Court day

I didn't sleep very well last night. I watched the clock this morning from bed terrified of sleeping over. But I felt so ridiculously tired.

Jane had a shower and then I told her to look at some clothes for her to wear to her court appearance today.I had asked her Monday and Tuesday to find something suitable but the sofa and the bedroom, television and PlayStation2 and xbox were far more important.

We had a .. small altercation wherein I lost my temper at her... distaste at wearing things I suggested and in the end she resurrected the same blouse I bought for her for her first job interview with a top I bought at the post Christmas sales and my navy blue work skirt. She looked beautiful.

That damn blouse - I bought it for her on this awful day we went shopping for job interview clothes. It was on sale - 50% off and just less than $40. I thought it was a bargain, and she did get the job. And then - I found the blouse in a bag for the opportunity shops and I.. lost my temper. Worn once. Perfect condition.

"Why the hell is this here?" says me.

"Because it's ugly." says Jane.

I guess she didn't get that I spent double on it than what I would spend on myself and that I expect clothing to be somewhat more durable than once only. But I didn't react with nice understanding Mummy - I reacted angry and annoyed and ...

I have done that maybe 30 times this year alone. I have been annoyed at Jane for being asleep as the rest of us went clothes shopping and I have just selected things for her whilst shopping that also met the fate of the opportunity shop bag. The time I got her sister Anna to buy her school uniform shirt because Jane just would not go and purchase it for herself. The fury because had I given my other children my debit card and told to go get a uniform they would of been there so quick my card would of been smoking - but Jane would retort to me... You expect ME to walk to the uniform shop? She would roll her eyes and simply go back to what she wants to do...absolutely believing that if she only has one uniform and it isn't clean then she can just not go to school.

And I guess I was a real bitch of a mother. I would become more determined to make her act for herself. In the end Anna just asked me for the debit card and she went and bought it and we hid it until the next time Jane said... "Can't go to school - my uniform isn't clean - you wont buy me enough."

Ok - that is the self pitying shit my dear girlfriend tells me is completely unbecoming. But it all rocked home hard again this morning.

We arrived early because we wanted to use the duty solicitor. I did make toast but I forgot to ate it and fed it to the dogs cold. So the wait ... made me hungry and less than nice tempered. I was lucky I guess that my friend and colleague was there - our beautiful naughty daughters causing somewhat odd family time. I had to laugh at that... when we discuss how we should go camping, playing in the water etc time together as families.. we didn't mean at the courthouse.

And the wait was certainly easier with companions.

The interview with the solicitor was... horrific. Once again - Jane indicated the reason she stole was because I didn't provide. (You have to remember that the majority of the stuff these girls stole was BABY CLOTHES - and no, neither of them are pregnant.) The solicitor pointed out to Jane that she was dressed beautifully today and that Jane's statement that she had to steal looked rather.... ridiculous.

I just wanted to slap Jane's face.

I mean that and I completely understand why it sounds so awful. Fancy wanting to slap your own daughters face!

But at the same time - I felt so terribly guilty. Maybe I should of driven her to the shops when she woke at 1 pm (actually they are mostly shut then anyway - I work fulltime)... Maybe I should of bought her the designer clothes she wanted and not said... I will pay for the basics if you want designer names you work and pay for your own... Maybe I should of moved houses and given her her own beautiful bedroom... Maybe I should of provided her own computer and satellite tv channels... Maybe I should of been more tolerant on those awful shopping trips with Jane wherein after four or five hours and nothing was good enough...

After all - I didn't really NEED to go to lunch with my friends. I didn't really NEED to spend the money we were given on a new dinner setting. I didn't need to have the one hairdressers appointment I had last year that cost $150 (lets face it i was upset at spending that money too - I shouldn't of done that) I probably should of cooked more and not bought pre-prepared food. I shouldn't of got mad at her for using our cash and buying her school lunches instead of making her own like the other two children did.

