Goodbyes and till we meet again

The dogs only enjoy the left over food part of Christmas. They just don't appreciate being dressed up. Dotti chewed the pom pom off her hat while I was talking on the telephone to my mother.
We had a pre Christmas lunch with my workmate and Friend Fersie on Sunday. Fersie comes from the Philippine's and although her English is good sometimes there are certainly discrepancies if not damn mistakes. I asked her if her boyfriend liked seafood and she said yes. Frank is from Greece and due to being raised on seafood he considers it...peasant food. He explained this in the most eloquent and not insulting way. It is my description that sounds rude.

I was delighted to find my friends fiance.. a witty and intelligent conversationalist, extremely polite and capable of not reacting too badly as I kicked a bone from under the table under the cupboard hoping no one would see... but he did. I saw his face - he saw it.

The dogs also beat the back door consistently during lunch. Until Rocky grew tired of being ignored - climbed the 8 foot fence, again hurting himself, and banged on the front door.

So what was my menu for this person who didn't like seafood? Yep - prawn cocktails, followed by mud crab caught that morning by MOTH, turkey and roast veggies (thank fook I didn't decide to go salmon cutlets as I did consider) and parfait glasses with red wine jelly with blueberries, strawberry mousse, chocolate mousse, banana custard, mango frozen yogurt and topped with pretty chocolate sticks.
I had not met Frank before - although I have heard about him from Fersie who I have worked with for the past six months. She was very coy and cautious about telling me about him.. but he really was lovely and so caring with her. Fersie leaves soon with Frank and I will be the sorrier for it. Working with her has been a great pleasure. Sometimes I would help with her assignments and she has made me laugh and have to think harder than I normally allow myself to bother.

I think best of all is the contentment in sharing a workplace with someone you like, trust and who knows and understands your idiosyncrasies. Who you know cares as much as you do. And she never messes up my side of the cupboard. Ever. Cause I understand my mess. No one else does.

Anna also joined us for lunch. I had invited her to dinner but she was being thrown a goodbye party by her friends and naturally that was more important. I was a little worried inviting her to lunch because this was my celebration of Fersie's completion of her course, a Christmas celebration and a goodbye to Fersie.

I worried Anna would attempt to make it all about Anna. She arrived very hungover. Her apathy was upsetting but I am getting better and better and either holding my tongue or forcing back my tears. Although she was being amusing, my guests could tell I was annoyed at her behaviour.... and at one stage Frank challenged her.. and asked her... in 20 years when you have a child you love and your child is doing the same thing you are doing now.. how will you feel? He pressed her for an answer.

She boldly sat straight and stared back and said "I will be the coolest mum ever - I will allow my child to go out every night and I will be like.. XXXX's Mum and buy all the booze for their friends too, and I wont carry on like Mum".

We all looked at each other and knew we would remember this.

Two people I am going to miss very much. But the one on the left has been missing from my heart for enough time to let that grief go. The one on the right - well hopefully she will return.
At the dinner table Anna, showing all the class her mother did NOT teach her... had this to display to us. She claims it was done slipping on cat urine on the stairs where she has been staying since our altercation... and was done whilst in a sober moment not an intoxicated one. Sounds just lovely. Free accommodation for three weeks included with all you can party and drink - and slippery stairs. Go figure. No wonder I am not considered fun.

Bet she thinks her mother wouldn't post that on the Internet!

I do hope everyone had a Merry Christmas.

We went to a friends house where we were treated to great food, company and cocktails.

My three youngest children left Christmas Eve for their biological fathers house while I was at work. I returned to an upside down home. They took the printer which Anna and I had agreed would stay with me... but apparently Anna was so under the weather she didn't even bother to come home to help pack the stuff into her fathers 4x4. And what Jane threw in the bin would of made me cry if I could just remember how to let the tears actually flow.

MOTH seems to panic if I am distressed and can only resort to .. adult activities that I feel least like.

I dyed my hair back to dark brown Christmas Eve -(the original colour prior to when I was 27) to try amuse myself. It felt funny looking in the mirror... the brunette is someone I know but someone I... don't feel connected with. And those dreadful lines around her eyes! She was a nicer person than I am too... she cared more and was sure she could do more. She thought she could make everything wonderful and everyone happy.

I haven't done peering at her. Just looking and watching in the mirror.

I had a hangover at work today

Yep. A rip roaring,head thumping, gut wrenching, pore seeping colossal hangover. I do remember it being 2am and the only thing I could find to drink was some wine a friend gave me about 6 months ago that I wasn't particularly fond of. I also remember listening to Cat Stevens on You Tube and thinking I should be asleep.

So of course we were short staffed and had capacity room and every one of my small charges wanted to play the drums, bang puzzles on tables, request me to read books that had too many words and a couple of them threw in some pretty spectacular toileting accidents for good measure.

I swear they knew I was unwell. They only wanted me to play my normal noisy stuff today.

Mind you - getting twelve children to make Kookaburra noises is awfully funny even when your head does hurt.

And although my colleague was amused by my demise she showed lovely consideration by buying me greasy food, mints and body spray.

I taught the children to point to pictures of elephants and tell me Miss Cheree is an elephant. She had already tried to get the children to say the picture of the gorilla was me... but they dobbed. Tomorrow when I will be perfectly healthy and my head wont hurt - I am gunna teach them how to trumpet and pretend their arms are an elephant trunk when she comes into the room.

Still yelling

Jane (daughter no3 aka the newly inducted shoplifter) came to my work this afternoon after finishing her shift at the supermarket to inform me that I had to pick up her (confiscated) mobile phone from High School today or else she would not have it these holidays. My commitments after my day shift today are 2 hours cleaning. I quite like this arrangement because I like the fact that I know where toileting accidents occurred, who had the running nose and where they played and what toys need to be attended to and I like knowing it is clean. I stick that pay cheque in a separate banking account which is for a purpose I haven't decided yet.

I told Jane I would go and get it as soon as the shift finished as long as she started vacuuming as soon as I left so that my duties are not affected. And she did. And she did a very good job. And I collected the phone at the 11th hour and returned to finish my duties.

When we got home Jane went straight to bed in her work uniform. I had to wake her because we have a power outage tomorrow - and she wont be able to do her normal use the washing machine and dryer for her stuff - it has to be done tonight.

I spent maybe 15 minutes talking to my girlfriend Roxanne... and whilst I was talking/typing I was aware Jane was cooking her self deep fried potato chips for dinner. MOTH and I had eaten - Lamb vindaloo and rice which my youngest children do not like. MOTH queried Jane's cooking - and she mistook it that he was hungry. So she cooked an entire 1 kg of chips. She then drowned them in a brand new bottle of tomato sauce without checking to see if there was another bottle. Not once did she ask anyone for assistance or direction. When I saw the two plates of cold fried chips swimming in tomato sauce.. I started yelling. When I saw the empty 1 kg bag of chips on the floor - I got louder.

