Can't I waffle on about how we stripped off the 9 two year olds today and filled two large water troughs with water from the fire hose and added bubbles and plastic boats and water squirters? (guns/pistols are not allowed at our daycare however we insist they are neither and are indeed "squirters" and we make sure we install the word "squirter" into the children)
Now THAT was fun. The roaring laughter, the squeals, the wet little people, the cool lovely cuddles as they tried to squirt water always directly in our faces..... the "Missalissa look at ME" as they splashed and sploshed and made me laugh until I snorted.
I have had a dull headache above my left eye for over a week now, and it wont leave me alone. I am doing my best to not think about my daughter no2 and daughter no3's choices. But it is kinda hard.
I also have a nagging worry as I tend to my two year olds that I am a real pretender and no mother of a thief should be trying to teach these precious little people what is right and wrong, what colour or animal is that, what sound an animal makes, what is happy and what is sad and how to recognise their names the alphabet and their numbers.
When their parents collect the children I find myself wondering what they would think if they knew - and worse! Horrors! It is a small town and they will probably hear about it. And how would I explain it? I accept a Xmas gift from one of my small charges... and stop the tears from my eyes because the truth is I never managed to stop THAT kid from stealing his friends lunches at the table EITHER!
Yep - on a scale of shitiness.. I feel pretty damn... shitty. And I am going to excuse my deplorable choice of words in that last sentence. Why? Because I spent an hour or more reading the dreadful use of English that my teenagers use in text messaging, myspace and such other web page type things today. Here is a verbatim example.
well can u tell mi y u and jane did it????
cuz i have no effin idea!!!!
and yea i kno i was in the wrong 4 lettin u 2 go through mi registar
bt friends dnt dob friends in that is y i did not say anything cuz u were mi friend!!!!!!!!!!
and tell jane i hope she is happy cuz i mst prob b gettin charged for wat happens!!!!!!!!!!!
so i lst mi job and gettin charged 4 it!!!!!!!!!!!!
then when i went in the interview room at wrk and lied to the police officer so i could cover u and jane up bt then he new that i was liein so i told him the truth..............
so wat is happenin to u and jane?????
plz right bak
That was from the poor girl who lost her job when my daughter chose to shoplift on Saturday. The girl this was addressed to whom Jane was sure was her new best friend and greatest friend ever - has now decided it was all Jane's fault and Jane stole everything and she is the innocent bystander. And I worry that Jane is feigning her sorrow and guilt for my benefit.
Last week I wrote this email to my daughter no 2 who is staying at her friends house right now.
Dear Anna,
I have been advised that you have organised with your father to remove your belongings on the 24th December and will be staying with him for a while. On hearsay it is alleged you will then reside with your friend who has recently endured their own family displacement and I trust and hope you will manage to be a viable part of that household and not cause them any distress.
As I will be at work on the 24th December I would appreciate an inventory of what you plan to take, as a matter of courtesy. I will have it out for you on the 23rd in the carport.
I will attend the meeting with Mr. Wyer on Friday and advise Toolooa High School of the situation wherein I find it impossible to support your behavior and although I am completely aware of what has happened to your school work that it is not in my power or discretion to make any changes in that area. Your socialising every single night until the early morning hours and treating our home as a motel cant be tolerated. You have made the decision to act like an adult and therefore can have the responsibilities of one.
I wish you luck and happiness.
I have decided that in light of your recent (well, that is for argument too) behavior and in the consideration that I am not financially willing to support your mobile telephone usage (something that has never met my approval) that you will have to return the current phone. I am considering allowing you to have my Motorola telephone that is fully paid for and you can organise some kind of payment plan that suits you. The telephone in your possession that is a contract in my name I need back this weekend.
Again, as a matter of courtesy, I would appreciate a rough estimate the vodaphone telephone bill will incur.
Jane and William have elected to spend Christmas with your father and I have encouraged William to spend further time with you and your family. I will appreciate the time alone and the lesser work and costs involved with just 2-3 people.
I am completely aware of how you think making me suffer for protesting your bad behavior by your absence will allow you to feel self righteous and indignant about my cruel words... but the fact is I am just as strong as you are ...and I don't need your behavior bringing me unhappiness, worry and unnecessary work or expense.
You want to party every night - even on a Monday night because "it is school holidays" (without your expletives) and I am staring at a letter stating you'r efailing the most important exams of your life even though you have the comfort of a home, people who love you and leniency at every single angle.
I am not sitting up on a Monday night worrying about you. You have chosen adulthood - may you embrace it and may it not be cruel.
Thank you for the good times. Thank you for all the times you made me laugh and smile. For every poem recited, song sung, dance danced and time you choked my throat and made me blink back tears at how beautiful and cute you are. For the times you made me feel loved and the times you tried to help my sadness at the big bad world that can be so mean. And best of luck with your choices - may you find happiness... sometimes it does come from the places we expect least. Our door is always open - it just cant be open 24/7 for how you chose to behave. But if you need me... I am always easy to find. I am going to miss you.
I love you always Anna.
