A delightful end to my holiday

My intentions for these four days taken off work were honorable. I had every intention of completing my studies. I was going to paint all the trims brilliant and clean white. I was going to spring clean and be industrious and get all those niggly little things I want to get done... done... Ten days of getting things into order.

But I wrote myself that list.... and I guess I never really got past No 15 - drink wine, eat food and be entertained by my friends.

After Easter I thought with MOTH at work and William at school I would move onto the more serious parts of my list.

Instead I had coffee with Meg for morning tea, then lunches - Tuesday I cooked, Wednesday Chinese, Thursday Tapas at Chattin' Cafe with Kelly and Meg and Friday Yummy Noodles with Meg and Jill on Meg's veranda. Yesterday I prepared nibblies for Simona's hens night and attended for a little while. MOTH and I snuck out early (of course MOTH wasn't at the hen's party; that was downstairs -he was upstairs with the hosts husband) because we had no children at home and I am not very comfortable around strangers.

So - today was my last chance. And MOTH was annoyed with me that I wouldn't come boating with him early this morning. I did the washing and pulled out all my books and paper for study.

Yesterday it rained - glorious hard rain that melted the heat and smelt so delicious. So William and Damien of course went to the mudflats to play. We would too if we were 14-13. But three times those boys came home muddied and wet... so I had stuff to attend to here. The back ramp and laundry covered in mud. Urgent washing.

So - there I was being a good mummy/student/housewife type person. And I was feeling hungry and reluctant to cook something for one person. And no kids to grab and buy something and go feed the ducks. And as I hung out the washing there were hundreds of tiny yellow and huge black butterflies. Green tree frogs in the hippiastrums. The sky was blue and the sun felt wonderful.

So I called MOTH and asked him to pick me up from the boat ramp in front of the Yacht Club. He was about to come home - but was pleased I decided to join him. I said I would pick up takeout for lunch - and he indicated he wasn't all that hungry. I changed my mind on the drive to the ramp and went to the seafood shop instead and just bought oysters and prawns. And rushed down to the boat ramp to meet MOTH and Rocky the wonderdog.

The harbour was lovely today and we went over to Facing Island. While looking for a suitable place to eat our picnic we followed the four wheel drive track signed to The Oaks. I managed to fall over in a shallow long puddle of mud. My camera was rescued and the mud felt wonderful.

Some of our walk included walking past peoples yards... and kangaroos were plentiful. They bounded off when they spotted Rocky - who has to be the worst hunter on earth. I think they would have to tap him on the shoulder for him to notice them. (You can click on the photo to make it larger)
We walked the one lane roads of mud, the rocky beach and the sandy beach to find our picnic spot.
And we chose a shady cave that had fresh roo prints - they too appreciate some shade and comfort!
The little cave was a perfect spot - but I guess if we wanted it again we would need to take advantage of the very low tide today.
The three of us enjoyed our little island jaunt - and then headed over to Rat Island to see what we could see. The water is amazing and clear - and little fish everywhere. Just non stop looking and being enthralled. Another thing... just like listening to the song "Amazing Grace" (or for me "My Immortal - Evanescence can do the same thing).. that can make me teary and get a lump in my throat. It has NOTHING to do with religion.. it's an appreciation of beauty.

(OK - that appears to have come from nowhere but... my friend Tom challenged me in an email that perhaps I was religious because the damn song makes me cry - because I do sometimes display a distaste for religion and also my beautiful, caring, amazing friend Hope indicated I was rude and dismissive of her beliefs.. and I probably should discuss these issues but in the selfish light of the glow of my holiday - couldn't do it now. For the latter I am truly sorry - I really always believed I was too smart/clever/compassionate to allow anyone to feel that. I DO value other peoples beliefs and respect them. I simply don't share them.)
The water gives me endless pleasure. The seabirds. The resourcefulness of the critters. MOTH's willingness to take me where I want to go and so tolerant of my refusal to go when he asks me too and then accept my demand to be taken out. The ability to waste an entire afternoon with barely any conversation.
So - the holiday is over. And I did nothing but stroll through the sales, giggle with friends, eat, watch the garden and the critters, play with dogs, lay on the beds with magazines and books (I didn't finish reading any of them) cook, attend the dentist, the optometrist and the hairdresser and be indulgent at all three, arrange photos of my daughters and have whimsical dreams about their futures.