In the fridge there is ham, garden salad and coleslaw. There is eggs, cheese, cream and vegetables. Beautiful watermelon and peaches. In the pantry there is bread, packet noodles & pasta and rice, cans of food suitable for heating and I am not kidding - it is loaded with food. In the freezer is portions of Sunday nights spaghetti bol that are suitable for microwaving. Pizza bases and suitable portions of meat for one or two people.

I KNOW that the chips cost is negligible. $2 or $3. It is the choice and the wastage that makes me lose the plot.

She has chosen to go live with her sister and father on the 24th December. She stays here so she can do her shifts at work so she has money for the holidays. She attempted to give me a list of things she needs/wants for my shopping tomorrow.

I am hating just waiting for this date... And it is pretty insane getting wild over a 1 kilo of chips.... and a beautiful girl that cries over her weight problem.

Headaches, new beginnings and Police appointments

Arghhh... ok have to start from somewhere!

Can't I waffle on about how we stripped off the 9 two year olds today and filled two large water troughs with water from the fire hose and added bubbles and plastic boats and water squirters? (guns/pistols are not allowed at our daycare however we insist they are neither and are indeed "squirters" and we make sure we install the word "squirter" into the children)

Now THAT was fun. The roaring laughter, the squeals, the wet little people, the cool lovely cuddles as they tried to squirt water always directly in our faces..... the "Missalissa look at ME" as they splashed and sploshed and made me laugh until I snorted.

I have had a dull headache above my left eye for over a week now, and it wont leave me alone. I am doing my best to not think about my daughter no2 and daughter no3's choices. But it is kinda hard.

I also have a nagging worry as I tend to my two year olds that I am a real pretender and no mother of a thief should be trying to teach these precious little people what is right and wrong, what colour or animal is that, what sound an animal makes, what is happy and what is sad and how to recognise their names the alphabet and their numbers.

When their parents collect the children I find myself wondering what they would think if they knew - and worse! Horrors! It is a small town and they will probably hear about it. And how would I explain it? I accept a Xmas gift from one of my small charges... and stop the tears from my eyes because the truth is I never managed to stop THAT kid from stealing his friends lunches at the table EITHER!

Yep - on a scale of shitiness.. I feel pretty damn... shitty. And I am going to excuse my deplorable choice of words in that last sentence. Why? Because I spent an hour or more reading the dreadful use of English that my teenagers use in text messaging, myspace and such other web page type things today. Here is a verbatim example.

well can u tell mi y u and jane did it????

cuz i have no effin idea!!!!

and yea i kno i was in the wrong 4 lettin u 2 go through mi registar

bt friends dnt dob friends in that is y i did not say anything cuz u were mi friend!!!!!!!!!!

and tell jane i hope she is happy cuz i mst prob b gettin charged for wat happens!!!!!!!!!!!

so i lst mi job and gettin charged 4 it!!!!!!!!!!!!

then when i went in the interview room at wrk and lied to the police officer so i could cover u and jane up bt then he new that i was liein so i told him the truth..............

so wat is happenin to u and jane?????

plz right bak

That was from the poor girl who lost her job when my daughter chose to shoplift on Saturday. The girl this was addressed to whom Jane was sure was her new best friend and greatest friend ever - has now decided it was all Jane's fault and Jane stole everything and she is the innocent bystander. And I worry that Jane is feigning her sorrow and guilt for my benefit.

Last week I wrote this email to my daughter no 2 who is staying at her friends house right now.

Dear Anna,

I have been advised that you have organised with your father to remove your belongings on the 24th December and will be staying with him for a while. On hearsay it is alleged you will then reside with your friend who has recently endured their own family displacement and I trust and hope you will manage to be a viable part of that household and not cause them any distress.

As I will be at work on the 24th December I would appreciate an inventory of what you plan to take, as a matter of courtesy. I will have it out for you on the 23rd in the carport.

I will attend the meeting with Mr. Wyer on Friday and advise Toolooa High School of the situation wherein I find it impossible to support your behavior and although I am completely aware of what has happened to your school work that it is not in my power or discretion to make any changes in that area. Your socialising every single night until the early morning hours and treating our home as a motel cant be tolerated. You have made the decision to act like an adult and therefore can have the responsibilities of one.

I wish you luck and happiness.

I have decided that in light of your recent (well, that is for argument too) behavior and in the consideration that I am not financially willing to support your mobile telephone usage (something that has never met my approval) that you will have to return the current phone. I am considering allowing you to have my Motorola telephone that is fully paid for and you can organise some kind of payment plan that suits you. The telephone in your possession that is a contract in my name I need back this weekend.

Again, as a matter of courtesy, I would appreciate a rough estimate the vodaphone telephone bill will incur.

Jane and William have elected to spend Christmas with your father and I have encouraged William to spend further time with you and your family. I will appreciate the time alone and the lesser work and costs involved with just 2-3 people.

I am completely aware of how you think making me suffer for protesting your bad behavior by your absence will allow you to feel self righteous and indignant about my cruel words... but the fact is I am just as strong as you are ...and I don't need your behavior bringing me unhappiness, worry and unnecessary work or expense.

You want to party every night - even on a Monday night because "it is school holidays" (without your expletives) and I am staring at a letter stating you'r efailing the most important exams of your life even though you have the comfort of a home, people who love you and leniency at every single angle.

I am not sitting up on a Monday night worrying about you. You have chosen adulthood - may you embrace it and may it not be cruel.

Thank you for the good times. Thank you for all the times you made me laugh and smile. For every poem recited, song sung, dance danced and time you choked my throat and made me blink back tears at how beautiful and cute you are. For the times you made me feel loved and the times you tried to help my sadness at the big bad world that can be so mean. And best of luck with your choices - may you find happiness... sometimes it does come from the places we expect least. Our door is always open - it just cant be open 24/7 for how you chose to behave. But if you need me... I am always easy to find. I am going to miss you.

I love you always Anna.

Organise for the phone swap and the inventory of what you are taking on the 24th. I will make sure the stuff is outside on the 23rd.

Mum

She responded with this.

Dear Mum.

ok the phone will be returned to you. It can still make calls but 3 of the buttons do not work.
Do not worry about giving me the motorala i will organise somthing as the nokia is pretty damaged. If i return the phone u should use the sim as 50 dollers will be taken out everymonth unless u cancel it.

Im not shore were im going to be living permenetly i just no im going to dads for christmas.

If u do not want to attend the meeting that is fine as because i dont live there i need to organise being a independeant student. Im still going to the meeting as im finishing yeat 12 there

Are u saying william is to be living with dad aswell?

Love Anna

Bit of a worry really. And to think she actually did pass English?

Everything is a bit bewildering for me at the moment.

