Gardening continued

Here we are - now it has neat little sides that I can sit on and rest my drink on. The pak choy seedlings are just up! And the dogs have been angels - not once since original construction day have either of them chose to play in it. I should of taken a photo of the terrible mess in the yard they have made instead!

Answering SzélsőFa about water firstly.

We are handwatering and of course hoping for rain. Sometimes we get evening showers regularly. Sometimes I watch the radar when I spot the clouds... and they seem to just spread out and completely miss us. The cynics in the community blame the pollution and industry.

Because of the heat - Moth waters in the morning before work - I water again at lunch time and when he comes home from work he enjoys drinking a wine spritzer with the watering can.

We rent here - so we dont pay the excess water bill. As far as I am aware - we don't get one anyway... because once the Landlady did complain we had one - and she hasnt complained since. Here - households are allocated a usage .. and if the meter shows we use more - then homeowners get an extra charge on their local rates (taxes) bill.

Our water supply for the community is the beautiful Awoonga dam. I have shown some pictures of it here.

The dam had been very low when we arrived here and they had just completed upgrading of the dam walls - and then every household had strict water restrictions. Beautiful gardens had been abandoned and it was terribly dry everywhere. Alternative water suggestions were being discussed in public and industry were trying to do their bit to contribute to conservation. Then a small (I think category 2) Cylone (Beni) came near.... and brought enough rain to restock the dam - and now our area doesnt have a water problem!

We went fishing at Awoonga back when the water was low and caught huge catfish (in Australia they are pests and very few people try to eat them). For some mad reason I decided that I was going to eat them because my northern friends assured me they were edible. Cutting a very long story short - I gave up and told the kids to drag the ... slighlty mangled fish across the mudflats far away from the house. Beni bought along a flood... that bought the fish straight back into my yard. I stay the hell away from them now. They might be fun to catch.. but they can damn well stay at Awoonga. Nasty, freaky fish. Only good fun to catch. There are reasons Australians only eat nice fish.

Then to Trundling Grunt who I had most certainly admired his gardening and as I perused his blog - the irony that someone I enjoy reading ALL THAT WAY AWAY.. is basically doing the same thing we are doing! But after SNOW AND COLD STUFF!

Being so close to the coast.. and at the tropic of Capricorn - we dont even get frost here EVER. When I whinge it is cold it means it is less than 21 C. At night time in winter it falls to 12 -15 C - but I wouldnt know really - I am safe and warm in my bed. Last year we did buy a heater. But really it was just a luxury... I could of done what I have every other year and told the family to all wear a cardigan or a jumper.

Ok - and that said.. I have an odd confession. I considered this house... more like something I was camping in.. and so didnt worry about the badly patched paint inside or the lack of gardens .. for over two years. I kept storing my furniture and .. basically kept saying.. when we move I will fix it. Then... some time last year I decided that my attitude really really sucked. So - I have painted the main living areas and almost finished the trims. I am about to tackle the bathroom and loo - and will do it cheaply but well. I have bought furniture out of storage and found ways for it to fit in a little house that was never meant to have my stuff in it. But oddly enough - this little change in my attitude has made me feel so much happier.

We crazy paved a walk way out the back and built a garden up the fence that will soon screen me from our neighbours. The tomatos and capsicums that grow from that garden have given us great pleasure.


And look what Moth has been dragging home from a worksite this week. There is enough to pave either the entire carport... or around the pool I hope to buy this winter. His work is pulling up these pavers to make way for a more modern finish. These are meant to be dumped... but they are all coming home instead.

Now - the pool is a funny story on its own.. and I will attempt to tell it soon!

The almost finished vegetable garden

I think it looks great! Moth wants to put palings ontop so we can sit on it and rest stuff on it..and to finish the look. But that can wait. I wanted to just go buy everything - he decided to drag me to the Tip Top Shop (the local garbage rufuse recycling store) and he found the corrugated iron and bits of wood. All up the materials were $15 from the Tip Top Shop and we already had the screws.

The first load of soil was free as it was just crappy soil from his worksite. The other two loads of soil cost $17 and $21. We had the capsicum and tomato seedlings - from seed in the other garden. The parsley and lettuce I went and bought from the supermarket for $1.77 a punnet. The middle section we planted pak choy in it from seed.