And tomorrow I get to sing and dance with two year olds, receive and give cuddles and make lots of mess and noise. I am 40 years old in July. It is about time I regained the ambitious me..... It is just she is so hopelessly distant from me. I just think.. play with the kids all week - have to pick up Anna, Shawn and Jane on Saturday - and Sunday.... go play! I just spent most of my savings in ten days. Without any major purchases. Just services and repairs.

Yet I feel ridiculously happy. Guiltily so. Oh well - there are Tim-tams hidden in the fridge. I am off.

The OTHER secret

Because I have a damn big mouth when it comes to secrets (I cant even be trusted to buy presents for any occasion more than the day before - ask anyone who knows me... it is true - I have given my kids bikes a month before their birthday/Christmas just because I cannot keep a secret like that).... I was just damned lucky Anna had her big/little drama last week with Shawn.

To my beautiful Anna... anything that affects her is at least as big as Chernobyl.. she is however MARVELLOUSLY my daughter.

The REAL SECRET WAS.... (INSERT DRUM ROLL HERE) SARA IS PREGNANT!

Yep - my calculations have the due date as 7th November. I get to be a Nanny again - and this time I am not 33 years old with a 9, 8 and 7 year old of my own! This time she is with a man who loves her. A man who works. A man who has been a wonderful stepfather of 2+ years. (Gawd when I write it we so look trashy? Oh -- buggar we are!)



I chose this photo only because it is the only one that seems to give a tiny paunch to Sara's tummy. It was taken last November. I have my hand on Sara's shoulder.. MOTH next to me, Sara's Aunt (beloved family member to all of us) Lola, my other daughter's Jane holding the lollipop and Anna trying to stand far away from us.. My son William the slightly taller one than my grandson Jay holding the plastic bat. The second last day we were all together actually. We are at Jay's school after attending his concert. He wore black tights and danced to "shake your tail feather".

Anyway - it was a fortnight of worry and sleepless nights. Sara seemed excited in her initial call to me and I reacted overly happy. She then had to fret that I would.. judge? or condone her actions because she was frightened the timing was so wrong. She and her partner have been taking actions to save money and enable a future without to many worries - and a baby now is simply bad timing. I had to try carefully backtrack my happiness and excitement and let her know no matter what she decided was ok with me. And of course it is and was and always will be.

I normally communicate frequently with my daughters but this got to the stage where I was fretting she would think I was stalking her. I just felt her pain, confusion and fear so much! That is the shitty thing about being a parent! That never seems to stop!

I was really pleased though that Sara had told me it was a secret... and I rang her sister Anna later... and Anna knew I knew and we both giggled that Sara had been so funny as to tell both of us a secret. As if we keep that stuff? We had to keep it from Jane though - because had Sara chosen to not go through with it we knew Jane... wouldn't deal with that well. I couldn't tell loads of people I wanted to because I had to chose which people would .. understand the considerations. For me it was gorgeous that Anna and I cant keep secrets from each other.

Seventeen years of having someone around... oh you miss them when they are gone. We have been texting each other with our plans for bubs birth. We should probably consult Sara about them at some stage.

I am going to take Jay to the zoo again and probably the theme park thing.. so he doesn't think his sibling is getting all the attention. Anna and I will stay in a nearby motel and be horrid baby stalker type relatives. I wont have a day off work till the event so that I have plenty of days to sniff baby and dress baby and feed mother.

How exciting!



Sara had to think through so much... Poor girl. Thank dog that is over!

