First day at school

My son started High School this week. He is so tiny - and it feels like it was just a blink ago he was so little.

I took his first day off work so that I could support him. A little after 7 am his best friend rang and asked Will if he wanted to go with him. And I couldn't say no - who would you rather be with on your first day of school your best mate or your mother? And William's best mate is a wonderful kid and his mother is a lovely woman.

I felt pretty useless and silly though. Sitting there. Showered and dressed. Useless.

I took some forms to work and.. they indicated I was meant to be enjoying my day off work - so I went home. And watched lifestyle cooking until I felt like I was starving. Alone. I rang Meg to see if she wanted me to cook lunch but just my luck - her husband is home this week. I rang MOTH to see if he could have lunch with me too.. but I missed the time by a few minutes and it was too late.

I didnt do any of the work I should of done. I just sat alone. I felt guilty for this.

William claims his first day was wonderful. But everytime I look at his face I worry.

Soccer sign on Saturday.

Loving my kids is the easy part... living it is the hard part.

Australia Day weekend 2008

Saturday I drove to Rockhampton to be with my girls. They were quite over their... distraught evening of the other night. Odd how I frown and appear nervous as my youngest daughter kisses me.

Makes me wonder what faces I was pulling in Juvenile Court. We went to Sizzlers and gorged ourselves stupid.

Although I understand and completely accept it is time for my girls to move on - I absolutely loved having a few moments with them again.

The Fitzroy River is due to flood this week and we walked the banks to examine the differences.

The father of my three younger children bought Anna this little Barina... 2001? model for $7000.. and my little princess... horrified him with her driving.. and now she isn't allowed to drive it. Now of course .. sperm donor shouts at her... "You drive like your mother!" (OOPS)

....and I forgot - many years ago he and I had arguments about how you drive a manual car and I HATED him driving my cars...I had to sell a dear little car I liked once to buy the second property... and I remember using that argument on myself... oh.. sperm donor treats the gears horribly on the dear car... at least it will be better treated elsewhere.

She was awfully upset and told him she wanted to return to me or anywhere. He rightfully told her... "No way Anna.. you owe me $7000 and you stay till its paid back." And she cried till I didn't think she could cry anymore. And I felt her pain. Every sob, snort and tear.

Reality checked in with her school report when she went to enroll in the more prestigious schools in Rockhampton and they simply said... no thanks. Rockhampton Highs principal apparently gave her hell and told her she was obviously stupid so should attend tafe and not bother them. Her indignation and fury...that I completely understand... but I dont think she understands - yet that was part of my over reaction to her complete mess up of her first senior year at high school. She feels the school is beneath her, and doesnt understand yet that it was her actions that landed her there.

I miss her like crazy - but there is no way I am arguing with her father who has done the right thing. She has to do the right thing alone this time.

We walked the swelling banks of the Fitzroy River. If you click on the picture and zoom in you can see the many .. things floating down it.

We teased each other on the banks of the river every time we heard a ripple about crocodiles. Six years now and I have never seen one in the wild. And trust me - I am always looking.

Rockhampton is always a little hotter or colder than anywhere else. But - oh - it was so muggy. And the mozzies where so large!

We watched this family drive their boat up the river and giggled how MOTH would do the same stupid thing. You have no idea what a flooded river has in it... but you would still drive your beloved boat up it to see.

No wonder I am always a little crazy.

The goanna - or the lace monitor. I love his/her fat belly. I dont know how to sex a lizard. Odd that.. I can tell the sex of many other animals.

At the zoo they had moved some of the animals. Last time Rockhampton had floods both the zoo and the croc farm accidently lost their crocs. I dont think crap like that happens any where else in the world. The inevitable.. that they cant think about. I often ponder if only stupid people are allowed jobs in the north.

The salt water crocs were moved ... the freshwater's were still there on Saturday. The sign in the casuary pen said they were moved due to the floods.. but I noticed they were actually in a pen lower - near the koalas. I just cant imagine relocating a casuary would be an easy job.

Mind you I probably only visit this zoo to hurt myself. I abhor the treatment of the chimpanzees there. The two males are so bored and so able to be annoyed by revolting humans. Why did they get two brothers? Why did they never get them a female? Why do they let idiots upset them with their antagonism?

But I like to watch them and look at their hands and then mine. I like to sit there and wonder what they must wish for. And they amaze me because they too sit and stare at me. Always, a member of my family makes me move along.


This isnt a particularly good shot of an emu. But I like emu's.

And of course the dingo - and that of course just reminds me of one of my own dogs.

Rocky loves the new linen I bought.

William starts High School tomorrow; the last of my babies.

Life is just.. harder than it should be.

The numbers arent good

Four of the people I care about and love.. are unhappy over this past 24 hours.

My youngest daughters had a mad reality check. And I fall for their tears and sobs every single time. Anna had to learn responsibility for her actions in the cruelest way. And the bad parent in me wanted so much to just tell everyone to shove it... and cop the costs she has incurred and deal with it later.

Jane - she... realised I love her and am not quite as dreadful as she thought.

My Mama and my colleague. They hurt and have very real problems.

I am your eternal waffler.. I never know what to do. I just know I would love to sleep.