I guess tonight we find out if I have to erect the chicken wire fencing to keep the dogs out!

Holidays

Moth is on holidays again. They end Tuesday.

He has caught two mud crabs. He, his mate that Anna and I call "fuckshitcunt" (BEHIND his back of course) and my son Will went outside in a friends boat yesterday. The water was very choppy .. which Will found fun and exciting. Until they got outside and parked near a reef...and the water was still. Will then got very sick. So - they had to come back into the safety of the harbour.

It can be amusing really.

"Christian - Fuckshitcunt rang... I said you would call him back."

"Oh - great maybe we will go fishing."

This family cant be accused of not being on the same wavelength.

I quizzed as to why they couldnt of rang and said Will was sick - and I could of met them somewhere and they could of gone back into the mad waves of the deeper ocean.... and within minutes I noticed Moth was giving Will money to go hire video games ... when normally he complains this is a waste of money.

Today Moth built me a new vegetable garden and tomorrow we go buy the dirt to go in it. Well... I hope we do. But really.. I feel for him. It is after all his holidays - he should be having fun. William isnt in the slightest concerned about his... feeling sea sick yesterday. But I guess I did wake up this morning yelling about the smell... Moth left the carcasses of the crab pots in the boat overnight... And I yelled again before second coffee when I realised he was cleaning the pots and boats WITH THE DOGS! Who eat that crap and smell bad too.

But he built me exactly what I wanted. I was surprised he even listens to what I want? I thought I wanted it in sleepers (the thick wood used on railway lines) but he built me mine in corrugated iron and wood.

Friday Moth took William and some mates to a school soccer competition. This is normally my domain - but it was nice for William to take his step father. I had a job interview (we can go there later) ... Blogger is not being my friend and letting me upload pictures.

GREEN fingernails

In an effort to apologise for my whingy boring posts - here are my newly painted and stuck finger nails. In Green! Yep - shivers. They feel awful. Bits stuck to my nails generally mean I have been productive and played with shellac or some other kind of product. I didn't... I haven't.

Anna "found" another woman in my age group looking for friends. Who want their nails done.

Knowing my luck she has signs out looking for these people. It was lovely to have someone try to make me look pretty. Shame it has to take so bloody long and I have the attention span of a goldfish and cannot sit for long without thinking of something else I want to do.

I have no idea why I let Anna chose the colour either. But it only cost $10. And I was left wondering how the hell she could afford to drive to our house for that.

But - dont ask me stuff.. I always get confused.

Another whingy post!

My three youngest children have a father who would of made a more useful brick for them to sit on. At least his use would of been regular and needed.

Pre the MOTH (Man of the house aka the stepfather) and when sperm donor and I were together creating these beautiful people... as a husband and father he was ... difficult but I was too lenient to really recognise it. I really never knew our relationship was terrible until I had to move to the city because of my sons health problems.. and realised life was a hell of a lot easier without someone shouting at me to keep the toddlers and baby quiet, clean up the toys and mess and complaining breakfast, lunch and dinner was either not hot enough or delivered late. And - along the way I simply never went back. Life wasn't easy alone.. and we then faced mad financial bullshit too... (bushlawyers at the local pub told him not to pay the mortgage because I would get everything etc) But life without his input was certainly easier. The toddler girls and baby son where quite happy if I mashed banana onto toast or fed it via a spoon. They didn't want a hot breakfast. For the first entire year I did not eat beef at all - their fathers staple diet.I still wont eat it twice in a row.

Anyway - sperm donor is FURIOUS that I have had to tell Child Support Agency I do not and have not collected any money from him. For a few years.. he paid me $10 a fortnight. As we all know that goes a long way to caring for some goldfish.

I am feeling nasty so best I keep it quick.

The reason I have to tell CSA he isn't paying - is because now that our initial property purchases plus the income from the estate of his late mother and the fact his horses actually won some races.... means he earns too much money. And therefore, is meant to provide support for his children. And if I don't collect what the CSA says he is to pay.. it is considered part of MOTH's and my income. MOTH works 10-12 hours a day and has fed/clothed/housed etc 2/3 of these kids for 100% of 11 years and 1/3 of these kids for 8 years. Sperm donor does pay Jane's boarding fees. If I had received the money that he was calculated able to pay.... I could of paid Jane's boarding school fees with that money. And bought a new small car. ETC.