The secret

I am allowed to tell now.

My daughter Anna has a new boyfriend. He is of Torres Strait Island origin. He thrills her, delights her and makes her feel like life is wonderful.

Anna's father cant know this ... because he suffers from the infliction commonly known as racism. Anna's father was away this weekend and so Shawn was introduced to Anna's uncle Paul who doesnt suffer from such dreadful inflictions.

Anna is beside herself with her lovely new boyfriend.

It is still a secret. I am doubtful sperm donor can use the internet. I am rather doubtful he is ever going to understand his beautiful children or be able to share their happiness.

Ten days off work

Today was the first of my ten days off work. I have taken four days off next week and that gives me ten important days.

I wrote myself a list of what I want to do. Here it is.

Ten Days of No work. Goals and Desires.


1) Complete 8 modules Cert lll

2) Clean house

Including: Anna’s room Our room Kitchen (including cupboards)

General stuff Verandah

3) Sort out superannuation

4) Paint trims and doors

5) Personal shopping

Including: Me – Underwear, makeup, visit optometrist, casual wear, dentist?

Moth – shorts, socks William – black shorts, soccer boots?

House – curtains living room, towels, tea towels & a bin the dogs cant get in

6) Get cv joints fixed on hyundai

Including: Check on price for fixing paintwork – damage to door

New front tyres?

Price for airconditioning fixed

7) Clean cars

8) Play and relax in the garden with the dogs

9) Do the online first aid course for work

10) Write to my friends

11) Cook fantastic meals for family

12) Take walks along the beach

13) Go to RTA and get boat license

14) Really learn how to drive the boat

15) Eat mud crabs, drink wine and share rubbish stories with friends.

16) Not be dog tired and stupid at trivia

I made a dent on No 2 and attended to a little of No 8.

MOTH just came home with five mudcrabs. So we are about to head out and work on No 15!




Magnificent start actually!

I have a secret

And I am not allowed to tell. The wonderful thing is that my daughter's are as pathetic at secrets as I am.

I also have some wonderful friends.

Sunday Capricorn Caves driving

Anna was distressed on Thursday night that she wasn't getting enough driving lessons in to full fill her requirements by May - when she will be eligible for her license if she has the 60 hours driving time finished. She wanted us to pick her up and bring her home... her driving home and visit down here. Her father (MOTH is stepfather who just raised* them since 1995 until 24th December 2007 when she went to live with father)got very annoyed with Anna wanting to visit us and this meant Friday morning Anna was once again crying on the telephone to me because that plan had to be cancelled. So MOTH said... we will drive up to Rockhampton (103kms north) Sunday and take her for a driving lesson and make a day of it.

MOTH is pretty pathetic when either of us cry. Nice really. Of course he would of preferred go play in his boat.

Anyway, we picked up the girls. (William went to a mates farm for the day - his own choice... the father actually isn't... very interesting for the kids I suspect/know)

We went out to Capricorn Caves.

We were told to go on a bushwalk - which we did. However we must of taken a wrong turn or something. It was very short.



The resident roo was pretty nonplussed to see us.

The entrance to the caves... the cave collapsed thousands of years ago... and our guide was very young but still interesting and informative.

The cathedral was lovely - they played Amazing Grace and turned off the lights into the blackness... just lovely. (I always get teary at Amazing Grace - always! and Anna told me she does too.... I wonder if that is just her and me?)

We took the photos and admired the little chapel that sometimes has weddings and carols at Christmas time.

Sometimes cameras are too truthful.... the crazy grimaces and red eyes?

Anna drove from the Caves to Yeppoon.. with a detour for a fisho...who offered incredibly cheap prices. On investigation it was pretty much all frozen stuff... that is why it was so cheap. At Yeppoon we lunched in the park, walked along the shops and visited some. We purchased a new shirt for MOTH for next weekend when we have an engagement party to attend. The beach was very windy.