MOTH of course is my rock. Even if he can be an annoying rock. He thinks the way to cure any form of my unhappiness is sex. I agree - it is a useful mechanism to relieve stress. But, sadly he thinks that if my misery is great - then the solution is more sex. I convinced him to take me to a restuarant and buy William and Damien takeout pizza tonight.(Jane too of course - it is just I am not feeling particularly generous to her at the moment and she is just lucky the boys don't annoy me - she should be eating boiled rice and cabbage)

Mostly because I know at a restaurant he cant hassle me. The food was nice though and the no washing up was nicer. MOTH is a little weird when I have major problems - he just doesn't seem to be able to cope. So he tries to compensate by also demanding my attention. And I am perfectly aware smacking every one's nose is not an option.

Damn shame that.

The dogs are reacting just the same though. They think the solution is to sit on me. Rocky climbed on the dining table tonight in an effort to gain my attention. I went with the flow and fed him a couple of my Christmas present chocolates. Put fairy wings on Dotti and watched her try to chew it off her back. She doesn't really make a very good fairy.

Both my parents sent me lovely notes and gifts this week. My mother likes to stay in touch and so her kindness was somewhat anticipated. My father, however has almost never been guilty of showing affection - so that was kind of a shock. Damn shame his note included his pride in my beautiful girls. I managed to lose the cheque enclosed and I think that is probably a good thing.

And, believe it or not, only a few tears have escaped. I think I need time alone so I can let them go. But right now - my commitments to work, this family, my friends, my colleagues and even the dogs don't allow for such an indulgence.

Oh! MOTH told one of my friends about Jane's shoplifting. And I have had to endure her pleasure in my failure. If you have a friend who works and has just an hour for lunch - don't take your children to her house to laugh at her demise during that time. It is extra mean. The lunch hour recipient cannot eat - because she couldn't eat in front of people and couldn't be assed cooking for you and yours...and she will be starving later when she is working a 9 1/2 hour day.

And it is easy to gloat when you feel more secure. Trying to force me to concede that your advice that the child encouraging Jane was bad... wont endear you to me. Normally I try to let it go that this friend loves to see me (or anyone) failing.. and sometimes I can just let it go.

But this particular week I could of killed MOTH for telling. He of course, cannot understand why I bit his head off for telling her the truth about where I was Saturday afternoon when I should of been preparing for their visit. Why he couldn't of just said I had a case of herpes/ syphilis or gonorrhea and had to go to hospital is beyond me.

It would of been easier to live down.

Pride is an awful thing. Swallowing it is just dreadful. It has all just made me feel terribly tired. And I cant sleep I have too much to do - and when I do have time to sleep I just cant. It is dreadfully easy to convince yourself that your children are magnificent and not see their faults. It is awfully difficult to listen to anyone tell you that your children have faults.

The police called today at work for Jane's interview. My friend and colleague and also the mother of the other shoplifter involved took the call and the dates for the appointments with the police detectives. Jane could be just cautioned because she has no priors. But it appears she has taken the blame for the lot. The interview date is when she will be at her fathers - so we will have to organise for her to catch the train back for it or maybe the interview can be at Rockhampton. I dont know. I guess that is just another thing on my urgent "to do" list.

I am never sure if Jane shows remorse or if she is just acting what she thinks I expect her to act. But as she stares at the ceiling when I mention anything connected to any of this... I wonder if she actually thinks about anything at all. Maybe my daughters were simply beautiful in white nighties at bed time and ... along the way I forgot to teach them stuff I really should of.

I still refuse to believe Jane needs drugs. I still refuse the labels and I still utterly believe she is just (on occasion) a naughty little girl. Her alleigences are misguided and her devotion to children and people with their own problems could be commendable if they were directed in the right direction. I dont think she understands that her own behaviour could jeapordise what she is actually best at.

I think I just indulged Anna too many times so that she can be as rude as she wants to me. And it all just went way too far. She is advertising her move to Rockhampton as happily as one can - even though she has thrown tantrums every time I have mentioned I want to leave this town for the last four years.

Do not kow tow to your children. Seventeen years goes so very fast. By all means consider their happiness.. but dont make that the ultimate decision. Because the little ingrates will bite you. And so they should if you were so stupid.

Time goes by.. so quickly

Well. I don't know where to start! So very much has happened and some of it extremely unpleasant.

So - in a nutshell.

1) I broke my toe. No wonderful funny interesting story for you - I just kicked it on the way back from getting a drink of water in the middle of the night and broke it. I am a sook - and it caused me a great deal of misery.


2) MOTH lost his job. But in true form - he got a new one he seems to enjoy immensely. I don't think they do a terrible amount of hard work at this new job and he now works basically the same hours a week I do...

3) MOTH has been catching mudcrabs galore and we are in order to purchase a new bigger boat shortly.

4) I attended a work party at Great Keppel Island. The very first time I willingly took myself away from Anna, Jane, William and MOTH and went out with girls. (Ok women) I never did that - I always just stayed with them. When the children did visit their father I always just stayed with MOTH and usually at home. The island was beautiful. My workmates can drink me under the table. Which they did.

4) William graduated Primary school and we bought him a new push bike. Combined Christmas, well done for school, getting ready for high school and just... thanks for being a son who rarely causes me grief - type of gift.

He contributed some of his own money towards it and I have a feeling his bike cost more than my car is worth.

5)Anna (daughter no2) and I had a terrible fight wherein the result is she has now moved out of home. More on that later. But the fact is she is of age to move out if she so wishes - she refuses to live under our rules and her school work is so dismal, her "me, me, me" philosophy became unbearable and no longer amusing. It certainly isn't the ending I wanted but in saying that.. I can see she is eager to begin her adult life. I need to adjust my life to accepting that. And I have some good ideas on how to achieve that.

6) Jane (daughter no3) must of felt she was somehow missing out on something here - so she chose to shoplift for the local scumbags yesterday at our local mall. (Incase anyone is curious and knows the situation - yep believe it or not the Yowyeh girls) She and my friends daughter chose to steal baby items to the value of around $150 from the store. The girls are to be formally interviewed this week and Jane can hope she wont be charged and just cautioned because she has no priors. That is up to the detectives discretion though.

A horrible addition to the story is that the girl on the checkout at the store they stole from was instantly dismissed on the assumption she knew the girls and what they were up to. The poor check out girl was (I feel) just a victim of knowing naughty girls.

More embarrassing humiliating stuff. And a wonderful way to spend your Saturday afternoon and evening.

7) Anna decided to go live with her father in Rockhampton and complete her studies there. I heard about this on the grapevine.

8) When I chastised Jane for her stealing - and told her she was welcome to join her sister... she opted to take that option.She has told me she has resigned from her position at the local supermarket.

9) Both girls are acting self righteous and content in their decisions.

10) I went and bought myself a beautiful dinner setting - I figure there are definitely going to be benefits to this. I had to use Mastercard because it takes me a couple of working days to transfer cash into my working account.

I am sad - I am scared for them and I am surprised at the finality of something I always knew was going to happen, just didn't expect it yet. I always thought Anna was way smarter than this. I also suspect both my girls are just thinking of their best interests and that their father is suddenly feeling generous and offering them monetary value stuff.

Confessions of a bad citizen....

I truly had every intention of voting yesterday.