Alvin and the chipmunks

This link says it sucked.

I just loved it! I had to drag William and Moth to see it. They both would of chose something different but I was feeling selfish - and insisted on this movie. I heard them snort and giggle too.. they did like it. Neither of them will admit it though......

I laughed, I got teary and I just adored the naughty chipmunks. I liked the music and I liked listening to the reaction of the children in the seats around me.

Trouble found me again.

Pouring rain this week. Mostly steaming hot - sometimes cool enough for me to search for my cardigans. Once again I have packed them somewhere so safe - I cant find them.



Ok - this story starts a few days ago. And let's face it I always say stuff that gets me in trouble.



A staff member came down to our side of the building to have a cigarette explaining that she couldn't go out the front because a large brown stray dog was at the front door. I immediately went to the front of the building because that description fits my dog. I should of used my brains - Rocky wont really leave the house if it is raining. Silly me.



I get to the door and a young employee says to me "Oh - good Melissa kick the dog and make it go away - I am scared of dogs." I haven't seen the dog yet - and I am riled instantly because I suspect it could be mine. But .. also I would am riled because who the fuck would advocate kicking ANY dog.... I see it isn't my dog... I call to the employee to get a pen and paper so I can write down the rego number .. she does and I pat the dog... and go back inside and ring council and then the owner (only got the answering machine) and go back to looking after my amazing children.



The employees words have.. settled in my head and they bother me. Asking me to kick a stray dog sheltering from the rain. I have always liked dogs more than people.



And I like this young employee. As a matter of fact I have gone out of my way to shelter her from other colleagues and make her learning period easier. I have tried to make things easy for her on many occasion which involved my own sacrifice of coworkers that I know can do the job. I swapped my proficient and reliable relief staff with her so that I could let her learn within an easier work environment. (My room doesn't have any children that have behavioural challenges at the moment - pure chance 3/4 of the kids in the room she could of been left with have been in my room before)

She is a young girl - very naive. Sometimes her stories amuse me. Always I have tried to help her and protect her. I guess she reminds me of my girls. She is pretty, compassionate, seeking a wonderful life and I think she has seen sadness but her ability to care about her family.. has always enthralled me. She is both confident and nervous in her new adult hood.

I bit my lip when she said kick the dog. I said nothing - and fumed alone. But the day after - I said "My opinion of you has lessened since you told me to kick that poor stray dog"....and I didn't allow the discussion to go further - she did try to tell me she was afraid of dogs because a dog attacked her when she was little etc.. and I just... barked at her to pay attention to the children.

Anyway - there was .. further trouble at work not related to anything I do and somehow during this trouble the young girl told the boss that I had said this - and that she felt workmates where awful to her. My... very direct and very real comment to her would of certainly made it feel worse. So the boss tracked me down.

Instead of discussing this privately the boss decided to discuss it whilst my children were sleeping and whilst three other staff members were in earshot.

I certainly received a dressing down and I absolutely deplore being personally confronted... but to me the arguments all got a bit mad...

It was definitely the bit about "my opinion of you has lessened" that made my boss angry with me. Apparently in the workplace this is not tolerated.

But it is simple to me. My ability to like her has simply... lessened.

My boss used the argument that as I am an animal lover I have no right to inflict my beliefs on others..... I felt that actually it is against the law in Australia to treat animals cruelly that this argument fell shallow.

I also felt I have a right to my beliefs - and one of my very strong beliefs is that to kick a stray dog is wrong.

My boss used the argument that the young girl said this in jest - she was joking and not being literal. I felt that didn't sit well with me because she had to tell both me and the boss about the awful childhood dog attack incident.

My boss then tried to use the example of what i would do or say if someone joked about kicking a child or running over/harming a cat.

This argument is going mad and my mind is now racing from... keep defending yourself to...... do you really want this job.. you don't Need it... You aren't here for the money...

But I am watching one of my children sit up and not cry and start playing with the little girl on the bed next to her... and that is amazing because that little girl has been so very unhappy with her separation anxiety.....

I am absolutely losing the plot because I wouldn't tolerate a joke about kicking a child either and in fact - I have often avoided people who make nasty comments about harming animals. I know funny - I LOVE funny. I don't find harming an animal or joking about kicking a kid funny. I would think less of the person.

And I still think I have the right to think less of a person for a careless comment.

So the boss brings it back to me.. and I know shes implying the work party at Great Keppel Island wherein I did absolutely get drunk, be obnoxious and opinionated and fall asleep first in the wrong damn room and generally make a drunk ass of myself. She says.. what if I said to you "my opinion of you has lessened" because of SOMETHING you did on a private function type matter.... and I think.. well... if I liked you and valued your opinion of me.. I would try to find a way to fix your opinion of me. I would not try to outdrink my other funny workmate at the next social club gathering. I would stay sober and be bored .....

If I didn't particularly value your friendship/whatever I would really not give it too much thought at all. I already have too many friends. I never get anything done. Plenty of people dont like me. Their loss - not mine.

My boss decided to call in the opinion of a coworker during the arguement and she said to her "If someone said go kick a dog outside in joking would you think less of that person" and the coworker is firstly being put on the spot and secondly... shouldnt of been privvy to my counselling session... Coworker replied No. Boss asked her a second question that escapes me now.. and coworker also replied no. Which vindicated the boss's attack on me....

