Late week post

It is painfully obvious that I have been extremely lazy for lengths of time best not thought of too hard.

Changing 12+ children three times a day EXHAUSTS me. Chasing toddlers exhausts me. Hand prints and spilt lunches are killing me. Heck - finger painting is about as easy as it gets. If I could just convince them not to finger paint me.

I am sure it is good for me. And heck - I need and appreciate the money.

It takes me about 5-7 minutes to walk to and from work. Depending entirely on the traffic lights after the bridge. Lunch hour I walk home with the intention of doing the washing up, vacuuming, washing and tidying. We should remember bill paying, attending to the things I promise friends and acquaintance's I will do, quality time with my dogs, the shopping for daily essentials and even lunch with my girlfriend. I needed soccer strips/socks etc ready for tomorrow today - and that took me most of my lunch hour just finding them. Late last night the last thing I was doing was putting Anna's work clothes on the back of furniture to dry. I couldnt disturb anyone finding a coat hanger - and a few months ago I foolishly decided I didnt need my clothes dryer in the house any more.. and banished it to the carport. I wont use it there - too much effort stringing the long cord thingie... and too many things to fall over...It is sunny 360 days a year here.

I want my dryer back inside.

My dogs try to play ball and chase with me during lunch hour and I feel like I am dying. Both of them tell me they are suffering more. I am also trying to inhale a days worth of cigarettes into that 45 minutes. I am rediculously hungry. So while throwing washing into the maching, paying bills on the internet,throwing a ball (or a remnant of one) for Dotti and listening to the microwave beep at me for my lunch...

And insecurity battles me a little always - I worry... I cannot control the children very well - cant yell at them, cant do the "language" - I always give in to the ... socially excitable child; absolutely fall for the children that get beaten up and end up carrying them all day. I was left alone with 12 kids today and the two ... somewhat.. socially excitable children.. promptly beat the other children up... so I had five kids crying and five kids cringing in corners hiding as I tried to seperate the somewhat socially excitable kids from the rest of the group... carrying the smallest child because thats ... just the way its ended up... so of course - the director of the centre comes in. I have a room full of chaos. One kids threatening me with a wooden block. The other wont stay in the corner. The small child is still clambering on my shoulders and back. Four other children are crying from whatever pain inflicted from the two I am trying to isolate. The other five... Are hiding in the other corners. I had completely lost control of the room... and the boss comes in.

In the past I have lost jobs for perfectly good reasons. There was no need for me to call the boss archaic. I could of pulled my head in. I could of agreed to compromise what I believed in for a second. I do it almost everyday anyway.

The humiliation if I cant handle small people.....And of course we cant just exclude the kids that I cant handle. That isnt part of the "village". I believe that more feverantly than anyone. But heck... just take those two outta the room and it would be HEAVEN. Funny, loving, beautiful, smart children. One of the two has... also shown me that I could love her. About a second later she bit me.

And of course.. it is just very hard work. Every glove change for a nappy or a snotty nose... every pat on the back to help them sleep (or stay the hell in the bed) Incredible amounts of forms for EVERYTHING... and parents who really read them... (I think I was a good parent who didnt.. I dont remember challenging anyone that my childs wet or dirty movements in their nappy wasnt recorded anyway....) Then again.. I was made to do the Triple P course because I had a toddler that was.... not socially acceptable. I hated that course. It was rediculous for us.... praise good actions IGNORE bad ones. I never could ignore Jane setting fire to things etc. It just isnt in me. Found it disturbing when she bit too. Four kids all so different. But in some ways the same.

MOTH was somewhat careless in his comments tonight. He is working overtime again now... and said he wasnt taking Will to soccer Sunday morning. I was selfishly mad at him - because it is still me worrying about the registration of our vehicles...and what we need for the week.... and if he has clean work shirts.

We just have to face it - I am dog gone lazy. I do jack shit but it takes up huge amounts of my time. I mean it HUGE. I will check the tides tomorrow. MOTH and I will play a little on the water. And everything will be just fine. Or it wont really matter anyway. I am just hideously tired. And 15 + kilos overweight. This job could help that.

My dogs need a bath.