As I made sure youngest daughter was ready for her first real day at the deli at the local IGA supermarket - I thought to myself... must vote today.

As I crept back into bed and had some extra sleep because it is weekend.. I thought to myself - must vote today.

When I got back out of bed to tidy the house for the inspection of our fire alarms by the landlady - I thought to myself - must vote today.

When I went to the butchers; came home and unpacked all the meat for the freezer and returned back out to the supermarket, unpacked that and started the washing - I thought to myself - must vote today.

While my house was full of boys playing on the Xbox and PS2 and I was tripping over them trying to organize the house - I thought to myself - must vote today.

After cooking lunch at the washing up sink I thought to myself - must vote today.

Organizing some pictures I wanted to paint on the windows at work for the children as I waited for the girls to finish work - I thought to myself - must vote today.

Whilst taking Anna on her driving lesson (and enduring a couple of very close calls to parked cars - she has SO got to learn depth and measurement type stuff) and explaining why her theory of putting the blinker on 300 meters before a corner because that way it is only gear change and steering she has to think about is still just not the way to do it.. we actually drove past a couple of polling booths and the one I was going to get her to stop out she seemed a little stressed by the drivers of cars opening their doors as she drove past... and I told her to go straight ahead. Once again the intention was there.

While attending one of those awful buy stuff "parties" (such a terrible use of the word party)and then visiting the art show at the Botanical Gardens (which turned out to not be the one I wanted to see - that one had shut yesterday) I thought to myself - must vote today.

Then buying some seedlings for the garden and discussing silicon for our leaking boat, and coming home and fiddling around with that stuff - I again thought to myself - must vote today.

I started cooking chicken parmigiana and the fresh carrots and beans from our garden for the family - and again I thought - must vote today.

At the dinner table - William's friend Damien was sleeping over and he asked me ... "Who did you vote for?" and I looked at the time....

OH SHIT. I think that is gunna cost us $150.

Joy rang me at 10 pm really excited about the Labor victory. She was so excited and at her local electorate Labor candidates celebration party I decided it wasn't the right time to confess my crime. When she rang I was in the middle of resizing Finding Nemo characters to paint on the wall for the two year olds at work.

Then earlier I checked on some of my favorite blogs and of course every other citizen at least has an opinion.

I am a Labor supporter usually. I wasn't all that fussed with the Labor candidate in our electorate because of my families dealings with his family (ok namely I didn't like his sons visiting my daughters late at night when they were only 13, I find the boys rude and obnoxious and I once attended a job interview at his office and found his attitude egotistical and obnoxious and reminded me why I hate working for lawyers) On the other hand - I should be the LAST person to point the finger at parents for their children's behavior, and I am aware this candidate does do some lovely charity work.(So do I actually - I am the eternal volunteer it is just I really don't seem to have any ambition other than a bigger boat and more holidays)

I still had every intention of voting Labor. And it is the thought that counts. At one stage I agreed to hand out flyer's at the polling booth for an hour too - but I managed to avoid that person ever since and they didn't find me.

Shit. $150. I could of bought lobsters, smoked salmon, oysters, prawns and bubbly and still had change and shared it with MOTH & the kids and even a girlfriend or two and her family..... Shit...

I noticed Scorpy and others had interesting comments both for and against Howard. I always admired his eloquence. I think I am a Labor voter simply because I find it difficult to admit I am probably more a Green's supporter and I come from a working class background and hope that the Labor party will protect me and mine more so than the Liberals. I do understand how horrid it is when you cannot fire someone because of rules and unions etc but I would more sympathize with an individual who lost from the Industrial Relations changes.

Or - I just no longer give a shit about politics. Any system is always going to have flaws. The flaws are more likely to give me a headache than anyone. But - I reckon if I can still float on the water and look at the birds.... if I can still play with the kids and marvel at their intelligence.. if I can still appreciate good food and seek company that will make me feel comfortable.. that will do...

Meet my nephew Logan

He is wearing Anna's brand new hair extensions she bought the day with Jeanette at Paddy's markets.

I said to him.... "Do you go to preschool?"

Logan said... "Yes!"

I said ... "How many days a week do you go to preschool?"

Logan said... "100"

Hmmm... I bet we have all had weeks just like that.

We were playing "I spy" in the car. Logan said.. "I spy with my little eye something beginning with P"

Jane - "Purple flowers!"

Melissa - "Patterson's curse!"

William - "pretty flowers"

Christian - "potholes!"

Jane - "pigs!"

Melissa - "park brake"

William - "passengers"

etc

etc...

We give up..... the answer was ROAD. Don't play I spy with someone who cheats! (Or cant spell yet, whatever!)

When Christian took Sparky the dog into the Dog on the Tuckerbox statue Logan seemed fascinated with the money in the fountain. So I gave him a handful of change to put in it himself. He quickly stuck it in his pocket. I asked him if he was going to throw it into the water... and he looked at me like I was completely mad and said "No way!"
Okay in that photo from the left is my youngest daughter Jane holding my nephew Logan, my Dad, my son William, my brother Peter holding his youngest son Kyle, Christian (who strikes that pose for every formal photo?) my daughter Anna shivering in the cold but refusing to wear sensible clothes, my oldest neice Miranda and Sparky the dog.

The younger nieces were at Barellan attending a swimming carnival this day of our holiday and we met up with them later at the Temora Aviation Museum that was pretty interesting and worth attending!Raquel and Azelyn amused us in the evening gifting us pretty finger puppets they made and telling us stories.

Logan also gives me kisses and cuddles on command. Most impressive. (So delicious you could eat that one!)

Meet Sparky

Sparky is my brother's border terrier. Sparky is dreadfully cute. Sparky has already won an award for "Best trick" at a dog show. His other trick that I doubt my brother and sister in law have shown is ... he humps his bedding. It is hilariously funny.

I probably didnt have to drink all that scotch when I visited my brother and sister in law. But .. oh dear oh dear - Sparky was funny as all heck.

Meet Seth

Seth is the water dragon lizard that lives at my daughter Sara's house. He has never lived in the wild and his preferred abode is in Sara's shoes. He didn't like us very much.

Wonder why..... We liked him. Oh - he wont eat cockroaches either. When I offered him one I caught he looked at me ... rather annoyed and ran away.

Yep - Seth didn't like us very much at all. Maybe we smelt bad?

Meet my Grandson

Jay is a "chip off the block" for sure. I already miss him heaps.

He has his grandmother's ability to pull funny faces. A trait that will serve him well.

In the middle of our holiday

Our first day was driving to Tweed Heads to our dear friends house - and the second day at Wet & Wild. We had a ball.Wednesday morning we flew into Sydney and where met by my daughter Sara and her partner Chris. Three of my family opted for the Harbour Bridge Climb. I am way too wasted to work Sara's scanner so we just took a photo of the photo!
Sara, Jane, Jay, Chris and I ate lunch at the Harbour View Hotel and took photos of the adventurers as well as offering wonderful words of encouragement. (Ok so we laughed at their funny suits and waved our alcoholic drinks at them)
Then we all caught the ferry back to Manly and home to Sara's.
Today we visited a art exhibition and my cousin Jeanette gave us a wonderful guided tour of Sydney. That is William and me at one of the art thingos. Made me miss my dogs.
My oldest two daughters...... I find them both so very beautiful.
My daughter and me.... and a few extra (or 15) kilos that must go as soon as I .. have time.
My cousin Jeanette and me at Bondi Beach.