How do I feel? I now simply have a lesser opinion of the boss and the coworker. I never really had an opinion of the boss...

Anyway in order to simply dismiss the confrontation I decided to admit defeat and that I was terribly wrong and wont do it again.

I am feeling rather guilty for lying that badly. I cant imagine I wont react the same way again. I do know that I found my bosses arguments about the jokes about kicking children and running over cats quite disturbing.

The young girl who felt it necessary to tell the boss how mean and awful I was today worked with me for lunch relief today. And I couldn't find it in myself to apologise to her. I could get in further trouble I guess. I was very polite and acted as I always do within the room - excepting I decided it was best that I didn't add any friendly personal banter/chat. When I noticed she had served one of my kids a can of spaghetti instead of the sandwich the mother had lovingly prepared... and usually I would tell her.. Mum would like to see the sandwich eaten because she has prepared it and the spaghetti would be a ... in case she hasn't eaten the sandwich thing.... I decided any helpful input from me at this stage isn't a good idea.

It was quite horrid getting roused on in front of my colleagues. And amazing how the boss was so pedantic about me having to concede it was all very much my fault and I shouldn't be so mean because she sometimes wanted to be mean but couldn't be....

I really felt quite challenged at the directions of the entire argument.

I adore working with these kids. It is also a mad time because soon the children leave me for the next room and I get a new batch of them. And the kids at my work are just so clever, so beautiful, so willing to learn and so very loving.

Anyway - don't joke about kicking dogs, children or harming cats in front of me.

Oh - and I wont attend any more work social functions. If they can be subtly used against me in future... fuck that. I already know which of my work colleagues I enjoy the company of.

Woops

I went to add an email address to this - for the person who commented today... and I accidently deleted my template.

Blah. Took me over two hours to get back my favourite blogs to read.

I probably missed some of my favourite reads. It was just looking in History got so confusing!

Blah.

More motherhood insanity - and life goes on

There are many times in life it is just too difficult to thank everyone that helps you. But lots of people have came forward with advice, support and understanding over the happenings of the past month. They all had their impact and they all made me think.

But again - the one I love best was "Most people don't tell about these types of happenings in their family .... or the kids don't get caught. Don't make Jane feel like a criminal .... just tell her that you are disappointed but know that she wont do it again ... and expect better honesty of her .... then bury it ..... that's all I can say ... cheer up .... life goes on "

Of course - trouble is - it's a bit late. I already did my absolute best to make Jane feel like a criminal. But it certainly helps me to lessen my anger at Jane and to once again feel like a mother who just wants the best for her children - and their happiness.

I will take Jane to lunch soon and send her some money. I didn't mention that directly after the court hearing Jane and I went to lunch. (Or did I?) But yes - that is what I did. I was so hungry and I didn't feel like a sandwich or whatever so instead we went to lunch as I chastised her to remind her I wasn't taking her to lunch for her actions.

I really suck at the discipline stuff.

Daughter No 2 came home Friday morning. Anna (17 in a month) wanted to attend a friends birthday party on Saturday night and conned me a little with an expression of her desire to have quality time with me. I could see she wanted to join her friends on Friday evening and gave my .. permission? That isnt the right word she is old enough to make her own way now. Blessing? Thats too odd and way to religious sounding for me to be able to stomach. Well - I could see she wanted to go and I was actually bored of almost 17 year old beautiful teen talk after an hour or so... so it was fine that she could go.

Awful pattern here - although I whinge about her going out and partying all the time and neglecting her studies etc... I also understand it a little. And indulge her a lot. Made sure she had what she needed to be safe and also socially acceptable within her crowd.. and waited until midnight when she texted me to tell me from her friend Madison's phone to tell me she was sleeping over. Arghhhhhhhh. Found sleep sometime after 1 am I guess. She arrived home at 10 am somewhat sick and tired. I made her come grocery shopping with me.

Yesterday we celebrated the 53rd birthday of a work colleague and friend of mine at a restaurant with another friend and my daughter Anna. A leisurely enjoyable lunch. Many giggles, lovely food and wonderful company.

I probably shouldnt mention my friends age - but the fact is Dinh is from Vietnam and has never had children. And no one would guess her age over 33. It would be easier if I hadnt grown to love this woman. Then I could hate her for being so incredibly beautiful, elegant and not just admire her for her incredible achievements.

I had a couple of glasses of wine with lunch and came home wonderfully mellow - and napped whilst MOTH fixed.. something he said was broken on.. the boat or the trailer. Anna could not nap because he was using.. a power tool that is noisy but I had no trouble. When I woke Anna was ready to attend her party and MOTH was in the shower getting ready for us to visit our friends to plan today.

Dunno that we did a terrible lot of planning though! We just enjoyed their company for a few hours and came home.

Today MOTH left early to secure the better BBQ spot out at Awoonga whilst Anna and I slept in to arrive at 9 am at the dam. I got up around 7.45 am and packed food, utensils, tablecloths etc for the day and woke Anna as late as I felt I could. I didnt look at the clock when she arrived home last night - I just remember being pleased she was home.