He hasn't lodged a few tax returns. I know he made a miscalculation with the sale of the last house .. and suspect he is up for a large amount of capital gains tax... but aside from that.. there will be a considerable amount of income.

He is furious that he has to pay me money..something he always promised he would never do. When I was threatened with bankruptcy over a dog bite case.. he gave me the $20k i asked for to get my name off those properties so fast it was amazing.

But the reason I am whinging is at the awful time he gives the kids over this.... fact he had to pay me money (that I haven't received and that he apparently has appealed and has a new yearly estimate on his income that he has to pay me $111 a year child support). Anna gets distressed over his phone calls.. where he says what a bitch I am taking all his money. He tells all the kids he knows I am keeping the kids away from him because of the money. This is rubbish... he bores them to death and treats them as unpaid servants.. they prefer to stay home. Jane chooses to have her holidays with us...

It is kinda nice reading blogs to see I am not alone in this rubbish. But the money he has been ordered to pay me... is already spent on money I owe my 16 year old daughter..school and sporting fees for the children, overdue payments I fell behind in meeting the kids fees and there should be $300 left for us to buy new school clothes, soccer gear and I do want a new tower for one of the pc's. That the kids use..

The kids do know better than the garbage he is sprouting. But I still hate the sadness in their eyes as they deal with this.

Whilst we in this household argue about the little things... I was cranky at MOTH yesterday for playing the martyr with working on a cupboard for the kitchen...and then complaining about how I kept him from his pleasures... MOTH and Anna argued over money for the upcoming cheer leading competition and performance at State of Origin in Brisbane that costs a fortune... Jane and Sara (my oldest daughter) seem to be plotting their own plans... I lost my temper at having to cook two separate dinners yesterday.... Sperm donor has the hide to whinge about having to pay money for his kids. $10 a fortnight for three years and suddenly he as to pay $1700.

Jane (at boarding school) cant continue her job because Sperm donor wont do the taxiing. I whinge like all hell about the taxiing - but I do it anyway. He doesn't deal with the illnesses, the hurt feelings, the covering of books, the help with homework, the appointments, the games to watch, the "keeping up appearances" (real for us - we are such comparative peasants to the kids peers),the constant growth spurts, he has "talks" (read directions) to me about William's tumours and how I should do something. Do WHAT. Nope I cant put a question mark there. Because there is no fucking question. If he is so worried.. why cant he drag him there and do the sit and wait while someone takes a saw to him? Blah I know I will have to face this.. and probably sooner than I want to. But I just want to smack him when he tells me I have too. I did the first one.. it was horrible. I dont want to do that again.

I want to write about the funny stuff that happens every day. How the dogs amuse me all the time. Some of my friends are having wonderful times. A couple of them are having terrible times.

I havent had an orgasm in almost a week. That always makes me bad tempered. Maybe thats it.

The last person with cake

When you are the last person with cake.. you have excellent well mannered friends.

And yes.. I have to attend to the painting etc... I am getting around to it.

Can't leave Rocky out.

He too likes cake. And he too has BEAUTIFUL manners.

Chocolate cake is NOT FOR DOGS

People tell us this all the time. Chocolate is just not good for dogs. Yet - we buy them the worming tablets in chocolate. And they just like it so very much!

Dotti was asking very nicely for a piece. (Ok - I am a bad pet owner I did let her lick the bowl) Sorry the photo is a little blurry.

But - the recipe is lovely and easy, tastes delicious and must be a hundred shades of bad for you.

Chocolate cake not for Dotti

Ingredients

1 big cup of strong coffee (instant will do but will taste better with good stuff)
125 grams of butter
250 grams of chocolate (generic tastes fine - but again the better stuff ...)
2 eggs
1 1/2 cups of brown sugar
1 1/2 cups of plain flour
1/4 cup of self raising flour
1/4 cup of cocoa

Method

Over a low heat melt the coffee, butter, chocolate pieces and brown sugar until it all melts. Take off heat and set aside until it is room temperature. (You know the drill - now its time to do laundry, mop floors and assemble soccer gear whilst throwing the ball for the dogs)Preheat the oven to 150 C when the floor is almost dry.