I have loads and loads of photos. Be scared. Tomorrow we head to Cootamundra. It just continues to be exciting.

Almost ready

MOTH went out camping last night to catch mud crabs mostly. He came home with 7 bucks and complained about all the Jenny's he had to put back. I think 7 mud crabs are a positive sign to the start of our holidays.
Poor MOTH though - he now views the holiday as dragging him away from crab season.

I made tags for our luggage and supervised William's packing. I washed and searched for our itinerary details that went strangely missing. The latter caused a terrible mess... and I have just spent ages putting everything back where I pulled it all out of. Everything is now organised and fine.

I made labels for the dogs too that explain we are on holidays and where we live. MOTH did enhance our already 8 foot high fencing because we are worried about them.

The problem is.. the dogs don't like them at all and are trying to chew them off each other and themselves already. Buggar.

I want the house clean before I leave and... I cant see that really happening. This pc tower is going to a dear friend for some more ram, a better video card and I want a new tower now... in readiness for Vista which will happen... sometime later. So I will drag Anna's tower out here for our dog sitters to use because I have asked them to feel free to play on the Internet and watch the pay tv - just so that my dogs have some human company. And air conditioning - it is already very hot here.

One day to see Bernie and Natalie and Joy and the kids! Wednesday morning to see my daughter Sara, Chris and my grandson Jay! Five days to see one of my cousins and maybe my aunt can make it too! Six days to see my father, stepmother, brother, sister-in-law and the kids! Eight days to see my mother.

I am so excited it is ridiculous! And it is almost 1 am and I better clean the kitchen and get to bed.

The beginning of my holidays...

And I have the flu. Don't stand near me when I sneeze - it is disgusting. I do recall earlier in the week the little people at work sneezing into the playdough and putting their arms up for me to cuddle them as they were covered in sneeze. I actually recall thinking "I am over being sick now - I don't need gloves or to refuse them their cuddles".

MOTH has gone camping over on one of the islands at The Narrows with a friend. I have packing, further planning and cleaning the house (so that the burglars don't think I am a slob? I guess....)

We should be leaving here around 11am for the drive to Tweed Heads with plenty of stops. Monday night at Joy's and then to Wet & Wild. I suspect MOTH doesnt want to go to the theme park - but if Joy and the kids are coming I think I can hang around for a while!

Best I stop fiddling about, sniffing and dripping and go do something constructive.

Wishing for the Little things

For heavens sake Little things (I tried to spell Marylana over a dozen times before I gave up and declared myself an idiot speller)please add me to whatever has to be added to.

I miss your eloquence, honesty and I.. well I just like reading your blog and wondering how much fun we would have if you lived closer.

Anna got her learners permit this week

Wednesday afternoon Anna got her learners permit to drive. She rang me very excited from the registry office as she waited for the license to be issued. As they handed her her license she complained to me on the telephone the photograph was not flattering. Then she made her way to my work to show me and my colleagues her prized possession.

She got herself to and from the Department of Transport after school. My daughter is in no way perfect but I love the way she does what she has to.

Today I took a break from some homework I have to do as a job requirement and took the kids to the Botanical gardens for lunch and to feed the ducks etc. MOTH left early for fishing and by midday I was sick of sitting and answering boring questions.

Anna and Jane babysat one of the kids from my work last night and were paid handsomely for something they thoroughly loved doing.

Time for your driving lesson Anna!

She is doing very well - learning in a manual and being bored to death with the start/stop, feel and learn the clutch and the gears... stall, kangaroo hop and sometimes get it right. She has not complained or gotten frustrated at me yet. Unfortunately she can tell when I get frustrated with her. I think that is because it IS Anna - and I don't tend to hide my feelings to her. I hide them to anyone else. I get worried when she stalls too often because MOTH raved on and on about how the clutch was due to die soon and the cost of driving for so many hours. Shortly afterwards though he filled my car with petrol and is definitely competing with me on which parent can be available for driving lessons.

MOTH and I are actually competing on who gets to take her out most often for her lessons. We are sadder than I thought.

By late next week she will be on the roads confident and competent. With a proud mother and stepfather beaming happily at our success.

In Queensland she has to complete 60 hours of driving before she can get her Provisional license and drive alone. So every day MOTH and I fit what we can into driving with her to complete her log book.

One more week till our holidays and during them my father will take her for lessons too! I don't want her driving an automatic car until she has mastered a manual no matter how easy they are to drive.

I want my studies to be in advance before I go. I hate doing them because they are so boring. It is kiddy stuff that we all know so there is little to interest me whilst doing it.

I want detailed and informative information for my replacement at work to ensure that my gorgeous children are all cared for as well and smoothly as possible. It is odd how anxious I feel about them. I am pretty sure writing threats to my replacement as to what I will do with them if they make any of my children even remotely unhappy is not a good idea. Somehow I will have to just convey that feeling to the workplace.

William attends school camp on the week we return and I need to organise some things for that.

I will need to cull Anna's packing by 90%. Otherwise the plane wont take off. I think Jane will pack nothing as usual so that we have to replace everything she needs. William cannot be trusted to pack even his shoes. I put presents for my grandson in a safe place and now I cannot find them.

Sara spent her 22nd birthday in hospital with cysts on her ovary - and I wish we were already there.

I havent managed to assist Jane with healthy eating or exercising - but she did walk herself to her job Saturday morning even though we offered to drive her if she woke us before 6am. She wasnt too unreasonable this weekend. She had a mosquito on her arm today and I slapped it - and told her "There - now you CAN tell people I hit you." I dont think her boss is paying her - but I cant discuss it with her because she gets so angry with me. OK - all I could do is tell her not to do it. I am a rotten example there because I often do volunteer work.

Last night Meg and the kids came around and after a shared bottle of wine we made fools out of ourselves on Singstar (Playstation game) and had heaps of fun.

Meg and her kids are going to look after our dogs while we are away. Although I trust them - I am anxious for my spoilt dogs. They dont like to be alone. They are big and dumb and spoilt. They act as if I have committed crimes when they are alone for four hours. I come home from work every day for lunch mostly to tend to their personalities. They like climate control and sofas and blankets. Food warmed and snacks in between meals. Dotti cries when she has fleas. I lazily let the dogs chase the car instead of walking them as often as I can/should. They often chew up or dig up stuff if I am late or in some way negligent.

Shame the kids at work and the dogs cant come with me for my holiday. I would feel so much better.

Happy Birthday Sara

Sara turned 22 today. My oldest daughter... With a baby of her own.

I don't have to wish her happiness and love. She has the brains and beauty to find her happiness and know she is loved.