We picked up two of Anna's longtime friends and went to the dam to enjoy our friends, the water, the boat and... well just the outdoors.


The girls lounge around the BBQ area. That is Courtney with her back to us, then clockwise Anna and Madison and in the hammock behind Madison is Laura.
Our boat and the tube... and our friends awaiting their turn while I wait at the BBQ area.

Our mess - and yet another day that was wonderful. Good friends and good times. Driving a very old boat with a little tiny 18hp motor around having fun...

Courtney was my daughter Jane's collaborator in the shoplifting... err stuff. At first today, she was horrified she had to spend it with all of us. But at the end of the day - she was a ski tube hog as best we can be!

Anna and her friends were quite disturbingly interested in the birth of Nicole Riche and Christina's babys! They furiously texted for more information disgusted they were away from technology to find out more! I thought at first as they shouted at each other that Nicole and Christina must of been friends of theirs! When I realised who they were talking about... I had to remind myself to shush.

My daughter Anna's move to her fathers is looking promising. He doesn't allow her to go out at night and he is promising her the world. She cooks dinner every night and helps with his business. She doesn't swear around him and he is promising to buy her a new car. He is enticing her with.. many promises. He loves having her so much that she knows she would break his heart if she ditched this deal now. And - it could all work out fine. She can.. have both worlds if she plays her hand right.

I like her company. And I miss her. But even today - we get home at 4pm and I go to work to do what I have to - and I get home and I have to clean everything from today and put it all away and cook dinner... and my little princess sleeps. It is madness I should be expected to provide a day out for not even a thank you and no help.

But that is simply motherhood. I love all my children. No matter how much crap they deal me with. No matter how many times they shock, disappoint or humiliate me.

MOTH has been quite sick since we got home. Vomiting and... well I kinda paid attention. I ate everything he ate and I feel fine. Hope he is alright. I have gone in every so often... and made sure my lovely new sheets are still clean. Gave him water, a towel, a bucket and said.. "Oh heck don't tell me please".

And our camping gear is kinda packed up and ready for our next big adventure at Baffle creek in two weeks time.

Court day

I didn't sleep very well last night. I watched the clock this morning from bed terrified of sleeping over. But I felt so ridiculously tired.

Jane had a shower and then I told her to look at some clothes for her to wear to her court appearance today.I had asked her Monday and Tuesday to find something suitable but the sofa and the bedroom, television and PlayStation2 and xbox were far more important.

We had a .. small altercation wherein I lost my temper at her... distaste at wearing things I suggested and in the end she resurrected the same blouse I bought for her for her first job interview with a top I bought at the post Christmas sales and my navy blue work skirt. She looked beautiful.

That damn blouse - I bought it for her on this awful day we went shopping for job interview clothes. It was on sale - 50% off and just less than $40. I thought it was a bargain, and she did get the job. And then - I found the blouse in a bag for the opportunity shops and I.. lost my temper. Worn once. Perfect condition.

"Why the hell is this here?" says me.

"Because it's ugly." says Jane.

I guess she didn't get that I spent double on it than what I would spend on myself and that I expect clothing to be somewhat more durable than once only. But I didn't react with nice understanding Mummy - I reacted angry and annoyed and ...

I have done that maybe 30 times this year alone. I have been annoyed at Jane for being asleep as the rest of us went clothes shopping and I have just selected things for her whilst shopping that also met the fate of the opportunity shop bag. The time I got her sister Anna to buy her school uniform shirt because Jane just would not go and purchase it for herself. The fury because had I given my other children my debit card and told to go get a uniform they would of been there so quick my card would of been smoking - but Jane would retort to me... You expect ME to walk to the uniform shop? She would roll her eyes and simply go back to what she wants to do...absolutely believing that if she only has one uniform and it isn't clean then she can just not go to school.

And I guess I was a real bitch of a mother. I would become more determined to make her act for herself. In the end Anna just asked me for the debit card and she went and bought it and we hid it until the next time Jane said... "Can't go to school - my uniform isn't clean - you wont buy me enough."

Ok - that is the self pitying shit my dear girlfriend tells me is completely unbecoming. But it all rocked home hard again this morning.

We arrived early because we wanted to use the duty solicitor. I did make toast but I forgot to ate it and fed it to the dogs cold. So the wait ... made me hungry and less than nice tempered. I was lucky I guess that my friend and colleague was there - our beautiful naughty daughters causing somewhat odd family time. I had to laugh at that... when we discuss how we should go camping, playing in the water etc time together as families.. we didn't mean at the courthouse.

And the wait was certainly easier with companions.

The interview with the solicitor was... horrific. Once again - Jane indicated the reason she stole was because I didn't provide. (You have to remember that the majority of the stuff these girls stole was BABY CLOTHES - and no, neither of them are pregnant.) The solicitor pointed out to Jane that she was dressed beautifully today and that Jane's statement that she had to steal looked rather.... ridiculous.

I just wanted to slap Jane's face.

I mean that and I completely understand why it sounds so awful. Fancy wanting to slap your own daughters face!

