Cant make this post sound sane... it isnt

It has been a very odd time. My reactions to my youngest daughter's actions are far from perfect. There are occasions I can be compassionate and eager to find solutions... and other times when I have to compete with my own blind fury at her actions (most notably the cutting herself but there are other incidents of self injury .. it could make me rave on forever) and stop myself from shouting at her "You bloody IDIOT!"

A couple of occasions I have indeed blurted those words. And although I regret them for the hurt it causes her.. I still meant them?

A horrid night wherein one of our verbal arguments led me to tell her to move to her fathers.... to which she accepted... and I think both of us immediately regretted but neither could back down.

I went fishing with MOTh early the next morning and wished I knew how to use the new mobile phone texting thingimigig... I wanted to text her sisters to convince Jane to change her mind.

Life continues to be busy... and mostly happy. But it is head banging how Jane keeps making decisions that make no sense and have no logic and can be so absolutely terrifying.

In an effort to win friends and influence people she told people at school she was bisexual. Jane hasn't got a clue about her sexuality yet - she thought it sounded cool. It means she has to endure further ridicule at school. She is using the family drawer money (money that is for bus fare and milk or bread or urgent supplies while we are at work) to buy tuck shop instead of packing lunch meaning that her siblings have no access to these funds. She lays on her bed or the sofa and refuses to do chores until I get home from work prompting huge arguments with her siblings. They accuse her of assaults and deceits.... They strike and or dissent in their own ways.

MOTH feels challenged because my attention isn't being spread to the levels it should be. I am annoyed when I get home and the house is a mess and I am not putting my usual effort into cooking for my family. My efforts towards our personal life are pretty lacking too. Sometimes I just go straight to my room with the dogs and beg for privacy from the human family.

I sometimes feel odd as I walk home tired from work and realise that my normal reaction to being home - elated and relieved and happy has been replaced by fear and a desire to turn around and walk back to work.

I dont understand why Jane was put on such a strong anti depressant in the first place. (She has taken herself off it three times now and this time I have again decided.. no drugs)

I THINK that Jane decided to become depressed because she was impressed by the attention a fellow student was receiving who suffered depression. I cant MAKE Jane exercise. I cant MAKE her feed the ducks, go for a swim or a boat ride, listen to music and talk crap for hours with a great friend or take joy out of the little things in life that can make you so happy. She claims the cutting herself is because she finds herself unattractive and fat. She cannot lose weight lying on the sofa or bed. It is very hard to look attractive with slices all over your body. She can have moments of being a wonderful loving daughter who can make me laugh and make me proud of her.

She can send me into a blind fury where I want to slap her.. and hard. She can take apathy and laziness into levels never even thought of before. I can offer her my debit card to walk into town and buy the clothes she claims she needs and cannot seem to launder herself or remember to put in with mine and her siblings every evening... and she wont ever take the offer up. Tells other people how horrid I am that I refuse to drive her.

My car is actually in the shop being fixed. I forget what is wrong with it. It is expensive anyway. A gasket or something like that.

And if you tell me or any other member of my family.... here is the money - go get your new stuff but you have to walk maybe a kilometre to get it.. you wont see us for dust! Martyrdom doesn't sit very well with me. It can however send me into a fury.

And her sadness just kills me. Her cuts just hurt me. Her belief she is not beautiful absolutely sends me insane. Her life indoors; the every single morning battle to get her out of bed and go to school; Anna and William getting wild at her.... MOTH losing his temper with my not doing anything about it.... It is simply very very hard. I cant force her.. I am a little frightened of her myself.

We are dogsitting a friends dog at the moment. Surprisingly, Jane seems to enjoy looking after this dog. I have had to treat all three dogs for ticks and fleas...Poor Joe was rotten infested with both and my friends seemed to think a cheap treatment would work.....

This dog is not used to life as one of us... and is nervous but excited at living where ever he wants... The owners did tell me not to let him inside for more than an hour a day.... but what the heck where they thinking? So Joe has endured two baths and one expensive flea and tick treatment. My dogs have taught him that there is no need to flee from humans and infact the place for all dogs to stand sit or lay is in fact.. directly where you think the humans could be wanting to be. Joe has learnt beds and sofas are definately better than the holes he dug in the backyard to sleep in. Joe dug out all the aloes from out the front garden in the first few days. He made a bed out of what we call the paper plants out the back. But now he just sleeps on the sofa. Or with Jane. Jane spent the first few days protecting him from our dogs who dont mind a good dog fight.

Anyway - the kids at work make me forget all of this for a little. We paint and playdoh, we toilet train and we miss heaps, we pull faces and we delight in bugs and flying insects, we laugh and we cry; we count and we can name colours & shapes sometimes...the kids copy me when I say "Oh dear, oh dear" and it makes me roar and soar laughing.... I pat their backs to make them sleep and later if they think I am sad or angry they try to pat my back....and I love every second of them. When it creeps into my head one day they will be teenagers I make myself think of something else.

I have also taught them all to tell me that I am a very good singer.

Thank Dog for small children.