The exciting bit is only 2 weeks until we will all be down there together again. I last saw them in February for daughter No 2's 16th birthday.

Two weeks till we drive to Tweed Heads and visit our beloved friends there. Then fly to Sydney and my daughter, her spouse and my grandson - Harbour bridge climb; the girls head to Justin Timberlake's concert and the whole touristy thing there! We are going to visit my cousins and maybe see some Aunts and Uncles. Then hire a car and drive south to see my father and step mother and show my kids where I played when I was young. Then a magnificent feast at my Mama's in Bowral. The zoo and sushi train with my grandson. The whole tourist thing with the kids in Sydney.

Mostly - just chilling with all my kids and some music and giggles. Arguing about what is fashionable or daggy - in anything and everything.

It is so close now it is kinda scary. I keep fretting over my itinerary. I have prepaid many things. Two weeks just doesn't seem long enough.

Different storms...

Hot and muggy all day. But right now it is gorgeous with lovely rain and a brief electrical storm and display earlier. I love to watch storms. I guess everyone does really.

The storm waited until I was home from work too.. which meant that the afternoon was outdoors - so much happier kids! I want the rain to stop before morning whereas MOTH of course wants the rain to continue - he doesn't work in the rain.

After work we took a workmate to the local mall to show her how to use the digital camera photo kiosks. My workmate is from the Philippines and has recently bought the camera so she can show her mother back home the photos. A week or more ago I went to her house to help her set up her printer.

At the mall MOTH found a keyboard at Big W that was priced ok - and Jane has wanted one for some time. The discussion was about putting it away for Christmas. I knew that was unlikely to happen - I always ruin secrets like that because I cannot wait. I didn't of course - and gave it to her immediately on our return from home.

She was so pleased she cheerfully cooked and assembled hamburgers for dinner. Smiling and gracious checking that the family members had enough to eat!

It feels weird because of course the past behaviour doesn't warrant any treat and certainly not a big one. I want her to behave just so I can buy the rest of the PlayStation2 Singstar games! We bought her that for her birthday and we all have had fun playing on it.... I look forward to the rest of the games and I NEVER play games on the machines.

Wonder if tomorrow morning Jane will happily get out of bed and get ready for school without a major carry on? Maybe she will speak to us and not spend hours in her room or try to sneak onto the internet at midnight? Maybe she wont fight with her siblings!

MAYBE it was money well spent. Or ....MAYBE I am still a complete schmuck.

The school holidays

William spent the first week with his father in Rockhampton. Oh - look Tom is currently running second in the trainer premierships! Next holidays I should make all the kids visit!

Actually I tried that these holidays - but the girls refused to budge. I was aware he had won a few races.

I took William and his mates to the movies.. Jane declined to go to and so I let William take another mate with him.

One lunch hour of mine my kids Anna & Will (and Damien) met me at work and we went to KFC and then to the duckpond to feed the critters.



My youngest daughter had been fighting with her siblings and refusing to dress or get out of bed before midday so sadly she didnt attend this with us. I have a feeling it hurts me more than it hurts her.

Anna and I work at places 200 metres apart - and she started work when my lunch hour finished. Because of the nature of school holidays the lunch was hurried because I had to be late... long boring story about rubbish that shouldnt happen.

Just another reason I like dogs. And small people.

We went ski tubing and picnicking. That was mostly fun but there was a little bit of a disaster. Well - ok in my mind a big disaster.
When my friend and her daughter indicated they wanted to go on a boat ride and I used what I thought was tactful comments about how the two year old couldn't go on the boat because of the lack of a suitable floatation device..... it didn't work. And so when I realised he was indeed on the dam without it I... went and called MOTH in and blasted the snot out of him. I don't need words to blast MOTH anymore - he was completely aware how mad I was. I gave him a mouthful later just because I can.

It was MOTH's birthday.

When my grandson was here.. that law wasn't so strict. You certainly had a duty of care and had to carry floatation devices... but the law has changed since. My son Will is somewhat short for his age and attracts the attention of those who patrol such laws... I suspect the floatation devices we bought for my grandsons use would not pass the laws now about children on boats. But anyway we didn't have them. I think they are here but I don't think they would pass the new laws anyway. I know they don't have the ratings on them they need to pass the laws. By new laws I am talking two or three years old. And we just didn't risk my grandson on the boat three years ago.

I know accidents almost never happen. I know all of that. But I do know if they happen the consequences can be huge. I have lost the ability to take mad risks.

I was really wild though. Had MOTH been pulled up with mother and child without the required stuff - he does his car license as well as his boat license. I took it all out on MOTH. It is his license after all. His fine. Trust me these people aren't gunna pay you back the fine.

And I guess I started the day wild enough that the child didn't have a suitable car seat.

Believe it or not the whole story gets worse. I will write about it.. but I think just hashing this tonight has been enough.

It was meant to be a fun day. It ended up a disaster day. I stood there thinking what the fuck am I doing? I am allowing disasters to be a potential by fostering relationships that are not healthy for me. I adore MOTH and he thinks he is doing what I want when he accommodates my friends.

I don't care how brilliant a mother you think you are. How brilliant a swimmer or diver. You lose your kid in a dam that big... you are toast. Sink in it yourself... it isn't long before you cant see daylight and it is so so big. My daughter and I spent ages buying and tying my grandson into his floatation devices. We bought two cause we couldn't make up our minds.

And I might be being pessimistic. But I also read the paper and always cry at the small children lost out of stupidity.

I KNOW my friends love their kid. I KNOW my friends have many lovely qualities.. but I am wild with them. Really wild.

And I dont want to be wild.

How a lousy $50 messed up my week

Over the holidays my youngest daughter Jane babysat some children that attend my works after school care program. I was surprised and somewhat concerned when I noticed Jane had some financial issues – she refused attending the movies with the family (I was shouting but her attitude meant I didn’t elaborate that fact) and then another issue with the girls requirement of expensive footwear when I will only pay for basic footwear – and Jane went without. I suspected the mother of the children she babysits had not paid her and therefore I was annoyed with the mother….

My annoyance reached a crescendo that highlighted my madness on Monday morning when the mother rang at 6.20 am and asked Jane to babysit the children as they were sick – even though Jane is attending her last formal year of junior high school and school resumed that day. By the time Jane informed me of this fact – and I am heading out the door to pick up a workmates 3 year old and start work at 8 am myself…the difficulty of being able to pick and choose your fights with a troubled teenager.. and with a few words chosen straight from the gutter of the fishdocks I didn’t choose to drag Jane to school and let her proceed to her babysitting job.

Even though I had a hankering that something was very amiss with Jane’s finances.

Turns out Jane had lent one of my friends $50 and this had caused her poverty during the school holidays. Apparently one of my friends had taken Jane to a mothers group Monday week past and had a transaction declined at a store. Jane offered the money immediately.

