Never IF I am in the shit - always simply the depth...

I assisted a girlfriend today with updating her resume and attending to the selection criteria for a position I mentioned previously.

Anyway - circumstances meant it was a full on 8 hour session... much of it me simply waiting for her to put together her examples of experiences to address the selection criteria... and for her to read what I had typed and see if she liked it....Or for me to highlight stuff I thought no sense etc etc. It is a long drawn out process.

I don't mind doing it - especially for this friend - because I know she really does care about her clients.

I am horrid.. I couldn't do the jobs she can because I have... a nastier disposition. And that can bother me because I hate thinking I am nasty. But I can make resumes look real real pretty. And I can answer selection criteria's for anyone I vaguely like ...

I have done this three times in the past four years for this same friend. And she got all the jobs I have done this for. I.. have not been so lucky in the job thingy. Could have a bit to do with the fact I don't apply - and when I do if I get rejected I don't put myself back in the situation to go threw that shit again. I always figure if people need me they can find me..

Hey it worked when I was young and thin etc? I have quit (or been fired) from legal secretary jobs and got home to find the answering machine had choices for me to go to work at...... Prospective employers knew I was available before it had even sunk in myself. Hell - I used to have solicitors clients try poach me and it was fun to tease them. (I am waffling - there is no way I want to work there again)

My partner/lover/person who farts in my bed etc... has been unhappy with his job - lack of money (HELLO we are broke because we bought the boat motor because HE wanted it?!!!) just general unhappiness... I guess... I am not unhappy... I was PLEASED he went back to work... I find my routine gets too upset with long bloody holidays... Once your broke - it is just dull - my friends stop visiting because they think they are intruding, I can't decide to just go visit someone or something... and even if I want to draw or paint I decide not too because he might want my attention ...

I really sound horrid now ... don't I? Oh well - that is how it is. I always feel like too many things want my attention. It is why I adore my dogs. Ok - they always want my attention too - and they certainly do sulk.... chew up my shoes even.. the new TELEPHONE wasn't a brilliant idea... But they cant sulk long... and they don't seem to remember stuff for ever. (Rocky still gives any dog who visits or who we visit my shoes to encourage them to chew them up.. he knows I will smack them....)

Waffling again... shit...

My car is in the shop. And I needed Christian to taxi daughter No 3 today to and from work. So he pouted and sulked and I.. wondered why he didn't just go fishing or go visit his mate or something?

About hour 6 after girlfriend and I sat working on the awful selection criteria etc... He started throwing little tantrums. I sat and typed and spaced, bolded and italiced... amended the table of contents, reworded and adjusted the settings on the tables and columns. The tantrums included my lack of preparing the kebabs for dinner... that pay tv was boring him and I should cancel it the minute the contract ran out (he loves it most),that I had neglected to feed the finches today and that I had ran out of seaweed extract to feed the garden. that we had the boat motor and I wont go fishing (I do do this - have done it forever.. Sometimes I actually say I don't want to go fishing); small stuff... stuff I was just ignoring.

But my girlfriend is employed in counselling. She assists the long time unemployed in rejoining the workforce. And she cant resist offering him advice.

Wave a red flag to a bull why don't you.

I have many times told my partner... if you don't like your job - let's put together a resume and find another. We did try the work for ourselves thing - it didn't work. These are my kids - and my worries, and if I don't go - he wont go. I would stay awake till mad hours... fretting about Will's tumours - and wake at 10 or 11 to him sitting next to me ready for work saying "I was waiting for you!"

He is younger than me.

We are like chalk and cheese really. But he makes me happy usually. He amuses me.

My girlfriend didn't seem to notice how annoyed he was. I did - but decided to just... play it cool. I asked him when she left why he carried on like that... (He even told her... she gets you jobs and wont work herself) In the same conversation my friend asks him what he needs to earn to compensate losing his current job... and he replies... "How would I know what I earn - she never tells me!"

I probably don't you know. I really don't discuss money with him. He makes it hard for us.. wont do Internet banking because people can rob you (of what?) ditto for phone banking, will not ask his boss for a payslip or ask his boss why his superannuation seems to be completely wrong... If I say... this isn't right you worked away this week and earnt less money than normal... he WILL NOT ask his boss why....

Righto - it is starting to get ugly and time for damage control. I print out all 26 pages... and tell my friend to take it home and scribble all over it. We can resume it in the morning. Somewhere in between me sorting out the mechanics bill, transporting the kids issues, I really should enroll myself in something, booking the motor service because tomorrow is the last day to keep within the warranty, finding three black shirts for work tomorrow night (whole other story.. bloody waffling),

I time out for a minute or so with my daughters. They are funny. Even Sara rang tonight to.. make it easier to time out.

Remember when the kids were toddlers and would do anything to get your attention? Smear shit all over the place, swear in front of relatives or a church member, write "Mum suks" on the wall? That is exactly how I felt.

Many times I have offered to write his resume etc. And always he refuses it. So - I offer again tonight. After a thirty minute lecture on how I should of done this years ago - and would do it for anyone but him.... I wrote the words "use necessary machinery" on one of his previous jobs.. and he went OFF HIS NUT. Threw the drink over the floor, slammed the door and told me I was unreasonable and being stupid and treating him badly.

He did say he was jealous I spent all that time with my girlfriend and not him. And I do know he doesn't need to work for such a bastard etc...

But the other half of the time he comes home from work all excited telling terrible stories of how they made the bucket on the front loader bunny hop down the hill etc (OWH&S people don't read here please)

I KNOW he has a hard time. I KNOW I should get a real job. Being casual at a large engineering firm isn't good enough. I cant do anything other than administration and referral. I will never be a counsellor and I don't want to work with children. I feel I have spent 21 year working for children, and its been hard and enjoyable work. But I have served my time surely. And I am no longer thin and ambitious. I am not pretty or cute anymore. My biggest ambition right now is just making sure my kids complete school - are happy, and have a work ethic. I don't want my kids to spend their first earnings on board etc. I understand that my doing this makes Christian mad... because he feels he was short sheeted on his first earnings. I don't try to say I understand his feeling on family. Because they are not the same as mine.

But - I cant help you if you cant help yourself. And I don't help myself because I decided I loved being mother and lover to this family - even with all the shit it came with. Take away the years of fretting and being scared... it was all fine.

I made my own bed... but tonight i wont sleep in it. I am really mad at him. But I understand if he feels its too hard.

Hell - I always told him to flee. I sure as hell would of.