The news is constant with the awful stuff happening in Victoria. I remember the fires in my own hometown of Cootamundra and the ones recently when I wasnt there but I still worried....
I guess its just awful selfishness that I still worry about my own ... much lesser problems?
Jane is in Laidley... and I havent spoken to her yet. She rang Anna for the money she lent Anna but I declined to get into that telephone conversation. I hear both sides...
Today William got offered a soccer trip to the UK that would cost me... about 8 k... and I semi lost the plot because I just cant afford it. And that makes me feel bad.
On the weekend MOTH took me too Brisbane to attend to something stupid I did... and made us hurry.... (We had to pick up a computer that somehow I got wrangled with fixing when really I have never claimed to be good at hardware stuff... I barely manage with software stuff... but I wouldnt quit... and I took it to a friend who knows more and then... it had to come back.. and its still fucked)
MOTH drove through his hometown where I lived with him for a while and I didnt cope very well. I was still terrified of the place... and just so glad I escaped.
My dog Rocky was declared dangerous. I will add to that in a minute with a seperate title. My daughter Anna and my partner are fighting in a way that upsets me ... so awfully that I am scared to speak and I wish I could run away.
But I cant... I have work, my family has to live and pay bills and someone has to cook and clean...
The kids at work are lovely and so alive and clever. I love this job. It makes it so sad knowing I cant keep doing it - I cant afford to, and if I could afford to I am growing so tired of this town that I just have to leave soon. If I want things to get better I have to go back to administration. I don't think I can be a legal secretary anymore because now I do answer back. Childcare doesnt pay. Most of the workers are lovely... but oh my goodness worrying about the others is just... horrid.
My tears are selfish. I shouldnt expect to have decent relationships with the two children I barely had any impact on raising. I shouldnt cry over them.
I just dont have $8000 to send William off to the UK for soccer fun. And if I did have it... I think I could take us all for that amount of money. I am the queen of free or cheap. But he just never asks for anything.
And It felt awful telling him.. I just dont have the money. I dont have anything. I pay off a car every week I never get to drive. I dont think anyone would lend me the money to buy another one...I dont get to say what time my windows are drawn.
And the only time I got excited because I thought I had a friend of my own... she only wanted to hang around me for what MOTH can provide. And that stuff... annoys the crap out of me.
I know I am whinging way more than anyone should be allowed to... but I got one more. My apologies for my waffling.
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2 comments:
I was hoping since I hadn't read anything about Rocky since you last posted the story that it had all fallen by the wayside. I'm sorry, Melly.
You've got a lot on your mind, honey. I'll be thinking of you and hoping things straighten out.
Waffle away. two ears here, no waiting :)
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