Anna really needs more consistent driving lessons. Since moving to her fathers she has only entered two entries into her logbook. She needs that at least every week. I will look into professional driving lessons and ... I think I would like to go see the girls again next weekend too. Anna isn't sure if they can come home (to me I mean) at Easter because the father gets so cranky about it.

I had planned to go to Tweed Heads over Easter... but I don't feel very rich. But I also know a few days playing with my friend.. would do me good. Decisions! I have taken the week after Easter off work but I need to spend that studying this bloody course, painting the house and gardening. I need them for me.

I miss my girls already. MOTH was a little grumpy today (despite the Mr Happy t-shirt) I think it was just that he didn't really want to be there ... he wanted to do his own thing and it DOES suck when you have to do something just because you open your big mouth in a moment of pity.

Oh - and I dinged the Hyundai yesterday. I drove into a shopping trolley bay. Dinged the passenger side .. pretty bad. I picked up a girlfriends daughter from work... parked in a ... hmmm no it wasn't the spot it was me. I just made a mistake and ... put a very big ding on the car. I annoyed MOTH because I want the ding fixed, I think the CV joints are about to go (click click click when I turn left) and I want the airconditioning fixed. He wants to drive the car to the wreckers and get another. We paid $2000 for it three years ago and he feels.. it has done its bit. I feel - I like the way it drives. So we are going to argue about it. He feels the Hyundai is trash just because it is a Hyundai. I don't care.. as long as it is neat and tidy and drives nice. I like it when the airconditioning works.

I was going to tell Anna I did it for her... so she wouldn't feel so nervous. I forgot to - and just let her laugh at me for it. I just really badly messed up the angle I was driving out ....My girlfriends daughter will probably never accept a lift from me again. Don't really blame her!



*Raised - meaning provided food, shelter, clothing, dealt with vomiting during the night, toilet training incidents, taught to ride a bike, taxiied, attended school and social functions, taught how to work.... the list gets pretty endless. We did have father contribute $10 a fortnight for about four of those years.

Sara and the lobster.... first fiji report...

She obviously forgot her sunblock? I wonder if she is intentionally showing us how she decided to look like the crustacean?

Here is her first report from home.

Hi! Here are some pic's of us in Fiji... Only got home today and have been up since 3am... We have so many pictures and video to go through! My favourite thing was probably snorkelling for the first time... All the tropical fish, sea slugs, snakes and coral... I'm heading to the Great Barrier Reef next, i've found a new obsession (hobby). Will send more when i find the good ones! Sara

Good. I live near the Great Barrier Reef. She can come snorkeling with Mummy. (Mummy spells snorkeling correctly)

We have been discussing this week how we need a bigger boat to go to Great Keppel etc. I need her and her younger sister to get their boat licenses too.

Wasting worries is not a good pasttime

Seems MOTH is only missing a weeks proper wages - and workers compensation came through so very quickly. At first his boss told him that they didn't have any light duties...but MOTH drives his coworkers to and from work because they don't have licenses at the moment. His boss .... suddenly has found MOTH light duties.

I - being me of course - had drawn up three spreadsheet budgets; one for one income over four/five weeks and another for my income plus my guestimate of workers compensation and another for .. I am not really sure why but I was worrying about 2 months or more.

In reality I think we lost less than $400 for this injury of MOTH's. I wasted a heap of worries again. I could bloody well need them one day you know.

Got my boat license...

Well.. as long as I remember to bloody go and get it from the transport department this time.

I really like their boat.

The new propeller

Our boat propeller was damaged maybe almost a year ago. And MOTH laments often to me that he needs to get it fixed. But we never have time. The full time working etc.. you just never have time.

But he broke his hand and has time. And we kinda have money - although that wont last for long because he will be on workers compensation until his hand heals....so off he went to buy the new propeller.