Organise for the phone swap and the inventory of what you are taking on the 24th. I will make sure the stuff is outside on the 23rd.
Mum
She responded with this.
Dear Mum.
ok the phone will be returned to you. It can still make calls but 3 of the buttons do not work.
Do not worry about giving me the motorala i will organise somthing as the nokia is pretty damaged. If i return the phone u should use the sim as 50 dollers will be taken out everymonth unless u cancel it.
Im not shore were im going to be living permenetly i just no im going to dads for christmas.
If u do not want to attend the meeting that is fine as because i dont live there i need to organise being a independeant student. Im still going to the meeting as im finishing yeat 12 there
Are u saying william is to be living with dad aswell?
Love Anna
Bit of a worry really. And to think she actually did pass English?
Everything is a bit bewildering for me at the moment.
MOTH of course is my rock. Even if he can be an annoying rock. He thinks the way to cure any form of my unhappiness is sex. I agree - it is a useful mechanism to relieve stress. But, sadly he thinks that if my misery is great - then the solution is more sex. I convinced him to take me to a restuarant and buy William and Damien takeout pizza tonight.(Jane too of course - it is just I am not feeling particularly generous to her at the moment and she is just lucky the boys don't annoy me - she should be eating boiled rice and cabbage)
Mostly because I know at a restaurant he cant hassle me. The food was nice though and the no washing up was nicer. MOTH is a little weird when I have major problems - he just doesn't seem to be able to cope. So he tries to compensate by also demanding my attention. And I am perfectly aware smacking every one's nose is not an option.
Damn shame that.
The dogs are reacting just the same though. They think the solution is to sit on me. Rocky climbed on the dining table tonight in an effort to gain my attention. I went with the flow and fed him a couple of my Christmas present chocolates. Put fairy wings on Dotti and watched her try to chew it off her back. She doesn't really make a very good fairy.
Both my parents sent me lovely notes and gifts this week. My mother likes to stay in touch and so her kindness was somewhat anticipated. My father, however has almost never been guilty of showing affection - so that was kind of a shock. Damn shame his note included his pride in my beautiful girls. I managed to lose the cheque enclosed and I think that is probably a good thing.
And, believe it or not, only a few tears have escaped. I think I need time alone so I can let them go. But right now - my commitments to work, this family, my friends, my colleagues and even the dogs don't allow for such an indulgence.
Oh! MOTH told one of my friends about Jane's shoplifting. And I have had to endure her pleasure in my failure. If you have a friend who works and has just an hour for lunch - don't take your children to her house to laugh at her demise during that time. It is extra mean. The lunch hour recipient cannot eat - because she couldn't eat in front of people and couldn't be assed cooking for you and yours...and she will be starving later when she is working a 9 1/2 hour day.
And it is easy to gloat when you feel more secure. Trying to force me to concede that your advice that the child encouraging Jane was bad... wont endear you to me. Normally I try to let it go that this friend loves to see me (or anyone) failing.. and sometimes I can just let it go.
But this particular week I could of killed MOTH for telling. He of course, cannot understand why I bit his head off for telling her the truth about where I was Saturday afternoon when I should of been preparing for their visit. Why he couldn't of just said I had a case of herpes/ syphilis or gonorrhea and had to go to hospital is beyond me.
It would of been easier to live down.
Pride is an awful thing. Swallowing it is just dreadful. It has all just made me feel terribly tired. And I cant sleep I have too much to do - and when I do have time to sleep I just cant. It is dreadfully easy to convince yourself that your children are magnificent and not see their faults. It is awfully difficult to listen to anyone tell you that your children have faults.
The police called today at work for Jane's interview. My friend and colleague and also the mother of the other shoplifter involved took the call and the dates for the appointments with the police detectives. Jane could be just cautioned because she has no priors. But it appears she has taken the blame for the lot. The interview date is when she will be at her fathers - so we will have to organise for her to catch the train back for it or maybe the interview can be at Rockhampton. I dont know. I guess that is just another thing on my urgent "to do" list.
I am never sure if Jane shows remorse or if she is just acting what she thinks I expect her to act. But as she stares at the ceiling when I mention anything connected to any of this... I wonder if she actually thinks about anything at all. Maybe my daughters were simply beautiful in white nighties at bed time and ... along the way I forgot to teach them stuff I really should of.
I still refuse to believe Jane needs drugs. I still refuse the labels and I still utterly believe she is just (on occasion) a naughty little girl. Her alleigences are misguided and her devotion to children and people with their own problems could be commendable if they were directed in the right direction. I dont think she understands that her own behaviour could jeapordise what she is actually best at.
I think I just indulged Anna too many times so that she can be as rude as she wants to me. And it all just went way too far. She is advertising her move to Rockhampton as happily as one can - even though she has thrown tantrums every time I have mentioned I want to leave this town for the last four years.
Do not kow tow to your children. Seventeen years goes so very fast. By all means consider their happiness.. but dont make that the ultimate decision. Because the little ingrates will bite you. And so they should if you were so stupid.
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