Maybe had I indulged her... maybe I shouldn't of said... "You are not wearing that". Maybe I should of paid for her gym membership that she was sure would make her skinny again. Maybe I shouldn't of got cranky at that and said "Oh for heavens sake just get off your butt and DO SOMETHING" and you wont be so damn big.

I definitely shouldn't of told her she is resembling her auntie and her legs look like tree trunks.

Maybe I shouldn't of got so frustrated when she told me she couldn't cook because she doesn't know how. Maybe I should of understood when she tells me she doesn't want to do any work in this house because she shouldn't have to. Maybe I shouldn't of got so wild when she told me she didn't want to help clean the house because she wasn't paid for it. Maybe if I paid for the piano lessons, dancing lessons and gym - she wouldn't of stole. I didn't because every other time I pay for stuff from her she gets kicked out for bad behaviour or just doesn't turn up.

The day was utterly heartbreaking. I could of simply been such a horrid unproviding mother... I didn't need to make her go without when she was being difficult. I could of.. found a way to let her have her own way.

The girls didn't get a conviction recorded. They have to attend what is called a " Youth Justice Conference" wherein representatives of the store, Jane and her fellow shoplifter and us parents and court officials discuss the impact of their actions on the community.

It was five hours of... patience. But my patience has all but ran out.

I love my daughter (s) like crazy. But this is just too hard.

The day this stupid stuff happened Jane was meant to meet me at the mall. I couldn't find them - and I walked around for hours. I wish I had of walked further, rang her maybe? Of course I could of rang her... but I just figured that would embarrass her. I knew she .. wouldn't like my intrusion. Jane seemed so happy with her new friends.. I didn't want to.. intrude on that. She was awake - out of bed and going out with friends.

MOTH has always been my rock. But when I got home from cleaning the centre today - he wasn't home. And although sometimes I absolutely CRAVE being alone... I so didn't want to be this afternoon.

I rang the youngest three's father.. and he indicated Jane was simply being... me. Which infuriated me. I never ever stole from a shop. (I did however - errr help myself to money out of my father's underwear draw and sometimes manipulate situations .. to my own benefit especially where my step mothers shop accounts where concerned) Sperm donor was delighted in having Anna with him though. Her cooking dinner and secretarial skills have made him very happy. He will never get she is capeable of so so much more. Jane is not going to be pleased at this.

I was never a teenager that gained weight through inactivity.

Was I nicer to her siblings? Did I make her entire life miserable? I feel a little afraid that I did. I shouldnt of put conditions on her getting stuff. I shouldnt of felt she had to earn any money. I DID fall apart when she was little and I wasnt much use to anyone for a few years. All I did was cook dinner and .. attend to the urgent stuff. I should of bought the Rollups and mass produced food and not insisted on home made food. But I also feel I wouldnt of had that awful fight with Anna for spending every night out had Jane not... been here. I know William stays home when Jane is away and sleeps at his mates house when Jane is home.

oh - Dog - I am not saying this is all Jane's fault.

I dont understand why Jane has no recollection of the good times. I dont understand why she only remembers the ... worst of me. I never understood why Jane only watches her sisters and me being fools and never joins in. It is awfully good fun to sing and dance badly sometimes. And yes - I really suck at being trendy... and I am not fashionable and I will not wear my skirts on my hips (fuck I cant find them anymore!) and I do get impatient shopping....

But I do feel my absolute failure. It was my job to make Jane a nice life. I absolutely didnt manage to give that to her. It was horrid at court today. All the people there were with juveniles. The wear and tear. The horrid language. The mothers who looked.. just dreadful. The tattoos, piercings and apathy. My old neighbours ... smoking in defiance. The dreadful realisation I was one of them. My daughter stole from three stores. The anger in her ... was directed at me. Why I chose to not let her just have what she wanted is beyond me. I could of been nicer.

MOTH has new found friends at his new job. So when I got home from my second job I was alone. And quite horrible because I thought he would be here.

At least tonight I can, and am, crying.

I too hope my pity party is over. But I cant pretend I feel anything other than terrible sadness.