And he cursed and cursed in our driveway because he couldn't fit it. I asked him to call some of his mates to see if they could help - I knew I would only get cranky with it - I really hate that mechanical stuff.. hold this turn that stuff. The jockey wheel fell off the boat trailer months ago .. so it would of all been hard and frustrating for him.

I am not very good at the cut up his food, remember he cant open stuff thing. He isn't very good at asking me to help. I have reminded him plenty of when I broke my arm twice and couldn't cope with hanging out washing etc....

He fought with the propeller with his mate that Anna (daughter number 2) and I call "FSC" behind his back. "FSC" is an acronym for three common swear words. I dyed my friends hair and she dyed mine and I pottered around the house .. did grocery shopping and generally acted as if our family isn't in crisis.........

MOTH came home confused I hadn't rang him and said where are you. I heard him swearing in the driveway before he left. I decided... I was better off amusing myself. My friend with the hair dye... can sometimes be a little mean to me.. but today she was not. The only possible mean thing she said was when she asked if MOTH's accident was a result of his smoking stuff...

I cant say I don't wonder that myself. Cant say I would be able to or willing to change anything if it was. There are sometimes simply variables you cant change. I also know I don't want to change him. I kinda like him just the way he is. I wish I wouldn't fret he would get sensible and leave me for a woman who will have his children and will... oh I dunno... hold the boat propeller or something like that.

MOTH bought the wrong propeller. It took him and FSC five hours to figure that out.

I looked at our superannuation and realised we have to contribute at least $50 more a week even given MOTH is younger than me to have just the basics to live at retirement.

Sara goes to Fiji!

How exciting is that? My oldest daughter and grandson are in Fiji right now! Sara was a little worried about the 5.30 am start (she is after all - her mother's daughter and we dont do mornings very well)... BUT oh!


I KNOW they are having fun. I know it will be just beautiful. I am slightly jealous but more proud that they are having a wonderful time.....she promised to send heaps of pictures. She better!

Repeating...

About four years ago MOTH and I did the recreational boat license course with this mob. It was a really fun day - and although there was a test and there was a lot of information to absorb - I remember laughing and enjoying the games and the prizes and oh boy did we love driving their boat....

Anyway - at the end of the day you get the bit of paper to take to the Department of transport to get your recreational boat license. You have six months to do that in.

And I NEVER TOOK IT IN. I just forgot. Or I would remember and I would think.. next week. Until... the date expired. Time just goes so damn quickly. MOTH got his - he fronted up at the office of transport and had it sorted out. Mine sat in a drawer. Actually by the time I found it I could barely READ the date but knew it had expired.

So tomorrow I am repeating recreational boat license. With a colleague from work and her husband who have just purchased a boat.

I have no desire to drive our boat. I just know I need this license to get the other marine licenses that I will want one day. I like being the passenger. But what timing! I organised this before MOTH breaks his hand. (Well I said to the woman I like at work - put my name down too and pick me up - that is very similar to organising)

But next social day out at Awoonga playing on the ski tube and looking at the waterbirds.. I am drinking - not driving. My license will have to be a secret.

Uh-oh

Moth broke his hand today. Using a drill? to do.. something? it umm... jumped? and his hand broke. (I so should listen better!) I did listen (sorta) and fuss and get him drinks and dinner and help him feed the dogs (oh ok so I called William to do that)...

He came to my work just as I was busy with a two year old to get my car and he said as he walked out... that he was off to the hospital to get his hand x-rayed but I was concentrating on making sure this child was comfortable.. and didn't actually hear that bit until he had driven away. That is when I thought.. crap I probably should of offered to drive him to the hospital.

I got home to a house with NO ONE. And so I lay on my bed and read the last half of a book I kinda pinched from work (a parent gave it to another carer saying it was very good... my coworker/boss/friend nicked it and I quickly nicked it from her) The dogs laid with me and when the book was finished I napped with them... waking at 8pm to realise MOTH was still not home.

Youch. Neglectful lover. It was indeed broken.. in two places and he had spent four hours at the hospital alone.