When its cool, add eggs and beat well... then sift in the dry ingredients and mix well. Grease your tin and pour it in. It will be ready in about an hour and a bit. (Time to watch something frivolous on tv - or for those good Mummies to do that thing with the hot triangle thing that makes clothes flat or whatever. Mothers that don't have to do the school taxi thing could imbibe in whatever they felt like.Don't worry - even if you hate chocolate like me - you wont forget this one because it smells so nice.)

The cakes cooked when you put a skewer in it and it comes out clean. Let it cool in the tin before turning out. I just use that cheat icing sugar in the can now days... or you could just dust icing sugar over it and place things on it first to make it have pretty patterns.

Then - make sure the dogs cant reach it! A special feature of this cake is if you freeze it for school lunches - it always tastes fresh... and doesn't seem to freeze completely.. maybe that is just our weather though?

My new favourite movie

The story of the weeping camel.

Dunno - wasn't just the camel who wept. I sure did.

Beautifully made - birth of the camel amazing! The children - the family! Oh - it was just wonderful.

I searched to buy the dvd - but it seems to only ship to US and Canada - and every picture related was under license. I hate that crap - surely occasionally they can give SOMETHING for free?

Where we live

Yep - right across the road from the railroad! We honestly don't notice the shunting of the coal trains anymore. Visitors always look alarmed when they first hear/feel the shunting.(I think if you click on the photo you can see it bigger)

I kinda got the idea for this blog reading Tjilpi's and admiring his Google Earth pictures. We like to play with Google Earth especially for plotting our fishing and crabbing expeditions.

The IRONY is that I always wanted to grow up in the Adam's family. In a small way - I have succeeded with that!I completely live with the coal dust and have made peace with it years ago. On occasion I have taken my friend Rox's advice and played with leaving doilies on surfaces to create great new patterns.

Moth and Anna HATE where we live and always claim they want to move. William wouldn't care less if we lived in a cardboard box under the bridge so long as he had a bike and a soccer ball.

I - love it. I can walk to the supermarket, the post office, the video shop, the club, work (both paid and volunteer) and to the beach and boardwalk. (Ok - so it isn't the prettiest of beaches but it will do. I will fish in a bucket of water if necessary)

There is a bulk billing doctors surgery too (which means swipe your card and its free) but unfortunately the doctors all come from overseas and have NO IDEA how to prescribe the cheaper medicines... And all the drugs they do prescribe you think.. I have seen this before - and it dawns on you the same drug name was on their notepaper, pens and clock on the wall.

If you ask for Ducene - you get a lecture on how they don't prescribe narcotics that makes you feel like a terrible mad druggo... when really all you wanted was a little peace from feeling like your a wound up spinning top and lets face it - I doubt THEY have ever sat to figure out a weekly budget wherein you have to make sure three kids attend whatever sporting, social, school excursion or concert and at the same time feed and house 5 people or attend a P & C meeting and host a child's birthday party that same day. Waffled again. I have been Ducene free since I arrived in Gladstone. I probably should put that on my list for our next trip to Brisbane.

Woops waffling again.

I like where I live because I am close to everything I need. It takes five minutes to walk to the boardwalk. Its a funny boardwalk - they must of spent so much building it. And it is all mine. Never ever do I come across anyone on it. I can walk the dogs as far as the beach - and never see anyone. When you get to the beach there are giant signs warning of $375 fines for having dogs there. Somewhere - sometime - Gladstone must of had someone who really hated dogs working in local council.

William and his mates utilise the mud flats by building bike jumps. They spend hours having fun with their bikes there. And afterwards it is a five minute bike ride to the beach. We have lost so many shovels and picks to those bike jumps. Will comes home and asks to borrow them - I tell him bring them home... and sometimes he forgets. Smart parents probably turn up every day at dusk and obtain heaps of cool gardening equipment. Sadly I never remember.

Hey! That is probably why other parents can afford takeout all the time and I have to spend hours cooking! I outlay more on garden tools!

I love the children in our area. I love the fact they cant do anything madly wrong - because all the parents know each other and will DOB. There are one or two troublemakers.. but my dogs hate them and they are wary of my dogs. It works just fine. I like the fact I have a dozen other parents phone numbers in my cell phone address book. I like the fact I know these other parents also watch out their windows at 3 pm to watch the children come home from school.

