The betrayal of confidence...

I mentioned in my last post that I had sent an email forwarded from my oldest daughter Sara that my youngest daughter Jane had sent her. It was a very uplifting letter - full of dreams of life and desires and ambitions fit for any young achiever.

As I also mentioned - I foolishly forwarded it to middle daughter Anna without being aware that she and Jane were at an internet cafe and that Jane had full knowledge of our... betrayal of confidence.

The reasons for our.. bafflement? wonder? amazement and perhaps concern about the letter are many.

Here is Jane's letter to her big sister.

Hey Sara!!

awww he is sooo cute!!!
Well i have
decide not to live in sydney anymore well not for a while any
way!!
when i finish grade 12 im going to schoolies then im going to
live in Gatton(thats where Tonia and Gary Live) because i want to be a wildlife
officer or something like that who works with like panda bears and stuff!! and
Gatton has the 3 best course...people all over the world come there just to do
that course..... but before i start there me and garry are traveling the
world YAH:) so yea i hope that works out! and while im studying at uni im gonna
work in child care as a part time job or something cause at the moment im am
doing certificate 3 in early childhood studies!!

i hoping to save
30 grand in 2 years....thats gonna be heaps hard but i gotta try lol.....because
formal, schoolies, car, Around the world and my new apartment and funiture and
uni course will be coming up in 2 years!!

i like my new
school alot and i told mum that and shes mad at me but nothing new there!! its
really hot here ...i wish i was in sydney though its cold there and i love
sydney!! its flodding here at the monet aswell but its not getting any hgiger i
dont think...its just around the river....we are about 50 meters away from it so
we were lucky!!

im looking for a job at the moment but i havnt put
my resume much place..only sizzlers and Sanity!!
im at the
bowling centre at the moment because its the only way we can use the internet at
the moment but it cost 7 dollars for an hour so i wont reply for a while
sorry :( well best be off then!! Cya :)
love you
say
hi to judy, Jay, Chris and judys kids...i think its david i cant
rem,ber the other gals name lol:(

welll bye!!

It is a lovely letter - albiet full of dreadful mistakes.... and she sounds so cheerful and looking forward to the future.... BUT....

Well - I had to drag Jane out of bed every day for school. Weekends and holidays she is lucky to even be dressed before 1pm. Her past jobs - I have to yell at her to just get her there 5 minutes LATE. Her apathy would make me fret to utter distraction... Jane always thinks large amounts of money spent on things such as her music lessons or gym or.. whatever would make her happy. And yet no matter how often I would try to give her something she has said she wants - she would always ALWAYS just put it aside and/or discard it. I know the girls printed out about 20 resumes in application for jobs for Jane. I was with the girls when Jane handed in hers at Sizzlers. I saw the envelopes all with prospective employers names on the front.

Their first day at school I rang to see how they went and got Jane on the phone. The conversation went like this:-

"How was your first day at school?"

"It was wonderful - I learnt more today than I did the entire time I was at Toolooa!" gushed Jane.

"Right, goodnight Jane.. talk to you later..." and I hung up.

I wasn't mad that she had a nice time at school - I was mad at the stupid statement ...I just didn't feel able to cop such bullshit.Anna rang back to tell me how her day went - but I did go to work that evening after my day off... and William and MOTH simply forgot to tell me Anna wanted to talk too.

Jane is mad at Me. And it isnt logical - but it is just the way it is. It is my fault she is over weight - I wont pay for the gym and drive her to swimming. It is my fault she doesn't have nice clothes - because within days of purchasing them they mysteriously dont fit her. Or clothes are disposable wear once only items. Something like that. It is my fault she got caught shoplifting because I wouldn't provide for her. (She was mostly stealing baby items) I wouldn't of bought her foundation - I admit that - because her skin is PERFECT. It is my fault she isnt a brilliant musician - I wouldn't pay for the lessons. I cant get this girl to get out of damn bed in the morning but had I provided these magical beans she would of been better off. In the past I have wasted money paying for drama classes etc that she GOT KICKED OUT OF FOR BAD BEHAVIOUR... and you dont get refunds. I dont have to do that kind of effort - the cajoling, nagging, bribing and screaming like a mad woman to get her siblings to attend their chosen.. things. I just have to make sure I have organised paying for the chosen thing, find a way for them to get there and turn up sometimes when I am meant to. Make sure their stuff is clean etc... Will and Anna just always make things easier on me....

I hope Sara wasn't REALLY MAD at me when she rang to berate me for showing them that she forwarded the email. I actually didn't realise I was dobbing her in because Anna is normally excellent at discretion. I really wasn't aware Jane was sitting beside Anna as I forwarded the email. I was terribly flippant - because I was just enjoying listening to Sara's voice for a minute or so.

But I found it .. amusing? that Jane took the betrayal hard. Because she has always been so brilliant at betraying her sisters (and my) confidence... it seems ironic that she should be able to make her sisters feel bad for betraying hers.

I am enormously worried that Jane seems to equate her happiness with money or .. fantasies about things that.. just aren't going to make her happy or be viable. She choses relationships with people that can't be good for her ... and her loyalty to those people becomes a defiance to me... There are times I wonder if I should pretend those relationships are fantastic so she can ditch them....

I love that girl. I just wish she could make things easier on herself.