Another example of Jane being the beautiful person that she is. Jane can be taciturn, willful, deceitful, hell she can tell damn ass lies about us…she can be lazy, she can be violent towards her siblings; but…. Sometimes – especially with children, animals sick or the elderly she can be so caring and lovely. Give you her last $50 (it nearly bloody was because I was getting ready to give her boss a mouthful for not paying her)

Jane did not tell me about the transaction because… well I am not entirely sure why. Why my friend didn’t tell me about the damn thing… annoys me too. My friend is not particularly good at remembering her debts. I cringe when she asks me to buy her cigarettes or something and she will pay me back. There is a good 50% chance she will somehow forget or manage to jip you with some “deal” to repay it. Always a good chance you wont see the money when it was promised to you. It IS only money and I remind myself that is not what is important to me.

Anyway – I put the money into Jane’s account. And I fielded a weird phone call this morning before 8am from my friend requesting stuff she insisted on lending me months ago that I am sure went back inside her resume folder I was working on at the time. She had wanted me to use it for a selection criteria for myself that I was not very interested in doing. It was the worksheets and information from years ago when we both did a volunteer course for a local organization that I thought was all crap then.

There is more. And in the weird way of blogging it will all probably come out back to front. Life feels like that a bit to me at the moment. It is completely back to front to go to work and see smiles and receive hugs to the knees, giggles and growth and then to feel hammered when I go home… to three teenagers fighting all watching pay tv, playing on the internet or on xbox or ps2 telling me what they want (that they interpret as need). Sometimes I take it out on the dogs or MOTH. Not that they are perfect either, and of course I am so far from perfect it horrifies me….

I wonder if it is too late to teach MOTH and the dogs not to eat on the sofas? Sure would beat yelling at them. I don’t know why I never remember Dotti is deaf when I yell at her.

Robyn visited us this weekend. Travelling without her children (Josh playing tennis tournaments and Sheridan on a school excursion in Italy) she arrived shortly after I got home from work Friday. I was tired as usual but pleased to see my friend and eager to catch up. Robyn's life direction seems so apart from my own that I had worried seeing her this time would be difficult. It wasnt at all. Talking to someone on MSN or occasionally getting distraught text messages or phone calls is not the same as in person. In person... she is still beautiful, compassionate, caring , funny and someone I enjoy being with.

So naturally enough we went fishing on Saturday.

That is her foot and line.... behind MOTH has caught something odd that fights well... are you guessing?

Only a baby but with the tail and barb and quite annoyed anyways....
You have to click on that photo and zoom.. the tail was quite long but I guess the damn thing wouldnt stay still and the flexibility of the tail so good... it was all curved up. Line was cut and off he swam.

We drove up Calliope River, fished a little, talked a lot and enjoyed the scenery.

Robyn is a fisherwoman who will adhere to the no fuss fishing rule some men like - and will sit over the boat and tinkle when necessary. I wont and require being taken to a public toilet or at very least a sandbank that I can go find a private place. We had been out since 11 and it was close to 4 pm when I decided I wanted to go home. MOTH is completely aware it mostly means I want to go to the loo.

He made a choice to drop me off at the boat ramp - I did consider objecting but felt I was being unfair to take my friend for a "quick" cruise up to see the harbour in the boat. So - without money, phone or shoes I climbed out of the boat and headed for the public toilets while they drove off for their cruise. And the damn sandflies swarmed me. I had nothing to get away from them... no insect repellent, no keys to get into our car, nothing. And they bloody hurt. So I decided to start walking... wrote a note in my lipstick that MOTH and Robyn could barely read... it meant to read "silly standing in sandflies.. walking".

My feet are ridiculously tender from working in sandshoes every day. I was bad tempered but still... in an understanding mood... the sandflies cannot possibly be MOTH's fault. The forty five minute stranded alone on a god damn boat ramp and walking along a highway in bare feet however.... somewhat made me worse tempered. I actually know in his head he was doing the right thing looking after the happiness of my friend. He has NO idea how I felt or how scared and vulnerable and miserable I felt. And little things like this have happened forever during our 12+ year relationship.

You would think I would of learnt by now how to not let myself be so vulnerable.

At home best attempts to restore temper... and .... well I am still scratching.

Robyn left for a family function this morning at about 7.30 am and to continue her journey that I am sure will be lots of fun.

We have been babysitting our friends Hope & Christian's dog Joe for the past fortnight and they came to reclaim him this morning too. So - I made kebabs with steak, mushroom, capsicum, onion, cherry tomatoes and marinade, cooked sausages and eggs and heated baked beans.... and we made it into an occasion.

Christian and Joe in the background. (MOTH's name is also Christian and my oldest daughters beau's name is Chris - just to create extra chaos..)
It was a pleasant brunch. Holiday snaps and tales shared. The white dog is of course our Dotti.

And the food and wine flowed just as I like it too.

Both my friends have wise and helpful advise on what to do with my troubles with my daughter and somewhat inharmonious? home. I choose to thank them both and dismiss the suggestions anyway.

Catch of the day

Moth and I went fishing today. This is our catch.

The bat fish up the top will be used next weekend (or the weekend after) in the crab pots as bait. The others were eaten tonight.. stuffed with parsley, coriander and kaffir lime leaves and baked on the bbq. Served with chunky potato chips and salad - freshest lettuce leaves straight from my garden.

Five hours of just MOTH, Rocky the wonderdog and me on the water.

School holidays again. My son William has gone to his fathers in Rockhampton. His father won three races last thursday so hopefully is feeling generous to his kids!? The girls are staying home due to work commitments... I just hope things go smoothly. It is the best I can do!

Cant make this post sound sane... it isnt

It has been a very odd time. My reactions to my youngest daughter's actions are far from perfect. There are occasions I can be compassionate and eager to find solutions... and other times when I have to compete with my own blind fury at her actions (most notably the cutting herself but there are other incidents of self injury .. it could make me rave on forever) and stop myself from shouting at her "You bloody IDIOT!"

A couple of occasions I have indeed blurted those words. And although I regret them for the hurt it causes her.. I still meant them?

A horrid night wherein one of our verbal arguments led me to tell her to move to her fathers.... to which she accepted... and I think both of us immediately regretted but neither could back down.

I went fishing with MOTh early the next morning and wished I knew how to use the new mobile phone texting thingimigig... I wanted to text her sisters to convince Jane to change her mind.

Life continues to be busy... and mostly happy. But it is head banging how Jane keeps making decisions that make no sense and have no logic and can be so absolutely terrifying.

In an effort to win friends and influence people she told people at school she was bisexual. Jane hasn't got a clue about her sexuality yet - she thought it sounded cool. It means she has to endure further ridicule at school. She is using the family drawer money (money that is for bus fare and milk or bread or urgent supplies while we are at work) to buy tuck shop instead of packing lunch meaning that her siblings have no access to these funds. She lays on her bed or the sofa and refuses to do chores until I get home from work prompting huge arguments with her siblings. They accuse her of assaults and deceits.... They strike and or dissent in their own ways.