But at the same time - I felt so terribly guilty. Maybe I should of driven her to the shops when she woke at 1 pm (actually they are mostly shut then anyway - I work fulltime)... Maybe I should of bought her the designer clothes she wanted and not said... I will pay for the basics if you want designer names you work and pay for your own... Maybe I should of moved houses and given her her own beautiful bedroom... Maybe I should of provided her own computer and satellite tv channels... Maybe I should of been more tolerant on those awful shopping trips with Jane wherein after four or five hours and nothing was good enough...

After all - I didn't really NEED to go to lunch with my friends. I didn't really NEED to spend the money we were given on a new dinner setting. I didn't need to have the one hairdressers appointment I had last year that cost $150 (lets face it i was upset at spending that money too - I shouldn't of done that) I probably should of cooked more and not bought pre-prepared food. I shouldn't of got mad at her for using our cash and buying her school lunches instead of making her own like the other two children did.

Maybe had I indulged her... maybe I shouldn't of said... "You are not wearing that". Maybe I should of paid for her gym membership that she was sure would make her skinny again. Maybe I shouldn't of got cranky at that and said "Oh for heavens sake just get off your butt and DO SOMETHING" and you wont be so damn big.

I definitely shouldn't of told her she is resembling her auntie and her legs look like tree trunks.

Maybe I shouldn't of got so frustrated when she told me she couldn't cook because she doesn't know how. Maybe I should of understood when she tells me she doesn't want to do any work in this house because she shouldn't have to. Maybe I shouldn't of got so wild when she told me she didn't want to help clean the house because she wasn't paid for it. Maybe if I paid for the piano lessons, dancing lessons and gym - she wouldn't of stole. I didn't because every other time I pay for stuff from her she gets kicked out for bad behaviour or just doesn't turn up.

The day was utterly heartbreaking. I could of simply been such a horrid unproviding mother... I didn't need to make her go without when she was being difficult. I could of.. found a way to let her have her own way.

The girls didn't get a conviction recorded. They have to attend what is called a " Youth Justice Conference" wherein representatives of the store, Jane and her fellow shoplifter and us parents and court officials discuss the impact of their actions on the community.

It was five hours of... patience. But my patience has all but ran out.

I love my daughter (s) like crazy. But this is just too hard.

The day this stupid stuff happened Jane was meant to meet me at the mall. I couldn't find them - and I walked around for hours. I wish I had of walked further, rang her maybe? Of course I could of rang her... but I just figured that would embarrass her. I knew she .. wouldn't like my intrusion. Jane seemed so happy with her new friends.. I didn't want to.. intrude on that. She was awake - out of bed and going out with friends.

MOTH has always been my rock. But when I got home from cleaning the centre today - he wasn't home. And although sometimes I absolutely CRAVE being alone... I so didn't want to be this afternoon.

I rang the youngest three's father.. and he indicated Jane was simply being... me. Which infuriated me. I never ever stole from a shop. (I did however - errr help myself to money out of my father's underwear draw and sometimes manipulate situations .. to my own benefit especially where my step mothers shop accounts where concerned) Sperm donor was delighted in having Anna with him though. Her cooking dinner and secretarial skills have made him very happy. He will never get she is capeable of so so much more. Jane is not going to be pleased at this.

I was never a teenager that gained weight through inactivity.

Was I nicer to her siblings? Did I make her entire life miserable? I feel a little afraid that I did. I shouldnt of put conditions on her getting stuff. I shouldnt of felt she had to earn any money. I DID fall apart when she was little and I wasnt much use to anyone for a few years. All I did was cook dinner and .. attend to the urgent stuff. I should of bought the Rollups and mass produced food and not insisted on home made food. But I also feel I wouldnt of had that awful fight with Anna for spending every night out had Jane not... been here. I know William stays home when Jane is away and sleeps at his mates house when Jane is home.

oh - Dog - I am not saying this is all Jane's fault.

I dont understand why Jane has no recollection of the good times. I dont understand why she only remembers the ... worst of me. I never understood why Jane only watches her sisters and me being fools and never joins in. It is awfully good fun to sing and dance badly sometimes. And yes - I really suck at being trendy... and I am not fashionable and I will not wear my skirts on my hips (fuck I cant find them anymore!) and I do get impatient shopping....

But I do feel my absolute failure. It was my job to make Jane a nice life. I absolutely didnt manage to give that to her. It was horrid at court today. All the people there were with juveniles. The wear and tear. The horrid language. The mothers who looked.. just dreadful. The tattoos, piercings and apathy. My old neighbours ... smoking in defiance. The dreadful realisation I was one of them. My daughter stole from three stores. The anger in her ... was directed at me. Why I chose to not let her just have what she wanted is beyond me. I could of been nicer.

MOTH has new found friends at his new job. So when I got home from my second job I was alone. And quite horrible because I thought he would be here.

At least tonight I can, and am, crying.

I too hope my pity party is over. But I cant pretend I feel anything other than terrible sadness.

The charges my youngest daughter incurred

That on the 15th day of December 2007 you did unlawfully take goods away from Target Gladstone.
That on the 15th day of December 2007 you did unlawfully take goods away from Kmart Gladstone.
That on the 15th day of December 2007 you did unlawfully take goods away from Big W Gladstone.

It keeps making me feel absolutely sick. But I know damn well I am not ill.

Hurry up Wednesday. I want this all over.