I found him on the telephone on his way home via a more sympathetic friends house..... and somehow still managed to say "the wine is in the boot of my car will you bloody hurry"....

He arrived home with the doctors notes, his workers compensation forms and keys in his mouth and the wine in his left hand with a jolly great big cast on his right hand. Crikeys.. he really did hurt himself.

We went to trivia last night. I was going to cancel. See - I love trivia but the woman I work with and I have big mouths and we brag to everyone that we won that one time.... and a couple of other workers decided to come too. And one of them.. I get a little annoyed at work with. But you cant say... "No - you cant come because you annoy me" - that is simply too mean. But I didn't want to go. Yep - that much of a bitch I was gunna not go just so I didn't have to socialize with that person... My usual coworker seems to understand I am a bitch and convinced me to go...

I was completely wrong we all had a ball as usual. MOTH loves female company and he had a great time. We drank a couple of bottles of wine... and we had a few before we left too... and the meals are wonderful value ($11 for reef and beef t-bone with chips and salad and we have NEVER finished it all) The wine shouldn't of affected me so .. quickly... however when I woke this morning from the first proper sleep I have had in weeks... fully clothed in what I was wearing the night before I realised that I had.. blanks. I don't remember anything that happened after the motor car round. I couldn't remember coming home. I didn't wake with the awful feeling I had done something dreadful but I still didn't like having NOTHING..... I didn't know whether we had won or lost (we lost and came third apparently) I didn't remember being driven home... so I rang MOTH. He told me he felt like crap and was sick and couldn't remember anything about getting home but that he liked one of my workmates because she giggled a lot.

That is not good. Both MOTH and I were apparently legless drunk and cannot bloody remember anything past 10.30 at night. I wasn't sick - I just didn't like having this giant blank...... And I was hoping he could fill in the blank bits. My workmate filled in a few for me. I was obnoxious when she fiddled with my cigarettes and when my giggling colleague said she was going home I forced her to drive us home. I noticed this afternoon my cigarettes are all over the gutter and sidewalk.

Definitely not how the evening SHOULD of gone. The first thing I asked MOTH about was if he was hungover when his accident occured. He said no. I hope he was telling me the truth.

William told me this morning that we left the lights and tv on and he had to get up and turn them off. Poor little thing!

Oh - and Rocky the wonderdog keeps turning up at my work. Looks like MOTH has time to figure out how he escapes now. Except Rocky doesnt bother escape if he has someone home with him. The kids at work all can recite the story of the "very unhelpful dog Rocky who doesnt use his listening ears and stay home" and its really hard for Rocky who knows I am cranky with him but ten little people usually covered in yogurt and other deliciousness are so pleased to see him.

I ask the kids why they are peering threw the fence or window and they tell me.. "I am looking for unhelpful Rocky!"

Great. Just Great.

Karma got me - it always does

See that big bump on my forehead? I did that too myself. Fifteen minutes before knockoff time in front of parents, 30 children and three of my workmates I stood up from talking to a child spun around and slammed my head into a pole. The whole pole vibrated. Everybody laughed. (Except one little girl from my room actually who will be receiving a very nice reward this week for being nice)

Yes, my nose is that big. No - my nose is not crooked it is just the damn photo.

Yes - it hurt. Yes - I felt like crying. No - I didn't cry in public - I went elsewhere to cry.

Its odd though. When I work with the women I like - work is more like play. I do get tired but it is a pleasant tired. When I work with some people.. I feel like I have been picking potatoes and dragging 30 kilo sacks in the hot sun all day. And I have never actually done that. Yet.

I have to stop feeling such horrid things about the workmates who don't deserve it. I KNOW they have huge problems. I KNOW they suffer things I cant even imagine properly. But I still get wild as hell when I feel I have to do my job and theirs because they have some strange agenda.

Overtired and feeling like my back was breaking.. I clunked my head on a bloody pole that has been in the same place for the past 9 months I have worked there and know it is there. And I wanted to cry like a child over it.