William's school has a pool. And is now completely airconditioned. William used to sink in water. Now he .. swims .. even if it is a little uncoordinated it is still swimming. He rides his bike to school - and refuses my offer of a lift even if it is raining.

Anna wont walk or ride or even catch the school bus. This would be beneath her. And woe is me if I am late. Or worse if I am in a hurry and cant wait for her to finish talking to her friends and honk the horn or WORSE - get out of the car. And normally her best friends mother does the morning lifts and I do the afternoon ones. But if they have a tiff - both of us have to do both. Which drives me to absolute DISTRACTION AND MADNESS because - S has better things to do than play taxi and so do I.

Or .. maybe we don't. It still frustrates me. If I have to drive I am happy to take the other kids. I couldn't give a rats ass if they are fighting today. Tomorrow they will be best buddies again. And S doesn't mind mornings whereas if I don't have paid work or if I don't have something I committed myself too.. I like to stay in bed and laze around till after 9 am. S also has little kids to pick up as well - at the same time.

Moth has to drive across town usually to get to work. That takes 10 minutes really. He claims he would like to live closer to his work. I find that ironic because he always proclaims he hates his work. Moth doesn't like the fact the police frequent our area a lot because - especially in the past- the area had problems with the ATSI housing residents - but that has kinda sorted itself out now. The local newspaper reported some of them went to jail and the others all were relocated into houses in other suburbs.

I like the fact that as I walk anywhere in my little area - I know the names of the dogs and some of the people. I genuinely like and care about some of these. Well I like ALL the dogs. I seem to especially like the yapper dogs that bug everybody else. Their yapping is amusing to me - and when I hear a complaint - I as politely as I can say I like it. I like the security in waving hello at them (yes people and dogs) and knowing they are safe and well.

Hoping everyone is safe and well.

Wank stuff!

I was scribe today at a "Strategic Planning Meeting" that was coordinated by a psychologist who specialises in.. workplace .. stuff! (All that scribing just does my head in with words!)

Anyways - in an attempt to keep the attendees alert and awake - our clever speaker gave us a game of Wank word bingo. Anytime she used the words on the sheet we put our button on them - and when five had been said - we could call Bingo and win something!


Except - she gave us M&M's as buttons! And yes! I accidently ate all mine!

And I SO WANTED TO WIN SOMETHING JUST ONCE!

Oh well! Happy International Women's Day tomorrow... even if your male. And if your wife comes home a wee bit socially excited after lunch - it was not my idea to have bubbles at lunch!

Well - OK - it might be! Cheerio!

The Magic stinky stuff returns

And life is good again. I shit you not.

Moth came home cranky and tired. It is hot, and he works in the sun and sometimes his boss isn't the most reasonable person on earth. He also works with ear plugs in his ears and takes it seems to take him a while to get the noise level right.

I had ensured that dinner was ready, no dishes were in the sink, no visable mess (I shoved it all into the hallway cupboard - remind me about that. The dead flowers will stink soon)and I made sure I was clean and didnt have a paint brush or a heap or dirt on my butt to indicate I had been playing all day. Harmonious home. He told me the stories of his boss and co-worker pissing him off until lunch time. I said nothing except the normal condolences and gee that sucks stuff.

He changed from his work clothes and put on a pair of shorts with a huge hole in the butt. I mean HUGE. I thought... OH FUCKING BRILLIANT.I am gunna get yelled at a heap soon. Before I fold stuff up and put it away I should check. (Or - did I drink too many wines last night and take to his clothes with a pair of scissors again.) Nevermind. I pointed out that he could go to check and see if the stinky stuff has returned...and he grizzled he had no fuel. I pointed out a stash of money I had kept - and he took my car! I don't like it when he takes my car.

As he walked out the house with the hole in his shorts - I thought.. blah I dont care. I am not his Mother! Ha! RIGHT.

Well he came all smiles. He knew I was on the telephone on a long distance call to my Mama. And he was still smiling!Anna and Will came home from soccer and he was still smiling! And no one got yelled at even when we laughed at the hole in his shorts! No one got yelled at when we told him how unreasonable he has been the past four days! Even he laughed and said "Bugga - REALLY!"

Anna told him - you quit again .. warn us because we are all going on holidays. And he is still smiling! He did change his shorts when he realised I wanted a picture of it. It would of been so funny for the blog. He asked me why I didnt tell him and I said "You were being an asshole - why would I?"