Treading water - breathing and trying to appear sane

I mentioned before that I dyed my hair back to dark brown on Christmas Eve - the colour it was before I went very grey when I was very young.I was 27 when I went 70% grey. And it was pretty much overnight. I had the stray grey hairs from a late teenager.. but suddenly... when I lived in a beautiful cottage on a beautiful hill with my children and William would stop breathing.. I realised my hair had gone madly grey. My dog at the time was Suzie - and oddly she too went grey the same day I realised I had. I guess we both sat and watched the sleeping baby together. Rocky seemed somewhat uncomfortable with me at first - maybe the smell of hair dye? Dogs aren't meant to see colour?

I know I have sounded like an endless pit of self pity lately with the dilemma with my two younger girls. That does bother me - I don't believe in self pity - I do believe you make your own bed. It just wasn't the scenario I wanted. And yes - who the heck do I think I am to think I can dictate how things happen.

Oh - that reminds me. The only after Christmas sales purchase I made was a set of good sheets on severe markdown. I normally only buy markdown crap sheets. These are heaven. I have been washing them in the morning and putting them back on the bed at lunch time rather than using my old ones. (MOTH and I sleep with Rocky and - well Rocky is not partial to baths.. he can be downright gross sometimes) Very small things can amuse me. I like my new sheets that were marked down .. to the same price I would normally pay for five sets of sheets.

Yep - I am that much of a peasant!

And my mind really does waffle that badly. I can start thinking about some awful news event and within seconds be thinking of fairy floss.

The lime tree and the parsley. The coriander seeded - after a ridiculous harvest that I couldn't use or give away - and I replanted some today.
The mass of green in the garden - and I tried to make myself cull some stuff to give something a chance to grow - but I actually managed to feel sorry! for all the plants and decide to just let them fight it out themselves. Except the rosemary in the black pot - I am giving that to a friend because another rosemary plant went crazy in the bigger vegetable garden.
I pulled out most of the tomatoes and capsicum - they are just falling off rotten? I planted carrots and potatoes ... maybe they will fare better with this mad weather?

The basil has gone mad - I made pesto.. well sort of. I didn't have pine nuts but I had semi dried tomatoes and roasted capsicum and eggplant in the freezer so I just... mixed it all in the blender with olive oil , garlic, some olives and some anchovies and Parmesan cheese and it tastes fantastic - and it just smells so nice....
And I am running out of ideas on what to do with the rest of it. I hacked away at most of it these last few days. I did kinda use Trundling Grunts recipe as a base and I noticed he said it freezes fine.. so I was wondering if I could just freeze the basil with oil? I should Google it.. but couldn't be bothered yet. I will think of it when the damn stuff all dies back I guess. I just put the "pesto" I made in jars in the fridge.

My girlfriend Robyn was in Rockhampton this weekend and we had hoped to make the trip to see her. But I took Anna's phone as my own (contract thing) and MOTH took my old phone - and we emailed everyone i thought may need it. I neglected to get the numbers of my friends off MOTH's phone - and it meant I couldn't contact her to organise anything for today - Sunday when we could of met up. I told Anna and the other kids we would meet her so they were all disappointed. I did email Robyn's sister telling of my error - and I did keep both phones close to me. I also sat up making food for a BBQ that never happened...

And that was kinda odd because Robyn has been a little pissed at me not making the effort to visit her. I never really understand anything I guess. The time I did want to visit her.. she couldn't because she was out of the country. I did suggest that I needed accommodation (it was my cousins wedding) and she had a boarder and it was inappropriate. And that is fair enough.

The times she visits me... are on journeys to visit family. She also has the luxury of cheap train travel... I THINK the tickets are like $5 each way within the state. I don't. My trip to Sydney.. I spent almost $5K. And I had cheap air tickets for only $3 each.

I wasted a couple of hours desperately looking around for anything that had her phone number on it so I could tell her I wanted to be there but couldn't ... well not couldn't. I could of. I was meant to be in Rockhampton. But I didn't want to go if there was a possibility of me sitting around all day waiting for someone. That is how selfish I have got.

My daughter Anna was looking forward to our visit to Rockhampton. So I disappointed her too.We all would of loved to see Robyn and the kids. William hurt his eye yesterday - and although I packed the camp/BBQ box and made rissoles for the day.. when I woke this morning I just thought... buggar driving all that way for nothing. And I never heard from Robyn today...and I really am getting cross when demands are made of me that don't seem necessary. I cannot afford to visit Cairns. I wont do things that make me feel uncomfortable.

I told Robyn that we had new phone numbers. I told her that we would make it to Rockhampton today if that is what she wanted. I wasted my time preparing for that visit. Anna and William would of loved to see her kids.

Anyway I managed to feel guilty over that too!

The mother of the shoplifter waffles on

Thursday afternoon was meant to be Jane's police interview over her shoplifting charge. She caught the train down from Rockhampton to attend and I had given her many talks on how they wanted to see she had remorse and if she did.. she would only be given a caution/warning and not be charged.

I had to start work early by an hour so that I could attend the interview at 4 pm - and I felt physically sick over it all. I have a terrible headache behind my eye that wouldn't leave me.. my stomach felt queasy and I am not much good at being fun. I don't think I was terribly good fun playing with the kids because when I am being a frog jumping over the floor making frog noises being distracted by my own worries makes me forget where we are up to.... and I don't realise the kids have changed me into a lion - and lions don't make frog noises.