Silly really - I have never needed a man to bash me - I am quite capable of doing that for myself.

I am very lucky MOTH doesn't laugh and does be nice to me when I am being petty and horrid.

Quick blog about blogs

The really wonderful thing about blogs and blogging - is the people you find and UNDERSTAND and love the stories and the connection that you find. I feel disappointment when I check some blogs and there is nothing new. I feel like I have been a bad friend (I don't know 99% of these people in real life!) when I check their blogs to find they have posted 174 new posts and I have to read throughout my entire lunch hour just to catch up!

PICTURES of ice on plants, funnies relating to other side of the world, recipes and travel stories....

It saves me a fortune too - I no longer need to read every magazine I see in the supermarket aisle.

No more whirling - back to the baby steps

Thanks for the comments. Such a mismatch of feelings and nothing making too much sense but ... the comments made me feel a little better.

I shed tears again when I read Joy's blog but at least the sobs and choking feeling in the throat are gone. Her writing was way more elegant than mine but suffice to say she has always been better at the sane thing than I have.

And in comments! Carrie! Whom I love and who listened and made me laugh through a million baby steps with me and who I rarely catch up with anymore! See - life can be so wonderful - friendships may not be as intense as once... but they just live for so long!

Life is just so lucky and wonderful with friends.

I was able to walk with MOTH and my son William and admire the full moon.

I quit my second job. I did it mostly in temper but in hindsight I am glad I did. Even though it was just cleaning the childcare centre I work at I liked making sure it was lovely and clean. I knew where "accidents" had occurred and which toys had been in mouths etc.

The truth of why I quit lays somewhere between - I am an impossible bitch who likes things my own way to my coworker is neurotic and unstable. But either way - there is a stupid rule that we had to clean together and this.. inevitably led to my frustration. I am not afraid of being raped and murdered at a childcare centre after hours. My colleague finds my flippant attitude to being alone at the centre a real issue worthy of threatening me with the boss every time I forget to tell her I am going to the garbage bins or outside to have a cigarette etc.

I would of liked to clean for an hour... go home cook dinner and go back and do the other hour. My colleague would try to make me understand how she thought and I found it erratic. I know the crucial part to her thinking was what do the people in the top centre think - she thinks as long as they know we are there (even if we are drinking coffee and talking) that is fine...so she would want to stay until they left. I didn't give a rats arse what they think - if I cleaned the centre at 3 am that is none of their business.. but I guess the language and cultural barrier... and I have got a family and dogs that I would prefer be with...

Anyway it is best that I just quit it - 6 hours a week at $20 an hour isn't worth my sanity and the possibility my working relationship with this woman would hit a low... lower than even I can do... No matter how much I liked making sure the rooms were lovely and clean for the children.

My stress at my colleague was becoming so terribly high and it was scaring me that I could feel so upset at a person. Her like of washing up in cold water distressed me. Her use of loads of water and suds when mopping the floors distressed me. She will tell me the bathroom is clean when the skirting boards are visibly disgusting and there is POO IN THE LOO! She retreats when I decide to do it again and just spends the time in her own room and then I feel... like a mini tornado.

It was affecting how I work with this woman too because incidents during our day where she would be upset at another coworker ... could of impaired my judgement because I ended up feeling defensive about the other coworker and argumentative about her decisions.

I could have to do it for another week or so - I don't know how much notice I was meant to give. Guess I will find that out tomorrow. Babysteps and bite tongue! I do know the routine! I seem to forget too that when I took on the cleaning I did it for the reason of making sure it was clean. I can make sure my own room is clean during my working day.

And if it is not - I can blame the cleaners! Too easy!

The world is like an apple whirling silently in space...

