No more whirling - back to the baby steps

Thanks for the comments. Such a mismatch of feelings and nothing making too much sense but ... the comments made me feel a little better.

I shed tears again when I read Joy's blog but at least the sobs and choking feeling in the throat are gone. Her writing was way more elegant than mine but suffice to say she has always been better at the sane thing than I have.

And in comments! Carrie! Whom I love and who listened and made me laugh through a million baby steps with me and who I rarely catch up with anymore! See - life can be so wonderful - friendships may not be as intense as once... but they just live for so long!

Life is just so lucky and wonderful with friends.

I was able to walk with MOTH and my son William and admire the full moon.

I quit my second job. I did it mostly in temper but in hindsight I am glad I did. Even though it was just cleaning the childcare centre I work at I liked making sure it was lovely and clean. I knew where "accidents" had occurred and which toys had been in mouths etc.

The truth of why I quit lays somewhere between - I am an impossible bitch who likes things my own way to my coworker is neurotic and unstable. But either way - there is a stupid rule that we had to clean together and this.. inevitably led to my frustration. I am not afraid of being raped and murdered at a childcare centre after hours. My colleague finds my flippant attitude to being alone at the centre a real issue worthy of threatening me with the boss every time I forget to tell her I am going to the garbage bins or outside to have a cigarette etc.

I would of liked to clean for an hour... go home cook dinner and go back and do the other hour. My colleague would try to make me understand how she thought and I found it erratic. I know the crucial part to her thinking was what do the people in the top centre think - she thinks as long as they know we are there (even if we are drinking coffee and talking) that is fine...so she would want to stay until they left. I didn't give a rats arse what they think - if I cleaned the centre at 3 am that is none of their business.. but I guess the language and cultural barrier... and I have got a family and dogs that I would prefer be with...

Anyway it is best that I just quit it - 6 hours a week at $20 an hour isn't worth my sanity and the possibility my working relationship with this woman would hit a low... lower than even I can do... No matter how much I liked making sure the rooms were lovely and clean for the children.

My stress at my colleague was becoming so terribly high and it was scaring me that I could feel so upset at a person. Her like of washing up in cold water distressed me. Her use of loads of water and suds when mopping the floors distressed me. She will tell me the bathroom is clean when the skirting boards are visibly disgusting and there is POO IN THE LOO! She retreats when I decide to do it again and just spends the time in her own room and then I feel... like a mini tornado.

It was affecting how I work with this woman too because incidents during our day where she would be upset at another coworker ... could of impaired my judgement because I ended up feeling defensive about the other coworker and argumentative about her decisions.

I could have to do it for another week or so - I don't know how much notice I was meant to give. Guess I will find that out tomorrow. Babysteps and bite tongue! I do know the routine! I seem to forget too that when I took on the cleaning I did it for the reason of making sure it was clean. I can make sure my own room is clean during my working day.

And if it is not - I can blame the cleaners! Too easy!