But I am feeling brave. I am gunna enjoy myself.

At the first excuse I can see I clear out of the room where the demonstration of plastic crap for the kitchen is going on. (After I ate all the anchovy olives - I love them)Anyway - the women were LOVELY. We giggled and laughed.. swapped stories.. slipped down our glasses of bubbles in a ridiculous fashion.. told jokes... exchanged phone numbers, discussed SUITABLE excuses for parties.. (ie - none) rather than come buy stuff you don't want... I am on A ROLL BABY. I AM LAUGHING AND HAVING FUN... I have already decided Mahli, Kathy and Joy No2 are keepers for friends. They are funny and nice - and have nothing stuck up their backsides to make them mean.

One thing happened that wasnt so nice. I was talking to Mahli about drafting and engineers and boring stuff like pdf-ing maps I guess... and it must of bored my friend Meg. So suddenly.. she said "I just cant picture Mel working in CHILDCARE" and she proceeded to laugh for .. what felt like an abnormally long amount of time. She ended her very long laugh.. with.. "I am sorry I must sound like a real bitch". I said what I could... "Nah - tis ok... I am sure you could say worse".

But - her actions did hurt... but Mahli seemed to miss them other than the quizzical face of hers at Meg's laughter.. so it had to be ok?

And then Anna arrived. She was hungover.. I knew that. But I didnt expect her to be so ungracious and rude as I introduced her to my new found friends. She snarled at me to go home. She barely acknowledged my introductions to the ladies. She kept insisting I had had almost two hours so therefore it was time for me to go home. Nope. I wanted to stay. MOTH took Anna and Meg home. And he came back. And I kept playing till I couldnt play anylonger.

I walked back inside and hollared at Anna.. why the heck was she so rude. And she went back for me.. why the heck cant I just go home I had been told I only had two hours etc. The fight esculated as I said.. no way I am the adult if I want to have fun I can...and it soon got out of hand - utterly out of hand where in we were so mean to each other it was rediculous... and I said.. thats it .. go then - live with your father if I am so awful.. and she said.. I am off to Madisons.

Good then.

She rang at 7 am Sunday morning and said do I come home or stay at Madison's. I said.. "Come home I guess... yes.. for goodness sake come home."

We stayed cool to each other last night. And I really hurt. My beautiful baby was mad at me because I had the hide to want to stay out longer than two hours... and I felt really really bad.

Tonight she told me.. on the Friday night she went out and came home with her vomit ridden clothes that she dumped at the front steps and someone elses blanket and bad temper for me.... she lost the goddamn phone. I dont think I want to do another insurance claim on this phone. Its less than two weeks since we got the replacement. My insurance record is almost perfect.. I have made one claim in 1989 and I wasnt at fault.

For Joy, Moth and Sara who can all tell me "I told you so"... I thank you all so much for not saying it.

Signed... Mel the dumbass.

Full time - permanent

It has been raining every day this week. This week is my third week into the childcare work foray - and rain is a trying time for carers and children.

Today - as I patted one almost sleeping child's back and cuddled another, the director of the centre offered me full time permanent work in the same room I have been for the past two weeks. As the snuggling child twiddled my hair (into a giant bloody knot I should add) while I patted the almost sleeping child... there was no other reply. I couldn't of said no for any reason.

So - there we have it. My bad temper and frustration and lack of cooperation with the job market has ended. I am once again, gainfully employed.

Did I tell you these children like Mozart and we all like to lay near the window and watch the rain? We are made for each other really. And it is a no contest on who it is easier to work for - two year olds or lawyers.

We are fans of Ian Wright... however

It rained on the weekend - so our adventures on the water didnt happen. Instead we gardened!(And soccer and endless taxiing and girlfriends and wine and.... nothing out of the ordinary)

But.... MOTH and I have always been fans of Ian Wright. He is just so like able? And MOTH's surname is Wright.. so we get a little kick out of that too. And we were watching him back when we lived in Brisbane when we had cable there too.. so its been a long time thing.

Anyway.. so we are watching his show on Cambodia tonight.. admiring the view and horrified at the... stuff...and MOTH says.. "What a lucky bastard.. he gets paid to do this shit." I agree.

The MOTH says "I hope the bastard doesn't have a wife and family then.. that would be too much!" .. and I went errrr....

I noted to myself it was early and he was still quite sober.

I said to MOTH - "Don't you mean it the other way around and you hope the bastard does have a wife and family?"

He said "NO - the bastard cant have EVERYTHING!"

I found that terribly ... romantic and loving. I suddenly felt very humble and undeserving. I certainly turned over in my head what we will do to look after MOTH when we have sent him completely mad.

When he fell asleep I did Google.. and Ian Wright does have a wife and family! If anyone tells MOTH that.. I swear I will slap you and not worry about the assault charge.