When I got home - the police had called and due to staff shortages our interview had been cancelled. Fantastic.

Friday morning MOTH called my work at 6.30am and said I was sick. I probably wasn't so sick that I couldn't of worked. I just didn't feel like facing very much (and there is a monster at my work that can bring out the worst of my temper and feelings)and wanted some peace. Even if it was just making pesto from the abundant basil out the back yard.

My friend (who is also the other shoplifters mother) rang me to tell me they had been given an interview that day... and I rang to see if we could organise the same. They agreed to fit us in after explaining their very busy schedule and how they had staffing issues (yeah - no shit.... I too rearranged my working hours and probably ended up causing a staffing issue at my own work for it)but out of the brilliance of their hearts they would fit us in.

I just sat and smelt my basil seeing my plans had changed. I tried to suggest that Jane's attire for the interview wasn't.. great but she grumped at me so I decided to let it go. I would of liked her to dress... nicely. A skirt? a nice shirt. Something demure and elegant. She chose a mismatch of colours and writing and a colourful bikini top covered with a t-shirt that to me looked as if she was on her way to the town pool. I suggested some of my own clothing... but resisted the urge to yell when she snorted at that suggestion.

I told myself to concentrate on the big stuff not the little stuff. Because I always feel like I am yelling at Jane. I mean it - always. Even when I am not yelling at her I FEEL like I am because I am getting uptight about the mess she has left on the kitchen bench/bathroom floor/bedroom/living room cushions she is walking over that shouldn't be on the floor.. etc etc. I get uptight when I get home from work for lunch and she is in bed. I get so tense and annoyed when I find she has washed one skirt and one top and nothing else. I start feeling like throwing things when I find the clothes I bought her less than a few months ago are in the garbage bin or find a pile of her dirty clothes under her bed when she is insisting she has nothing to wear.

The investigator at the Police station is an immaculately presented and attractive woman who takes me for a chat before the actual interview. She explains that she needs to see remorse etc and that she will appear hostile and may offend with her portrayal of a police officer reprimanding a young person who has committed a crime. I explain that it is actually Jane's nature to appear taciturn and to look at the ceiling when an adult is chastising her - and she advised she wasn't going to allow Jane to do that to her. I had a few minutes alone with Jane where I told her.. DO NOT LOOK AT THE CEILING - ANSWER HER TRUTHFULLY AND LOOK AT HER... MAKE SURE YOU DON'T BE RUDE TO HER... TELL HER YOU ARE SO SORRY AND WONT DO IT AGAIN!!!

And just like you see on the movies - the interview begins. The tapes are put in the huge machine (our government must get ripped off pretty badly - why the hell the huge machine to do something so tiny?)The Investigator also writes in her large handwriting the minutes of the interview. Jane's rights, what this interview is for etc - and then into the sordid details of what happened that day these two naughty, beautiful (and very loved) girls decided to amuse themselves shoplifting. Three stores. What they took. How they concealed it - undoing the packaging, acting casual, stuffing it in their bags and what their intended use for the item was. My concealing my fury at Jane taking long black pants and socks for work (when all she had to do was say she needed them - ok maybe they wouldn't of been the same ones Jane stole - but for all other purposes Jane owned three pairs of long black pants and our sock collection... well that's bloody legendary. Ok - I concede some mornings finding an EXACT pair can be somewhat difficult)

Jane looks at the ceiling. She taps her fingers indicating she is impatient. She rolls her eyes and answers questions with.. yeah yeah... and hmmmffffppphhhh (that is an actual sound - just trust me) she gets impatient and rude to the interviewer and says "what do you want me to say?" and "well - I don't know it was just for fun" and I do my best to stop myself from crying. But the damn tears wont stop anyway. I know shes blown it. I can see the Investigator getting annoyed with this spoilt brat who treats it as a bore a joke... and some dreadful adult forcing her to yet again do something she doesn't want to do. This takes hmmm.. from 1.52pm to 2.33pm. The investigator leaves the room obviously annoyed and I desperately want to flee so I can cry somewhere by myself. I suddenly wish she hasn't left me alone with Jane because I want to slap Jane's face myself. Wouldn't look awfully good me assaulting a minor at a police station.

I say to Jane.. "You have blown this. Don't you understand you CANT have a criminal record because you cannot work with children if you have one?" Thinking using something I KNOW Jane loves and cares about.. might jog her to rethink her actions. She retorts with a definite snarl "I have changed my mind I don't want to work with children."

Fantastic. Now you are not just a thief but a liar too. And the person your lying to the most.. is yourself.

The investigator returns and I fight back tears again when she says.. Jane will be charged..she shows no remorse... and I can do nothing but nod my head.. I agree completely with her. My tears are just my utter humiliation that I am responsible for raising this... person that at that very moment I like very little.... who at the same time is someone I love so very much.

I found comfort in my friend who is also suffering at the actions of her shoplifting daughter. And my daughter Anna (who is in Rockhampton with her father) was.. remarkably understanding and considerate of my feelings. In a telephone conversation she managed to make Jane cry and I am still not sure how or why that happened.