I wondered why were he obtains the stinky stuff - no one told him there? Good thing he wore undies today I tell YOU!

I can sleep in my own bed again! If I decide to take something apart at midnight or sand something - I can! If I choose not to wash up tonight - no one is gunna say a word! At ten pm he is not going to suddenly want to argue with me about how ungrateful we all are and how we treat him like a mushroom!

Nope - he is happy so long as he can find food! So easy! So perfect! All his favourite foods can come back and there will be no more rubbish about serving him steamed vegetables!

A special thank you special people for being so supportive during my misery days! It was so nice to be able to... have some understanding! It really just is that I am so.. used to the way things are. I KNOW he hates his job. I know his boss can be difficult. I know he feels as though it is impossible for him to rise above it. AND I know how bloody difficult we all are.

But the "mellow" Moth is so much nicer. So much more understanding. He tells me if I like my job I dont have to look for another. He tells me its ok if I choose to wear my dungarees and go barefoot and dont brush my hair. He doesnt complain if I have dishes to wash or havent vacuumed for a week. He doesnt mind if I want to make the dogs "sing" (read make awful howling noises)or play ball with me inside at midnight.If I chose to water the garden completely naked at 2 am - he will come and help me when I start swearing because the hose is all kinked and wont reach. As long as he has food, his bed is made, clean clothes and his work stuff ready - never a complaint.

We will find something he likes to do. We will get him the tickets so he can get a better job. But without the magic stinky stuff - he becomes remarkably like the children's biological father. Jealous, mean, nasty, rude, obsessive and intolerant.

I much prefer smiley man who loves food and can always be persuaded into anything with offers of sex.

Happily yours! Mel.

Just getting.. more horrid

You were thinking I would be writing about how it was all better and insinuating about brilliant make up sex stuff etc…

WRONG. It is just as awful as it was. Moth is still speaking at least 50 decibels louder than he normally does. Things like dishes in the sink, Anna on the telephone during dinner and the dogs knocking the chess board over are making good use of these decibels.

There is a government job that has no real mandatory requirements that he thinks he would like. But in utilizing these extra decibels he has also yelled that it isn’t worth trying. So I said I would work on the selection criteria for him. It would entail a pay cut of tens of thousands of dollars – but hey.. he cant keep going like this. And I know he would be brilliant at it. But I need help – I really don’t know the names of the machinery they operate at work or .. what he does. Yes – a good wife would know. I just have selective hearing. I think all mothers or women use this tool. Listen for what we need to know and .. don’t let the small stuff clutter us or cause an extra worry.

The job though – I would imagine – will attract thousands of applicants just because it doesn’t need any major qualifications.

And when I ask for help from him.. it entails yet another… endurance of mine at how long can I do something for someone else whilst being yelled at.

Anna wants to go and stay at a friend’s house until this is over. I told her to ask if I can go too. Sigh.

Just as I think everything is nice and like I prefer home life to be – out of nowhere a great tirade of how he will die of skin cancer – how I should be working full time and not spoiling these horrid kids and I am just… well… doing nothing really. Just… trying not to bite back and,… wait for it to pass.

Today – I delivered Anna the things she forgot for marine biology to school and picked her up from school at an unusual hour due to the changes in her timetable this week. I prepared a dinner of chicken, tomato and rice pastries and steamed vegetables. Her best friend had an epileptic fit at school and after school we made the enquiries to make sure she was ok. I worked on his selection criteria and did look at a few jobs for myself. Two loads of washing and one load of dishwashing. Socialised with the dogs and took some clothes to St Vinnies. The living room and kitchen floors and I tinkered in the garden. I communicated with three girlfriends and one workmate who emailed me to say she would be happy to referee me – even though I think that is against company policy. Well – I know it is – it is written in the huge ass folder your given as your induction to the company. I broke the pay tv thingo again. I somehow make it stall so it wont tell me what I am watching. I couldn’t remember how to get messages off the phone and that took me 20 minutes to sort out. I fobbed off three telemarketers. I pondered what RACQ coverage we need. I transferred money from my savings into my day to day account. I borrowed some money from Anna to cover today’s transactions. The first thing Moth asked me for when he got home was extra money to cover his fuel costs. Moth will not – and cannot be persuaded to use direct debits or internet banking. Full stop – no argument. So to check his account I have to drive to the bank. And of course I have bugga all fuel because I bloody lost the fuel cap last week. No – I still don’t know how I did that. I think I must of left it ontop of a fuel thingo.

