Self harm

Reader skip this one - I will tread (wade slosh whateva) into it in the utter most indulgent waffling. It is my pain, my blog and my life. If I want to... feel it my way.. just indulge me and go look at the pretty pictures I have posted earlier.

Amidst the busy and sometimes hectic (but wonderful) frenzy of long time friends visiting and playtime on the water - critter watching and evenings of talk, wine and laughter.... other stuff occurred.

My local friends still needed to have respite (coffee and or wine), volunteer activities to attend to, endless taxiing of Anna and Will - four soccer games for Will in one week alone. My own insecurities/madnesses/financial worries.. my partners selflessness but yet again his need to indulge a little too... life just goes on... no matter how many times you wish it could just slow to your pace. I so need that rewind button. I am way behind. I have a list of things I have to attend to.

On Mothers Day my youngest daughter Jane "self harmed" for the second time. She did this once before... in Year 8. She, umm.. cut her arms... near her wrists... It was very shallow cuts - but of course boarding school rang me and I went and got her older sister from school... and we drove straight up. Their father came as soon as his work commitments allowed and he was really really worried. It was suggested to me that my... instant reaction to indulge wasnt fantastic. I took Jane home and just... cooked for her and painted her toenails and took her to feed the ducks. Hey - it hurts like crazy. I dont want my babies to hurt. I can do their hurt. I can protect them.

But sometimes I dont have the money. I dont have the answers.

There is always two sides to every story. And sometimes mine isnt the completely correct one. I just think it is because its my tears and my pain. Sperm donor... does care for his kids. He just sucks at ... lol.. ok lets leave it there.... But that first time was freaky enough. Sperm Donor gave me a mouthful because the.. self harm threatening comes from my side of the family (not me - dont worry - I dont know if I am willing to go to that story ever... but.. suffice to say...) he can quite rightly say "This is shit from your side of the family not mine!" and I have to agree with that. I have lived with the implication of self harm or the incidence of self harm for a long long time.

You have to worry about this stuff. My baby cut up her wrists, stomach and ankles. I cant tell you what with. Or why. I REALLY didnt ask her any of that. I simply couldnt. Weeks before Mothers day she told me she couldnt make it home because she had made other commitments. I was somewhat annoyed... but decided to just let it go. This house is tiny - money is always tight and there are a million other things for her to experience... so its all ok. I got annoyed again a few days before when I rang to check she didnt want to come... because our friends had decided to stay longer.. and I thought.. well if Jane's plans have fallen through.. she would love to come see them...... Jane... annoyed me on the phone with new plans about visiting a friend in hospital with depression. I cut the phone call short (some can read that as I hung up) .. didnt check my messages as well as I should of on Mothers day... DID know she sent one .... but missed the after ones.

My baby Jane has told people I dont feed her, dont love her, that I have battered and bashed her, dont cover her school books.......(that one really irks me... I have ALWAYS done the battle with contact times 30 for the little kids and I hate it so much)... and unfortunately for both of us.. she has managed to tell the craziest of people this rubbish. Damage control hasn't been easy. She can never explain to me what made her make the accusations in the first place. My other daughters - can make me understand even the maddest things they do.

I told two family members what happened... that was a bit of a mistake. One reacted well. The other didnt. In saying that... I also acknowledge that that person thought she was doing the "best" thing. Her offer to take our daughter 1700kms away from us.. was in the best of intentions. Complete fucking madness but the best of intentions.

Anyways - I guess I lost. Ultimately - my fight to not have Jane drugged.. didnt win. This time I didnt get the chance to argue. She has both anti depressants and sleeping tablets. An incredible waste of energy and arguments on my side. Just as I never believed Jane had attention deficit disorder - I dont believe she has depression either. But again I am more than happy to be wrong.

Jane has always been a little hard to handle. She managed to get kicked out of day care. I was told by a child care centre.. you attend a parenting class or we wont take your kids. She set fire to one house on two separate occasions. She painted the side of one of our houses with boot polish. She destroyed the upstairs carpet of a friends house with nailpolish and embossing ink once. Her chemistry experiments almost sunk our house. The stink was pretty bad too.

When my kids where toddlers I had a lot to deal with. That is no excuse. None. The two people I loved most and should of helped me ... fought. My son firstly had apneo and then the bone tumours. Jane developed asthma. I was the bad one amongst all of this. Because I just.... did what I had too. Basically I felt if the kids were alive at the end of the day I had done my job.

Jane (Ben) Stand up - hands alone.. the smartest of my four kids. But this week has been awful because I have tried to.. and not managed.. to not be self indulgent. I don't understand why Jane would cut herself. I don't understand half or more of the mad things she and my... network? sometimes friends sometimes down right idiots sometimes complete fuckwits... my family member who said.. just let me take her... ahhh I am wild. Absolutely... same family member couldn't stand up for me and never stood near me... same family member that I love... madly....

I am utterly devastated but haven't really had a chance to cry. Sperm donor is being a dickhead telling the kids that its all my fault. I will take the hereditary stuff. That is true. No one from his family ever threatened self harm... Normally sperm donor and I get on fine. He thinks I chased him for money with this bloody crap from the CSA.....the only reason it came about was because he lodged a tax return that had a huge profit...... I got a bill for it. He doesn't deserve to be treated badly but he reacts badly.

And almost always life doesn't let me react.

I cant react by going and bring Jane home. I want to, but her siblings are better off when she is at school. Sperm donor did the right thing. I understand he never wants to give me money and that is fine.

But when sperm donor said to Anna.. I am not talking to your mother... and i felt like my heart was breaking again, and I can barely have contact....

You cant fix the mistakes of the past. I dont and never will understand why Jane self harms.

I am mad as hell. I am also affected by alcohol.