The depravity of addicts - second failure day

Thank heck I was never interested in illegal drugs. My love of tobacco is just so bloody awful. I thought I was going really well for the first few days. Three cigarettes in one day for me! Then - a couple of slip ups and.. maybe 5-7 cigarettes? And I would tell myself... that isn't all bad? From 40 to seven! Marvellous well done. Or the errant family member who says "Mum, naughty naughty!" when I do smoke - and doesn't know how close to violence they have just encouraged me.

I learnt very quickly that there are "triggers" to my smoking. I smoke alot around certain people. And I realised that I use the cigarette as a barrier.. because I don't feel comfortable with them and the cigarette gives me time to carefully chose my words. People that have different opinions to social/political matters then I do. I use the cigarette to carefully think... be quiet.... say nothing. (Past fortnight I have found it much easier to simply HIDE from said people) I learnt some people I smoke with for the simple.. sharing of a pleasure. Boredom entices me to smoke. Habits definately are the largest part. The alcoholic beverage or the caffeine.... that is a habit. Anything stressful tends to make me reach for the cigarettes.

Oh - the caffeine headache lasted two days. I absolutely kid you not. It did not let up. I took about 12 panadols until I threw them out in disgust too... figuring they could probably end up my next addiction.

It is the lack of sleep that is most horrendous. And I guess my addictive behaviour really took hold (it was there before this) when I went through my sleep deprivation motherhood years. When my son was at home he was almost always connected to an apneo moniter that would scream this horrible siren when William had forgotten to breath for over 20 seconds. The main problem was basically he had a floppy larynx and lazy brain that wouldn't tell his body to fix it. It was a good thing actually the problem with his throat (that he simply grew into). As he breathed he would make this "whhoppp whooppp" sound. And it was so noisy that really I didn't need the machine. I could be with the girls downstairs in the pool and still hear when the quiet came. He spent a great time of time at the wonderful Royal Brisbane Childrens Hospital and we donated heaps of time and research to the SIDS clinic at the Mater Hospital. I taught myself to drink myself to sleep. I also always managed to wake when the damn sound stopped. My mother-in-law used to call it "the dripping tap". But many late nights we both agreed we were greatful for "the dripping tap." Never did the siren go off without me or Margaret being there first.

I am just so unbelievably tired. I have been deliberately walking long walks and taking the dogs for runs and exercising to tire me out. I have re- read all Colleen McCullough's Rome series. I read another Jill Manswell and the Ozzy Osbourne biography "Ozzie knows best" by Chris Nickson. Usually mind numbing silliness amuses me. I can't read anything that doesn't make me concentrate because.... if I am not concentrating I am thinking about cigarettes.

I can't sit at the computer for long times because it is another trigger to smoke.

I haven't ever realised how.. I avoid my partners moods or idiosyncracies with the protection of alcohol or cigarettes before. Don't get me wrong I do love him. But he is a bad tempered sod who advocates vicious diatribe I would never ever believe in or endorse....(he would be BETTER OFF IF HE FELL IN LOVE WITH MY GIRLFRIEND I AM HIDING FROM... and I have so been in this place before) And they are not his beliefs.. they are the beliefs of the people he works with. Yet he swears like a trooper (sorry to all troopers I have never met one really) when he is with them and shocks me... if I say Buggar he is alarmed - if i say c*nt he protects himself.

How much fun it is to walk with Anna on the beach at midnight. (Or how many times my dogs can crap! late at night!) How many nasty comments that happen to me all the time.. but normally I ride over them but without my beloved vices they cut raw? I normally don't notice the acid comments and jibes about me being home all day and doing nothing when there is a three or two at worst course dinner.

I guess I always just protect myself and mine. I can blow things out of proportion. (Christian is working afternoon shift today... I am happy to drink the scotch and smoke the cigarettes I stashed) And how my... methods of avoiding any problems we have are .. so scarey without them when I realise I live with and have loved someone who doesnt have my beliefs AT ALL? I don't believe in no refugees. I certainly don't believe in children in detention. I don't believe our authorities would willingly allow us to eat modifyed genetic food that can harm us. I didn't believe police were bad before I met him. (OK now I do - I find my circumstances hard to forgive them... they didn't need to enter a bathroom with a naked 11 year old twice.. but there is another side.. the side that had I never fell in love with Christian this would never of happened to me?) How I am always always terrified of his driving. You can take the boy out of Woodridge... but you cannot take the Woodridge out of the boy. And I had no business playing with him in the first place.

The martyrdom is amazing. Because he felt he was treated (and he was) badly as a kid he cannot imagine why I argue that my kids cannot be treated the same way. I guess I am that callous. Just because he was treated cruelly doesnt mean my kids cant be picked up and delivered to school/sport/travel/whatever. Normally I dont fight.. I just drink... and do what I want to the next day. I almost never get hangovers so it works fine. It isnt working too fine this past two weeks. And I dont have the cigarette to let me have those valuable seconds that dont say something nasty.

Ahh I don't like me all that much without my addictions either. My cigarettes allow me time to think and say nothing. My booze allows me to not feel fear when he yells. I have seen my girlfriends get upset and worried about me.. and I am not worried.. I have had enough booze to not be scared...i could quite easily beat a tiger, lion or bear. At least daily Christian has said to me... "for fucks sake just smoke". I walk away thinking "thanks for your support.. its always been brilliant". Why do people harm each other like this?

I feel like I am swaying on some stupid tree I so shouldnt of climbed up in the first place. And I agree with every nasty comment.. he so shouldn't have no money for new lights on the boat (he so shouldnt of spent our last weekly budget on his rotten car he kills daily) - he works hard. But he took on a woman with three kids. He should of at least had some brains with the other women. Four kids with school holidays and man werent they a killer! But now I am suffering fear of heights. I cant cope with no sleep... it is just too cruel. We all suffer from our own behaviour. And there is no help for you if you establish behaviours that are detrimental. I am just too tired and I don't know what to do next. I have to stay still for Anna for another two years. I don't want to stay still. I am mad as hell I have to give up my cigarettes and my wine or spirits... I am mad as hell I am expected to be used to being yelled at... I am mad as hell imbiciles have jobs and I usually am underemployed. I am mad as hell I cant smoke inbetween these things. Anna still says "poor Dad?" My goodness he paid $10 a fortnight for these kids for four years? And POOR DAD.

Well tomorrow I might try the not smoking/drinking thing again. Or not.