He just took great delight in telling me how when he went and bought milk this morning the checkout operators told him they thought he was my son. Moth is five years younger than me. I needed that like I need friends who keep having “parties” to sell me stuff I don’t want.

Hell – I do hurt. This is just horrid. Sometimes in life.. you just make the best of what you have. I never liked much of it really. I loved the silence today when Moth left to go to work. And I just continued my routine the best I could. But I dreamt all morning of snakes – something that doesn’t normally bother me. I don’t really want to be bitten by a snake but I see plenty of them and I don’t let them bother me. And water and rips and tides. Things just out of my control.

My little happy enough life is just spiraling out of control.

Sometimes there are no roses or puppies.

I am really mad at the Moth. (Man of the house). He has had to fore go his drug of choice this week due to the climate of such.. drugs. There simply is none to obtain. He has the money - our finances mean I give him $200 a week for his stuff and whatever is left.. I pay bills etc with. That is just the way it has always been.

And horribly - we don't like him much without his.. smoke that makes him very easy going. Isn't that absolutely awful. I really don't like him without it. Not even a little bit.

And I can quite concede no man on earth would ever put up with me and my children without such.. utility.

He has startled me by yelling at me over things that never worried him before. He has startled me in stupid decisions. (He went bike riding with Rocky with no lead - a disaster waiting to happen that happened - Rocky attacked another dog in the dogs own yard)He was unnecessarily mean to Anna. I have been afraid to be in his presence cause he is so mean to me. Getting mad at me because we have no money and because my casual job hasn't seen any work since the school holidays began.

Most of the stuff he attacks us/me with he is quite right. I am overweight. I probably should attend to Williams tumours and do as his father said and get them sawn off. I probably shouldn't think Anna is doing fine and make her stay home...

I copped the conviction for possession and cultivation years ago.. and I do neither ever. Legal stuff has always.. been enough for me.

But this is terrifying. During at least three rants he said he wants to quit weed... and... wow. It is like living with a stranger. And if he really quits it.. can I deal with him? Normally if I drop something or make an awful joke.. he just smiles and doesn't care. Now he yells at me and its like ..... well its just fooking awful. He has managed to blame me for everything not perfect in our life. And I am not game to argue. I know he hates his job. I know I should at least.. do paid work more. I know I make him go without while I have my babies come home - and he doesnt like that. He fell in love with me because of how I parent but sometimes he acts so churlish because I do things.. the way I do. We all are aware I should clean the house more. Or at least attend to laundry.

I have always told him to flee. What bloody idiot wants a woman with four kids who wants no more...for heavens sake it is simple he should run as fast as he can.

That is kind of funny. Any potential boyfriends of mine should be as drugged out as they can be. Cause I do "muck up". I will forget to do housework and I will not remember what I did with the petrol cap. Afterall there is no reason why people cant bloody put petrol in cars.Nah - that one has me buggared. I have no idea where I left that.

I am angry though - his meanness hurt. It isn't my fault he is stuck in a dead end job. I didn't tell him to leave school in year 9. For heavens sake my oldest daughter was 8 years old then. That's making it all sound more dreadful isnt it? I guess it is. I shouldnt of allowed him to stay so long. These are my problems and my problems alone.

The basic answer is something I said 12 years ago... take me take my kids and dog. Don't throw them back in my face later cause I will always choose them over you. And even though I know I should be afraid.. I am not? And if he thinks he can leave and take my dogs he is.. really gunna get hurt.

I am sorry he hurts. I am sorry I am not more useful. I am almost sorry my kids just do as they want and ignore him completely. Maybe I am afraid.

But this is just shit. Wishing someone had access to illegal drugs is madness. KNOWING I dont want to live with the man I love if he doesnt have them.. is even crazier.

A ripper poem!

This came in my email today. It really is a lovely poem - quite relevant - especially to anyone who has ever lived in the country.

Looking forward to Mr Hartin's site being updated!