In the ensuing argument with Jane where I berated her for her inability to show remorse and make this proceed to the next level - Wednesday morning at 8.30 she goes to court to be charged with three counts of shoplifting... she once again indicated it was all my fault - her childhood was terrible, she had to cook and clean at age 5 (a remarkable accusation when you consider the fact she can do neither now... she has no clue how to organise the simplest of family meals and her idea of cleaning is to shove things under something)I was a drunk (there is truth in that) and I never liked her I only liked Anna and William, and that I spoilt William rotten.

The latter is not true. Oh - I could of spoilt these three kids rotten there could be truth in that. But that I favoured them over Jane is not true. It was just easier to be with Anna - and you know what? Anna COULD cook/cater for a large party. Those years Jane was at boarding school.. life was easier for the four of us. Jane's return home has been hard on all of us. This house is too small. Maybe I should of got a bigger house. But I dont feel comfortable rewarding Jane's bad behaviour with what she wants.

William had apnoea and has bone tumours. And there is no... end to that. Fucking great lumps that impede his movement and make him suffer... that he tries so hard to never show me... he isn't nearly as spoilt as I would let him be if I could... she is probably damn lucky I stayed as drunk as I could for weeks after his tumour removal...(I only bothered to be sober for doctors appointments or any time I had to drive) It wasn't a pretty time. I didn't cope very well.

I probably retaliated badly. I asked MOTH to put the cable tv in William's room today. Another furious moment at my beautiful daughters selfishness... She doesn't get that these kids didn't get expensive boarding school. She doesn't get that I really resented spending money on shrinks and doctors visits and having to attend endless school interviews because of her bad behaviour... that i always felt pressured to drug Jane... and refused to do it so it felt to me that I was battling too many battles. She doesn't get that Anna and William were there threw all of it... and must of been as disgusted at my behaviour... but never showed it like she does. They never tattled on my ... indiscretions. They just... hung round me and talked to me. Touched my shoulders and patted my head. Picked me up when I fell over. Reminded me to wear clothes when I felt it necessary to yell at the neighbours.

I remember one night watching "The Osbourne's" on tv and Ozzie was throwing bricks or rocks at the neighbours for playing dreadful music. Which I can relate to. However.. Sharon (who had to be as intoxicated or close) came out with a bag of bread and persuaded him to throw that instead. And as I roared laughing I also cried because.. that's a little like us.

This crime of Jane's bugs me like no other. I abhor stealing. You cant need to steal in Australia... its impossible. To starve in this country you simply have to be an imbecile. You can steal if its to feed yourself or your family, or to obtain necessary health stuff. Here - that's all available to you. Free. The second person in the street will give you bread and a can of baked beans. No hospital will refuse you. Jane was stealing utter crap - baby stuff and makeup and clothes. The baby stuff for people.. who don't need to steal it. The makeup - nope I cant forgive that my kids are capable of working for luxuries. The clothes.. oh heaven that is just bullshit. I can understand lots of crimes. It doesn't mean I condone them - it just means I can understand them. I can understand assault when someone has been so ghastly that.. harming them makes sense. I wanted to slap Jane's face at least twice yesterday and that is definitely assault.

I can understand murder in a few cases - for instance years of abuse that makes someone... react with a crime. I can understand verbally abusing someone.. because I have.. had occasion to want to do that myself or.. probably did it. (ok so I have absolutely verbally abused some people) I have mooned people in public before in a mischievous mood. Preformed lewd acts .... ummm.. wow. Trespassed... I do that on a regular basis when I am fishing. Two of my absolute favourite fishing spots are called "No trespassing" and "Trespassers will be prosecuted". MOTH laughs at me and kisses my head when I tell him I want to go to "No trespassing". MOTH only kisses my head when I am acting weird. I know that.

It was utterly dreadful to watch my beautiful daughter become this awful, angry teenager with a chip on her shoulder that lets her believe stealing was ok. It is utterly humiliating to admit it has to be all my fault. I wasnt a good enough mother. I let her down .. many times. I shouldnt of cooked - I should of bought the stuff she wanted. I shouldnt of forced her to exercise. I shouldnt of just caved in when she got kicked out of drama or anything else she was enrolled in... I should of argued I paid for the lessons she should have them. But at the time I just felt... they kicked her out for her bad behaviour so I have to cop it.

I am so unbelievably angry with her. But the same part of me that wants to shake her and tell her... stop stop stop... wants to hug her and tell her she is so terribly loved...

And it really all makes me feel sick. I dont have a temperature.. and there is nothing wrong with me. But I would love to crawl into my bed and stay there.

On Wednesday Jane has to show the magistrate that she is sorry. It wouldnt be that hard. She could say something like.... I am so sorry what I did I thought was fun but I have humiliated myself my family and destroyed a girls employment - I feel so sad and will never ever steal again.... but she WONT...

She will say... fuck you all your boring me ... i will just stare at the ceiling...crack my knuckles and pretend to play keyboard....have a few random stabs at my mother who couldnt cope well when my brother was small...and remember nothing of the good just the bad... I never did provide the shit Jane wanted.

And it breaks my heart.