I am a little bit behind and confused at the moment. So many different hurts around me.. and sometimes I dont seem to cope very well with them. Time is my enemy - but I am my real worst enemy. I waste emotions and waste time...
I knew I was feeling.. somewhat sad this week and decided to take a sick day.
Very late last night I checked my msn email (which I almost never bother with) and learnt a friend had lost her son in a tragic... well accident is the wrong word. An accident is an unforseen event. It isnt an accident that if you drive under the influence of prescription drugs you can cause something horrible. My friend was not a close friend - but someone I love anyway.
I keep thinking of her beautiful boys and that... that one is gone and its.. so dog gone awful. I cant imagine her pain but I cant help shedding tears when I think of how... awful it would be for her.
I have to complete a course for work - it is a job requirment and my trainer was meant to be there on Monday to observe my performance. She didnt turn up. I did receive a note today that apologised and that the floods were the reason. I am completely unaware of floods between where the trainer is and where I am.
It is my little princesses birthday today. And last night she just cried on the phone to me and spoke about her life. She wasnt very kind to her friends in our conversation and she didnt once think to ask how I am.
A calamity of errors meant I didnt attend trivia tonight. I am pleased my friends did lose - it means I can pretend I am smart for another week.
I am very grateful that I have really wonderful friends and amazing people to love.
I just feel a little.. crowded? One of my friends has a marvellous sense of humour that makes me roar....she can delight me in many ways.
I am so glad I found blogs.
I think my Mama is being treated cruelly and I am scared at how to react.
I have a dozen people I am meant to contact and haven't.
I just feel rather lost...

What kind of flower are you?

Trust me to be the poor man's orchid! Sheesh!

I am a Canna What Flower Are You?

My day

This photo was taken at 5.30 this afternoon - my knock off time. Ten new almost 2 year olds. (Click to enlarge)

Here I go again! All of them looked kinda shocked when I sat them on the toilet. Not one understood the concept of no feet on the table when we are eating. A few dont understand even the simplest directive. Sitting on the mat seemed a puzzle. Some showed interest in learning. A couple are deliciously cute.

They all like cuddles and books. We are going to get on just fine.

But... man am I tired.

The weekends go too damn fast

MOTH caught crabs today. It was hideously hot and humid. I worried for a while that he wanted me to go with him - but luckily he found someone willing to go with him.
I do like fishing and being on the boat. But not in mad heat. Not in weather that can change at a second. I dont want to be rained on.
I wanted to go to the nursery but I never got there. I wanted to do some homework for the course I have to complete - but I never got there either. I did tidy house and do laundry - but not to vacuum or mop floors. I guess they will wait.
I rested and I cooked. I made chicken and vegetable soup and I tended my garden. Meg and the kids visited and William bought us meagre nibblies - I was not in the mood for catering. I think I agreed to catering for a seafood night Tuesday. I am just tired and cantankerous.
I will blame the bubbly wine a lovely parent gave my co-worker and myself on Friday. The gift was quite lovely - I guess that mum doesnt know how much pleasure her son gave me this past 7 months. But geeze it was nice to be given the gift and the lovely card....
I get to drink my co-workers wine sometime soon. She doesnt drink white wine - only red. And I am quite happy to swap!
The irony is in the fact that the gift was from the mother of .. one of my really smart beautiful children who is cared for beautifully. None of the more difficult parents or ... those who feel it is my job to bend over backwards - show such regard.
The careless mother who forgets her childs lunches; the mother who complains she collected the child with a dirty nappy (I am not in control of the children's bowel movements no matter how much I love my job) and not even the mother who delivers her child at nap time and completely stuffs up our routine? Nope - The woman who works full time and shows incredible regard, love and education for her beautiful child... takes the time to buy two bottles of wine and write two lovely cards. The woman whose child has provided me with tears and laughter and incredible pride. That child can name every colour, shape and animal. Recite the books verbatim...make me roar laughing if I get something wrong and the child gets frustrated with my stupidity. That child - has made my life so much more wonderful.
When I think about it like that - I have nothing to whinge about.