Muzza (Murray Hartin) has been asked to pen something for the Salvation Army that can bring awareness to the general public about Rural suicide. He came up with this poem. When I went down south at the end of 2006 buying cattle out of the drought areas of NSW and Vic. there was one case a day of rural suicide. In fact I relayed to Muz a case where one poor fellow actually shot all of his dairy cows and then himself during the time I was in Victoria.



Please read this as it is quite possibly the best of Muzza's work ever!! Other work of Murray's including his monumental poem "Turbulence" will be available on his new website soon - www.murrayhartin.com .







RAIN FROM NOWHERE



His cattle didn't get a bid, they were fairly bloody poor,

What was he going to do? He couldn't feed them anymore,

The dams were all but dry, hay was thirteen bucks a bale,

Last month's talk of rain was just a fairytale,

His credit had run out, no chance to pay what's owed,

Bad thoughts ran through his head as he drove down Gully Road

"Geez, great grandad bought the place back in 1898,

"Now I'm such a useless bastard, I'll have to shut the gate.

"Can't support my wife and kids, not like dad and those before,

"Christ, Grandma kept it going while Pop fought in the war."

With depression now his master, he abandoned what was right,

There's no place in life for failures, he'd end it all tonight.

There were still some things to do, he'd have to shoot the cattle first,

Of all the jobs he'd ever done, that would be the worst.

He'd have a shower, watch the news, then they'd all sit down for tea

Read his kids a bedtime story, watch some more TV,

Kiss his wife goodnight, say he was off to shoot some roos

Then in a paddock far away he'd blow away the blues.

But he drove in the gate and stopped – as he always had

To check the roadside mailbox – and found a letter from his Dad.

Now his dad was not a writer, Mum did all the cards and mail

But he knew the style from the notebooks that he used at cattle sales,

He sensed the nature of its contents, felt moisture in his eyes,

Just the fact his dad had written was enough to make him cry.

"Son, I know it's bloody tough, it's a cruel and twisted game,

"This life upon the land when you're screaming out for rain,

"There's no candle in the darkness, not a single speck of light

"But don't let the demon get you, you have to do what's right,

"I don't know what's in your head but push the bad thoughts well away

"See, you'll always have your family at the back end of the day

"You have to talk to someone, and yes I know I rarely did

"But you have to think about Fiona and think about the kids.



"I'm worried about you son, you haven't rung for quite a while,

"I know the road you're on 'cause I've walked every bloody mile.

"The date? December 7 back in 1983,

"Behind the shed I had the shotgun rested in the brigalow tree.

"See, I'd borrowed way too much to buy the Johnson place

"Then it didn't rain for years and we got bombed by interest rates,

"The bank was at the door, I didn't think I had a choice,

"I began to squeeze the trigger – that's when I heard your voice.

"You said 'Where are you Daddy? It's time to play our game'

"' I've got Squatter all set up, you might get General Rain.'

"It really was that close, you're the one that stopped me son,

"And you're the one that taught me there's no answer in a gun.

"Just remember people love you, good friends won't let you down.

"Look, you might have to swallow pride and get a job in town,

"Just 'til things come good, son, you've always got a choice

"And when you get this letter ring me, 'cause I'd love to hear your voice."

Well he cried and laughed and shook his head then put the truck in gear,

Shut his eyes and hugged his dad in a vision that was clear,

Dropped the cattle at the yards, put the truck away

Filled the troughs the best he could and fed his last ten bales of hay.

Then he strode towards the homestead, shoulders back and head held high,

He still knew the road was tough but there was purpose in his eye.

He called for his wife and children, who'd lived through all his pain,

Hugs said more than words – he'd come back to them again,

They talked of silver linings, how good times always follow bad,

Then he walked towards the phone, picked it up and rang his Dad.

And while the kids set up the Squatter, he hugged his wife again,

Then they heard the roll of thunder and they smelt the smell of rain.



Murray Hartin

February 21, 2007

Dotti has endless problems.

One of them is her drinking problem. Or would you call it her jowl problem?

Sadly - that IS my kitchen floor. I really should bloody clean it soon. We have only had eight people (and Jane for two days so 9) plus a party and a couple of other visitors this week.

Why couldnt I be so lucky as to have just one of my daughters have that "Obsessive complulsive disorder" and would clean my house for me?

Did the dogs clean up the mess after their milk? Of course NOT!