My car was still in the shop Monday - and I needed to be in Agnes Waters Monday afternoon for work - so I had to call Christian's boss and tell him I needed the ford that afternoon.
Christian was so - fed up? with work - he decided to come with me. Now - this pleases me because I hate driving the ford. I cant tell if it is on petrol or gas - I get alarmed when it backfires and start pushing the button that makes it go from one to the other and have occasionally stalled it...and not having a gauge in front of me to tell me if I am going to run out of either freaks me out. (The gauge is in the boot/trunk)It steers like the back end is fighting the front end. But Christian has unbelievable faith in this beast. I like my car. But its getting a new radiator and water pump and some other thingy.(Picking it up this morning hooray!)
And - he can work too because I was given my choice of workers and was just going to use my daughters. Jane stayed home to babysit the dogs.
We were stocktaking at a small supermarket - and we finished the job at 2.15am. Hour and a bit drive home. I was contented - pleased at how both Christian and Anna worked, and felt we got the job done well. (But I guess anyone can count and call out numbers huh? Oh well)
On the drive home Christian said "That is the first time in my life I have worked in airconditioning."
Shit huh. I never thought of that. I SIT and type or punch numbers ... and whinge! With airconditioners, and computers to access the net and read stuff when I am bored, earphones to listen to music and I STILL WHINGE!
What a shame I don't get more of that kind of work huh?
When Christian woke up - he decided quite firmly he was quiting his job. His resume was (is) still in shambles, and he is being no help at putting it together and really - I don't know the names of the machinery they drive/operate whatever... But I respect the fact he cant stay if he is miserable - at the same time TERRIFIED... we live week to week on his pay - mines just for extras! Telling myself it will all be OK.... and off he goes to resign.
His boss rang back, I had no idea where Christian was (he was lining up the exact same job with another employer that we know pays less)... and I didn't comment on what was going on...
I was practising incredible self control - applying my lipstick and attending to housework, children and dogs but FEELING insane and terrified and SICK. I didn't want Christian to see my fear because I wanted to support him. But I had to apologise to the girls a couple of times for lashing at them unnecessarily.
When I returned he was so upset. He telephoned the other employer and accepted the job - but his voice broke down when he said "I love my family, and I cant keep bringing my work home and taking it out on them"...In twelve years I have only seen him cry three times previously...once at the death of my mother-in-law (not his mum - the sperm donors - but we both loved her, at the diagnoses of William's first tumours when we were all a bit insane, and once when I was leaving.... this was BIG for him. He doesn't even cry when a dog dies - I on the other hand have taken to my bed for a week to mourn the loss of my dogs and cried until it hurts all over.
Of course timing can never be kind to us - and just as he broke down... his boss arrived here. I told Christian to bring him inside because his face was red and obviously crying .. but they spoke on the verandah. I poured myself a wine and it was only 3 pm and I had no girlfriends visiting. I resisted the urge to eavesdrop and the girls and I hid in Anna's room until we couldn't anymore - Anna had to go to work.
His boss told him to take the rest of the week off.. paid and to go fishing. His boss promised to get him the tickets as soon as practical. His boss told him he was just feeling the heat and that he didn't mean to get so cranky and say such awful things and that it was the fault of the other worker... and that he would be gone.
But - it doesn't solve the real issues. Christian cant work forever in the sun. He doesn't want to be visiting the skin cancer clinics every other week when he is the bosses age. He has no idea what he wants to do... and my shoving the tafe course list under his nose isn't any help.
One solution would be that I go and get a full time job. When I work full time it is just so difficult at school holidays etc. I KNOW other women manage it perfectly well. I get phone calls (always when someone is around me) from the girls trying to kill each other. "Put down the knife!" is so not a good thing to be saying on the telephone at work. It also isnt good when Will and three mates arrive at my work covered in mud, carrying a fish they have just caught and telling me they are starving and his sisters wont let him in the house. This is not childcare age children - this is kids born in 1992-1992 and 1994.
Alright - maybe this time the kids will just have to learn how to cope.
But how does Christian find what he wants to do?
Ok - so the drama is hopefully over. It is just... boiling underneath again. My fingers and toes are crossed.
4 comments:
When you hate your job, and know you can't leave it because the family depends on it, it can tear you apart. Been there, done that. One of the most fucked up periods of my life.
Oh - I do KNOW - and my heart goes out to you too for those awful times - and I feel so HORRID for being so... greedy? or needy? But the thought of him not earning the larger $$$ and taking a normal job for someone who has no education and no tickets... a council labourer takes home a little over $500 a week? We just... couldnt do it? If he clears any less than $800 a week - I stress we have no money. Money is my worry - what happens to it is up to me. He needs fuel, money or I have to get up and make smoko and lunch, and an extra wee bit of money for something we wont mention...
I dont know how to make it easier. Well - yes I do. It is me go back to work fulltime so he can do something else. I just think it is all going to be so hard?
(I am completely aware I am sounding like/acting like a horrible whinging bitch woman - hence the pieces out of my tongue and constant application of lipstick in compensation for a smile)
Sex cures all problems... I am off...
Miserable is miserable no matter what you earned... but that sick churning feeling you get... yes been there done that when daz chucked his job just before Xmas. The fact he seamlessly started at my work and was full time within 3 days of starting is not the point, I was still crapping bricks. However he's now working somewhat similar hours, just as hard (working the tennis contract he was on over 70 hours per week working the hardest he ever had) but happy once more. So much easier living with a non grumpy shit.
And on another note I've got my promo, woohoo, similar money BUT without the crappy shift work!
Bring on the happy dance (no more cocktails til my liver revives though)
Of course you want him to be happy (and skin safe) in his work! But money is a real consideration and the bank balance can be heartbreaking and nerve-racking during a job change. Sometimes the money only stretches so far, and there's no more fat to be trimmed from the budget.
The thing is, it almost always works out - even if it's a tough two months or six months or a year before he's happily employed and you're caught up on the bills, if you have a roof over your head and some food in the fridge, it is worth it.
Sorry to go on and on with this. Having a similar situation here and this is what I tell myself.
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