MOTH feels challenged because my attention isn't being spread to the levels it should be. I am annoyed when I get home and the house is a mess and I am not putting my usual effort into cooking for my family. My efforts towards our personal life are pretty lacking too. Sometimes I just go straight to my room with the dogs and beg for privacy from the human family.

I sometimes feel odd as I walk home tired from work and realise that my normal reaction to being home - elated and relieved and happy has been replaced by fear and a desire to turn around and walk back to work.

I dont understand why Jane was put on such a strong anti depressant in the first place. (She has taken herself off it three times now and this time I have again decided.. no drugs)

I THINK that Jane decided to become depressed because she was impressed by the attention a fellow student was receiving who suffered depression. I cant MAKE Jane exercise. I cant MAKE her feed the ducks, go for a swim or a boat ride, listen to music and talk crap for hours with a great friend or take joy out of the little things in life that can make you so happy. She claims the cutting herself is because she finds herself unattractive and fat. She cannot lose weight lying on the sofa or bed. It is very hard to look attractive with slices all over your body. She can have moments of being a wonderful loving daughter who can make me laugh and make me proud of her.

She can send me into a blind fury where I want to slap her.. and hard. She can take apathy and laziness into levels never even thought of before. I can offer her my debit card to walk into town and buy the clothes she claims she needs and cannot seem to launder herself or remember to put in with mine and her siblings every evening... and she wont ever take the offer up. Tells other people how horrid I am that I refuse to drive her.

My car is actually in the shop being fixed. I forget what is wrong with it. It is expensive anyway. A gasket or something like that.

And if you tell me or any other member of my family.... here is the money - go get your new stuff but you have to walk maybe a kilometre to get it.. you wont see us for dust! Martyrdom doesn't sit very well with me. It can however send me into a fury.

And her sadness just kills me. Her cuts just hurt me. Her belief she is not beautiful absolutely sends me insane. Her life indoors; the every single morning battle to get her out of bed and go to school; Anna and William getting wild at her.... MOTH losing his temper with my not doing anything about it.... It is simply very very hard. I cant force her.. I am a little frightened of her myself.

We are dogsitting a friends dog at the moment. Surprisingly, Jane seems to enjoy looking after this dog. I have had to treat all three dogs for ticks and fleas...Poor Joe was rotten infested with both and my friends seemed to think a cheap treatment would work.....

This dog is not used to life as one of us... and is nervous but excited at living where ever he wants... The owners did tell me not to let him inside for more than an hour a day.... but what the heck where they thinking? So Joe has endured two baths and one expensive flea and tick treatment. My dogs have taught him that there is no need to flee from humans and infact the place for all dogs to stand sit or lay is in fact.. directly where you think the humans could be wanting to be. Joe has learnt beds and sofas are definately better than the holes he dug in the backyard to sleep in. Joe dug out all the aloes from out the front garden in the first few days. He made a bed out of what we call the paper plants out the back. But now he just sleeps on the sofa. Or with Jane. Jane spent the first few days protecting him from our dogs who dont mind a good dog fight.

Anyway - the kids at work make me forget all of this for a little. We paint and playdoh, we toilet train and we miss heaps, we pull faces and we delight in bugs and flying insects, we laugh and we cry; we count and we can name colours & shapes sometimes...the kids copy me when I say "Oh dear, oh dear" and it makes me roar and soar laughing.... I pat their backs to make them sleep and later if they think I am sad or angry they try to pat my back....and I love every second of them. When it creeps into my head one day they will be teenagers I make myself think of something else.

I have also taught them all to tell me that I am a very good singer.

Thank Dog for small children.

Somethings are just too hard to understand

I have thought of many things I would like to write about. Some good, some bad. Some I found funny, some I found sad.

But my youngest daughter has continued with cutting herself...last week her stomach and her legs... and I find it hard to focus on anything for long. I found out about that lot by noticing her MSN nickname was EMO EMO CUT CUT CUT....

I better record what is happening...

Daughters' No2 and 3 are at their biological father's place. (When I am feeling nasty I call him the sperm donor.)

Hard to feel nasty about someone going through something as dramatic as this. Saturday morning all registered horse workers were advised that no racehorse could be transported ANYWHERE. Complete quarantine. A dozen horses all wanting to go to their training and racing.... confined to their stables. Rotten luck and timing. A million possibilities and things to be thought about. But definitely nice that the girls chose to be with their father and try to help him.

Rumours are rife - I have done a little fretting. It is a tough industry but... will it raise prices or bring them down? How the heck will Spermdonor survive this if it goes on for too long? How badly will our investments suffer? Could we benefit from it if we be a little cautious now? I am pretty sure his position is safe for some time. Why do I stay in love with such a fickle industry? Why the heck didn't we push the issue of his retirement to a property that allowed greater movement more?

The thing I really LOVE - is his girls stood by him during what would be a terrible worrying time for him. Not that he is concerned about the equine flu... it shouldn't affect him... but the ban on movement stops all racing, training, spelling and will make his life so much harder. A dozen antsy racehorses in their stables wanting to get out. And they cant go anywhere.

OK - so the girls get off a few days school helping dad out. I choose not to believe that is their reasons for helping. It makes me happier.

And William alone is so much easier than his sisters. I can feed him toasted sandwiches and he is happy. I don't seem to have mad amounts of work to do. No one is stressing me about what they want to wear or why I have to play taxi a half dozen times tomorrow.

Shame school is so important. I kinda like the girls looking after their Dad.

The dogs however seem to be annoyed the girls are not home. One of them chewed up Jane's mattress.. so I turned the mattress over and made the bed. It looks fine to me. Both dogs claim they didn't do it. I speak fluent naughty dog as well as toddler.

On the weekend my friend Hope visited unexpectedly. I was meant to visit her on Sunday - but shit happened and I never got there. I should of rang or something - but I didn't. My claim is emotional exhaustion. Too many things happening.

I adore my kids at work. I suspect that seeing this is my first foray into childcare somehow I just received the best kids ever. They are so funny - so loving - a couple so brilliant.... some not so brilliant but... oh I dunno.

Adult People aren't bugging me as badly as they usually do. Things that would normally annoy me... don't seem to be.

I haven't shook this flu. I am still snotty and croaky and I still let the kids cuddle me knowing full well they are sick. I still don't listen to any seasoned worker or colleague that tells me.. don't pick them up or cuddle them or else you will stay sick. I still laugh when little Annie (not her real name) sneezes boogers all over me... and I still pick the coughing kids up and tell them its ok when they look scared.

Maybe this week we should cook chicken soup?

Daughter No1 was a wonderful help last week in planning our holiday that I am getting scared of. I worry the problems with this equine flu will affect us.. I worry that I think our landlady wants to get rid of us... suddenly giving us notices we never had before when I normally breach every single rule...(for instance... dogs are not allowed inside) My dogs complain about the temperature for heavens sake. They tell me turn on the heater and air conditioner. And I do it. I worry I should spend money more wisely... yet i still spend madly on something like a seafood dinner.

But I keep myself happy. Sometimes life is not very nice.