I am really mad at the Moth. (Man of the house). He has had to fore go his drug of choice this week due to the climate of such.. drugs. There simply is none to obtain. He has the money - our finances mean I give him $200 a week for his stuff and whatever is left.. I pay bills etc with. That is just the way it has always been.
And horribly - we don't like him much without his.. smoke that makes him very easy going. Isn't that absolutely awful. I really don't like him without it. Not even a little bit.
And I can quite concede no man on earth would ever put up with me and my children without such.. utility.
He has startled me by yelling at me over things that never worried him before. He has startled me in stupid decisions. (He went bike riding with Rocky with no lead - a disaster waiting to happen that happened - Rocky attacked another dog in the dogs own yard)He was unnecessarily mean to Anna. I have been afraid to be in his presence cause he is so mean to me. Getting mad at me because we have no money and because my casual job hasn't seen any work since the school holidays began.
Most of the stuff he attacks us/me with he is quite right. I am overweight. I probably should attend to Williams tumours and do as his father said and get them sawn off. I probably shouldn't think Anna is doing fine and make her stay home...
I copped the conviction for possession and cultivation years ago.. and I do neither ever. Legal stuff has always.. been enough for me.
But this is terrifying. During at least three rants he said he wants to quit weed... and... wow. It is like living with a stranger. And if he really quits it.. can I deal with him? Normally if I drop something or make an awful joke.. he just smiles and doesn't care. Now he yells at me and its like ..... well its just fooking awful. He has managed to blame me for everything not perfect in our life. And I am not game to argue. I know he hates his job. I know I should at least.. do paid work more. I know I make him go without while I have my babies come home - and he doesnt like that. He fell in love with me because of how I parent but sometimes he acts so churlish because I do things.. the way I do. We all are aware I should clean the house more. Or at least attend to laundry.
I have always told him to flee. What bloody idiot wants a woman with four kids who wants no more...for heavens sake it is simple he should run as fast as he can.
That is kind of funny. Any potential boyfriends of mine should be as drugged out as they can be. Cause I do "muck up". I will forget to do housework and I will not remember what I did with the petrol cap. Afterall there is no reason why people cant bloody put petrol in cars.Nah - that one has me buggared. I have no idea where I left that.
I am angry though - his meanness hurt. It isn't my fault he is stuck in a dead end job. I didn't tell him to leave school in year 9. For heavens sake my oldest daughter was 8 years old then. That's making it all sound more dreadful isnt it? I guess it is. I shouldnt of allowed him to stay so long. These are my problems and my problems alone.
The basic answer is something I said 12 years ago... take me take my kids and dog. Don't throw them back in my face later cause I will always choose them over you. And even though I know I should be afraid.. I am not? And if he thinks he can leave and take my dogs he is.. really gunna get hurt.
I am sorry he hurts. I am sorry I am not more useful. I am almost sorry my kids just do as they want and ignore him completely. Maybe I am afraid.
But this is just shit. Wishing someone had access to illegal drugs is madness. KNOWING I dont want to live with the man I love if he doesnt have them.. is even crazier.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
oh, dear. *sending some hugs*
Mate, that sounds like quite a shit time you're having. Really. It could just be the cold turkey reaction, but fark...
Melly, hold on - if it's what I think it is, it will pass, and please don't blame yourself for anything he's shouting about right now. It's extremely common to get irritable when feeling a bit short of something, but you can't take it personally. There are times when all you can do is give a person a wide berth while they work things out. Believe me, I know this can be hard when you share a household, and it's very easy to say, "Well, I don't really do this, and I should do that more," but try not to take it all on yourself. Remember it's his thing he's working through, not yours. As much as you can let roll off your back, do.
I hope I don't sound preachy. Just thinking that I've been there, and it sucks, but it does pass. Hugs to you.
Post a Comment