Ok - today is goodbye Nina Nora

I just checked my email and found that gorgeous thing. Thanks Marie - I really thought I had no more tears left to cry this week.

My father and step mother are going. As is my oldest daughter and her paternal aunt. I havent looked at the letters and family tree stuff yet.. I can do that this afternoon. It is already the dreaded Monday.

I dont cry for her. I cry for me. Death is such a stupid selfish thing. I am glad she is no longer in pain and no longer torturing her family with refusing to eat. (Mind You I noticed if they cooked for her she tried... it was just the hospital crap she seemed unable to deal with) Her son's last email before she died,.. had the entry that the particular hospital she was in should only be allowed to do Little Johnnie's Labotomy. (Yes I know my spelling sucks.. it is 5 am...) Of course my lovely cousin had forgotten that this had obviously occured way before ... and maybe at the same hospital.

Its just such a myriad of wonderful memories with a woman I always loved and felt safe with? And EVERY one is more important than the story I have to tell today. Of being a child and being spoken to as if I were an adult - and not the normal ... "run away dear us adults have to talk". Of watching green frogs and smelling roses and feeding the magpies and of understanding the fear of being attacked by butcher birds......
Of humanising your own parents with stories that made sense. Of laughter and safety and love. Of her volunteer work with disabled kids that touched her and my heart. She told me the only reason she ran around an oval three times a week with a disabled kid was because if she didnt she wouldnt exercise. I was 13 and knew she was lying her ass off. And I ADMIRED her for her actions. Her dedication. Her willingness to give.
Once at Hat Head (their holiday house with Aunt Ilma) she stopped me on a bridge and spoke to me about disadvantaged people.... I have a feeling it was Ilma who made the sexual references that confused me for a while about the "raspiness" on the sex on the beach. Dunno but - time blurrs memories.
Tomorrow all my family will gather. One of the "three ugly sisters" will be missing. I wont be there,.... my first born daughter will. They will shriek and be funny, and rude and obnoxious. Thankfully for me the other Aunt I need and love as much as I loved Nina is young and can entertain and inform me for at least another 30 years. I wish I wasnt a coward and did go. I so desperately want to see them and breath them and laugh at their antics. (My Aunts are so mean they take their own food for the animals at the zoo) ((No - wait sometimes they wont enter the zoo and will simply shove the home bought food threw the fence))
Nina could feed families cheaply. I mean cheaply. She had a big strapping handsome husband who adored her (oh poor Dave i cant even imagine that side of it) and no matter what she said he was always at her side. I remember when she first got cancer and she would say ... yesterday it was raining... and he would say.. no it wasnt. And it confused me. (Normally Uncle was meant to just concur) You see it didnt matter if it rained or not. Yep - poetic license runs in our family. His pain was felt that way.
I think she is the only person i ever spoke to about death. I loved the fact she would show me pictures and tell me stories.I never stopped to think she would die. Or that I would be so selfish. What was she thinking with dying? I mean... next time I have to ask a question who is going to know the answer? Lola can only answer so much.
I think I am gunna dribble about this for bit.